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About saintalto

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    The Black Rabbit of Inlé

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  • Interests
    painting, medical history

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  1. This illness feels so terribly beautiful sometimes. I feel as though all my pain was worthwhile if just for these moments. 

    1. Wonderful.Cheese


      I hope you are having lots of good moments. You deserve them. Treasure them. Those of us with MI certainly do appreciate the good moments more than the average Joe I think generally. 

  2. When you are spinning around in circles in a cemetery at 2am channeling God.
  3. I have been on meds since I was a teenager so it's been so long that I can't remember what my personality was like before I started them. Sometimes a med will make me flatter than I'd like or more anxious, but my core personality is sort of lost to me.
  4. My delusions tend to take on different forms in different episodes. Went through a long period of thinking I was St. Francis, then it was all about sentient atoms sending me messages to paint and write things, and then about North Korea being after me for some reason, and recently it was more about everyone being in on some plot to kill me in terrible ways (of which I only had the option of killing myself painlessly before they killed me). Maybe it's good in some terrible way that your delusion is familiar because you can recognize it for what it is when it comes back.
  5. I have SZA too, and I said earlier that hypomania didn’t have psychosis but now I’m not so sure. I can get psychosis symptoms when I have no mood symptoms at all... I really don’t know now that I think about it. Any psychosis symptoms are bad news though.
  6. Sensing entities is more than hypomania. Hypomania doesn’t involve psychosis as far as I know. I’d be talking to your doctor about this, print it out if you need to remember.
  7. When I’m more symptomatic my memory suffers but when I was on seroquel it made things much worse. I used to carry around a small notepad with me everywhere where I’d have a page for each day listing what I needed to do and I’d just make reminders on it whenever something important came into my head because it sort of became my short term memory. That and a day planner to put appointments into. I had to use a paper one because I was too avoidant of the one on my phone.
  8. A doctor told me that with each subsequent relapse it becomes less likely you will fully recover. It’s one of the bigger differences between bipolar and schizoaffective. So be careful and do all you can to prevent a relapse.
  9. I went through a period where I thought I was the reincarnation of St. Francis and that I had a direct connection to god. It felt very special at the time but I know now it was a delusion. Delusions often take on a religious nature.
  10. @Juniper29 Mentally I’m improving. I just am hoping it’s not a repeat of my short string of improved days on 150mg of Wellbutrin that ended quite abruptly. Thanks for asking.
  11. I usually listen only to baroque or medieval music but there’s this one album I listen to when I’m manic or psychotic (or both) that is just so bizarre it totally speaks to my head when I’m in that place: Showtunes by Stephen Merritt. If you listen to the words underneath the cheer of the music it would probably put even the most tortured, twisted lyrics of any band ever to shame. And it’s eniterely about fairytales and love. So there you go.
  12. Nowadays I spend most my time symptomatic enough I can’t work or do much, but not sick enough so to require hospitalisation. If I keep it low stress I can function day to day. I get a few months here or there where I am near symptom free sometimes, usually after a medication change. When I was younger I had proper remissions where I could go longer periods without serious symptoms. The most recent longish remission I had was 6 months and that was in 2014. I think things have gotten worse for me as I’ve gotten older. Remissions are shorter and fewer, relapses are longer and more serious, and my day to day life is very limited.
  13. It’s happening tonight at 6. Poor Loaf took a turn for the worse today. 

    1. Show previous comments  5 more
    2. aura


      I'm so sorry this is happening. You're doing the right thing.

    3. Wonderful.Cheese


      I'm so sorry. You'll be in my thoughts. 

    4. saintalto


      Thank you for all your lovely words. 

  14. There is a reason we are secretive. I can understand telling a potential partner about it because I need to know if that relationship is ever going to be anything or if the person is going to bolt. But I have had very damaging experiences being very open about my mental health. At first I really was and it bit me in the ass. I found that family wasn’t particularly supportive. I found that friends I valued ran the other way, and I found that coworkers started distancing themselves from me. At University I found that even in graduate school, I faced poor treatment from my professors. I was told no one wanted to know I was ill or how it affected my work when I asked to write about its Influence. This is not on us.
  15. I guess I just didn’t want to grow emotionally attached to someone who could very well reject me. I wanted it all out there at the start so I knew for certain whether the relationship would have a future or not. We’ve been married 12 years now.
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