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About Geek

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    living better through chemistry

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  1. Early 30s here. Never been in a relationship. I want to be - desperately, sometimes. But depression, social anxiety, and almost non-existent self esteem get in the way. I can't even figure out how to do face-to-face friendships, so... No advice. Just commiseration.
  2. I've been taking gabapentin for anxiety for a little while. I titrated up to 600mg 2x/day (breakfast & lunch), and 1200mg when I get home from work in the evenings. The effect, for me, is subtle. But I do have less overwhelming anxiety on a daily basis and I have an easier time settling down for sleep at night. Less dread about the upcoming day.
  3. Cheese - what if they can help? What if they can get the messages from the universe to tone down? Or confirm to husband how bad is bad? Worried about you. Phones suck, I totally agree. But it sounds like you're in a lot of pain and overwhelmed and maybe you can try to pull together just a few seconds of being really brave to initiate the phone call that might help change things.
  4. jarn, it sounds like for all that he's conservative, your new pdoc is responsive and that's good. I'm really glad you have Toby, too. Happy thanksgiving. Keep us updated.
  5. It is my opinion that the French line is what really makes the joke... I mean, it's funny without it, but with it, it's true.
  6. My experience is different. I take stims for ADHD. I have been taking stims for over ten years, and, after finding an adequate dose, the only reason I've changed doses was because of other changes to my med cocktail (stop Vyvanse to take MAOI, for example). I have not had much tolerance build-up at all with true stims like Vyvanse or Ritalin (Strattera was different). Additionally - I do not do med holidays. I want to be able to focus in the evenings, on weekends and on holidays - not just when I'm at work. It makes such a difference to my mood to be able to focus. I've never understood not giving these meds every day. I may find the ADHD more disruptive than some people, I suppose. I want to say that I've heard that my experience of limited or no tolerance effect is consistent with an accurate ADHD diagnosis - that the way it effects those with ADHD is much different than other people, and tolerance is not an issue (or is less of an issue). I don't have a source on that though, so take it with a handful of salt.
  7. Definitely stimulating, but not in a way that helped my ADHD. It just confirmed my need for a sleep aid (and increased dose of that). At 300mg, I started getting daily headaches bordering on migraines. I only managed that for about a week.
  8. I had no friends in public school. There were a few people I met online, in a place similar to CB... but we grew apart when it came time to go to university. They went to private liberal arts schools. I was overcome by depression and isolated myself. I went to a small state school and got an engineering degree. I had some friends at university - a couple of guys I would meet with to do homework, primarily. Not people I was very close with though, and I don't know where they're at now. I'm a mechanical engineer, and a project engineer. I run the mechanical design and engineering portion of a project, and provide technical/field support during the manufacturing, construction and commissioning phases. I could never be a project manager... but I do a lot for them. In many ways I am the right arm for them - they do higher level coordination, but I get involved in solving the everyday problems. The project I'm assigned to is actually under construction in my city, which is highly unusual - my company has projects all over North America and Europe. It's just coincidence, really, that this project is in my city - though it is why it was assigned to someone from my office. As a result of its proximity (about 20 min drive from the office) I am expected to have greater than usual contact with the field. I have been instructed to schedule visits every other week, for 2-4 hours at a shot. The PM is not out of my office/city, so I will be doing more of their job simply due to proximity. In my field (or the industry in which I work), individual contributors do no design work. They simply do drafting - they create installation drawings from 3D models created by my team. It is very dull - no critical thinking required and highly detail oriented. I find it torturous to do. I do take stims. I have ADHD and the stims make a big difference in my ability to focus. Unfortunately, the Emsam I'm currently taking interacts with Vyvanse. My pdoc is letting me try some anyway - 20mg dose right now. Enough that I don't get much sleep... but not enough to help my focus. I am scared to leave my current city. At least here I have a few people I know. My chosen family, my tdoc and my pdoc. If I leave here - whether to return to Canada, or out to the UK where my brother is... I have nobody, or almost nobody. My brother is not living in a big city, and I doubt I could get work where he lives. He commutes hours each day to the big city where he works (managing software developers). I cannot live or even temporarily stay with my brother - I am very allergic to cats, and they have 3. I'm just... trapped. I don't know how to stop and be okay. I'm not sure it's possible. I want to ask my pdoc to dope me up so I stop caring. Load me up on seroquel, zyprexa... haldol... I'd rather be a zombie than this.
  9. I didn't qualify either - too high functioning, apparently. My doctors and medical history must be lying about my MI...
  10. I have no friends in Canada (barring a couple of CB-ers I've met once). I was a loser in high school (and middle school, and elementary school). I know nobody who is not connected to my parents. My brother and his fiancee were it, and he moved to the UK two months ago (she moved a year ago for school). I have nowhere to go except my parent's or a shelter. I have never worked in Canada except as a minor. I don't know if I would qualify for disability benefits it's possible I would, because of agreements between Canada and the US, but even if I did... as we all know, those are never much. I do know that it would be 90 days after moving back before I would qualify for public health care. I know wait lists for psychiatrists are 1 year or more. I know therapy is not covered in the public system. At the moment, amazingly, no one is upset with the quality of my work. But the stress, the pressure, the expectations... I nearly cried at work yesterday in front of multiple people (only one of whom is my supervisor, and I was not being scolded or berated or anything). No matter how hard I try, I can't get out of there after only 8 hours. It was a full hour later today than I said I'd stay from the moment I walked in. I manage less experienced engineers in order to run projects. Doing their job I would be bored out of my mind. Doing my job, the pressure is too great. I don't know how to find an in-between. I have been at this company for 14 months. I was told this would be better than my last place, I was told that they don't want us working OT. When I have a project assigned, it's been very unusual to not work OT. On the plus side, they do pay me (straight time) for the hours, despite my being salaried. It's not worth it though. Outside of work, I am no better. Just as depressed. Just as fucked up. I can't (or won't?) properly care for myself, my apartment or my dog. I stare at the wall, or I sleep. When I think about work, I panic and meltdown. Everything else just... I disengage. I saw my pdoc at lunch today. She either doesn't believe me or doesn't know what to do. She doesn't seem worried. I wasn't doing very well at answering her questions. Sat there staring at the floor or the wall as I try to tell her that I can't keep going. That the long weekend was horrible, that work costs me more energy than I have. That I can't keep this up. She asked if I had self-harmed in the last week, and if it helped. I said that at least I could breathe afterward. She just nodded. I called my tdoc one night this week. I'm supposed to practice good self care and have compassion for myself. She said in my session on Tuesday that maybe the reason meds don't help much is because my depression is less chemical than "intra-psychic". Doesn't that mean that it's my fault then? If I were trying hard enough, doing the right things, it would be... better. Tolerable, perhaps. I am weak for not making myself... function more. I can't have compassion for myself. I know she disagrees, and I know she would point out that I have compassion for people of all life situations. But it's different when it's me. And now it's another weekend. Not a long one, for better or worse. But still two days of no people, no distractions, no nothing. And then it will be back to work. How do you keep going? Or, why bother keeping going? I'm sorry for the essay. I'm sorry for wasting your time and attention and everything. I'm a selfish, attention-seeking prick.
  11. I had a horrible day at work. It was bad and yet, it was par for the course. I can't do my job. I can't handle the pressure. I'm such a failure and a fuckup. Due to <<reasons>> I cannot get disability in the US, where I currently live. I cannot work part-time. I have limited options for finding new work -> please, just trust me that US immigration law is fucked up and there's only so much I can do. I refuse to return to Canada and live with my parents. My brother, who was the only good reason to go back to where I grew up, moved to the UK. I am socially isolated and I can't get any kind of grip on this depression enough to try to work on the increasingly debilitating social anxiety. It's not that I want or need a lot of people in my life, but right now I have very few people and it's not enough. I really think I'm done. There's no quick answer. I can't even take time off work because of the status of the project I'm in charge of. But if I did take time off... what the fuck do I do? I can't, at that point, seem to make myself get out of bed and I just end up lost in my head and swimming in the pain of just being. When work is less bad, it is usually a distraction. I can't live or work to my full "potential". I'm just this gigantic failure.
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