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DreamTheater81

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About DreamTheater81

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    Me? Worry?

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  1. And I don't even have kids yet. There are only so many hours in a day and it seems like there are far more things I'm supposed to do than there is time for. I don't know how people can keep up with it all... Just having a really hard day.
  2. The original post was from 6 months ago - I had the follow up scan this past week.
  3. There is a great book called The Imp of the Mind: Exploring the Silent Epidemic of Obsessive Bad Thoughts. I read it last year when I was going through some truly awful intrusive thoughts. The book was a huge help. Here it is on Amazon: http://www.amazon.com/The-Imp-Mind-Exploring-Obsessive/dp/0452283078 You will get through it. My intrusive thoughts were awful - I felt like I was a murderer/rapist/horrible person. In my case, they were actually being caused by an SSRI. I was on a high dose of Prozac when I started having them. Once I switched from Prozac to Zoloft, they went away.
  4. I still have some anxiety about it, but I no longer feel like it's a certainty that I have lung cancer. When I received the email from my doctor, I was too anxious to read it for over an hour!
  5. My cat purring. An ice cold Coke. Chinese food. Laying outside in my hammock hearing the birds sing. Working in my garden.
  6. I would have to. I have no other useful skills. The job market is pretty good - which does make me feel a little better about it. Also the fact that I get emails from recruiters all the time. But I fear that that won't last forever, particularly as I get older. Ageism is a real problem in my field - everyone wants to hire the young college grads who know all the latest stuff. It's so hard to keep up.
  7. Thank you for the good advice. Unfortunately, part of the problem is that I can't imagine doing anything other than programming. It's always been part of my identity, since a young age. In fact, I already find myself sometimes getting anxiety about what I'm going to do with my time once I retire. I do enjoy programming. A lot. I'm ap my happiest when I'm busy writing code. And honestly, I have no other marketable skills. I could never start or run a business. I just want to be able to provide for my family.
  8. Resurrecting an old thread here, but I wanted to post an update. This week I had my 6 month follow up scan. Thankfully, the nodule has remained unchanged and is "likely benign". It was a huge weight off my chest!
  9. All I want is to have balance in my life. My greatest fear is that I will lose my job and not be able to find another. As a result, I've become obsessed with working on keeping my work related skills (programming) up to date, trying to learn new technologies, etc. Unfortunately, I can't even do that. There are so many different things to learn. It's impossible to learn them all. But I'm so overwhelmed and don't know where to even begin. As a result, it's been a long time since I've learned anything new. This obsession with keeping my work skills relevant has resulted in me getting extreme anxiety when I'm doing pretty much anything else in my life. In my mind, I've convinced myself that every moment not spent on the computer reading and learning, my skills are getting out of date and I'm putting my future employability in jeopardy. It has made things very difficult for me in my day-to-day life. As a result, I end up not doing much of anything else except sit at my computer. But, like I said, even when I'm there I can't actually decide on something to learn. If I start learning one thing, I feel such anxiety that I didn't make the best choice, and I'm neglecting other, more important skills. It's horrible. The anxiety just overtakes me, and I usually end up going to lie down in bed and go into full panic mode. Because I get such anxiety about doing non-computer-related things, I have developed a lot of avoidance to these things. I have bought countless books that I never make the time to read. I don't keep up on cleaning my house or doing yard work or other tasks I need to do as a homeowner. I can't get myself to go to the gym and get exercise because I fear being away from the computer, and programming, for any amount of time. Whenever my wife and I go out for a day trip, or I go out with friends, I feel such anxiety being unable to spend that time learning job-related things. I'm on several meds, and am going to therapy regularly. But I'm not getting anywhere. It's becoming unbearable. It's like my entire identity, the entire meaning of my life is centered around work and being employable. Anything else, I can't even imagine doing and get anxiety just thinking about it. I might see, for example, a friend on Facebook post some pictures of a leisurely cookout, or post about their great workout they just had, and I can't even imagine being able to make the time to do those things. I don't have any kids yet, but that is probably happening soon. I'm afraid that I will neglect my duties as a parent because I'm so obsessed around computer, computer, computer. I neglect my other responsibilities now, so why wouldn't I? I just don't know what to do anymore. There are two main problems I'm dealing with: 1. I am so obsessively focused about learning job-related things that I can't let myself do anything else. Even things I used to enjoy, like video games, cause extreme anxiety. 2. On the flip side, while I spend all that time on the computer, I can't actually choose anything to do because I over-analyze the choices. I look at all the time I've wasted on this. If I had just chose *something*, even if it was the "wrong" choice, I would at least have learned some new things! So, given this, I am basically living in fear of the inevitable day where I am unable to find a job. Then we lose our house. And everything will fall apart. Unless I find some way to break the cycle, and actually be able to learn new things related to my field, there *will* come a day where my skills are just too far out of date to be useful anymore. But, at the same time, I hate how much time I spend just focusing on that. I feel like I'm missing out on living a normal life. I get so anxious on the weekends because I'm not at work, and I don't know how to let myself just live a normal life when I'm not at work.
  10. Hi all, sorry I never replied a few weeks back. I did read and appreciate all of your advice and kind words. I did end up going to the wedding, and for the most part I had a good time. During the best man's toast, I got really sad because I realized I'm not in the groom's close circle of friends anymore. The best man was talking about several different trips/events they all had gone to together, and I never got invited to any of those. So that really bummed me out. After that, though, I was doing better. I really shouldn't be having alcohol, but I had two drinks to help loosen me up. The reception was fun. It was at a ski place, and during the cocktail hour we got to ride the ski lift to the top of the mountain and back down again. Beautiful scenery! I am glad I at least got invited. There were several friends that weren't even at the wedding.
  11. I know this is a stupid thing to be sad about, but I can't help it. I have been friends with this guy since we were 15. In high school, we were inseparable best friends. We weren't as close in college but still hung out with the same crowd. The wedding is today. I had just assumed he picked people that he is closer with now, but when I saw the pictures on Facebook of the rehearsal and saw who his groomsmen were I couldn't believe it. Two of them were the bride's brothers, so yeah, those are no-brainers. Another was my friend's brother. No-brainer. But the other guys were basically the other guys in our old group of friends. My friend who's getting married and the other friends that are his groomsmen were all groomsmen in my wedding. I know this is so petty. But I feel really hurt. I don't see him that much these days, but then neither does one of the guys he did ask. Under other circumstances this wouldn't bother me as much, but I already feel depressed that pretty much none of my friends ever call, or even text or IM, and they certainly never invite me out to do anything anymore. I only have one friend that talks to me and hangs out with me on a regular basis. So there's basically him and his wife and kids, and my wife. I never see or hear from anyone else, it seems. I'm going through a lot of other issues right now too (just check my post history if you're curious), so spending time with friends is really something I need. And it never happens. And now everyone from our old group of friends except me is in this guy's wedding.
  12. I am in the process of trying to come off of ziprasidone right now. I think it helps with my obsessive thinking, but it gives me tremors and I hate it.
  13. I'm having a particularly tough week. I'm several weeks into a new job, and I still have tons of anxiety about whether or not I'm going to fail in this new job. Something I've noticed I do a lot is what I call "trying to figure it all out". I have a lot of things I'm anxious about, mostly centered around decision making and time management - What book should I read, what skills should I learn for my job, how will I ever be an attentive father when I have kids, what things should I do around the house, etc. My brain's solution is to lie in bed, ruminate, and try to get it all figured out. I have this notion, which I know is irrational, that if I think about everything long enough, I will have figured out a plan and everything will finally be okay. This has been going on for almost 10 years, so it clearly isn't a working solution. Unfortunately, it's a habit I can't break. If I try to stop obsessing over it all, and try to just be in the present moment, I get anxiety because I'm not thinking about things trying to figure them out. So any time I have a spare moment, I try to "figure it all out". I stay awake in bed for hours. I space out while watching TV. I can't relax. Anyone else go through this each day?
  14. I get really worried about this sometimes. I imagine the worst case scenario like a home invasion. I am very anti-gun, so owning a firearm is not an option for me. But this makes me feel like I deserve it if someone does invade my home, because I didn't take the proper precautions to get a gun. Guns just make me nervous. I've only used one once, when my uncle took me shooting, and I was very uncomfortable and anxious the whole time. I also take this fear and expand it to such nightmare scenarios like a post-apocalyptic type thing, where everyone has to fend for themselves. Someone like me, who refuses to own a gun, would be totally screwed because the people with guns would come and take everything. It's just a bit irrational, but I can't help but think about it. Especially when I see shows like Doomsday Preppers and stuff.
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