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    living better through chemistry

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  1. Vyvanse is a variant on Adderall - longer acting, same base stimulant.
  2. @Messenger99, I see you're new here - welcome to CrazyBoards. Please take some time to look around and familiarize yourself with the boards. You'll find that many people here have been struggling with MI (mental illness) for a long time and community-wide we have tried or investigated most if not all common on- and off-label treatments for most common MI. That's not to say we know everything! We're interested in each other's experiences both of MI and of various treatments, and of course information about cutting-edge research, etc. Please feel free to start posts seeking information about others' experiences, and/or sharing your own. That said, it's not generally good board etiquette to jump in and derail someone else's thread. The OP, @climber47, was not seeking advice about treatments - and in fact, they have tried many non-traditional options and shared their journey with us, which you would find if you did a search on the boards for some of the treatment options you list. Beyond that, your second response - as @dancesintherain noted - was not very helpful, given the responses you'd received to your initial query.
  3. Yes to all of the above. I’ve taken Vyvanse daily for years due to co-morbid ADHD (off currently as I try Emsam, an MAOI - not my first MAOI). I haven’t tried Tramadol but I did try Suboxone (buprenorphine), off-label. I tried TMS and had ECT 31 times over about 4-5 months. I have had ketamine shots and ketamine IV infusion. IV ketamine was a game changer, but is not affordable outside of the clinical trial through which I received it. For me, the shots had all the side effects and none of the benefits.
  4. I'm well aware that I have chronic, severe, treatment-resistant depression. That has been true for the majority of my life and the entirety of my adult life. I have no hope that any medication or treatment exists or will be found that will "cure" it. I suppose I must have some hope that there are still options that might mitigate some of the pain. That's a fluctuating value though, on a diminishing trend. I fully expect that I will die by suicide. I don't currently have intent, but that fluctuates too (hourly, at times).
  5. These are the responses that ring most true for me. It's initially a stress/anxiety response, I think, but then also a way of kicking myself for being stressed/anxious (because I should never be stressed, worried, anxious, upset. etc.). Suicidal urges are different for me, though often occur simultaneously. SH is about surviving the stress/anxiety/tension and slowing my brain down. SI is about giving up, escape, etc.
  6. I'm with HB. Many people say suicide is "selfish." I disagree. I think it is selfish to force someone you purport to care about to live in relentless, unending pain just because you would be sad they were gone. I'm not advocating suicide. I'm just not demonizing it, those who struggle with it, or those who choose it. I'm sorry you're in so much pain. I'm glad you're looking for a new pdoc, this one doesn't seem to get it. It does sound like there are still options you could try, with a pdoc who is in your corner. MAOIs can be quite effective, and the diet is really not that hard to deal with.
  7. My last place remodeled and went from cubicles to open space that everyone and their brother walked through. I'm not kidding - shop personnel, vendor reps, deliveries, sales, and the VP was so proud of the reno, he and the sales guys would walk customers through the office bragging about it. The VP had a standing desk in one corner so he could lord over his kingdom. It was very hard to concentrate. My current office is cubes, only 4 people (out of about 30) have offices with doors. It's a small space and for all that we have walls (ish), there is nothing private. Everyone hears everyone's phone calls, conversations, etc. It's actually a problem, because I have to be able to talk on the phone (to my colleagues at my company's headquarters out of state) about others in the office who get assigned to me (e.g. their supervisors, my supervisor, etc). I've ended up doing a lot of calls like those on the street in front of our building, as it's more private. I requested a headset with 2 earpieces because it makes it a little easier to hear folks on the phone/web calls than a one-sided headset. I told my supervisor I couldn't hear well enough with the single-sided headset. They were happy to switch it out for me. That said... I have also worked in places where I had an office of my own (ironically, I was an intern and a new grad at those positions, with no experience or supervisory roles). It was horrible too, for different reasons. It prevented any inadvertent socializing with my co-workers, and the isolation fed my social anxiety and depression. I've learned a lot about my work from being able to hear others work through similar problems (or other departments work through problems with stuff I've handed them, or whatever). I don't know what the goldilocks solution is. I hate the open office - but I do not want an office by myself.
  8. I try very hard to not eat lunch at my desk. I can't afford to eat out every day, and my office doesn't have a break room, so I often just sit in the lobby of my office building. If the weather's nice, I'll walk around the block after I eat. This makes a huge difference - I really notice the days I don't get away from my cube. I also try to take a 5-10 minute break at least once in the morning and once in the afternoon. For this, again, I leave my cube. I walk downstairs (4 levels from my company's suite), maybe walk one level of the parking garage (doable regardless of the weather)... again, just to get up, get moving, change of scenery and get away from my desk. Importantly, I do this alone. I get away from co-workers who might ask questions or seek me out. If I can "accidentally" leave my company cell phone at my desk, so much the better (always leave it on silent, in case it rings while I'm gone). Some days I take more breaks like these. If I can't focus, if I'm just lost in my anxieties, I try to get up. And honestly? It gets me through, but I don't have anything left by the end of the day. I tend to use Saturday to recover from the week.
  9. Harp, thanks for this suggestion! I’m not the OP, but I hadn’t thought about taking my PRN in this manner - it could make a big difference for me. I will bring this idea up with my Pdoc.
  10. I usually take excedrine migraine for OTC headache relief. If I really don't want additional caffeine, I will just take aspirin plus acetaminophen (the three together are the active ingredients in excedrine migraine). Also drink a large glass of water. Note that excedrin migraine has 250mg each of aspirin and acetaminophen, and 65mg caffeine. The bottle says don't take more than 2 pills per day - that's likely because of the caffeine dose, as it is safe (for adults) to take up to 4000mg of aspirin or acetaminophen daily. Note: aspirin is an NSAID, same class as ibuprofen and naproxen sodium. Don't take more than one NSAID at a time. I sometimes find a heat wrap on my shoulders helps, or a cool compress on my head (not ice). For really bad headaches - tension or migraine - I always retreat to a dark cool room after water & meds. No backlit screens!
  11. I take 1mg Xanax as a PRN on a very occasional basis. I generally find I notice effects within 10-15 minutes. I'm never sure if it's the med though or if it's that stuff like deep breathing is making a difference. My pdoc says the xanax lets me get to the breathing.
  12. To be fair to ECT, which gets a bad rap, the worst memory issues I experienced were just around and during the time I was receiving treatment. Those few months are pretty blurry even today (3 years out). I'm told that when I was getting treatments 2-3 times/week my friends didn't trust me to live on my own (which I wasn't anyway - planned to stay with them during that period, if I wasn't IP). But I didn't forget autobiographical data. I didn't forget academic information - stuff I learned in school a few years before, or while on the job. I forgot everyday stuff, like if I ate lunch or that I saw that movie. Once I stopped receiving treatment so frequently, and so strong, I did fine on my own - I worked 4 days/week for 12 weeks while receiving maintenance treatments on Fridays. During that time I lived alone, did no worse than usual in my job as an engineer, etc. There are some things that I still don't remember. They're primarily details that are infrequently accessed - stuff like where to park when visiting my brother, or where my parents keep (random kitchen thing) these days. This is easy to brush off - annoying, but manageable.
  13. Seconding @Hopelessly Broken that this could be dissociative symptoms. I seem to have this happen when my depression is more severe, maybe? It's fairly new for me. My Pdoc was concerned when I first reported it, and now routinely checks-in about how often it happens. Not that she's done much with it beyond observing it, but still. Edited after seeing your reply: My memory is horrible - ECT made it worse, but my pdoc is pretty clear with me that it was bad even before that. Very common with severe depression.
  14. Since depression doesn't appear to fit... have you done the really basic stuff? I'm talking about "sleep hygiene". Set up a strict bedtime routine, same bedtime every day of the week, alarms at the same time every day of the week. Cut back on screentime before bed. It's simple, and I know it can seem almost patronizing... but it really can be very effective. And when you're not sure of what is the cause of sleep issues, using it levels the playing field for other experiments. The other thing to consider is shifting your evening clozapine dose earlier in the day. Instead of right before bed (when many of us take evening meds), try taking it an hour before you plan to go to bed. If that helps but not enough, you can try bumping it back even further. Currently I take IR Seroquel for sleep. I find it takes 45-90 minutes to really "kick-in." I start work early and need 9hrs of sleep, optimally, so I usually take the Seroquel between 7.15 and 7.30pm, with the aim to be sleeping by 9pm at the latest.
  15. My experience is that front-loaders are more water-efficient than top-loaders. Since the clothing is continually shifted into the water it can use less. With any washing machine, leave the door/lid open when not in use so that any moisture can evaporate. It is worth it to wipe down the inside of the rubber seal on a front loader after you finish using it. In the past I've just kept a rag nearby. My washing machine (provided by my landlord) is an Amana top-loader with a center agitator. It does claim to be high efficiency. It has switches for load size (small, medium or large) and water temp. There's a few different types of cycle. Delicates, Normal, Casual... something else. I looked up the manual and it turns out the spin speeds are higher for normal than casual, and there's more agitation for normal cycles. I've found that for my needs the casual cycle is sufficient and it has less wear and tear on my clothing. If I were washing sports gear, really dirty work clothes or badly children's clothing I'd probably use Normal. The casual cycle is longer than Normal, and both are longer than it takes a load to dry (I use low heat automatic dry in the drier). I can't speak to water usage though, because I don't pay the water bill. I wonder if there's a sensor that's not reading correctly, and that's why the auto-sense is not giving you the right water level? Very weird. FYI, most if not all liquid laundry soap is HE compatible these days. That means it is low-sudsing. You can use HE detergent in a non-HE machine, but not the other way around. High-efficiency machines use significantly more agitation and much higher spin speeds than older machines in order to use less water than before. That means that it is really important to have low-sudsing soap. I use Tide Free & Clear laundry soap and there is no non-HE formula. Same for All and Seventh Generation when I was looking at them recently. I also generally use 1/2 the recommended amount of soap, which lets me stretch the bottle further (and is why I don't use pods).
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