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manicmoonrise

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  1. Point taken. Although, if I'm being honest, sometimes I wonder if I do like the pain. It's all I've ever known. When I try to think of being happy, I find that I can't, because I don't know what it looks like. I don't believe I deserve it. Sometimes I think the reason my therapist is so great with me is because he went in knowing he could never fix me, but that his only objective was to keep me alive.
  2. So, I kind of have a rant as well. I agree that the line "what they don't do is change" is complete bullshit. I know of people who improve greatly. Now, I can't say I've met anyone who is 'cured' and most admit to still going through depression and self-hatred, and the overreacting/panic/anger outbursts only subside. I'm not saying it isn't possible to be cured, because I don't personally like to put limitations on anything or anyone, especially myself. Look at Angelina Jolie for instance; she spent time in a mental institution and had several suicidal episodes, but now she has such a full life and has grown amazingly. If I aspire to be like anyone, it's her. Having said that, the majority of the traits he describes... I definitely possess. Starting from age six I began suffering through BPD. I'm now 28 and have a three-year-old, and every day I tell myself I'm a shitty, lazy, worthless human being and a terrible mother who will never finish school and attain a respectable job. I'm always insecure. I'm quick to anger. Days when I want to take my son out into the world to play and actually have an exciting, interesting childhood- those are few and far between. The majority of my friendships and relationships have been utter disasters. The end of each relationship/friendship would devastate me and send me into a downward spiral of self-harm, self-medicating, and suicidal thoughts/tendencies. I go to talk therapy every week and see my psychiatrist once a month for med checks. My talk therapist is great. He understands me and doesn't judge. He's never said anything like this guy you posted about has said. Before I was on medication I eventually got to the point where I couldn't get out of bed. Most days it feels like I'm moving through molasses. I see everyday life in shades of gray, not color. Sometimes I don't even feel like I exist. My sleep-wake cycle is a goddamned nightmare. Speaking of nightmares- I have a lot of them. Happy dreams do not exist for me. When I find someone who relates to me and proves to be a special person, I attach myself and in romantic relationships almost instantly I "fall in love." But, once they give me even the slightest indication that I can't trust them, all trust goes out the window, down the street, and into a gutter where it dies a shitty, meaningless death... assuming I ever trusted them to begin with. Abandonment haunts me. My moods are unbearably chaotic and unpredictable, and my anxiety completely rules my world. I experience paranoia, mostly in the form of believing everyone around me is watching me and judging me, always thinking "wow, this is girl is a joke." I drive recklessly and go through phases of supersexuality where I'll sleep with someone for no other reason than to just feel alive. Shock value is something I go in search of often. I do go through periods of more stability, but they've never lasted. All it takes is some small negative impact on my life, and I'm sucked down into the spiral again. At this point I dread any relationship because I know it will end horribly. It was only this year I separated myself completely from my best friend of seven years over something that to anyone else would seem utterly ridiculous. To me it isn't ridiculous, but I've heard others say they believe it to be so. I recently spent time in an outpatient program, and the people I met who also had BPD were terrifyingly like me, in that they exhibited all of the traits that I did. It seemed the only difference between our cases was that the majority of them ended up in the program because they were admitted to psych for a suicide attempt and I hadn't. For a month we spent four hours a day doing talk group therapy, and we all got to know each other pretty well. Before I met them, I thought I was just some bizarre phenomenon with no real help in sight. I recognize that BPD isn't just some uniform disorder; everyone seems to experience their BPD differently. I may be on the severe side of the spectrum, while you are on the less severe side. I don't know if this particular psychologist has just had nothing but severe BPD patients, or if he's just an arrogant asshole. Regardless... I can't say that therapists don't have a logical reason for dreading us BPD patients. I wouldn't especially enjoy the chaos and repetition myself.
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