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Geek

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About Geek

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  1. It is my opinion that the French line is what really makes the joke... I mean, it's funny without it, but with it, it's true.
  2. My experience is different. I take stims for ADHD. I have been taking stims for over ten years, and, after finding an adequate dose, the only reason I've changed doses was because of other changes to my med cocktail (stop Vyvanse to take MAOI, for example). I have not had much tolerance build-up at all with true stims like Vyvanse or Ritalin (Strattera was different). Additionally - I do not do med holidays. I want to be able to focus in the evenings, on weekends and on holidays - not just when I'm at work. It makes such a difference to my mood to be able to focus. I've never understood not giving these meds every day. I may find the ADHD more disruptive than some people, I suppose. I want to say that I've heard that my experience of limited or no tolerance effect is consistent with an accurate ADHD diagnosis - that the way it effects those with ADHD is much different than other people, and tolerance is not an issue (or is less of an issue). I don't have a source on that though, so take it with a handful of salt.
  3. Definitely stimulating, but not in a way that helped my ADHD. It just confirmed my need for a sleep aid (and increased dose of that). At 300mg, I started getting daily headaches bordering on migraines. I only managed that for about a week.
  4. I had no friends in public school. There were a few people I met online, in a place similar to CB... but we grew apart when it came time to go to university. They went to private liberal arts schools. I was overcome by depression and isolated myself. I went to a small state school and got an engineering degree. I had some friends at university - a couple of guys I would meet with to do homework, primarily. Not people I was very close with though, and I don't know where they're at now. I'm a mechanical engineer, and a project engineer. I run the mechanical design and engineering portion of a project, and provide technical/field support during the manufacturing, construction and commissioning phases. I could never be a project manager... but I do a lot for them. In many ways I am the right arm for them - they do higher level coordination, but I get involved in solving the everyday problems. The project I'm assigned to is actually under construction in my city, which is highly unusual - my company has projects all over North America and Europe. It's just coincidence, really, that this project is in my city - though it is why it was assigned to someone from my office. As a result of its proximity (about 20 min drive from the office) I am expected to have greater than usual contact with the field. I have been instructed to schedule visits every other week, for 2-4 hours at a shot. The PM is not out of my office/city, so I will be doing more of their job simply due to proximity. In my field (or the industry in which I work), individual contributors do no design work. They simply do drafting - they create installation drawings from 3D models created by my team. It is very dull - no critical thinking required and highly detail oriented. I find it torturous to do. I do take stims. I have ADHD and the stims make a big difference in my ability to focus. Unfortunately, the Emsam I'm currently taking interacts with Vyvanse. My pdoc is letting me try some anyway - 20mg dose right now. Enough that I don't get much sleep... but not enough to help my focus. I am scared to leave my current city. At least here I have a few people I know. My chosen family, my tdoc and my pdoc. If I leave here - whether to return to Canada, or out to the UK where my brother is... I have nobody, or almost nobody. My brother is not living in a big city, and I doubt I could get work where he lives. He commutes hours each day to the big city where he works (managing software developers). I cannot live or even temporarily stay with my brother - I am very allergic to cats, and they have 3. I'm just... trapped. I don't know how to stop and be okay. I'm not sure it's possible. I want to ask my pdoc to dope me up so I stop caring. Load me up on seroquel, zyprexa... haldol... I'd rather be a zombie than this.
  5. I didn't qualify either - too high functioning, apparently. My doctors and medical history must be lying about my MI...
  6. I have no friends in Canada (barring a couple of CB-ers I've met once). I was a loser in high school (and middle school, and elementary school). I know nobody who is not connected to my parents. My brother and his fiancee were it, and he moved to the UK two months ago (she moved a year ago for school). I have nowhere to go except my parent's or a shelter. I have never worked in Canada except as a minor. I don't know if I would qualify for disability benefits it's possible I would, because of agreements between Canada and the US, but even if I did... as we all know, those are never much. I do know that it would be 90 days after moving back before I would qualify for public health care. I know wait lists for psychiatrists are 1 year or more. I know therapy is not covered in the public system. At the moment, amazingly, no one is upset with the quality of my work. But the stress, the pressure, the expectations... I nearly cried at work yesterday in front of multiple people (only one of whom is my supervisor, and I was not being scolded or berated or anything). No matter how hard I try, I can't get out of there after only 8 hours. It was a full hour later today than I said I'd stay from the moment I walked in. I manage less experienced engineers in order to run projects. Doing their job I would be bored out of my mind. Doing my job, the pressure is too great. I don't know how to find an in-between. I have been at this company for 14 months. I was told this would be better than my last place, I was told that they don't want us working OT. When I have a project assigned, it's been very unusual to not work OT. On the plus side, they do pay me (straight time) for the hours, despite my being salaried. It's not worth it though. Outside of work, I am no better. Just as depressed. Just as fucked up. I can't (or won't?) properly care for myself, my apartment or my dog. I stare at the wall, or I sleep. When I think about work, I panic and meltdown. Everything else just... I disengage. I saw my pdoc at lunch today. She either doesn't believe me or doesn't know what to do. She doesn't seem worried. I wasn't doing very well at answering her questions. Sat there staring at the floor or the wall as I try to tell her that I can't keep going. That the long weekend was horrible, that work costs me more energy than I have. That I can't keep this up. She asked if I had self-harmed in the last week, and if it helped. I said that at least I could breathe afterward. She just nodded. I called my tdoc one night this week. I'm supposed to practice good self care and have compassion for myself. She said in my session on Tuesday that maybe the reason meds don't help much is because my depression is less chemical than "intra-psychic". Doesn't that mean that it's my fault then? If I were trying hard enough, doing the right things, it would be... better. Tolerable, perhaps. I am weak for not making myself... function more. I can't have compassion for myself. I know she disagrees, and I know she would point out that I have compassion for people of all life situations. But it's different when it's me. And now it's another weekend. Not a long one, for better or worse. But still two days of no people, no distractions, no nothing. And then it will be back to work. How do you keep going? Or, why bother keeping going? I'm sorry for the essay. I'm sorry for wasting your time and attention and everything. I'm a selfish, attention-seeking prick.
  7. I had a horrible day at work. It was bad and yet, it was par for the course. I can't do my job. I can't handle the pressure. I'm such a failure and a fuckup. Due to <<reasons>> I cannot get disability in the US, where I currently live. I cannot work part-time. I have limited options for finding new work -> please, just trust me that US immigration law is fucked up and there's only so much I can do. I refuse to return to Canada and live with my parents. My brother, who was the only good reason to go back to where I grew up, moved to the UK. I am socially isolated and I can't get any kind of grip on this depression enough to try to work on the increasingly debilitating social anxiety. It's not that I want or need a lot of people in my life, but right now I have very few people and it's not enough. I really think I'm done. There's no quick answer. I can't even take time off work because of the status of the project I'm in charge of. But if I did take time off... what the fuck do I do? I can't, at that point, seem to make myself get out of bed and I just end up lost in my head and swimming in the pain of just being. When work is less bad, it is usually a distraction. I can't live or work to my full "potential". I'm just this gigantic failure.
  8. Yeah, I also urge caution about disclosing, especially in the US where many of us are, as @notloki noted, "at will" employees. That said, if you need an accommodation or leave, you may have no choice. I would limit the extent of disclosure to what needs to be known. Right now, at work, I have a flexible schedule accommodation that allows me to see my therapist mid-day twice a week. My supervisor knows it's a medical appointment, but not what it's for. She knows I have a chronic health issue, but not the diagnosis. I managed similar level of disclosure at my last position also... until I needed ECT and took 3 months of short-term disability leave. My previous employer eventually got impatient with "constant" accommodations. I got written up when I went IP and missed 5 consecutive days of work. I followed procedure and called daily to inform I wouldn't be in, that I was in the hospital, and wasn't sure when I'd be released. When I returned, I brought a doctor's note from the hospital. However it upset them that I didn't disclose why I was in hospital (they eventually bullied it out of me). They accused me of abusing PTO, "even" for pre-approved time off. I had the basis for an EEOC lawsuit, but I didn't have the energy to pursue it. I left that company by my choice, and they were angry that I left after they'd been "so generous" to me. In a company with fewer than 25 white collar workers, no one above my direct supervisor spoke to me at all after I turned in my resignation. I work for a much bigger company now, and there's a lot less questions being asked. Supervisors are better briefed on the basic HR/ADA stuff. Also, I'm not the only one who needs minor accommodations and many of the people I work closest with I've never met face-to-face. I guess we'll see how it goes over when I need more extreme accommodations or have unplanned time off.
  9. People who've never been there may not get it... but my experience of at least some IP stays is that patients can become a sort of family. There's this sense that regardless of why we're here, we're all in it together. I imagine it was even more so for you at the state hospital, given the length of your (and presumably others') stay(s). There's also this reminder of the severity and complexity of our illnesses, when someone you know dies as a result of it. I'm so sorry, Cheese. As the ever-wise @echolocation said... lean on us. That's what we're here for. (((hugs)))
  10. I have experienced these kinds of thoughts. Like Harp, for me they're an indicator of high stress levels but that can quickly snowball. I'm glad you brought it up with your therapist. Did you discuss/do you have a safety plan (for lack of a better word)? Do you have a way to seek additional support if you find that these kinds of thoughts are overwhelming? And, critically, would you actually do it?
  11. I do okay in cars most of the time, but I prefer the front seat. I can't read, or muck with my phone while in a car. Sitting in the back seat, having recently eaten, smells (e.g. smoker's car, or a travel mate's perfume), being too hot... all a good recipe for me to call for the driver to pull over. Anxiety does play a factor too - and obviously the terrain. Lots of hills, curves, driving with high rates of acceleration and deceleration... ugh. I don't think I would be okay off-roading in a jeep either! My understanding is that longer term/multi-day use of meclizine or other anti-emetics can result in rebound nausea and dizziness upon discontinuation. So if you're going on a cruise and taking it for a week, you'll want to taper off of it. This is also true for Scopalamine, a prescription anti-emetic patch you wear behind your ear (used for motion sickness and post-operative nausea/vomiting). There are many posts on cruise forums about people getting nauseous/dizzy after taking off the scopalamine patch. I have never stopped breathing from the combination of meclizine and Xanax. 😎 I usually take 50mg meclizine and 1mg Xanax about 1h before boarding a plane (I also don't eat for 6-8 hours ahead of time, and drink only water the day of... and pack a big ziploc bag in my carry-on... this is gross, but motion-sickness bags are not necessarily leak-proof, so it's good to have something to put them in, just in case ). Ah the joys of travel!
  12. I get motion sick on airplanes (cars, buses, trains and boats too), and use meclizine pretty religiously when I fly. I have also taken it with either Xanax or Klonopin, though I'm not anxious about flying. I find meclizine ("Dramamine II") is not quite non-drowsy, as it claims to be, but it is significantly less sedating than dimenhydrinate (Original Dramamine/Gravol). It is convenient to me that it lasts longer too. Meclizine is not enough to fully prevent motion sickness/nausea/vomiting for me when I fly, but it makes a dent. If I recall correctly, dimenhydrinate is more effective as an anti-emetic, but it also needs to be taken every 4-6 hours. I don't use it when I fly because it is too sedating - I typically fly within North America on flights only 2-3 hours long, for a combination of business and pleasure, so I need to be functional and safe to drive (for example) upon landing. If your goal is sleep, I'd go for dimenhydrinate. Also talk to your pdoc about temporarily upping your Xanax dose (I see it's currently 0.5mg - I take 1mg and it does not make me sleepy, but it makes me more susceptible to sleep, if that makes sense). Fun fact: my dog was prescribed meclizine for idiopathic vertigo (don't know that it helped, but it didn't hurt either).
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