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    In the forest where the trees sing an odd melody
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    tattoos, art, make-up, clothes, and math & science.

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  1. I think you need to take time to do some major soul searching. I think your plans are amazing, but at the same time you are forgetting to nurture yourself and take your time. You really need to get involved in something that relaxes you, but if like a self-indulgent. Save up money and travel (if you ever wanted to travel), join a group that taste food from other culture, just do something that you always wanted to do, but I think it has to be a hobby that helps you explore yourself. You are at crossroads in your life where you are redefining yourself and finding who you are again in your social surrounding. It is also a time where you are figuring out what you want your next relationship to be after the divorce is finalized or how long you would like to take a break. Really nurture and care for yourself. This is probably a major shock and Major shocks can really unravel you. This is a time to know your limitations right now because taking on too much may increase the pain of this heartbreak without even realizing it. Wish you the best. There is a place called emptycloset that can help you. It's an LGBT place, but many people that probably been in your husband shoes and can help you understand and accept his perspective of why he must start a new chapter in his life. Also netflix has a show called Grace and Frankie....it has a similar theme to the situation even though the women who are going through what you are going through on this show are older. It may help you.
  2. Honestly, I don't think it's completely your fault or his. He should have set the right boundaries and made it clear what he will or will not deal with. But, you also should have been taking the right steps to care for yourself. I don't think every situation (some) is one person's fault. I think it's a combination of choices and behavior no matter how big or small those are. You need to take responsibility for your actions and behaviors in this relations and so DOES HE. But at the same time we shouldn't take on the responsibility of other's behavior. You are at fault for how your responded and treated this situation not him as well as vice versa. I really think you two need time apart and do some personal 'soul searching'/internal analyzing. Because this is just a huge mess. You also have to properly discuss how money should be managed in the household or how money decisions are made. I think any major discussion about rules and boundaries of this relationship and household should be done in front of a therapist. So that there will be a third party to step in if things escalate. Whatever you two decide about living arrange should be done on equal terms. He may give you the house but require you pay certain bills tied to the house while the mortgage payment is equal responsibility until a decision on if the house should be sold or signed over to one of you. In addition if you two do continue to have some level of communication beyond basic conversation about bills and other responsibilities. It should be done in a public space and not through any written communication because miscommunication is easier to happen as well as it seems there is a level of physical abuse here. This is a toxic situation.
  3. My mood is so horrible today.. in the slump. I slept most of the week away... and now I feel a sense of dread/panic....ugh...why! 

    1. Show previous comments  1 more
    2. CherryBlossom


      I took 75mg yesterday and woke up great... but then I drank some coffee... and feeling blah again. Going to take another 50-75mg tonight at 8pm...see how that helps. 

    3. bxt227us


      I hope you feel better soon, Cherry. I go on sleep binges often.


    4. CherryBlossom


      Thank you for the well wish, bxt and sorry for late reply. 

      I didn't even notice how long ago it has been since I been on site. Been so caught up in my head. 

      I hope you are doing well bxt & tammy!

  4. You two need couple therapy. This is a very unhealthy relationship dynamic. There is a lack of personal space, respect for one another, controlling behavior, lack of trust, and many other red flags. You are triggering him and he is triggering you. If he really did just pull down his pants because he was afraid of you becoming violent with him......that is abuse...the fear of saying no. A mediator is needed and maybe even separate living quarters in the house is needed.
  5. I'm sorry to hear that you are going through this. Since I am not married or ever been married my advice would be quite weak. But, the relationships I have seen in my life that have directly affected me....boundaries are a must. I am not sure if I processed what you said correctly, but I read that he is blaming you. Someone who is truly sorry and truly trying to make things right with you would not be trying to shift the blame even a little. You having a bruise shows there was a lot of strength behind his attack (whether accident or not). In addition, even if the attack wasn't meant for you.. he should never lay a hand on someone else especially a family member. We are also not of the same spiritual faith so I can't give much advice on your path of spirituality and your identity in spirituality/your identity with god. That is something that takes years to figure out and it seems like you are figuring out what type of relationship you have with god and how to emulate that in your relationships with god's creation. If he is not willing to fault him self where he is guilty and "not a victim of circumstances", is he really ready to change to bring the type of relationship you feel is healthy? I know that some faiths do not recognize divorce....I grew up in faiths of that. But, in those faiths of mine where divorce is (usually) not approved. The priest/minster/whatever head title only approves of divorce if the man/woman is not fulfilling the requirements set out in their holy book. I think right now there is a combination of stuff you have to do. 1. Write out what is your ideal relationship with your deity/with god. 2. Write out what is your ideal relationship with a husband. 3. Write out what is your ideal spiritual community is. 4. Write out what is your ideal family format. 5. Meditate on your spirituality overall and read your scriptures and holy book/books 6. Then read all this out to yourself and compare the similarities and differences of Part 1 & Part 2 as well as Part 3 & Part 4. I am not sure how spiritual you are.... but since it was heavily talked about in your post. I would assume your faith is important to you. Take this time to really connect with yourself and your feelings. I hope some of my advice helps and I apologize if anything I have said felt inappropriate/crossing the line. Well wishes.
  6. Feet and lower back killing me. 

  7. Cleaned my place top to bottom... bleach & disinfect...but it required me to stay up for close to 20 hours.....still some more sweeping to go.  

    1. tired tammy

      tired tammy

      You can come to my place and clean if you want to!!

    2. CherryBlossom


      lol. I was pretty much awake for 37 hours lol....I did take a 2 hour nap in the car....my body aches. I need to mop the living room and kitchen floor as well as bedroom again, So dusty in this apartment. But god am I am happy....an accomplishment! yay

  8. Well this psychiatrist was a dud... had to really fight tooth and nail. But, finally got my seroquel....just will never go back to these people. Really messed up folks.
  9. They tagged teamed me and thought they could manipulate me into agreeing with their viewpoint. But on the other hand I have seen how much I have grown and developed as a person. I took on an authoritative factual person and didn't back down. I really have grown to the point that I understand who I am and what I am dealing with, not allowing anyone to tell me how I feel or tell me my experience. To me that shows a major growth spurt and I think I understood how all my past experience in the last year has made me grow. I couldn't identify it until this encounter where I had to stand against two males who were bullies at the end of the day. Think I will write this in my journal/diary.
  10. With my new psychiatrist and his boss. I told them Oh my doctor put me on seroquel and zyprexa before to help with my anxiety and depression. They were convinced I must have had psychotic break because those meds are only uses for psychosis. Who are they fucking kidding? It's also used for mood disorders...bipolar or depression. Anyone had a weird experience like this just because they have been on the heavier drugs to help their mood and anxiety.
  11. Sorry I just have to say this gif is too funny. Comment to the chat...I guess I'll have no place to linger for the time being, but maybe I will get more stuff done.
  12. Just thought I chime in. While I am far from following a specific spiritual path. I think enlightenment is not really a cookie cut state of being. To me someone who is enlightened is someone who understands their strength & weakness, understand what can be their undoing, knows what they really want and do not want. An enlightened person knows who they are and does not let anyone bring them off their path. Enlightenment happens after a major ending of something in our life. Where us leaving that situation or person leaves us with a better understanding. Many paths teach that knowing yourself is the greatest protection and knowledge you can have. I think you need to first determine what enlightenment looks to you. But at the end of the day...I believe an enlightened person follows the path that they feel is for he/she. If something feels stagnant or very heavy on the soul it may be a sign it is not something for you. Yes struggles are part of life. But struggles are things that happen to us and we have to overcome. Struggle is not meaning staying in an unhappy situation that you could walk away from. If you are of a certain religious faith....study that religion's holy scripture and figure out what enlightenment means through your spirituality. Then figure out what enlightenment looks like in your physical world.
  13. idk what his response is. But, if he isn't being clear about what he wants from you...it's probably best to not even bother being in this situation. You were upfront with him that you just wanted a friends with benefits, but doesn't sound like he is defining his boundaries. There is more fish in the sea...I wouldn't really take it to heart because where he is at in his love life may be different from you. You both just want different things or he just doesn't want to really ruin a friendship just to have sex.
  14. Well on a different note. He is in the house now and let's see what happens. I give him a year time before I judge him... but I think he has a poor sense of time because he is promising way too much for a 4 year period. I don't trust him because he has no credentials, has a boat load of bankruptcy which is thrown onto the lower classes, and he put a lot of odd people in position that have no prior experience or education in. But, we are in a climate where people don't want to deal with another politician. But, we'll see what happens.....I pray he is actually better than I suspect because if he isn't I will need some heavy tranquilizers lol. He has back pedal some stuff he said during his running. Heard he signed some laws just recently, but I have no clue what those laws really were.
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