yarnandcats

I went to the eye doctor today for a visual field test to complete the full eye exam that began in March but was interrupted by COVID/lockdowns and my own illness and family issues. I've never done well on this particular test and it's not because my eyesight is that crappy (although there is some peripheral loss/distortion due to having had papilledema). There is something else going on, especially having done visual field tests for the past 5 or 6 years, sometimes twice a year. Here's what I'm wondering: if the very unhelpful results this test consistently produces is due to my disability(-ies). In addition to DID and PTSD, I've been tested for learning disabilities and qualified for having my textbooks read to me along with other accommodations. I got through college by relying heavily on memorization. With the visual field test, there is no memorization, just overwhelming flashing lights and an attempt to click in acknowledgment of each one. I'm not sure to what even do with this; I feel like my healthcare is being impacted by my disability in a negative way. When I pointed out this possibility to the eye doctor, he took it in but dismissed it as inconsequential. Perhaps it is; still I feel so...unsettled.

There was a lockdown? Oh, right: folks in my county ignored it (mostly) except for ~5 days at the beginning. Otherwise, the traffic outside the house hasn't decreased (main state road). Had to go to pharmacy today (drive-thru pick-up) and drove past a church that was packed with folks not wearing masks. I feel sorry for folks needing more socialization than we do but at the expense of possibly becoming very ill/dying/acting as virus vector? There isn't enough Lysol to make us feel safe(r); the whole car, inside and out, needs to be decontaminated. We are in Phase 1 reopening, though; still new cases every day. I'm not sure this is going to work well.

Tdoc via interwebs isn't a thing of joy probably because tdoc isn't a thing of joy. Staring at tdoc for 50 minutes through a screen while she says "um" dozens of times is frustrating beyond endurance at times. However: not having to go out is absolutely fantastic.

Mom died this morning. We've been here for almost two weeks helping take care of her. Hospice these past five days. Exhausted. Numb.

dreading the weekend and coming week: traveling further into Hell (geographically south of current location) due to unfolding family medical emergency. any good tips for handling stress?

no kids (& getting close to the point of no return with that option): i second talking to her. when i was Harplet's age, i wish my parents (or at least one of them) had discussed things like that with me. Perhaps the key is to give knowledge (which is power, yes?) and help her see that you see her as firmly transitioning to (young) adult. Those are things that i would have responded to at 16 had my parents given me the chance.

y'all, focusing on the little things is the only way i know how to get through, well, anything, tbh. and those suggestions we made up there? took years to actually solidify into "ah-ha" moments of what to do; so please don't take on any shame or blame. i really think the main thing that began these small realizations was answering "what do i/we really want?" so we wrote a list, with anything and everything (actual possibilities and things that probably wouldn't happen and things that couldn't happen because: reality). we either revised the list or wrote a new one every-so-often (pick whatever time frame you like; 3 months is good to see if something is effective or not). the next thing we did was look for small ways we could make our some of the things on our list happen right now. for us, that meant things like finding a decent store-brand of peppermint tea to drink everyday; setting up a bird feeder and starting to ID the birds; growing some herbs in containers; getting rid of blue jeans in favor of corduroy pants (or wearing skirts); and lots of other small things implemented over the course of a year or so. all of these have added up to helping us feel more stable and centered on the Inside and isn't that the point? y'all can do this too. start small; celebrate often and show yourselves lots of love.

so, you're asking how to transition to self-soothing/self-calming from being predominantly reliant on others for that presently, yes? i can share things that help me/us, and this is with or without a tdoc to go to (tdoc-less at the moment). keep in mind these suggestions and may or may not work. breathing: i set the timer on my phone to go off four times/day so i can pause and breath/meditate/pray, wherever we are, whatever we're doing: deep breath in for 4 counts/hold for 4 counts/exhale for 4 counts/pause 4 counts and then on to the next breath. while breathing, we imagine inhaling the bad things and exhaling good, positive things to the world. i find looking at good photographs very relaxing, so i have several blogs bookmarked for just that: their photos. i take 10 minutes in the morning and/or evening to look at a few photos and take in some beauty, relax my mind. we learned to knit for this reason: handiwork is calming. is there anything you can do or learn to do like that? taking a walk, even short ones frequently, are helpful. i hope this helps some.

@dancesintherain i like the suggestion from you and @echolocation about one-day-at-a-time; this is such a HUGE thing, threatening to overwhelm he, she, sis and us that it should quickly become clear to everyone that's the only way to go. in fact, i'll probably just let the medical professionals surrounding the parents take care of that sort of dialog, as the med professionals will have a much higher chance of being heard (instead of crazy, faking, not-living-up-to-potential kid). gah. there is SO MUCH SHIT that this physical illness is dredging/stirring up i'm surprised we all aren't in hazmat suits.

try for an early service time besides the expected 11 am on sunday morning (for most christians) or for another day with a service (ie mid-week service); does the church you're interested in have a smaller group for a bible study or host small groups? those can be opportunities to interact with fewer folks and still get spiritual needs met. also i really like quakers: gentle, silent, extremely accepting of all folks/beliefs. good luck!

@ananke thanks for the links; they look really helpful, including any links on the pages. there is some external pressure to help them because i'm on disability and hence my life/time is viewed as "open and flexible" for such things (in other words, i really have no valid excuses for NOT fulfilling their requests, even before they became old/ill. contact has within the last 6 months become more frequent, although this has mainly been via phone/text/email. @echolocation i don't live in the same town, thankfully, but close enough for a day trip. i think he is expecting help...i'm the only kid speaking to him right now. thanks for the graphic novel recommendation; they're one of my favorite "new genres" to read. will definitely look that up!

the folks are getting older; he's already survived an intermediate grade of man part cancer and she is recently diagnosed (like within the last 2 weeks) with stage 4 female part cancer (prognosis: not good at all). they don't recognize the abuse, either of them, that occurred during childhood (except for her to blame all the ills on him) and neither will either of them take responsibility for any emotional abuse that is STILL happening (between themselves or with the rest of us). also there is no recognition of any repercussions of childhood abuse (PTSD, DID, anxiety/panic disorders) and no real validity given to my chronic physical illness either. so: wanting to help them out, because it's human and generous, etc. but also wanting / needing to set realistic boundaries that i can live with after she (& he) die: that's the conundrum. any suggestions? ideas? helpful links to share? "coping" with all this is ripping up the Insides and that's never a good thing.

thanks, jt, for sharing your compassion and wisdom and helping to create community. ❤️