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-lemurlibs21-

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About -lemurlibs21-

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    Woman
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    Music, dance, zumba, tv, gigs, lyrics
  1. "Let them know that you are not your skin" - Skin by Sixx:a.m.

  2. I've had juvenile myoclonic epilepsy for 3-4 years, triggered by severe anorexia. I'm on sodium valproate and my seizures and jerks are generally well controlled due to the high dose I take...but the seizures I've had over the past 2 years have been triggered by me overdosing on my antipsychotic med (Seroquel). The last OD was big and I ended up in intensive care after many big tonic clonic seizures. I am trying to study and get to a university level of work so I can do a degree but at the moment I'm struggling a lot with reading and concentrating. I'll admit objectively I'm a high achiever (well I was anyway) and perfectionist (in my view I think I'm a failure and fraud but hey), so it is really upsetting to struggle with these things. I can read in general, but the lines get muddled up and my voices (psychosis) interfere so it is often hard to make sense. I'm also distracted by the tiniest thing, a flash of light, a car going past outside (a VERY common occurrence...therefore very annoying when trying to study). My mum has suggested that I'm having to re-learn some of my thinking skills, making connections in my brain and how to 'learn' in general...due to injuring my brain from the number of full seizures I've had as well as the medication overdose's effect on my brain. Does anyone else have experience with this? And any strategies to help improve it? It's really upsetting - I already feel like I've lost most of my identity (no longer physically technically 'anorexic', not a high achiever etc). Thanks.
  3. Hey, I've been trying to recover from anorexia for several years now post hospitalisation and day-centre treatment. In the past few months I was discharged from the eating disorder OP service so I don't have any specialist help for the first time in 7 years. I currently have EDNOS/anorexia binge-purge, and am at a supposedly healthy weight but I struggle massively with accepting this as being good, the drive in my head is still strongly anorexic. My mum (who I live with) is unhealthily overweight/obese, and is on weightwatchers (again) - but she's being really obvious about it, all the "logging" exercise and foods, points etc., yet criticising my supposedly obsessive food diaries....and she's started to comment on my eating (proportions of food groups, healthier alternatives). I feel trapped as in the past she has had to sacrifice her own health in order not to trigger me...but now I'm all seemingly better, eating much more flexibly I guess it seems that I'm fine with it. We've had conversations where she has said that it is partly my responsibility that she is unhealthy and is as much physical danger as I am (at the opposite end of the scale when I was at my worst)...so I feel I have to do everything to support her this time round otherwise it would be my fault if she died. So I've helped her join my gym, I congratulate her when she doesn't eat something unhealthy or she goes to a class or eats a healthy meal... When inside it's just making the one voice that is actually inside my head (I have a couple outside of my head - but that's a whole other story!) say that I'm not even doing weightwatchers properly, something I should be good at (given I had severe anorexia for 4 years). Ultimately...I just feel that now I look "healthy" (to me, FAT) and behave more normally around food/don't make all the comments that I'm thinking, there's this expectation from everyone that things are okay and they can say anything. It just encourages my secretive purging which is bad at the moment; and also my guilt for eating in front of people (something I've got better at). Sorry for the essay...I just hate that if I look healthy on the outside it doesn't seem to matter how I feel on the inside. NB. I find it very hard to not fake liveliness and positivity, so it's rare that I'll act how I feel...the voices I experience do not accept showing weakness. Does anyone else have experience of this? How is it best to cope with it? I can't say "can you stop weightwatchers" because I've done that in the past and her ill health has become my fault. L
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