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curiouscandela

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About curiouscandela

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  1. Thanks. I just want to make sure I address the entire problem, which is deeper and more complex than I initially suspected. I'm sorry I can't elaborate right now. I'm so agitated, I have to focus on relaxing and stay away from the computer. I'll come back when things calm down.
  2. Thank you for the support and suggestion. It's a good idea but one that also scares me, exactly because it would go in my chart. I'm extremely irritable lately, easily agitated over anything- the smallest things set me off. I think the weight concern is part of a larger problem that I don't want to go into. Anyway, I have two pdocs and I'm seeing one in a couple days ( not the one who does my meds- the med pdoc is the one who doesn't listen) and am requesting a longer meeting and bringling a family member to provide evidence. The pdoc who does my medical procedure can't get involved with my meds but she can refer me to someone else for a second opinion, and I think it's time for a full evaluation.
  3. I was doing so well in my recovery from 20 years of ED- restrictive eating, compulsive exercising, & BN that progressed into severe AN. I was so vitamin depleted, I eventually became psychotic- persistant, treatment resistant auditory hallucinations & paranoia for years. I should be dead. I was told I'd never recover. Somehow, I did- it's been over 2 years, but I'm in danger now. ED is back.The honeymoon phase ended six months ago, the feeling fat stuff returned, and I was unhappy with my weight then, managed to lose a little healthfully but was shocked at how hard it is to lose on my meds. My pdoc refuses to make any changes ( except she increased one thing that causes weight gain a few months ago) and is happy with my weight, as is my gdoc. My BMI is normal, but I feel huge, morbidly obese. A medical specialist. told me to lose weight a few months ago, confirming my feelings. Obviously that sent me for a spin, and I took some matters into my own hands briefly. All that did was make me feel tired. Still wouldn't say I was back into ED because my eating improved. My pdoc knows about everything and still won't budge. Says it's all in my head and to find a support group. How can it be in my head if a medical doctor is telling me to lose weight? Lately I've been having ED thoughts, wanting to make myself vomit, skip meals, stop meds, and feeling like I've gained weight. I feel SO UNCOMFORTABLE in my BODY I CAN"T STAND IT. I SERIOUSLY DON"T KNOW WHAT TO DO. NOBODY IS LISTENING TO ME. I WILL NOT CONTINUE LIKE THIS. I weighed myself today ( have been too scared) and it's not in my head. I have gained weight. I can't sit still, can't even be- I feel disgusting, every movement,every fold of skin, just my body's physical prescence is traumatizing. And I've felt this way for awhile now, pre weighing myself. I know weight loss isn't the answer because I've felt this way when AN. It's a trap. I don't want to be inside my body. I'm having desperate thoughts. I won't act out or behave impusively, but I want to check out, numb out, not feel. I don't know who to talk to because if I speak truthfully everything I've worked for will be taken away. I don't want to go through this again. I just want to make it stop. Why? why does it come back? Why don't people understand how serious this is?
  4. I'm not going to win any popularity points for this post but I'm glad I tried Clozaril. That doesn't mean I liked it or that I'm pro Clozaril, it means as a last resort combined with other last resort treatment, it helped. Now before you jump to assumptions, I know what it feels like to be pressured by doctors to take a medication. I had a horrid experience when my psychosis was brand new in a hospital. I was terrified and refused the only med they would prescribe, an old AP, because I thought it was Thorazine. My thinking wasn't reality based at the time, but I knew they had multiple AAP's they could offer me. I refused to take an older AP, and they offered no explanation. All I could think of was " the /thorazine shuffle". SO I know what it feels like to have an entire staff pressure you, harass you, and raise their voices because you refuse a medl. They kept trying to coax, then trick me into taking it. My pdoc, who I trusted got me to take it with no problem after calmly explaining his rationale and trying another older AP first. Which brings me to my next point, as was the case with clozaril, it wasn't just the med that mattered, but who prescribed it and how. I was psychotic for a significant chunk of years before it was suggested and I'd tried nearly everything else with no relief. Anorexic at the time, I had no intention of taking anything that caused a pound of weight gain, sedation, etc. It was not an easy decision. It took months before I was willing to consider it . I was lucky to be admitted to this program. I've worked with some great doctors ( some not so great), but these doctors were the best. They educated me about ALL the last resort treatment options, and we had internet access so I could do my own research. They didn't preach or treat me like a moron. I bargained with them. I agreed to go on Clozaril if they gave me a specific medication to combat the weight issue, and only if they promised to address the sedation etc if it developed. They listened to ALL my concerns, and we worked out a plan.They weren't pushovers. They told me I had to gain weight,or I would never recover, that the meds couldn't work at my weight in my malnourished, vitamin depleted state, and that the psychosis was likely related to my eating disorder. I agreed to eat regular meals, drink additional nutritional supplements, take vitamins, etc, but they allowed the weight loss medication at a minimal dose, permitted work outs, never forced me to eat, and held true to their promise when the sedation set in. If not for those doctors, that hospital, the right time, the right place- I NEVER would have surrendered. And that's what it was- ceasing to fight. AND I"M NOT SAYING YOU ARE FIGHTING. I"M SAYING I WAS. Now Clozaril was a beast. I certainly didn't enjoy it. Thank God I was in the hospital. I fainted often at first, had really, really low blood pressure and was on special medical watch. My blood sugar spiked, I gained an enormous amount of weight rapidly, I drooled, I was exhaused, I had to wear adult diapers at night but the voices and paranoia went away pronto. It may have been a combination of things- i started another helpful med at the same time that I'm still on and medical procedures that I still do. I was able to come off the Clozaril after 4 or 5 months, switch to an AAP. Now I'm on AAP's that never worked prior to the Clozaril. I don't like my weight, would love to be off an AP, but it's better than constant auditory hallucinations and depression. I never knew life could be this good. That doesn't mean it's perfect, but I don't expect it to be. SO this isn't a pro or anti clozaril post. It's a " my story" post.. It's a consider all your options, bargain, and only consider it with a doctor you really like and trust. There's a reason it's a last resort... but sometimes what we fear suprises us...
  5. I really appreciate this thread. It's helpful to see what others are experiencing. I'm sorta scared to post right now but have wanted to for awhile. Imagine most of you understand what that feels like. Just wanted to say hello and thank you. I know I'm not alone and maybe if I can direct my energy towards a good cause and stay relaxed, peace will return. Hope you are well. Hang in there- all of us.
  6. And this is supposed to make me more supportive of meds? I'm pretty sure at this point I don't understand what point it is you're trying to make, or what question you're asking. I really don't. I don't have an objective. I asked a question to help me better understand the anti med perspective, and it's been answered. My recent reply was merely to indicate that I might be able to relate to concerns about meds and treatment more than I previously let on. In my joy of feeling better, it's sometimes easy to overlook how resistant I was to meds ( specific types) for a long time, although I was never anti med totally. I went to great lenghts to advocate for myself, the types of meds I would take, the kinds of doctors I would work with, and therapists I would talk to. I encountered my fair share of shitty treatment and some really wonderful treatment. It was by no means all sunshine and roses nor do I expect it to be for anyone else. I'm not trying to convince you to take meds, that has never been an argument. Best of luck to you in your journey.
  7. I don't think my answer is the only correct one. Back in September, I simply asked for help understanding the anti med viewpoint. I've received that help on this board, from friends in life, from my own research, and from my own difficulties over the last few months with meds. I would never tell my friends who have recently opted to go off meds that their choice was wrong because I believe they are doing what's best for them. Perhaps it's easier to get carried away and come across in extremes in anonymous forum. I think I can relate more than my previous posts alluded.
  8. Ok here's the funny thing. To all of you who say I'm incapable of understanding, here's something to consider: Am working on some writing and have been accessing my electronic medical records from hospitals and doctors over the last few months. I highly recommend reading what doctors have said about you and all the results of your lab work if you haven't tried this already. There's a lot of info they don't share... My hospital records from nov 2011, which was several months prior to finding a medication regime that helped my persistant, treatment resistant auditory hallucinations and paranoia states I " have a history of noncompliance" If I have this label, who knows what others have. I have refused meds in the hosptital before ( not all of them but some) and once called the state mental health hotline to report a hospital for committing me against my will when my psychosis first started because I was neither suicdal nor homicdal. It worked. Guess who was released early??? So there I am a pro med, pro ECT, crazy woman who's been on over 50 meds, in the hospital more times than I care to recall, extemely sensitive to all medications (YES- I've had plenty of side effects from weight gain to high blood sugar, to slobbering,sexual side effects, agitation, restlessness, tics, to wetting the bed repeatedly at night adn having to wear adult diapers etc), with assorted diagnoses ( that have changed over the years). And despite all of this, miracles have occured. I am extremely grateful but still not an easy patient to work with... ha ha ha...thank you all for enlightening me. I bet you never guessed I had a history of noncompliance....
  9. Just an update, I started therapy, but it's been slow. It's taken so long to fill in my tdoc on my history that we've barely had any time to discuss current issues. She's been really interested in the schizoaffective diagnosis, how I got it, history of auditory hallucinations combined with anorexia, blah blah blah.. I keep having to remind her I'm not there for schizoaffective reasons, that I'm no longer psychotic, depressed, abusing substances, or active in in my ed. I mean, I am in recovery and every day is a new day, so who knows what it will bring, but most of my issues now are normal everyday adjusting to life things. I got really busy with work, so I had to stop dating back in September. Hmm... funny how that worked..I don't miss dating either. I enjoy working, even when I do it too much. Possibly because I was unable to work for so long. So the dating and body image topic has only been mentioned a couple of times in therapy. She mainly just let me talk. Didn't have any advice. Fast forward a couple months, Still don't want to be seen nude but not really an issue now since I'm not going out on dates. This is genuinally the busy time of year for my industry ( will slow down in spring), and I've been taking a couple writing classes, so I have NO free time. Having a little holiday break today Of course I wonder how much my fear of intmacy and issues with body image contribute to my over working, so I don't have to deal with dating. Maybe I'm just not ready yet. Frankly I'd rather write than go on a date. Not sure how to discuss dating/intimacy/body issue in therapy when it's not presenting itself. Guess we could talk about general body image concerns. Of course I wonder if dwelling on my body will make me think about it more, feel more conscious, and create more of an issue. Those of you in long term recovery, how did you confront lingering issues surrounding your body? Or should I expect to always have a few? I suppose it's "normal" to be disatisfied with one's body to some extent.
  10. grrrr... Your overall health and wellness should be what your family is concerned about. Not what size dress you wear! Unfortunately, we don't get to choose our family members, but we can choose who we include in our support systems, and family members don't always make the best choice. I can't tell from your post how informed your family is about your history of ed specifically. They obviously know you have a psychiatric history and based on that, would think/hope they might be more sensitive. Even if they haven't been involved in your treatment or educated by professionals in the field, common sense dictates that making critical comments would be unhelpful. I have a long history of pyschiatric issues and a 20 year battle with an eating disorder. My family has A LOT of knowledge about my conditions. Nevertheless, one family member continues to make unthouhgtful comments about people's bodies ( on TV & real life), from obesity to instances of slight weight gain, comparisons about my anorexic body vs. my body now, derogatory descriptions of bodies, and running commentary on what I eat/ when I eat. I have discussed my objections about the nature of such remarks with this person, and this person acts like I am being unreasonable/ridiculous. He/she is old, set in their ways, and isn't going to change now. We've been through family therapy too. While I don't accept these comments, I can't let them get to me. This person is incapable of change, so I have to change my expectations of that person. Sadly, I can't expect support in this realm. I'm guessing you've tried telling your family how their comments make you feel. You can always tell them again. Maybe they'll listen to a professional if you haven't tried that route already. If they're simply unwilling to change like my family member, my heart goes out to you. If that's the case, they will probably continue to hurt you with their comments, so perhaps changing your expectations of them will help. This is a lot easier to say than to do. We want to feel loved and supported by our families. Some families have odd ways of expressing this, ways that hurt us. Fill your life with people who are positive, contribute to your well being, make you feel good about yourself, and help you grow. Focus less energy on those who hurt you; they aren't worth the time. Again, this is difficult to enact but just don't play into their games. Even if you have to come online and rely on total strangers, find people who will support you, people who understand. Your worth and value aren't determined by the scale. You deserve love, support, and overall health. Goodluck to you.
  11. Okay, I'm back with an update and I have good news! I met with my doctor again in early Dec, after speaking with her on the phone the night of the Ritalin upset. And boy am I glad we met in person again. She was fantastic. It turns out, she doesn't like to change people's meds around the holidays. That was her big concern. We reviewed all my meds and decided i should go off my Metformin, since I had noticed I problems with my concentration and feeling more tired as soon as I started taking it, not to mention issues with low blood sugar. It takes about a month to get into your system and that is when my syptoms got worse, which happened to be at the same time I was dealing with MRSA and Cipro, so it made everything very confusing. I had aksed my pharamacist if metformin interfers with adderall and he said no, researched it, and even posted about it here way back in Oct. My doctor said I could always go back on the Metformin if I wanted but we both agreed i should try going off it and see if my concentration improved. When we discussed meds, she said she hasn't had much luck with extended release adderall. I asked about brand name adderall, and she thought that was an excellent idea. So we went with brand name adderall at the same strenght. ( I'd done some research on the difference between generic and brand). Then I mentioned vitamins, which I'd also researched- specific ones to combat adderall tolerance, help ADD, and for overall mental health. We came up with a short list. So I started the vitamins and went off the Metformin in early Dec. The pharmacy had to order the brand name Adderall, which took a week. I noticed an improvement just on the vitamins and being off the Metaformin. Then the brand name Adderall was really great- big difference. I'm taking 15-30 mg less Adderall than prescribed a day now. Have been off Metformin 3 weeks now, so it's almost out of my system. Very pleased with the solution. It was definitely worth looking at my other meds ( even if they didn't technically interfere- they still might have an effect ), considering supplements ( with medical advice), and exploring brand name meds- to bad I didn't do all of that before switiching ADD meds in the first place. Now I know
  12. Does the Dexedrine still work for you after all this time? I was on it years ago before I was diagnosed with ADD for severe depression but I recall that it helped my concentration. Sorry you've had to try so many different meds. Does anything help the ADHD completely? I'd switch to a pharmacy that treats you better. I love mine. I'm there all the time, so they know me well.
  13. Since I've started the ritalin today, not only have I been extremely iritable and agitated, but I've had mood swings, heart palpitations, and have been sobbing for hours. I feel like ripping my hair out. I haven't felt this bad in years. Can't believe how intense my reaction has been. Maybe I had this reaction to ritalin when I took it a few years ago but I was so used to feeling terrible all the time, I never noticed. Anyway after almost switching doctors and insurance, but getting some wise advice froma trusted health advisor, I decided to call my pharmacist and check the seriousness of my side effects. he encouraged me to call my doctor which I did. He also suggested that I might want to stick with extended release adderall and he said insurance should cover it. Was able to speak to my doctor. She was very kind and understanding. Told me not to take anymore ritalin and to take some ativan and drink lots of water. Reassured me that everything will be okay. We just know now that I can't take Ritalin type meds. She said I could try something else. I said I don't want to risk another bad episode and would prefer to stick with extended release adderall, She agreed that was a good idea. She told me to call in the morning when she was at the office so she could review her notes and she'd prescribe something else. I told her I'd bring her the remaining ritalin which seemed to please her. She was very sympathetic and told me to call her back tonight if I neede her. Very different than her reaction this morning. Now I see her wisdom in not wanting to make in any changes to my meds. I knew i liked her for a reason. Just hope the extended release adderall works. But I guess being non productive is 100 times better than feeling like a sad, evil witch who wants to destroy everything and that life is over. just a small taste of how I used to feel everyday. I prefer to do without these blasts from the past. will keep you posted...hopefully no more drama
  14. I didn't have any problems getting on a stimulant when i was psychotic. the doctors just told me to watch and see if it made the hallucinations and paranoia worse. They were already bad to begin with but the stimulants didn't seem to intensify them. My anorexia seemed to exacerbate my psychcosis more than anything. I didn't notice that much benefit from the stimulants when I had auditory hallucinations though. It was impossible to focus. Hope you figure something out. Maybe they'll let you try a low dose.
  15. Ughh... it was awful at the pdoc today. She was typing on the computer while I was pouring my heart out to her. I'm seriously distressed about my lack of productivity. It's been going on a month and she wasn't even listening to me. Normally she's great and spends a lot of time with me. I think she was in a bad mood. I overheard her having to deal with a massively disgruntled patient prior to our session. Anyway, when I finished my pleading and had fully explained the situation. She said, well there's really nothing she could do because I'd already been on lots of the other ADD meds. She's really against making any changes to my medication because I've been doing so well. Then she said, don't underestimate the fact that you've had MRSA( that's the health issue I had and was on Cipro for, but I've been off antibiotics for almost 2 weeks now). And I had MRSA a month before it was diagnosed; the adderall was still working that month ( not as well as this summer and earlier in the fall, but it didn't stop working completely until early Nov, at the same time I found out I had MRSA) So I had to remind her about all of that and restate that I was on the other ADD meds years ago when I was psychotic,depressed severely anorexic, and went through a year and half bout of insomnia. They never worked that well, including Adderall until I.got proper treatment for those issues and took a 9 month break from ADD meds. When I tried Adderall in June it was a wonder drug. It had never worked that well. It was life changing. Once I explained this for the second time, she seemed a bit more open She asked if I had tried Vyvanse. I said I had briefly but hadn't responded that well to it, but with all those other factors at play back then it was hard to tell, that it might work now. I said I'd tried Metadate and Ritalin and they had been okay. Then I said I'd heard really good things about Focalin. She perked up when I mentioned Focalin. I asked her if I would be better with Vyvanse or something in the Ritalin family since I had developed a tolerance to Adderall. She said they were all similar and that it didn't really matter. Now that's not what I've heard or read.I think she wasn't in the mood for a long session and didn't feel like going into details. Vyvanse, Adderall, and Ritalin are all different chemically and I wanted to know which would be the best to take to lower my Adderall tolerance so I can eventually go back on the Adderall. She acted like it didn't make much difference. So I asked what her other patients have had luck with. She replied shortly that it varied.Then she said just go with something in the ritalin family since it worked fairly well before. I asked about focalin again and she said did I want extended release or immediate release. I said I thought Focalin came in both. She said she only prescribes Focalin once a day. So I said I'd prefer to take something I have more control over and can take multiple doses of a day. So she said we'd go with Ritalin. She prescribed 20mg 3 times a day. I asked if that was equivalent to the amount of adderall I had been taking since I'd heard ritalin was weaker, and she dodged the question by saying she wasn't starting me on the lowest dose. I asked her if she could just write a prescription for a week or two so I could try it to see if it worked and she said no. Said she had to write a month's worth for insurance to cover it and that she couldn't write another one until next month, so I would just have to tough it out if it didn't work. I was so pissed. She doesn't give a shit that my work life is in ruins. She's changed my dose of adderall before a month is up, so I know she can do it and I know insurance will cover it. She's treating me like I'm drug seeking. I'm just trying to find a medication that works. I'm really not happy with her. I also asked if I could switch my ativan to klonapin and she said no right away. I told her that the only reason I'm ativan is because I had to switch to it last year when i started ECT 3 times a week. I normally take klonapin and prefer it. It seems to work better for me. Now that I only do ECT once a month, my ECt shrink told me it was ok to switch back to klonapin. That's a minor change. I dont know why she's so against it. She said she's think about it and we could discuss it next month. Here's the kicker: I started the ritalin today and it's not doing much of anything. I've felt tired most of the day. And I've felt extremely irritated. Adderall never did that. I know it's just the first day but things don't look promising. I'll give a week but I'm not going to take something that causes me to be this irritated and doesn't work well. I'll call her if things don't improve. She can have the ritalin prescription if she writes me a script for something else. I don't care if insurance doesn't pay for it. I'll pay out of pocket. My work and well being are too important for this b.s. She'll have a fit probably since she already doesn't want to help me, but if I'm having side effects from it- the kind that it tells you to call your doctor about, she has to do something. I was so upset with her today I wanted to switch doctors. So what do you guys think? So you think I'm being unreasonable? Do you think my doctor is being harsh or just a typical doctor? I've never had a doctor take something I'm seriously upset about so lightly before. not happy. Maybe she was just having a bad day. I think I'm extra annoyed because of the ritalin. I'm usually pretty low key. Anyone else have bad reaction to ritalin?
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