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About anti-normal

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    High Priest Of The Paranoids

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    trans male
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    star wars, the science fiction of philip k. dick, knitting

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  1. prayer is a good thing, I find personally. I am also on abilify (20 mg) and basically what I do is I try to remember God is there even if I can't feel God. in the past I have prayed and felt intense experience's of God's love, and when the experience goes away it can be hard to feel like, where is God now? why can't I feel God? a lot of people feel God's absence, or go through periods of feeling God's absence, and I think it's hard for anyone to deal with no matter what the cause of it is. I have this same issue with people, when people aren't hanging out with me, I feel like they're gone completely even though they're still there, they're just not currently in my presence. what I do with that is, take pictures, keep a record of positive things that person has said to me, so I can go over that and remember they care about me even when they're not in my presence. though God is different, I think a similar principle can be applied. you can't take pictures of your time with God, but you can try to recall times in your life you felt God's presence and things about God that are important, like that God loves you for example. or you could read the Bible if you find that helpful, like read your favourite verses. I don't know how helpful my advice will be because I have had religious delusions and heard a literal voice of God, so my experience is different from yours and I personally have to be careful that I don't slip into an alternate reality. but I think my advice to anyone feeling far from God who wants to feel closer would be to keep praying, and to know they are not alone in how they feel
  2. so in less than a week i am going back to vancouver to live with my family for the next couple months until school starts up again. i've already started the intake process to see a psychiatrist, but i was wondering if anyone could tell me what good/bad experiences they've had with which hospitals. in case i have another emergency, if i have any choice in the matter i'd like to go somewhere that's not gonna treat me like shit, and the bad experiences i've had with hospitals in ontario have kinda made me afraid of going to the hospital in the future. are there any specific places in vancouver that people would recommend over others?
  3. thanks for all the information guys, it really helps. i feel like i have a better understanding now, especially of the anxious distress thing, which actually makes sense now that someone's explained it to me
  4. so i was i just got out of the hospital and while i was in there they did a bunch of psychological testing and changed my new diagnosis of bipolar I to "mood disorder NOS with anxious distress" and "trauma and stress related disorder with dissociation". does anyone have any idea what the hell either of these mean? from what i understand, they diagnosed me with the first one because they think i'm too young to be diagnosed with bipolar (i'm 17) but i still don't know what "mood disorder NOS" means, or "anxious distress" for that matter, either. my moods are disordered? i'm anxious? i'm distressed? and as for that last one, from the research i've done apparently that's not even the name of a diagnosis, but a category of diagnoses in the DSM. the only part of any of this i understand is dissociation, which i have a general sense of what it means and i would i agree that i do dissociate. though i'm not so sure about this pdoc's theory that my voices are just me dissociating. but as for the rest of it, i'm just confused. has anyone else ever heard of these diagnoses or even been diagnosed with them themselves?
  5. thanks everyone, this is super helpful to hear. it's reassuring to know that the drug isn't as "super addictive" as i thought it was. if it causes some dependency i can handle that since i was pretty dependent on seroquel for a while but now i'm tapering off it so it's not a huge deal or anything.
  6. so i just started clonazepam (or klonopin, i'm not sure which name to call it) and i'm worried about it being addictive. right now i'm taking 0.5 mg twice a day for akathisia, a rather unpleasant side effect that i get from latuda. after two days of being on it the akathisia was completely gone, so it's working fine, but i'm worried since my pdoc was very insistent about how i should only take it if i absolutely have to because he said that it's super addictive. i also had to show ID when i picked it up because apparently it's a controlled substance because it's so addictive. all this got me worried that if i take my meds as prescribed i'm gonna end up addicted to them, especially since i have a history of substance abuse. can anyone with experience with klonopin tell me if it's actually as addictive as it's being made out to be or if i just stick to what i'm supposed to take i'll be fine?
  7. i think the problem isn't therapy, but therapists. i had one therapist that was absolutely insistent that I immediately stop all forms of SI forever and never relapse. at this point i didn't even want to think about stopping SI. The result was that each time she told me not to cut, i would cut more. I felt resentful, like she was trying to control me, and I can imagine that my behavior must've frustrated her. by contrast, my current therapist asked me if i say i want to stop SI because i genuinely want to, or because i feel pressure from various sources to. when i said that i felt pressured to and i didn't actually want to stop at all, she was okay with that and instead of demanding i stop she introduced me to alternative coping mechanisms and helped me identify triggers, which has drastically reduced my level of SI i think this illustrates that the only way therapy can work is if the therapist actually works with you as an equal and respects what you want to get out of therapy. i also think there's some things therapy just can't solve. whenever i complain to my therapist about anything, whether it's my family or school or running out of money, her response is always "let's do deep breathing!" and deep breathing does absolutely nothing for me but she just won't seem to let it go. the reason i hate it when she suggests deep breathing is because it does nothing to change the situation. deep breathing won't make my food budget last till the end of the month. deep breathing won't make my family start talking to me again and stop calling me an abomination. deep breathing won't prevent me from getting beat up when i use public washrooms. that's because therapy can't change the fact that i'm poor or that i have a shitty family or that the world is incredibly transphobic. but therapy can help me address how things things make me feel and how they cause me to engage in behaviors that i otherwise wouldn't. so i don't believe in therapy in the sense that i don't believe it can cure all a person's problems, but i do believe in therapy in the sense that i think with the right therapist it can help people deal with certain specific issues.
  8. i like to classify my voices into two categories: outside voices and inside voices "outside" voices sound like the kind of voices that everybody hears, except there isn't actually anyone saying anything. for example, i might hear someone calling my name, only there's no one there, or i might here laughter, and there's no one there. it happens frequently enough and in such a great variety of different locations that it's unlikely to be a one time mistake. "inside" voices are just like the thoughts that everyone have running through their head, except i didn't think them. they cause me the most problems. at first they just narrated what i was doing, but eventually they gave me commands that ranged from "tear down that poster" to "kill yourself". if i refuse to follow their commands, they get quite angry and will tell me that i'm weak, worthless, a coward, and generally berate me on the basis of things that i'm actually quite sensitive about, such as saying that i should kill myself because i'm a disgusting faggot when i've actually considered suicide because of my sexuality. though they can be nice on rare occasions. once i was writing an essay as part of a test and they told me what to say and that did help me to finish the essay and i got a decent mark, when otherwise i would've failed. and sometimes they'll tell me i'm chosen and so on, which isn't actually all that helpful because it feeds my delusions. nowadays, if i take my meds as prescribed and don't skip a dosage or dope up or drink or use street drugs i tend not to hear voices at all, but they will randomly pop up.
  9. well that's annoying about pepper spray, but i guess whistles and (in my personal experience) screaming really loudly achieve a similar self-defense effect ... my university did have gender neutral washrooms, and they still do, only it was "making some people uncomfortable" so they put gendered signs up. they washrooms are still EXACTLY identical, though. it's not even like one of them has urinals or anything. a few were left neutral, but i'm stuck on an all-female floor (which could get problematic when i start taking hormones in a few months) so it's out of my way to use the neutral ones. i was talking about the situation with my trans friends the other day and we agreed that as nice as it was that when i brought up how this could be problematic for me with an appropriate authority figure their response of effective and supportive, it is still really sad that in making the decision to gender the washrooms it apparently occurred to no one that non-cis students exist and would be impacted by this policy in ways far exceeding discomfort. i'm trying to balance staying safe with not being overly paranoid. my campus is pretty queer-friendly, so if something happened to me on campus and i reported i'm pretty sure there would be disciplinary action. i try to remember this when i get worried or scared, and hope that most people will leave me alone if only out of a fear of being punished. but i don't really feel the same assurance when i'm off campus.
  10. i have thought about starting a blog, i am busy as a student, but then again it's not like i'm not already finding plenty of time to do things that aren't in any way academic. on the one hand it makes me quite happy to know that my thoughts are more rational than paranoid because the last thing i need right know is to relapse into psychosis, but at the same time it makes me sad and angry. the kind of fears i have about my safety as a trans person are only different from paranoia i've had in the past in that it is actually reasonable and not at all crazy for trans people to assume that random strangers would and could do them harm, which indicates to me that something is seriously wrong with society hopefully one day i won't have to worry about my safety not just because i'll pass as a man, but because the world will be more tolerant of gender non-conforming individuals and less tolerant of transphobic bigots.
  11. thanks for the advice my city is kinda weird, apparently we have the largest trans population in the province and there's lots of queer and trans organizations who are very active, but we also have one of the highest rates of hate crimes. i just moved here for college, so i don't really know what it's like. i've been put into contact with a few different trans support groups, which so far have been really helpful. i can't afford a binder, but i think i might ask my trans friends if they have any they don't need anymore. i'm also hoping they can give me advice on how to do it "properly" since right now it makes me dizzy and lightheaded and i have trouble breathing, and i don't think this is healthy or sustainable. i hadn't thought of carrying pepper spray or some sort of weapon, you're right that it would be a good idea. i've spent most of my life fearing harrasment/violence from strangers based on a history childhood abuse. as stupid as it sounds, i've always had this victim mentality and it never occurred to me that i could defend myself or fight back. one day i hope to get top surgery, i don't know about anything else. the idea of not having to worry about my safety is something i really look forward to. and thanks for the links to ftm international and leslie feinberg. i've been meaning to check them both out for a while. it helps just knowing that others have been here before, and that eventually things will improve.
  12. over the summer i did a lot of thinking about my life, and i finally came to terms with my being trans (something i've supressed/lied about for a while) and decided that when i went to college in the fall i'd start transitioning. now i'm at college and i've started trying to pass as a man. most of my clothing is already fairly masculine to begin with, as are a lot of my mannerisms, etc, but the problem is that the pitch of my voice is pretty high and i have a fairly large chest. i spent the last of my money buying small sports bras and tank tops, but even when i layer all five of them on top of each other i still get read as female. as a result, my physical appearance is gender non-conforming, or at least i fear that it is. while it bothers me that i'm getting read as female rather than male, i have appointments with a bunch of different pdocs and tdocs to discuss my plans to transition, and even a doc who specifically just does hormone therapy, so some time in the future i will probably be able to pass as a man. what really bothers me isn't my dysphoria, but a fear for my safety. some days i look like a butch woman, other days like an effeminate man, and other days i guess i'm just kinda androgynous. i'm constantly terrified that people are going to realize that the awkward looking bulge under my shirt is my attempt at binding, and that they'll, i don't know, do something. i tense up every single time i see a group of (what i assume to be) hetero cis women walking in my direction, and i am almost paralyzed when i see a group of (again, making assumptions) hetero cis men walking towards me. even after they walk past if i hear them ay something vaguely negative, ie "that little pervert", i'll assume they were talking about me. i know it probably sounds like an irrational fear. and i am currently taking meds for psychosis, so maybe this is just paranoia or anxiety? but i don't think so. my hallucinations and other symptoms have decreased drastically over the past two weeks and my overall happiness and mental health has improved greatly. also, it's not like my fears are entirely irrational. there have been countless incidences of violence against trans people just because they were visibly trans. the harrassment i've personally experienced has just been verbally, though, such as strangers yelling "faggot!" when i walk past them, which at first actually made me happy because i assumed it meant they were reading me as male. has anyone else who is trans ever felt the same way? if my fear isn't psychotic, does it eventually go away, or at least get better over time? there are some things, like using public washrooms, that i fear will always be a terrifying ordeal for me. is this just because i never openly expressed my gender identity before, or is being visibly trans in a public space always a scary thing?
  13. In theory I should be able to stay on my current coverage since Ontario won't be my home province, however, I'm not sure it'll work in practice since when I go to a pharmacy they plug my carecard number into this province wide database and it shows me as having coverage. so I'm not sure how I would inform pharmacies in Ontario that I'm covered by another province, or if provinces even are willing/able to pay for prescriptions in other provinces. But I think I'll just ask my new pdoc as soon as I can find one in Ontario since they should probably know something.
  14. Thanks for the info on Trillium, it looks promising. I honestly have no clue what my student insurance will cover since my school's website just says that out of province students should receive coverage through their home provinces, and in the case of my current coverage that would mean my meds aren't covered through insurance at all. But I'll be happy if I can at least get part of my meds covered, which looks to be fairly plausible.
  15. So in a week I'm moving to Ontario for college and I was just wondering if anyone has had any experience with getting their medications covered. In the province I'm currently in all I had to do to get all my meds completely covered was to fill out this form that my pdoc and I both had to sign, him to certify that if I don't get my meds I'll require hospitalization and me to say that I don't have the financial means to pay for them. Now when I go to the pharmacy my prescriptions are always filled for free. Does anyone know if there's anything similar in Ontario? I have absolutely no money, and no job (and with my current symptoms little prospect of getting one in the near future), and I already have a lot of expenses to cover as a student. Ideally, I'd prefer it if I didn't have to get each medication covered separately, as I'm still in the early stages of being diagnosed so I frequently try new meds for a very short period of time. This also means I haven't been diagnosed with a specific MI, so I'm not sure if this means that I might not qualify for coverage in Ontario if coverage is based on medical need and medical need is defined on the basis of having a diagnosed illness rather than just symptoms. If anyone knows anything I'd really appreciate the help.
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