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Bellatrix

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Everything posted by Bellatrix

  1. This sort of thing is prescribed to trans women all the time, and in some cases prescribed by psychiatrists or general practitioners instead of endocrinologists. I don't know that they'd prescribe it outside of that context, but I'm not sure it's quite as bad as people are saying.
  2. Yeah, that was a hard-won lesson for me. It was soooo hard to give it up, but I had to if I didn't want to be in a permanent panic attack.
  3. I do all three. I rely on context to indicate which is being used each particular time. That said, I always have to stop and think when I want to like something that is negative. I want to be supportive, but I don't know if that'll be communicated. I hope it is because I usually go with clicking "like."
  4. I hope everyone is having a wonderful December, or at least a good one. @melissaw72 I hope you can get your hip taken care of quickly. That sounds really painful. @heilmania I've been through similar cancer-scare panic attacks. I learned sooo much about medicine by frantically googling every symptom I had, only to have ever more elaborate panic attacks. Here's hoping the biopsy finds nothing bad.
  5. So I am possibly beginning a new relationship. This ought to be interesting. I think that was a post I started writing weeks ago and I'm not sure if I ever posted it. It just appeared in the edit box, though, so I'll go with it. I've been busier and doing better since SSI started - it's nice having money when I need it. I'm going to move, though, and will have a lot less discretionary money in the near future, however. But, hopefully, will be in a better place with people who don't trigger me all the time. Stress is up due to uncertainty about the future, though.
  6. Thanks @LMoS and @xXSombraXx. I appreciate your responses, and reading them does help! I've been doing better since I have the possibility of a relationship in the near future. I still have trouble with most things, although reading can keep my attention for hours on a good day. Games are hard though.
  7. Been really busy ever since my SSI started up in August. Also planning a move and trying to keep up with my therapy. Overall I seem to be doing better than usual despite some recent issues, but hopefully things will turn out okay. I don't mind that I was tagged. Wouldn't have known about this thread if I hadn't been.
  8. Thanks for the response - I do find that cuddling with cats helps a lot, I just don't have a cat where I'm living now (that will change when I move next month). What you said about getting in recreation time even when give a shit is at its nadir is a good point, and I think I will try to do that. I don't have my diagnosis in my sig, but the PD I am diagnosed with is BPD. There is some indication that Schizotypal might fit better but I haven't had that looked into.
  9. Apparently I am on a thread roll lately. So this is another thing that's been happening (well always been happening) in that nothing really interests or excites me. The idea of things does, like buying a new video game or clothes, going out to eat, watching my favorite shows or movies, but everything leaves me feeling empty. This is concerning to me due to new relationship, but also in general being able to enjoy life and do the things I love to do (and when I can't feel love for those things I just feel empty when I try to do them). Does anyone have any coping mechanisms for this? Sometimes I push through and do something anyway and it keeps me preoccupied, but often it doesn't. Sometimes playing video games also causes anxiety because of psychosis I experienced two years ago, which means I have to deal with the anhedonia/emptiness and when I get past that I might have enough anxiety that I can't play the games. So I spend all day reading forums or on tumblr, and feel like a hollow shell of a person (that's melodramatic and kind of a joke).
  10. And thank you for the kind words re self-awareness. It wasn't easy getting to this point.
  11. I know I don't need to do it with this relationship, I just have the impulse to do it, like it'd make them like me more or something.
  12. Thanks for the Pete Walker recommendation - I found one of his pages when I googled for fawn defense. And I agree that when I mirror I am being insecure. I always feel insecure about possible or actual relationships and of course trying to ingratiate doesn't help.
  13. I've done it so many times, and I've only really understood that I've been doing it recently, once I stopped rejecting the BPD label (was diagnosed nearly six years ago). I used to, with potential dates, mirror them to some extent, make it sound like we shared interests even when I didn't really. So it's only recently I've been acknowledging these things and trying to work on them. I agree that I can stop the behavior, I'm just working out the logistics. I'd never heard of the fawn defense before, but yeah, there's some of that going on with me. I had an intensely abusive father and my first relationship was just as abusive, and I tried anything and everything I could think of to mitigate the abuse (as if I had control over it or the abusers). So learning to assert myself is also hard - well, I have less trouble with that online but face to face it can be pretty difficult. Credentials weren't needed - I appreciated your comment about mirroring being irritating and a red flag, if mainly because that confirmed my own impression of it. I have been on the receiving end of it and it drove me up the wall, but it took me a long time to connect that to anything I did myself.
  14. Yes, I thought that was the case re: red flag. And I understand it being irritating. I don't want to mirror but I catch myself doing it. I don't think this would help as it's not an immediate thing. What I do most often is imitate their interests and some of their behavior. I'm not sure it's that severe, but I know it doesn't go over well.
  15. Fair enough. I mean I guess it depends on how far one goes. My instinct is to mirror everything possible, and that's never really worked out for me.
  16. So I am in the process of starting up a new relationship and I am running into a thing that has tripped me up in the past: Where I try to mirror my partner to be more appealing to them (I don't know if this even makes one more appealing, that's just how my brain rationalizes it). Does anyone have any advice for not doing this? And not moving too fast?
  17. Yeah, I hear you. I'm getting into a relationship right now and I am worried as hell that I'm going to do something to wreck it. Trying to just live in the moment when things happen is hard.
  18. Congratulations, @heilmania! @melissaw72 Depression can be insidious like that. I'm glad you were able to get it identified.
  19. Thanks. It was a pretty scary time! Fortunately, the psychosis is under control now, with some mild breakthrough symptoms.
  20. I am diagnosed with both BPD and with a psychotic disorder (which disorder seems to change from one professional to the next). My delusions were fairly persecutory, dealing with being spied upon by aliens or demons (wasn't clear on which). I don't know if the two are connected or not, but yeah I have both.
  21. I'll bring this up with my pdoc. I don't feel safe bringing it up to the two people I am thinking of (I have many reasons to distrust them, above and beyond my suspicion they're spying on me).
  22. So I live with six other people. Two of them are constantly watching me, it seems like. If I need to use the bathroom, one of them is in there in a flash. When I need to leave my room to do something, one of them comes out of their room, or arrives at home right at that moment and comes inside. If I need to use the kitchen one of them is in there right away. One of them is walking around my bedroom right now (outside and inside the house - he literally stopped outside my window). This isn't something that's occupying all my time. It's causing some distress, although I realize they are probably not actually watching me. This is really mild compared to what I was like unmedicated, but it's still really frustrating to deal with. I am not likely to get a resolution until I move next month, but I hope people have good coping mechanisms to suggest.
  23. That is completely a crock of shit. I wouldn't even bet that the law actually says that, but I wouldn't be surprised if the police lied to her because the police are basically terrible and borderline useless when it comes to dealing with rape.
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