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T. L. Horse

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    Altadena CA, USA
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  1. Hi shitloadoftroubles: You've made it pretty clear who you are and aren't attracted to. In the past you haven't fully accepted your sexual orientation because the world makes it difficult for you to, but it sounds like you're ready to now. When you say why would you want to do something that you're grossed out by? We don't say to a straight women that she should sleep with another woman to make certain she isn't gay. Take one step at a time. You don't have to come out to your friends and family right now and you don't need to deal with gender identity issues at the moment either. In the short term your goal probably should be coming out to yourself. The only exception I might make is your brother. If you're think he'll support you he could become an important ally if you come out to him. You might want to check out the LGBT presence at any college you're thinking of attending. A strong LGBT community will be immeasurably helpful in your journey. Plus it's a great place to meet women. As for flirting, I'm a relentless flirt with lesbians, straight women and straight guys that can tolerate double entendres from another guy. A little bit of flirting can go a long if you're trying to figure out if somebody is gay. I hope some of this helps, T. L.
  2. Thanks again for the great advice Wooster. It's in the garage and I'm afraid to touch it. I've had fantasies about using it (the details of which everybody here knows about) and I'm afraid that if I touch it it will be too evocative of past experiences for me to stop myself. I'd like to get my partner (who's supportive in most things) to throw it out at work but he doesn't understand the problem so it's too difficult for me to ask him. I could get my sister to throw it out but I'm too ashamed to ask. Yeah, I know I shouldn't be ashamed but I am. I can be strong but it's really tempting. T. L.
  3. I haven't cut myself in 35 years but something in my personal life has caused me to think about it intensely over the last few days. Saturday and Sunday were incredibly difficult to get through but I managed to get through them uncut. I've thought about cutting yesterday and today but it hasn't been too hard to avoid it. Trash pickup is tomorrow and I keep telling myself that I need to throw my tool in the trash before they come but somehow that never seems to happen. Somewhere inside me I know I've decided to keep my options open. T. L.
  4. I work for a nonprofit organization that among other things provides low cost psychotherapy to families, couples, adults and adolescents within the LGBT community. Everyone is welcome and a significant portion of our clients are straight. Fees are generally $20 - $50 per session depending on a client's ability to pay although I often see kids for free. A large number of the girls as well as a few of the boys I see cut. Unfortunately that's understandable since it's still not easy to be a LGBT kid these days. I assume I've told you more than you want to know but if there's anything else please feel free to ask me here or contact me directly. T. L.
  5. T. L. Horse


  6. I provide therapeutic services for gay and lesbian adolescences and I tell them the same thing although I use the word "need." If they need to do it they're going to do it and shaming them isn't going to help. Besides that we've put the subject on the table for discussion and that allows me to get them used to talking about it like anything else. It's also allows me to check in with them about cutting each time I see them so I can gauge their general mood. Remember that cutting can prevent adolescents, with their intense emotions, from doing much worse. T. L.
  7. I think that's not helpful. I think realistically you'll probably struggle with it for the rest of your life but I don't believe that you are damned to life of self hurt. Think of how strong you are. Remind yourself that you're a survivor. Please don't give up hope. The point of staying here is that you're alive and you have hope despite what some quack may say. Therapists are here to give people hope, not take it away. Another way of looking at it was that he was too weak to be supportive. Naming your feelings is key to overcoming self harm or any other self destructive behavior and that's part of a good therapist's job. T.L.
  8. I appreciate that. It's a strange and terrible urge, isn't it? I managed to get through last night without doing anything and the urge is pretty mild today so it won't be a problem tonight. I have this fantasy that this is a one time event but realistically I feel like I need to be vigilant for the foreseeable future. I'm going to throw out the thing I use to cut because I'm pretty certain it's the only thing I'll use. I notice that I said "going to" not "have". I'm not certain why I haven't gotten rid of it already but I have this feeling that I want to keep my options open. That's a good question. One of the things that kept me from doing anything last night was the knowledge that there was no place on my body that I could cut where he wouldn't see it. That's not a very good reason. It would have been so much better to say "I want (a better word is probably 'need') to hurt myself" to him but there is so much shame and disgust around self harm that so many of us can't talk, hear or even think about it. Why the shame and disgust surrounding self harm? Do people think we want to do this? People do things for a reason. The reason all of us do this is because of pain, pain that pushes us toward a place we have been before and desperately don't want to return to. The consolation we can take from self harm is that we are not alone, there are people who understand and support us, and there are much more terrible things we could do to ourselves. T. L.
  9. I'm a 54 y.o. guy. I used to cut myself when I was a teenager but I haven't done it since I was 17. I've been thinking about cutting myself in the last couple of days. Advantages of cutting: It will probably feel good for a moment. Disadvantages of cutting: My partner will probably catch me but more importantly in the longer run it doesn't solve any problems, just adds to the burden. Once I told him I used to cut when I was a teenager and he completely freaked out. Fortunately he was drunk at the time and I'm pretty certain he doesn't remember what I said. Obviously he isn't going to be a source of support. I'm going through a difficult time right now but I've been through plenty of difficult times as an adult and it never occurred to me to cut before now. I have a guess as to why it's happening this time but I'm not certain. Please don't tell me not to cut. I'm either going to do it or I'm not even though I know no good will come of it. I don't even know why I'm posting this. Maybe just to be heard? T. L.
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