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vacillate_wildly

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  1. I was mean to my husband today. I went through all of the logistics in my head about the situation at hand, and I was still vicious. I was completely unfair and nasty in my behavior and I just couldn't stop myself. It's been a very long time that I have felt that way. My husband did not do anything wrong besides misread a text I sent. He actually was more inconvenienced than I was due to it, but I couldn't keep my mouth shut. And now I feel like a complete ass and I want to hide in a hole forever. At least I'm able to not desperately text him all night while he's at work telling him to leave me. Actually I'm posting on here to stop myself from doing that.
  2. I haven't been on this site in awhile, but I don't want to start my own thread about anything. It's 2:40 in the morning and I'm wide awake and anxious and agitated. Having mental illness and being a mother is a whole different animal. It's great because I have more motivation for living, but the consequences of failing (in general) are so much worse. And now my child is almost 2 and I know it's getting harder to "hide" it from them. I don't want to pass it on but I don't want to make it look shameful. My thoughts have been all over and I am only on Prozac because I'm still breastfeeding and I changed insurance and I'm still trying to get in with a pdoc and I'm afraid that when I finally do they'll tell me to stop breastfeeding. And give me all the meds. But I swear, I've really been much more even since pregnancy and breastfeeding, I think it's the hormones. Clearly I'm up right now, but it isn't very bad. Sorry to bust in here and rant, I'm just... I don't even know.
  3. As far as I know, picking is often related to OCD. I used to have a problem with picking, and I really wish I had helpful advice on how to stop. I think I eventually stopped because I was embarrassed when my now fiance saw it. It's basically the same motive I have for stopping my "regular" SI. So I suppose it shows my codependency. I still pick at little things occasionally, but nowhere near what I used to do. I really wish I had something more useful to say, from my experience, it sometimes seems like this behavior has a will of its own sometimes. Good luck in your efforts to stop.
  4. Thank you very much, I was also reading more info that was leaning towards lamictal being relatively safe.
  5. So, I found out on Monday morning that I'm pregnant. I stopped taking my meds with the exception of the Prozac because I know my cousin was recently on an ssri while pregnant and everything went fine. I know I need to talk to my pdoc and my next appointment with her is soon (the 1st); I'm just curious if anyone has any experience to share regarding meds and pregnancy. And I have an appointment with the obgyn's office this Monday, so I can ask them, too. I know that taking care of myself in turn takes care of the baby, but I don't want to be using meds that could potentially harm the baby, either. I looked up the pregnancy class for my meds (in my signature) and all I could find for all of them was class C and the advice that if the benefits of using the medication outweigh the potential risks, then use the medication. The exception is the kolnopin which is class d. I'm just very wary about all of this. Also, if anyone has general advice on being bipolar and pregnant (sounds like a winning combo, right??), it would be much appreciated. I know I'm in for an interesting 9 months.
  6. I can relate, I very much regret quitting school. I really like Titania's advice about using a pie chart to work out what is and isn't your fault, I might have to use that myself to accept some things in my own life. I hope you find some peace.
  7. I've had this happen to some extent. I applaud you for throwing out your razors blades, even if you bought more. It shows that you do want to stop, and it takes a lot of courage, much more than I have. I kept mine for years, even when I wasn't cutting. They're like a safety blanket to me. I only recently got rid of them (a couple months ago) and it was only because I was forced to. I still want them back. I have easy access to more at work, and have brought some home unintentionally, but now I'm probably going to keep them, even if I'm not currently cutting. I'm sorry you're in a mixed episode, those really suck. The way I often get myself to stop is guilt. I think about how I'm hurting my fiance by doing it. I know it's not a good long term reason to stop because it's not actually anything about respecting or caring about myself, but it often works well enough to get me to stop. But once I get to the point where I don't care about hurting him, then I relapse. But I suppose finding any way to stop is better than no way to stop. Is there anyone in your life that you can think of that you're hurting by cutting yourself? I hope you find some relief from your mixed episode soon.
  8. As far as I know, neither of my parents have ever SI'd, as they were very upset when I began as a teenager. However, my older brother who is an addict has SI'd in a different way than me, but long after I began. I think it is viewed differently with him. He has always been a reckless person so it sort of just goes along with that to my parents. For me, it is looked at as part of my mental illness. But as my brother has become a "worse" addict, I think his own mental illness has begun to be more apparent. Even if people like my father want to think he's just an asshole (which he can be) I think that he is sick. Even his addiction could be seen as some form of SI (to some extent), in my opinion. He's not stupid, he knows what it does, his best friend died from it, and he still does it. Obviously, the addiction is physical as well, but I don't think he would have gotten to be an addict without initially using drugs as a poor coping mechanism; which is what I view SI to be. A poor coping mechanism.
  9. Welcome to crazyboards! I've found these forums a great place to feel not so alone. I'll try to make my story short. I was first in therapy for "depression" at age 10, first psychiatric medication when I was 12 for ADD, started to SI around age 14, became psychotic at 15, hospitalized for the first time at 16 and diagnosed Bipolar-I around this time, IOP at 16/17, lots of college fuck ups after high school (never earned a degree but went to a lot of school), hospitalized again in 2009, another IOP in some winter I can't recall, finally dropped out of college for good a couple years ago, recently was on short term disability to go into in a partial hospitalization and IOP this fall. I'm 28 now. There's been lots of meds and lots of pdocs and tdocs and lots of me being non-compliant. Still struggling.
  10. I'm so sorry you're struggling. The side effects sound pretty bad. Hopefully they taper off as your body adjusts. Is there any way you can try and motivate yourself by using the evidence that your pdoc has helped you for the past 2 years pretty well, so maybe that will make it easier to trust her decision? Or give her a call and say "Hey, I'm having a lot of trouble with the side effects of my med changes. Is there anything we can do to help this?" Maybe explaining to her the troubles you've outlined here in your post (side effects, needing to be high functioning) could be beneficial. I myself am someone who regularly struggles with compliance, so I understand your feelings of wanting to do what you want to do when it comes to the meds. I hope you find your way; thinking of you today.
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