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  1. I quit smoking Oct 7, 2014. And I went out Friday night to a vape meet-greet by myself and had a great time.
  2. Hello, once again I'm putting this on CB for several reasons. One is for prosperity; I can review it in my account and see the progress I've made down the road. And because I want to put it our there so I don't feel so alone in my struggles. Here goes nothing again: October 4, 2014 Mr. R, I like to drink water. I really enjoy it iced-cold with a touch of crystal light in my larger tumbler with a straw. For quite some time I’ve been drinking plain water straight from the faucet. This analogy is indicative to my life I’ve lived for too long. Tap water sufficed as though I didn’t deserve or have the willpower for this and other simple pleasures anymore. A fog of depression, anxiety, and confusion prevailed. R, you’re partially responsible for some of this fog; you hindered and even regressed any progress I may have made in therapy. Yes, decades of mood swings, irritability, anxiety and isolation exist in my life. I went to you, a well respected, knowledgeable professional to have better mental health. Having mental illness is horrific and having to take medication is horrible. Worse, though, is a life of only surviving and barely maintaining. I wanted help and turned to therapy again hoping to finally cope better specifically with ptsd symptoms. I didn't know what to expect. I trusted you to help me function better, find relief in my struggles, and to finally find some solace. You didn't help. You hindered any progress. Now, I need to forgive how it was and see how it is. You made me have to waste time seeing how it is and I deplore what you did. And I resent having to go through the process in therapy now. You’re at fault. To end on a positive note: right now I have my tumbler filled with freezing cold grape flavored natural water; I’m making progress already. No thanks to you. ~angel-heart Thanks for taking the time to read.
  3. One of the best moments in life is when you find the courage to let go of the things you can't change. Yes, I saw that in your signature and took it to heart! And thanks for the kind words ^ and ^^. Take care
  4. Hi Melissa, long time since we've 'chatted.' Hope you're doing well. I'm not sending it to that therapist though; it's just an assignment to give to my current therapist. Never, never would I send this letter to him. And I feel tons better putting 'pen to paper.' Take care
  5. Hello, I wanted to share a letter I wrote to my former therapist as part of the current assignment giving by my current therapist. My reasoning to do so is two-fold; I want to do so for prosperity; it'll be on CB for me to review on regular basis and hopefully feel better down the road. And because I believe it will be therapeutic sharing it online. It's not so private and personal anymore. I'd appreciate any comments or suggestions. I'll give it to my current therapist next week. Here goes nothing. October 2, 14 Mr. R, Why? Why did I tolerate and accept those subtle and sometimes blatant suggestive interactions? Why? Why would you take advantage of someone who viewed you as a professional, knowledgeable, and helpful therapist? One of the best moments in life is when you find the courage to let go of the things you can't change. Rationally, I can’t change what happened and know I have to accept it . Memories haunt me still though and I know I have to process my thoughts and feelings before I actually let go of the anguish and confusion I feel. I want a peaceful acceptance. And to learn something valuable from our ‘therapeutic relationship.’ 1. Denial and Isolation I did. I couldn’t face the reality of what I allowed to happened and that you would actually say/do such blatant behaviors. You took advantage of me but I didn’t want to accept that reality because of what it tells me about you and about me. 2. Anger I’m angry at you. I’m upset because I’m haunted by memories. And I’m angry I allowed it to happen. I’m still confused as to why you, a professional, would subject me to your ‘games’. Did you get some king of thrill out of it? Several times, the first thing you would tell me in the waiting room “here’s my favorite client,’’ and ‘’I’ve been looking forward to you coming in.’’ You manipulated me and that angers me to no avail. 3. Bargaining If only: I realized what you were doing. If only I discussed it with you. If only I told someone else. If only I didn’t accept it. If only I wasn’t mentally ill. It hurts. You hurt me and I feel fragile and weak. 4. Depression I vacillate between anger and depression right now. Depression because I have no control over the memories. Depressed how I was susceptible to your unwanted advances. What kind of person does that make me? What kind of person does that make you? 5. Acceptance Coping well is my goal. And it goes back to: One of the best moments in life is when you find the courage to let go of the things you can't change. I want to learn, gain insight, forgive, and somehow grow from this life experience. R, you’re a jerk. And they’re other jerks in this world and I hope I can see the next one trying to take advantage of me. ~angel-heart
  6. I haven't been feeling well and have delayed doing chores of any kind except laundry. I live alone so without someone else with me now I have no external motivator to illicit effort. I woke up at 4 am and about an hour ago I finally did the dishes. Yea, a big deal for me. Sad that I just am not motivated to do more right now. oh well.
  7. Water, Yes, it took a few sessions but I do trust her. We haven't discuss the ramifications of my implications yet. We are still working on accepting it. I have weekly sessions with her. I have time to get the help I need. Thanks for your suggestions; I really appreciate your support and insight.
  8. Sourlemon- I appreciate your support. I've decided to write down my thoughts and keep a diary before I complete the letter assignment. So far: I'm not a credible client; hx of poor insight and poor judgement, mood disorder, ptsd, anxiety, r/o schizoaffective disorder. In other words: one sick puppy. Want to go back to denial and blame my illness. And "he would do that to me." That's all I wrote so far and this post is helpful as was your kind words.
  9. Thanks Wooster- Fortunately I wasn't physically sexually abused by him; I'm considered a victim because of what he said and did in sessions. Inappropriate and unacceptable, according to Ms. A. She is the one who termed 'victim and revictimation' in our session.
  10. Water - thanks; your suggestions are helpful. Trusting this new therapist is a bit trying but I'm making the effort to confine in her and hope to be more confident in trusting her.
  11. Water- Thanks for replying; I appreciate it. Ms. A discussed predatory behaviors and how the process of grooming, testing limits, building trust to keep secrets, etc. I don't want to go to the police. I think if my therapist was confident I was a victim she would do something on my behalf. I just wish I wasn't haunted by the memories of our sessions right now; painful and disorienting.
  12. Hello, although I haven't posted for a long time, I still peruse CB often. And I wanted to share what is happening in therapy sessions; it'll be difficult but I will try to be coherent and succinct. Prior to having my new therapist, Ms. A (I've had about 8 sessions), I has sessions with an older therapist, Mr. R, for approximately two years. I've been discussing Mr. R and the tenuous and confusing therapeutic relationship we had. Mr. R is a PTSD specialist and the first therapist I've discussed all my traumas including the sexual ones. I shared so much details and personal information about my life, more so than any other therapist. I should add: I've been seeing various therapists for over a decade. I won't go into detail; suffice to write that Mr. R groomed me to where his ethically inappropriate advances and subtle sexualize suggestions became par for the course and accepted by me. There was a small part of me who knew what he was saying/doing in sessions were inappropriate but I maintained trust, though wary at times, with him regardless and continue our sessions and accepted our 'therapeutic relationship.' Initially, with my new therapist, I mentioned Mr. R and gave a few examples of what he said/did that confused me. I cried so much and was so dumbfounded that session. The next session I denied any of the inappropriate sessions and blamed my mental illness and gave other excuses to negate the accusations. Today's session, Ms. A bought up the discussion again and I admitted some examples of his behaviors with me. We discussed the 'grief' process, my self-blame, my reluctance to acknowledge the victimization, and more about grooming and his testing limits in the sessions with me. I was in denial for so long and today, after my session, I'm beyond angry and past being confused. We discussed the 'power differentiation' and his process to have me accept his unwanted advances. I can finally acknowledge I was victimized by Mr. R and I'm beyond angry. Ms. A asked me to write him a letter and share my thoughts and feelings. I'm going to do that but wanted to share my experience on CB prior to putting pen to paper. Thanks for reading and take care, ~angel-heart
  13. I'm anxious right now and can't get to sleep. I'm seeing a new therapist tomorrow and that whole process is stressing me out. I was seeing the same therapist for over two years and he ended the sessions due to insurance constraints. Now my pdoc wants me to see another therapist because all his patients get counseling. I hope it goes well.
  14. Wow, sorry it ended badly for you. Your were more trusting than I would have been. One does not know someone's history and to assume the best in a person is so risky. I'd be a bit worry as she has your address and knows what you have in your home. I hope nothing bad comes out of your efforts to be helpful.
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