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Sangionkay

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About Sangionkay

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  1. Believe me I thought about all of that. He has no more pics of me to post, I deleted everything with out any warning to him a few months ago so I know he had no forethought to back any of it up. I just have to keep up on it, destroy anything new that may pop up. As far as my kids go, I have to believe they're safe. I've found no evidence even remotely suggesting they're in any danger. but believe me it's always in the back of my mind.
  2. Yeah I took it off, maybe he won't notice and I can catch him that way. I have to wait until school is done so I can get a job working days. I have no one else to watch my kids at night. I've been documenting, got my little journal keeping track of all this shit. I like the tech idea, then if we found anything I'd be able to save it to a drive and delete the rest. Yes I'm safe, it's never gotten physical just stuff behind my back. Friends (multiple) coming to me saying they've found our personal pictures online, stupid inconsistencies that he manages to explain away but still don't quite add up. I know this isn't right, I wish I could just run but I have to be more tactful about it. I have a plan, finish nursing school, have more options with the hours I work, find a place for just me and the boys and serve his ass papers. Right now I don't need him financially, just as a live in sitter cause honestly you can't really do daycare when you work midnights.
  3. Ok so this might sound really werid but I have to say something. I'm at work on my laptop, not a work computer, my personal computer, doing some homework and I look up and notice something funny. A tiny piece of black electrical tape covering the light next to my webcam. I know I didn't do that and my kids wouldn't even know what that is. My husband has been known to do creepy voyeuristic stuff before without my consent. I can't help thinking he's at it again like maybe he's setting my computer to record when I'm in the bedroom changing or something and he covered the light so I wouldn't notice the camera is on. Now I have this sick feeling in the pit of my stomach. What is wrong with me why do I keep ending up with these guys? I've forgiven him for far to much of this stuff. I'm tired of him treating me like I'm his little plaything. I can't even confront him about it cause he'll just deny everything then get all pissed off and turn it around on me that I'm the bad partner because I don't trust him. I know exactly what this is but I can't get out, not until I at least finish school. 2 more years, eyes on the prize... Anyway, sorry I can't go to anyone else about this stuff and if any one is going to get this even remotely it would be you guys...
  4. Thank you for posting this! I've often wondered the the same thing about my boys. It makes me so paranoid because they do see my freak outs and break downs, I know that has to be scary for them. Not to mention there's a family history of some form of MI on both sides. My oldest is 10 and has high functioning autism, ADHD, and is developing anixety and depression. I try to be very honest with them about what is going on with mommy. They know that I get really sad sometimes and sometimes I yell alot but it's not their faults It's just me. When I do over react and freak out on them I make it a point to apoligize once I chill out. If it does nothing more than teach them coping skills for when they get older I'll be fine with that. You just try to do the best you can and on your good days go do something fun.
  5. Just lurking for now...

  6. I don't want to go see my T tomorrow. But I've canceled my last 3 appts with her for finacial reasons. I've only seen her twice so far and I'm not too fond of her yet. I feel like shes judging me while I sit there and try to talk which makes me cut short what I'm trying to say or lose my train of thought. It's strange, I usually only feel like this with pdocs... But anyway, Yes I've actually cut short sessions before because I sit there going "yup" over and over again for 10 min. LIke I'm gonna go now, bye!
  7. I'm horrible at remembering to take anything regularly! One of the reasons my I had my first 2 kiddos. Right now I'm obsessing over not taking my meds cause I'm working nights tonight (I take all mine at night now). I can't be falling asleep at my desk... But I can feel the headache building and by morning it will be pounding. I can't take them in the morning either cause I have like 500 places to be so no sleep for this one tomorrow... But yeah I'll forget my Klonopin too until after my panic attack is over then I'm like, "oh yeah, you should of taken that and gave yourself a time out, dummy."
  8. Thanks for the welcome. I did read the user agreement, one of the reasons I joined. the other "support" forums I've checked out I was too scared to ever post anything cause I thought I might trigger some one unintentionally cause I didn't really know what one was... Did I already screw up? did I say somethiong I shouldn't have?
  9. Hey there, bare with me as I stubble through this... I'm 29, I have depression and generalized anixeity disorder. Been in treatment on and off since I was 12. I think I'm here because I would just like to explore this a little more. Quite a while ago I reached a point in my mental health where I had come to terms that this is the way I was always going to be and more or less accepted my depression as a part of me. It's like that spider you see from across the room that you're too lazy to get up to kill. You know its always there just waiting for you to not pay attention long enough for it to run across the room and over your foot or something and scare the shit out of you. Sometimes I can deal, sometimes it likes to sneak out from the dark corners of my mind and torture me with guilt and unreasonable fear for a month or two. When that happens I just have to let it... I recently started on meds again cause the darkness was hanging around a little longer than I could handle (a good 2 years), and it seems to be retreating a little with the help of a pdoc I feel I can actually talk to. Why are some psychiatrists so fun to be around? I mean that in complete sarcasam as I had to be put on lorazapram simply to avoid the panic attacks I would get from the thought of having to go see my previous shrink... So anyway, I have 3 wild boys 10, 5 and 1. My 10 year old is on the autism spectrum and I believe is depressed and anixous most of the time. And I'm thinking my 5 year old might be bipolar, that kid can change moods at the drop of a hat, is unable to sit down, and literally climbs the walls. I'm married to the father of my youngest and he does ok but he's far from perfect, then again who isn't. I work full time and I'm going back to school, keeping busy has always been the best way for me to ignore about the monster lurking in the corner... I'm hoping I can find some people on here that are at the same point as me or just someone to chat with as the hubbs tends to internalize my depression and thinks it's his fault. So I've stopped trying to explain it to him.
  10. I was thinking I'd just have to wait it out. I'll get up to where she wants me and see how that goes. Might get a little better after she pulls the Zoloft too...
  11. I've had depression my whole life. Took varius SSRIs for years, it was enough to take the edge off but I still had symptoms. I recently got a new pdoc after a couple of years of nothing because I couldn't stand any I had seen before. Tried Zoloft again and after a couple of months I mentioned to her about the underlying symptoms so she wanted me to try Lamictal. Starting at 25mg qday for a week the to 50mg qday for a week then to 100. The very first day I took it I was tired, day two, could not get off the couch, and day three started dozing off at ramdom times; while talking to my kids, in the middle of class, at work. I started taking it before bed with my Zoloft as that makes me sleepy too. Within 20 min of taking it, I'm on 50mg now, I'm completely out. This would all be fine except for the fact that I work swing shifts. Days every other weekend and nights during the week. Not to mention I have kids at home that I need to care for and run everywhere during the day. What I end up doing is taking it before bed the nights that I'm off and before I lay down the days that I know I'll be able to sleep for more than a couple hours. I usually end up missing a day here or there though because I don't want to double up. When I miss a day I notice I get pretty bad headaches and I'm starting to notice crazy bodyaches. Otherwise it seems to be helping. Has anyone else expericed this much tiredness? Anyone got a better suggestion as far as scheduling goes?
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