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Nicoletta

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About Nicoletta

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  1. Thank You. By soda I meant cocaine. Since I posted this, I've been getting help and seeing my therapist. I've also put a deposit on an apartment for myself and will sign the rental agreement tomorrow. I do not want to go into too much but his actions are out of line and when I've had long periods of sobriety he still rages. I am the one who chose to put up with it but not anymore.
  2. I live with my ex boyfriend since I'm trying to save money to move out. I sometimes (twice a month) go on a day long binge of soda, he sometimes participates. When I use all by myself I'm quiet, watching T.V. or on my computer. He will then go into a long rant calling me every bad name I can think of. It brings me to tears and worries me. Do I deserve this kind of treatment?
  3. Thank You for your response. I'm having a hard time. I'm not being good to myself and I need to go back into therapy. I know I can change with help, I've done it before. I always stop therapy since I think I'm better and will be for awhile and then I slip back. I'm usually very strong but I'm human and try not to use my past as a crutch to continue this vicious cycle of hurting myself. I realize now through the pain I feel that I want to change this- such as surrounding myself with people that do care and "letting the right ones in" so to speak. Thank You for this.
  4. I hope this makes sense since I'm very upset right now and feel worthless... I'm not a slut or maybe I am? I have been raped more than once and over the past two years I end up going against my instinct and giving into a few of my male "friends?". I guess what I'm trying to say is that I have no desire to be intimate with them (or I should just say him since it's only one "friend" now) ,they know about my past traumas and I think all is okay. I think that the traumas from the past have somehow messed with my mind, I know they have and I'm tired of this. I have avoided two of the male "friends" and the last one (last night) who I thought would respect my feelings after I told him how it makes me feel like scum when "friends" just want intimacy and how I'm coming over to just watch a movie... I can't blame anyone but myself, I feel like no one really cares or at least the people I thought that did. I have a problem of giving in even after resisting, saying I'm not interested and then easily doing it in a way just to please them, to seek some sick approval. I thought this was over. What is wrong with me?
  5. An abuser knows the buttons to push, the head games and all. For me it was an addiction all by itself. I no longer knew who I was, what I liked and I looked to him (I know this is sick) to find my identity. They rip you apart without you knowing it and then boom, you feel trapped. I left him 5 times and would go back. Before this, I never understood how women would get themselves involved in this type of relationship but now I know. It's insideous. The last straw was when he cheated on me and for some reason I just said to him "I no longer love you". I could tell he was in love with her and I was releaved. I got my own place and thought that things would instantly be better but all the abuse was still there. The psysical abuse was over but the mind games were left in my head. I was stil in survival mode and began harming myself through drugs and not eating. I finally went back to my old therapist and it helped immesely. Try to find a professional to talk to, it helps so much.
  6. I'm so sorry your going through this. Do not stop finding a therapist to help you. Many times it takes interviewing a therapist to find the right one, keep up the good work and you will find someone. I wish I could help but don't know where you live. I was referred to a therapist via my psychiatrist (who said I have PTSD and BiPolar 2) after I was sexually assaulted. I'm glad I went, she diagnosed me with C-PTSD and gave me her insight as to her conclusion of her diagnosis. I too find it very harmfull that it is not recognized in the DSM. I even sent them an email a few weeks ago stating why it should be included. Finding this therapist and having diagnosis (which my psychiatrist now agrees with) has been helpful. For so long I used drugs, was anorexic (still deal with that) and acted out in harmful ways. I had been to rehab but nothing stuck since the root of my problem was never addressed. I'm now in Harm Reduction which has helped with drug use and it also addresses C-PTSD. C-PTSD is different than PTSD. I've personally been through one trauma after another and survival mode was my only outlet. To go from surviving to living and thriving has helped and it's only because of the right diagnosis and therapy. I'm rooting for you, your not alone and keep seeking the right therapist.
  7. Exercise definately helps. I'm a big fan of Pilates since it helps my stress, posture, body awareness and some of the hanging exercises calm me. Afterwards, I feel amazing and it helps in any other excersize I do.
  8. I used to get a massage once a week, I found it very helpful in reducing stress. I've been saying I'll get a massage for the past year but get lazy. I'm now at the point that I need a massage. It's good to feel human touch in a healthy manner and it's good for my spirit.
  9. Thanks everyone. I read the agreement but will look at it again:)
  10. I'm glad you got something to eat. I can relate to your post. Since I was 14 I struggled with this and I still get nervous about the grocery store. I love going to the grovery store for my friend that is ill but not for me. I get confused, I'm in there forever but this comes and goes. Little by little it will get better.
  11. Hello! I found this forum after I was researching information about not being able to take anti-depressants. I live in one big crazy city where many other crazies come to "make it". I'm exhausted but I like a big city. I have PTSD or the more unclinical term C-PTSD. Let's just say I've been through and put up with a lot. Not anymore. Love life and have fun!
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