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  1. So long story short, stupidity and none other led me to this dark place. It seems my life has been bouncing from depressive symptoms to numbness the last few months. I'm sick of it. The last few weeks I have been craving the high. Like a vampire who hasn't fed in ages... I need it! Last week I began cutting my meds to a more activating dose, but haven't really noticed much of a reaction... until last night. Out of boredom I took a few extra sleeping pills then texted everyone I know who might know where I can get drugs (nothing toooooo bad: add meds (you know, above the therapeutic dose), speed. I need to FLY!!! I'm irritable now due to my dumbassary. Don't know why I shared this. But here it is. Fuck. Ugh!
  2. Thanks for your concern Cheese. I dumped the rest of the shit I was taking and just put in a request to see my pdoc sooner than my next scheduled appointment (which isn't until 11/9). My dog laid with me the rest of the night last night and most of today. I think he knew something was/is wrong. I do love him so much. I guess now I'll throw myself back into exercise and studying until I hear back from the doctor's office. I just wish every time life seemed to be working out my mind didn't sabotage my efforts like that. I mean, it was just one slip up -- but like you said, a dangerous one. *sigh* I can only hope Dr. Feelgood gets back to me sooner rather than later.
  3. I'm struggling tonight/this morning. Ate all my sleeping pills, found a bottle of Vicodin, now I'm drinking. Kind of crying....NEEDING to cry... sad that all I have to show for my life is my dog, whom I love more than myself or anything in my life...but when he leaves me, as all dogs go to heaven, and whatnot... what then? I have no (as I ZERO) friends with the exception of old acquaintances on Facebook, but we all know that doesn't count... uuhhhhggghhh… life sucks and so do I. Can I just sleep for the rest of the year? Please!
  4. Never mind. I had a question, but figured it out. Now I just don't know how to delete this thing...
  5. I start school today! ?? After a very, very long break from any kind of actual schooling, I am going back to school this morning. My first class starts at 11:45, the second not until 5:00 pm. It's not like actual college or anything, I am just taking two foundational classes through the local continuing education center. If all goes well in these classes, and if I can get my immunization situation squared away sooner rather than later, hopefully I will make it into a nurse's assistant certificate program sometime early next year. I hope to take that path toward helping people like us, aiming to become a behavioral health aide in the future, and who knows where from there. Right now though I am focusing on these first two prerequisite classes. I never thought I'd go back to school for anything -- ever. I always just figured I'd either be too crazy or too numb to go back. But four "short" years after starting treatment, after my meds made me lethargic and fat, my meds have loosened their death grip on me (side effect wise) and I am headed back to school with an actual plan. On top of that I have been exercising lately! I took an introduction to Muay Thai class at a local JC over the summer and it was so fun, and so effective at weight control (I lost 12 pounds in 8 weeks!), I am going to be continuing with classes at a local gym I found that I can actually afford. Now the only question is, will I finish school? Will I continue to be semi-successful in life -- or will it all come crashing down? In the past I've been quite susceptible to mood swings triggered by major life changes. Of course, I have never really made any potentially life changing moves while in treatment. I don't know if my meds will hold up, or crap out and send me spiraling out of control or what. I guess we'll see...
  6. I was there recently. Just before the 4th of July I got shitfaced on Hennessey -- which I never used to drink because Hennessey always kicks my ass, but after the beer was gone, it's all we had. I totally get the post drinking depression and the anxiety of trying to sleep it off... but then I also can't tolerate myself being awake either. It's a real shitty situation either way. Have you tried any kind of sleep aid, ya know, just to get that much needed rest? This is good advice. Start there. Also try some exercise. I was in a crap mood for a few days after that night, but that Tuesday I dragged myself to this PE class I'm taking and sweating it out really helped. Probably because exercise helps boost your mood by making you feel good about yourself just for putting in the effort. It doesn't have to be strenuous exercise; maybe a long walk, or jog or even just some jumping jacks or whatever. Just something to make you feel like you're making an active attempt to take care of yourself, if even just mentally and not really physically. Use your body to trick your mind. Hope everything clears up soon!
  7. You know you're bipolar when... ... you're convinced that if you sleep you will die. ... you stay up all night writing predictions of the future because you are the next Nostradamus. ... you lie down in your bed contemplating just how to end your failure of a life and an hour and a half later you wake up with the superhuman motivation to to write a book that's going to change everything. ... you don't get out of bed except to eat up everything in the kitchen. ... some days you think about sex about 300 times per second.
  8. Hey, all, what's up? I just have a quick inquiry about Citalopram. Been on and off and on again over the last four years or so. It has helped me tremendously with depression and social anxiety. While back I took a very short break. Been back on citalopram almost about a year now at 20mg, despite having wanted to go back up to 40 earlier. Well, now we're going back up on the 40mg. I'm hoping it will help like it used to... but my concern is manic traits. Does anybody here know if Citalopram can cause hypo or manic symptoms with a dose increase? I didn't think citalopram was one of those ADs, but I don't remember. Thank you! ~~xmo~~
  9. I am suddenly overcome with sadness which has no known cause. I simply want to cry - but for no reason.

  10. I get that. About eight years ago or so I spent so much time just writing my predictions of the future on my old computer (long before it died). I justified it by telling myself these predictions were based on patterns I had observed in the past and present but, seriously, who was I kidding? Inside I felt I was destined to be the next Nostradamus for the modern day. Other than that, I don't rend to think I have super powers. At least, not that I can remember. I just think I have super creativity or whatever.
  11. I went to see my nephew's school Christmas play. He's in JK. 4 y/o. He was a reindeer. (Well, yesterday. Today is barely starting.)
  12. I finished making my grandma's Christmas present. I bought a family photo collage frame and put some old family pictures in it. The pictures were taken 2 years ago and she never got them. So I managed to get them from my cousin and put them in the collage. I also bought the ingredients for mimosas for a surprise "champagne brunch" my sister and I are gonna throw our parents on Christmas. Since we're doing the big, extended family thing Christmas eve, Christmas morning we're gonna have them relax and drink mimosas while eating food my sister brings. Okay, so technically that was yesterday, but given it's just about 3:45am and today hasn't technically really started yet, I haven't accomplished much yet today.
  13. Exhausted. I've been pulling triple/quadruple duty with my grandparents the last few days and I am just fucking drained. Back again tomorrow... and the next day... and the next... but it's okay. I'm not bitter or anything, just incredibly tired.
  14. So on Wednesday my grandpa was taken to the hospital for some pain in his ribs and side. Thursday the doctors suggested he might have a kind of cancer. Just yesterday (Friday) it was revealed to be stage 4 lung cancer (already spread to the liver and bones and spine). Could be months, could be weeks. The doctors didn't give specifics, just suggested we begin home hospice care ASAP. For the last 10 years I have acted as a helper monkey for my grandparents. As a result I have spent more time with my grandparents over the last 10 years than most of my family members -- even my cousins who briefly lived with them -- and chances are I will be the one spending the most time with them during this time. I'm not sure what to expect from myself during this time. I have a tendency to think too much and empathize too much sometimes. When we were in the meeting with the doctors yesterday I kept looking at my grandpa and couldn't help but wonder what was going on in his head. We don't think he fully comprehends the gravity of the situation because he was acting normal the whole time the doctors were trying to explain what is going on. I don't really know how to handle death very well. When my other grandpa died in 2013, I didn't really react in the way I would think I will this time. My other grandpa lived in Texas and I in California. I didn't see him as much as I wish I had been able to and thus the grief and sadness from that was more out of regret of not having spent as much time with him as I would have liked. This time, however, it is different. As I said, I am closer to my grandparents than much of my other family members (siblings, cousins, etc.). I am trying to prepare myself, but I'm really not sure how to do that -- or if I even can. I've never seen somebody die, but I have a feeling that I might. Like I said, I'm their helper monkey so I am over there a lot as it is and I will likely be there even more now to help him through the last few weeks/months when the caregivers and hospice workers aren't there and to help my grandma around the house. It took so much to hold back my tears yesterday when we were meeting with the doctors as it was (as helper monkey, I was the cousins' representative at this meeting with my mom and her siblings and my grandma); what is going to happen when the time actually comes -- or even before then, when he is further wasting away and in pain? I guess what I am saying is I'm afraid this is going to break me a bit. I'm not really sure why I am posting here other than to express my thoughts and concerns. I really don't know how you guys will be able to help with this. Maybe I'm just looking for some advice or support from people who have been in similar situations with friends or family members or something. I don't really know. I'm sorry for wasting a whole new topic on this, I just don't know what else to do and I figured this would be a better place to write about it than in a blog or whatever... I don't know. I'm not exactly all there in the head right now because of all of this. I mean, my grandpa is in his late 80s. I knew he was gonna go sometime in the next few years and I had accepted that -- intellectually... it's just this is not the way we thought it would happen. This isn't how anyone would want their loved ones to go. He's in enough pain from aging as it is. I can only imagine -- and will no doubt see first hand -- how much pain the cancer will add to the remaining time he has, and it brings me down just thinking about it. I don't want to dwell on the negative, but the only positive I have coming out of all this is that, unlike my dad's dad, I was able to spend a lot of time with my mom's dad over the last decade. Yet, at the same time... this is also what is driving my sorrow. It's almost as if I spent too much time with him over the last 10 years that being so close to him is what is going to tear me apart. Is that a thing? Anyway, sorry this post is so long. And sorry if it might seem like I'm just rambling or if it doesn't make any sense or whatever. I'm just trying to make sense of all this and how I am feeling as a result of it. Thanks for reading. And thanks in advance for any... support or advice or whatever any of you may be able to offer, if anything.
  15. xmo

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