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About Tumultuous_Uprising

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    In My Mind... Somewhere
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    writing, reading, journaling, drawing, baking whole wheat goods, website design, cycling
  1. I've had this problem on and off for years. Recently it worsened along with the motivation to open the books in the first place. The max I can focus on right now is doing jigsaw puzzles. I did have a writing deadline which I won't be able to keep. Ugh. My pdoc just increased my antidpressant. I hope that helps. I hope your med change enables you to read again.
  2. I am/was in the same situation as you, GumbyLives. When new memories emerged I attempted to go it alone without therapy. My PTSD escalated until I required a therapist. After a horrible one who had too many issues of her own, I found another low cost therapist who has a true sliding scale fee based on income. The first one claimed to have sliding scale fee but it was not based on income. There is a new government program in the US which started after all the school shootings (especially the last one in Connecticut). If a therapy group qualifies for it then lower cost therapy is available through them. I believe there is some type of subsidy from the government. The therapy group usually consists of a psychiatrist, a psychologist, and several therapists. I got a recommendation from my pdoc to one of these therapy groups. I am on a limited income and need to be in therapy four times a month because of my symptoms and the memories from childhood.
  3. Three months before Christmas last year, one of my dogs acquired what is referred to a 'doggie aids.' The actual disease is a tick borne illness. He lost over 40 pounds in three months and died a horrible death on Christmas Day. During my dog's protracted illness, I was triggered and had frequent flashbacks and intrusive thoughts and images come to me about my father's abuse. One of the symptoms of the tick borne illness was bleeding. This triggered me the most with disturbing images of my father using knives. I cringed whenever the images bombarded me. After my dog's death, I slipped into a suicidal depression and slowly went down hill. I was not even aware of how bad off I was until I decided it was necessary to see a pdoc. It was the first time in my life to see one. It took three months to see the pdoc during which time I thought I would go off the deep end. My dog's death and how he died reminded me of the abuse and deaths my father forced me to watch. It struck a chord deep within me about the intense emotions I carried inside me. I kept repeating to myself, 'this will be my undoing.' I understood what that meant. I would start to grieve everything which happened to me. Though... I feel stuck in the muck and mire of depression and I hate it. I hate that feeling of not being able to move past this. My therapist asked me to write down my feelings. I thought I had none. Tons emerged. Mostly rage and sadness. I misunderstood his assignment. He wanted me to write down how I felt when a memory emerged. So the next week I tried that and found I could not shut off the memory. Once the door opened up I was forever reliving bits and pieces of the memories and not being able to shut the door again. The feelings kept coming; terrified, overwhelmed, anxious. Those feelings left me depressed again. My assignment this week is to write a grief letter about my mother. Now there's a huge ball of crap to write about. After she died over three years ago, I started to remember more abuse my father perpetrated on me. She was a narcissist and had OCPD. She was anal to the max about many things in her life and therefore my life. My mother had to control everything around her and everyone around, especially me. I was her scapegoat. I don't have to do any of these assignments. However, they would help me heal from my childhood abuse and that is my goal in therapy. I am the one who set that goal, to express my emotions, to deal with the helplessness I feel. It is almost Sunday and I have not even sat down in front of my journal software to write a thing. Half of my week gone and I rotate on it avoiding that assignment. And I am a prolific writer and I journal daily but not since this assignment. Yesterday, I expressed some of the things I learned from my mother with my two granddaughters. This rings a familiar bell though: the ability to express good things about the people who raised me and the inability to express the bad things about those people. I can tell anyone all the horrible things my mother and father did to me BUT... then I am stuck. I cannot express the horrible feelings I have for those people who violated me in so many ways. I am stuck in the depression I hate so much. The only way out is through those yucky feelings.
  4. The sound of any paper ripping or tearing, even an envelope opening, sometimes reading a book and flipping the pages especially if they are crisp ones. The sound of knives being sharpened, knives cutting through something and hitting something hard. Sudden noises of any type which I am not expecting. (There are some noises around where I live which are sudden and I expect them. Those I do not have a problem with.) A cat crying out that sounds as if it were a baby. And many of the ones people mentioned here as well, i.e., cutlery on a plate; someone chewing food; crowds.
  5. I went to your suggested site ptypes.com, and it has absolutely NOTHING to do with Axis 2 Personality Disorders as diagnosed by a Psychiatrist with the DSM. It has nothing to do with these psychiatric illness. "This website is dedicated to the study and practice of Stoicism" This is philosophy, not medicine. Here is the direct link to the personality disorders page: http://www.ptypes.com/overviews.html The personality disorders are on the right hand side inside a box. They list 4 catagories rather than three and group them differently than other sites.
  6. A therapist I saw for 14 years told me that personality disorder tests do not take into account personality types. I am an introvert and that frequently lines me up with Schizoid Personality Disorder. That therapist tested me and told me I do not have SPD.
  7. An interesting site on personality disorders and "normal" washing machine setting personality types is: ptypes.com There are links to other sites on their website. The site goes into details about each personality disorder and personality types.
  8. Hello WinterRosie, My integration occurred over about 10 years. Less and less I needed to protect my inner circles of alters and they integrated into each other. As the me that is I strengthened, I found I no longer needed alters to protect me. This is how I explained it to someone else on a different forum: I had the same thing with alters "going" and then returning. I think they never went anywhere except to leave the outward position for a while. I had many times where I believed all was healed and integrated only to find more memories and alters. I think the paradigm shift changed a lot within my system; I no longer needed to protect myself from threats. As the only true threat had been my father and his possible kidnapping me. The shift was gradual over several years. Five years later my mother died and I noticed no alters around. It was as if the last person who tried to keep me from telling the truth was gone out of my life. And within a few months after her death I had a flooding of memories. I did not notice any switching of alters. I have a problem right now with a therapist (4th therapist and not current one). I fully expected to see some unraveling of alters. Nope. Although my anxiety level is high, I have not seen any new alters, something which used to happen all the time, or emerging of present alters. I do believe I have some alters though not many. Or maybe the alternate of me? My current T does not think I have any. More like now I am left with the PTSD and no alters. So everything is in my face in terms of emotions and feelings. When I found the core, I found an alter named Me. At first I thought that was “me.” Inside me there were lots of twin alters. This came about through the abuse my father perpetrated on me. ----- The paradigm shift was accepting my father as my biological father. It was a huge step within me and altered so much of my life and who I was. The day was my 52nd birthday and I finally accepted I had a different father. From that day forward, I slept with my light off at night. For 42 years I had slept with my light on at night. I was terrified of a mystery man (my father) finding me. I will say I heard a child's voice speak to me from within about something they saw their 'daddy' doing. This is a new memory. And I started with many alters, lots of fragments with bits and pieces of memories and/or feelings/emotions. I had groups of alters blocking and/or protecting other groups of alters. It was crowded in my mind for years before integration started to happen.
  9. I was diagnosed 10 years ago and my endo says I had it for 30 years before that. He keeps my TSH around 0.8 to 1.1, and I feel best around that range. He tests me every 6 months because I have never been stable on my thyroid med dose. My endo performs a TSH, Free T4 and a TT3. I started on Tirosint five months ago and like it better than Levoxyl. I don't know if my insurance will cover it beyond 1 year though. Synthroid never helped me much and I couldn't handle the dyes in it and in the generic. Plus my endo believes that the generic is not as good as the brand names. My toenails are finally growing. I never had toenails which didn't split and crack before my current dose. My hands are soft. My eczemas are under control. I have a lot more indicators of being on the right dose. If you are not stabilized on the thyroid med, tests need to be performed more often. Before I got more stabilized (not completely though), my endo tested me every 8 weeks.
  10. Hello Everyone, I'm glad I found this place. I was surprised to read that no trigger warnings were necessary... and relieved. I am a member of another support forum for survivors of abuse, different name, and there I have to use trigger warnings. I am a survivor of childhood abuse by my mother, father, and older brother. Both my mother and brother were/are narcissists. My father was/is (do not know whether he is dead or alive) a psychopath/narcissist. I grew up with my mother and stepdad and brothers. I don't have contact with my family. My father was/is a serial killer and forced me to watch him commit many gruesome, protracted, and systematic murders of innocent people, mostly children. He was/is a pedophile. He abused me too. The first time I witnessed one of his horrific crimes, I was three years old. As a child I was forced to visit my father through an agreement which he made with my mother. I no longer have contact with him. For the first time since I started to remember what happened to me 25 years ago, I started seeing a psychiatrist. I resisted seeing one for all those years because my first therapist tried to get me committed against my will. She thought I was screwed up because of the first memory I shared about being three years old and seeing this "crazy man" murder two people. Recently, I started with my fifth therapist. As a result of everything I experienced in my mind-fuck of a childhood and my fucked up marriage of 28 years, I suffer from PTSD, DID (mostly integrated), depression, anxiety, dermatillomania, and hypothyroidism (I've been told more than once that long term, severe abuse messes up your immune system.) I hope to find a place here where I can heal from the atrocities I've witnessed.
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