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Jenny

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About Jenny

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    Totally Froot Loops

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    female
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    Texas

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  1. update: At pdoc appt. at this point my options are 1) go to hospital willingly 2) be dragged to hospital no matter how much I don't want to go. So, hospital it is. Thanks for the support. See y'all in a week or two.
  2. I understand where you're coming from. Battling any kind of disordered eating alone is difficult at best. I'm glad you're here. Try taking small steps instead of making drastic changes. Drink a glass of water before eating. (You will feel full more quickly) Try being more mindful when you eat (e.g. turn off the tv and concentrate on the food only) Chew slowly and enjoy what you are eating. I don't know if this will help, but it might be worth a shot. I hope your pdoc addressed your concerns. It's definitely a bummer to not have heard from him/her after a week. When I see mine I generally walk out with prescription in hand. That's got to be frustrating. Try not to beat yourself up too much, it definitely won't help. Tomorrow is a new day and you can try again. At least you seem motivated to change even if you haven't done it quite yet. This is a good sign! Keep your chin up, and keep posting when you need support.
  3. Follow up: I can understand the need to address this with my pdoc but I'm kind of scared of doing it. First off, (and I know this is kinda sick) but if I'm being honest, I'm not sure how much I really want to fix this. I mean, the numbers on the scale are going down and I like it. Secondly, if I tell her what's going on I'm worried I might be judged as a "danger to myself". And realistically, I probably am. My calorie consumption is drastically low, I'm certainly not getting the nutrients I need and I am having thoughts of self harm and suicide. While some might cry "OMG, you need to be admitted!" this is not an option. I would lose my job, and frankly, I'm just not interested in another hospital stay. How do I talk to pdoc about this while being honest and not be dragged off to a psych unit? Is it even possible?
  4. I found some helpful information and worksheets at http://www.cci.health.wa.gov.au/resources/consumers.cfm There are modules for both Body dysmorphic disorder and for disordered eating.
  5. So roughly 4 weeks ago I went off my meds. (Have since resumed one med with pdoc approval) Everything was great until the nausea hit. It was constant. Every minute of every every day for about 10 days. During this time I was only eating chicken noodle soup and Pedialyte pops. The nausea has since subsided but I can't bring myself to eat much else. (Occasionally some animal crackers) These have become my "safe foods". I have lost significantly more weight than the recommended 1-2 lbs a week. My tdoc has told me I need to increase my calorie intake by more than 50% a day and I can't bring myself to do it. I experience great anxiety if I believe I am consuming too many calories in a given time or day. I know I am not giving my body what it needs (protein, fruits, veggies) but I have become somewhat fixated on a rather arbitrary calorie "limit" for the day. I am still quite overweight (from an objective BMI standpoint) so I'm not sure how big a problem this really is. I don't understand how this could come on so quickly. Should I address this with my pdoc?
  6. I have made more than a few suicidal guestures but only two very serious ones (back in October 2014 and January 2016). I overdosed on a common OTC medication (which I will not name for safety reasons) Anyway, after lots of charcoal and fluids I pulled through. My problem now is that during some routine blood work last week I found out that my kidneys aren't functioning well at all. I was admitted to the hospital for four days. I was pumped full of fluids and various meds and there was no improvement. I was discharged and told to follow up with my kidney doc in a week. Honestly, I'm not hopeful. If four days in the hospital didn't help what is a week at home going to do? Im almost 100% certain that it was the overdoses that caused my kidney issues. I'm not sure how to talk to my doctor about it though. I am afraid I will be treated differently because I brought this on myself. And then there's me. I'm really not sure how I feel or how I should feel. *sigh*
  7. I talked to my doc. Told her I was feeling suicidal and had a plan. We went over it and she asked if I wanted to go inpatient. I don't so I had to assure her I had no intent to act on my thoughts. in the end we didn't do any med changes but she hooked me up with a therapist for weekly visits. I've been wondering what triggered this episode of depression and suicidal ideation and I think part of it is my cycle and the fact that it has been raining and gloomy for almost two weeks now. Hopefully I can pull myself together long enough to make it to my first counseling session. I sincerely appreciate all the feedback and support. It has really helped me feel less isolated (which is a trigger for me) I think I'm gonna make it.
  8. Sometimes I think I would really like to be dead but I try to remind myself that suicide is a really selfish thing to do. I'm in this constant tug of war. I'm tired physically and mentally. Life seems to more than I can handle sometimes. I have these thoughts about ending my life and that makes me even more anxious. It's like some kind of crazy feed back loop. I'm anxious and depressed which makes me consider suicide and then contemplating sucicide makes me even more anxious. I can't seem to break through. I'm struggling to keep my head above water but I find it more difficult each passing day. I just don't know what to do anymore. *heavy sigh*
  9. Sometimes I feel like if an average person spent five minutes in my head that they would lock me away and throw away the key. If I actually talked to my therapist about any of this I would be committed. I often think of suicide but not in what I guess is a typical passive "I wish I weren't alive" kind of thing. I do research, what method is most effective, what repercusions would there be if I tried and failed (like if I OD'd on Tylenol and was unsuccessful there would be permanent liver damage). I determine based upon my weight how many milligrams/grams of any given substance would be fatal. I consider how long it would take for someone to realize that I'm not around and find my body (I don't want to be found a week later partially decomposed.) It goes on and on... I know this seems a bit ramble-ey but I just had to get some of this off my chest. I can't talk to any of my friends or family about this. Does anyone else experience this... obsession?
  10. I first want to say that I realize no one here can definitively say whether I am having seizures or not. That being said, I would like some feedback on what I am experiencing. About a month or two ago I kind of awoke from sleep after what seemed like a dream of having a seizure. It felt very real and the feeling lasted for about a half of a minute after 'coming to'. It's very hard to describe. Can you seize in your sleep and wake up in the middle of it? Also a week or two ago I realized that I must have hit my head. Hard. I had a big lump on the back of my head and it was very tender. I have no idea how or when I hit my head. I am reticent to see a doctor because I don't want to be diagnosed with epilepsy and have my drivers license revoked.
  11. Unfortunately seeing a therapist isn't in the budget. I do have a case manager through my local Mental Health/Mental Retardation Center but she isn't really trained to deal with eating disorders. I also have a psychiatrist but I don't think she is comfortable dealing with eating disorders. She manages my psych meds for bipolar but that's about it. Sorry, not sure where I was going with all that, but I appreciate the feedback
  12. I've been struggling with bulimia for years. My most recent period of "remission" was about three years. I've started again recently and this bout seems to be more severe than my other periods of active bulimia. Sometimes I cook knowing that I'm going to purge but other times I'll cook a meal promising I won't purge but end up doing it anyway. I definitely feel much more out of control this time. I obsess over what I will or will not eat all the time. I feel so lost. And alone. I don't feel like I can share this with anyone. Agh.
  13. Right now I'm on clozaril 'ODT 200 am and 100 pm Seroquel 400 pm (pdoc is lowering slowly) Depakote 1500 pm Klonapin 0.5 3x day as needed Lunesta 3 pm And for side effects Phenergan 25 before am dose of clozaril Cogentin 2 before pm clozaril The side effect bothering me the most is definitely the nausea, and nothing seems to help with that. The night time drooling is annoying but not as debilitating as the nausea. The blurry vision is somewhere between the two as far as irritating goes. I don't know exactly what I'm hoping for by posting here... Maybe advice about what has helped other people who have been through this already. Well, thanks for reading. Sorry my post is all discombobulated (again)
  14. Ive been taking clozaril for a couple of months and some of the side effects are really bothering me. I take 200 mg in the morning and 100 at night. I also take phenergan prior to my morning dose and cogentin before my pm dose. The phenergan is supposed to help with the disabling nausea I have after my morning dose, but it doesn't seem to be helping and is making me very sleepy during the day time. The cogentin is to help decrease the night time drooling and is helping with that problem but creating other side effects (cannot see up close) So, this is kind of ramble-y, sorry about that. I guess to get to the point I want to know if anyone else is having problems like this and if so how do you handle them? I really don't want to discontinue my clozaril because it is helping with all my psych issues, but I don't know if I will be able to stay with it and all the side effects.
  15. I started taking Clozaril about 2 months ago. My dose is currently at 200 mg a day ( which is not very high taking into consideration the fact that I smoke cigarettes). I have been noticeably more stable (no cutting or suicide attempts) for the past 3-4 weeks. I am brighter and less "flat" and have been a bit happier. This week I noticed that I have a lot more energy. I'm going crazy making lists of things to do and actually getting them done. I used to sit on the couch and think of things I needed to do, but I couldn't make myself get up to do them. Now I start doing things and think that I need to sit down and rest but I can't stop cleaning. My sleep schedule is a bit wonky, I stay up a lot later than usual, but sleep in as well so I'm still getting the same amount of rest. Is this hypomania? Am I starting to exhibit mild symptoms of OCD as the clozaril manufacturer had warned about? Is this how "normal" people feel all the time? Just wondering.
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