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About ToasterFyre

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    Nut filled fruit cake

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  • Location
    Fogville USA
  • Interests
    Music, electronics, cats, cars, random happenstance.
  1. Hi, I'm toasterfyre and I am an addict. Caffeine is my drug and I am not proud to admit it. I quit smoking cigs, I quit drinking, I quit opiates, hell I even got past a raging MDA/MDMA habit, but I can't quit caffeine. Yes, I smoke cannabis for pain management but if I go a day or two without I don't notice my mood or my sanity slipping away. Sure my aches and pains are more evident but it isn't a huge deal. Without caffeine I can't sleep (seriously), I can't think, I really can't do anything. Even if it's only 12 hours since my last "dose," I find myself getting irritable, paranoid and I dare say delusional. I think people are out to get me and that I'm being followed. I know intellectually that none of this is true but it's hard to ignore. The physical symptoms, headache, the shakes, going from too hot to too cold and back are really bothersome as well. Those start up after about 16 hours or so. I have tried tapering off and just quitting...I usually end up putting my fist through something after a few days. When I was IP one time, they "cured" me by giving me a large benzo dose which knocked me out for 22 hours. When I woke up, I was just as irritable and paranoid. I got a cup of coffee and felt 1000 times better. Why am I posting this? I think because no one seems to think caffeine is that big of a deal. In fact, I think a lot of people, regardless of mental illness, are addicted. I tell people I genuinely have a problem and that I'd like to quit because I'm tired of feeling like I want to kill myself or other people every time I don't have the money for coffee or soda and I get told to "get over it." I've never wanted or had the desire to steal or hurt someone over any other drug. It's 100% legal and 100% safe according to people. Not to me...*sigh*
  2. I'll add another vote to the cat category. My cat (recently, two cats) are two of the most helpful souls when it comes to my depression. Just today I was having a panic freak out fit and both cats were really trying to help calm me down. One was standing by the door as if to say "you aren't walking out unless I go with you." The other one sat on my pile of stuff, making sure I couldn't leave. They are a team, those two. My partners help quite a bit too...we all have depression problems and having two other voices with experience is really helpful. Plus we can usually talk each other down. Music is always good. Video games, hell anything that gets me to use my logical brain is helpful. I hope you get to feeling better. It seems really bogus right now for just about everyone but I've noticed that things are cyclical. Just keep waiting for the upswing, it will happen.
  3. I've been building up to a major depressive episode for a few weeks. Too much stress and trying to take too much on with school and side projects. Long story short, there was a school shooting in my home town. For some reason, this triggered a down spiral that has been going on since Monday. Last night, I had a major breakdown but my loving partners managed to talk me out of it enough to get some sleep. Today I woke up and I feel like I've been hit by a train. Muscle aches, gut ache, headache...I feel almost feverish but I know I'm not. Seems like every injury I've ever had is acting up...ugh. Anyone else have experiences like this?
  4. I've had speech and stuttering problems most of my life but I did notice that the stuttering part got way worse when I was on Zoloft.
  5. I work in the club/party scene a lot and drugs are still considered "cool." It isn't so much about the drugs as it is the feeling that you are superman and that every action is 100% awesome. Joyriding a stolen car, puking everywhere and falling down so hard you bust a tooth = not cool but on drugs it's a party! Most kids come from places with strict authority and it's liberating to them that they can make whatever bad decision they want and then blame drugs later.
  6. I always think it's kind of sad that people are more concerned with how their potential dating partner/friends make money as opposed to wondering how they think and feel. I guess that's why I like meeting people at events or functions where people share a common bond.
  7. I was mostly mute all through middle school and partly through high school. I couldn't talk to a singular person much less to a group. My sophomore year, I decided that I was tired of peeing myself every time I thought about speaking in front of people. I signed up for not only a speech class but also the competition speech club. I jumped into it with both feet and even though it was incredibly hard at first (I ran out of the room crying a couple of times)I learned how to cope and even thrive. I still am a social phobic and I hate being around crowds but I can give a speech if I need to. There is a lot to be said for just going for it, even if you fail a few times. There is hope!
  8. I feel this way all the time. Thoughts running out of control and feeling like I can't stop. I'd say talk about it but I haven't been able to yet, at least not to anyone professional.
  9. "Oh, come on! SUPERMAN isn't awesome at Kryptonite: what standard are you holding yourself to?" A totally unrealistic standard as I have come to find out from several years of therapy. Growing up around very critical people turned me into a critical person, especially towards myself. Years of being told my developmental disorder was just me being lazy didn't help. I'm getting better as I learn coping skills. It took me a while to even admit that the problem wasn't just a character flaw. I spent quite a bit of my childhood and adult life being silent. Chat rooms and forums were the first thing that gave me a voice around other people.
  10. "And as Chris said, we are performing what we love & what we know inside & out, to where the rules & roles are well defined. And that says it perfectly." This is true. I spent at least a year practicing before I ever DJed on stage. When I came back from a several year hiatus, I again took the time to practice for a few months before I got back into the proverbial ring and boxed. I'm calm on stage but I also don't rate my performances well. The last gig I did, I felt like I was a jittery mess but my peers (who are notoriously picky when it comes to what is and is not good DJing) told me that I played solidly. I notice that I always have to tell myself to go with the flow and quit nitpicking or else I will sound terrible. Thanks for the replies. I'm glad it isn't just me not working hard enough at things, but again I always have to remind myself that I simply operate differently. It was much harder before I was diagnosed, because I was operating on an all or nothing mentality. If "Contrary a-hole anti-social disorder" was an official diagnosis one could put on paper, the doctors I talked to when I was younger would have settled on that as a diagnosis. Everyone was convinced that because I was good at some things (music, school) that I must be being lazy and defiant when it came to things I was terrible at, Of course, now I struggle with the concept from both sides. When I do great at something and exceed even my expectations of myself, I end up feeling down because I'm not awesome at everything. When I do terribly, I doubt my skills even at things I have been told I'm good at.
  11. I'm on the Autism spectrum. Ever since I was a child, I have found social situations awkward because I apparently don't have that tiny part of the brain that tells me when to keep my opinion to myself and/or I am too silent and people interpret that as being "creepy." I feel anxious around people too, mostly because I find the way they interact with each other disturbing. Here's the paradox: I DJ at festivals and clubs. Being on stage in that capacity has never bothered me. I guess because I can focus on the music and not the people, although being able to read what music the crowd will like is an important part of my job. I was wondering if anyone else on the spectrum had social anxiety but found joy in something involving being in front of people (acting, music ect.) I've had pdocs tell me that because I can get up in front of people doing one thing, it should be easy to be social in other aspects. I really have found that this isn't the case, but I do keep trying to apply my DJing brain to other social situations.
  12. Welcome to the forums! It's been my experience that being forced onto medical leave for a mental problem is quite depressing. We don't have nearly the restrictions about doing things here in the states but when I was put on leave for depression and anxiety, people treated me like I was an invalid and that I had something that would never go away. It was that fear of judgement that kept me from pursuing treatment and put me on the path to self medication. It's good that you are able to get help of some kind. I hope that talking to people in similar situations is helpful to you. The people here seem to be a good bunch to talk to.
  13. I'm actually up and ready to be in class on time. I missed lecture last week so now I'm a bit behind but my attendance this week has already improved. I did get quite a bit of math homework done the other day too... Love this thread!
  14. I wish I had better words of wisdom but the only thing I can think of is that I eventually got used to it. When I was a young child, I had vivid hallucinations like you described but for some reason I never was afraid. When I started to experiment with drugs, the hallucinations were very similar. The only time I had ever been truly scared was when all five senses were involved with the hallucination. I didn't have any sense telling me that it all wasn't real, even the smells seemed real. During this hallucination, I encountered a boy BBQing inside my house. I was more freaked out about the raging fire in my living room than the non-existent child. Everything felt so real, including the smell of charcoal and the heat from the fire. I guess what helped me is finding some sense (touch, taste, smell) that is grounded in reality and focusing on that. Also focusing on the fact that a visual hallucination won't hurt you helps too, but only after establishing the boundaries of reality. It took me years and years of practice, though. I can imagine that going from not hallucinating to what you describe would be really scary and hard to deal with.
  15. I have bladder problems and nothing makes me more anxious than having to pee in public. I'll buy something cheap and stupid if it means I actually get to use the restroom. I will confess to being very good at finding restrooms in buildings without people noticing. ;-) Sometimes, it's best not to ask, lol.
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