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Misfit Love

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About Misfit Love

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    Just your average, everyday enigma

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  1. Over the years, I've become very misanthropic. I can't stand small talk, people sitting next to me, people asking pointless questions, hearing others' answers to dumb questions (ex. on a snowy, 20 something degree day in January: coworker 1: "Is it cold out?" coworker 2: "I don't know. I will tell you when I get back inside.") I think it's also something to do with lack of novelty, working in the same place, at the same desk for over 6 years. It is beyond monotonous. I've recently veered from simple social phobia headlong into full-blown paranoia. I can't trust a single person anymore about anything, and that's pretty much ruined my view of society. Being an introvert in America makes everything so much worse. That I've been treated as a pariah my entire life for being quiet and sensitive - it just kills me. It's not right!
  2. Titania, thanks for the great advice. A few things: I've been at this particular job just over 6 years; I've been a legal secretary for 10. I would need to go to grad school in order to switch fields completely. I have a BA in English with a film concentration. Since 2009, I've taken coursework in the health sciences. I want to be a medical writer or editor. Currently, I am a health and fitness editor at a disabilities magazine. It's a great experience to have, but it doesn't pay because the publication is so new. Still, I'm gaining the experience here that I could never get typing out letters for a lawyer day in and day out. I also recently completed a graduate certificate in health policy since I'm also a health advocate. A major reason I stay at this job is because I'm too sick not to work. I have an autoimmune condition that requires me to take four different medications and see three different doctors. I've had to put my mental health care on the backburner due to financial issues. I was supposed to apply to graduate school for a combination MSW/MPH (social work and public health dual degree) but had to but that on hold because my old landlady made me move by the end of January so her daughter could have my apartment. I was under too much stress to finish my final health policy project and paper, look for apartments, do all the Christmas stuff, and work a full time job. Add to that I get periodic flare-ups of my autoimmune disease (Sjogren's syndrome) if I'm too stressed. My second reason for not leaving is pure and simple fear. I've done such a horrible job here that I don't want to use anyone here as a reference. They would all be bad. My professors and volunteer coordinators, though, really like me. I feel much more comfortable in academia. I also used to tutor and love that. Since realizing I would probably hate interacting w/ people constantly and might face issues when it came to licensing (not interested in disclosing my bipolar on the uber-strict, uncaring licensing board applications), I decided against going for my MSW. Now I'd like to go for my Master's in Public Health focusing on health communications. And I want to go to a big name program so that I would be able to make the right connections to fulfill my personal goals. I'd specifically like to focus on anti-stigma campaigns. I wish so much that I could disclose to the world about my bipolar but I know I can't. I dream of writing about it, anonymously. I dream of somehow influencing just enough people so that people with mental illness can feel safe in their workplaces - in life. I long to give a voice to those who are terrified to say anything. And so, THAT is why I hate being a secretary. I live with my unemployed boyfriend of a year and a half. He repairs computers but didn't finish his Associate's degree and cannot get a job for the life of him, even though he's a damned excellent computer technician. Entirely self-taught, too. I can't quit my job until he starts pulling in about as much as I do. But we also plan to move somewhere a lot cheaper than where we live now. We also want to start a fragrance company, which is how I planned to make some money before and during graduate school. But again with the move, those plans got put on hold.
  3. Wildradishes, I hate the work, too - so perhaps that's why my coworkers are like this with me. But I also know for a fact that most of it hate it as well, they only can tolerate it much better than I can. What I really think they hate is that I don't talk to them. Honestly, I can't relate to them. I've tried for over 6 years to do so. I'm just wired differently. Anyway, I'll look into underearners anonymous. My mom always encouraged me to be an artist when I was younger and thought I would do something creative with my life. Now I feel like I've failed her and myself by trapping myself in purgatory. In terms of the bipolar, I know I need some kind of work that is personally fulfilling that will not make me feel dead inside every time I come in. There is also a strong undercurrent of "this stuff isn't life and death, so why am I here?" running on repeat through my mind. Which is why I make the world's worst secretary. I'm also very, very disorganized. If my boss ever saw how I keep my bedroom (I'm a paper hoarder) he would fire me in an instant. Then again, I've often wondered if I have Asperger's because I have terrible social skills, high sensitivity, and most of the other traits they say female aspies have. I've never seemed to fit in anywhere. I mistakenly thought being an adult meant this problem would go away.
  4. Bpladybug, I failed to mention that this is my third law firm. I've worked at a small one, a large, international corporate firm (that sucked my soul out like nothing else), and currently, a midsized firm. I've come to the conclusion that I'm not cut out to work in a law firm, or an office for that matter.
  5. I am wondering what everyone does for a living, and in particular if anyone else feels they aren't a good fit for their job. I'm have been a legal secretary for 10 years, and office grunt work is pretty much the only thing I have done. I don't consider this a career. It's demeaning, doesn't use any of my real talents, and it brings me attention for all the wrong reasons. To say I don't fit in is an understatement. I haven't figured out what I really wanted to do (or I did and some health issue got in the way, i.e., nursing). I work with attorneys who treat me like I'm an idiot. My coworkers hate me. When I started this job 6 years ago, my moods were cycling out control and my relationship with my ex was going down the toilet. Low self-esteem made me quiet (some called me "stupid" because of it), but mostly people here like to pry into others' lives and I was not willing to take down my walls. I would say hello to people several times, only to have them ignore me. Now the general consensus is that I"m rude and a bitch, a snob, conceited, etc. If anything, I've mostly felt the opposite. People have made rude remarks to me, act strange around me, snub me... I get gossiped about constantly (one guy changed the words to a song to make it sound like he wished I was dead)I can't until I can go to graduate school so I can quit. The whispering has driven my paranoia to crazy levels. On top of that, I have executive functioning problems, such as poor working memory (tested in the 1st percentile...so it's very bad), poor attention span, etc. I'm overly sensitive to noise, as well. So sensitive, I need to put in earplugs do drown out everyday sounds. I have to take bathroom breaks just to calm myself down. Can anyone relate?
  6. Hey Deathinjune. I wish I knew where my baseline was, too! I can relate to a lot of what you have going on in your life. I'm the baby of the family so I always felt "repressed," especially by my mom. I came from a household where the only real emotion anyone expressed was anger, frustration, etc. usually in relation to lack of funds. My father was always, always moody and so is much of his side of the family, but even seeking help for a mental health issue just was not done. Very old-fashioned household, which didn't sit well with liberal curiosity. For me, it all started with a solid depression diagnosed on my 21st bday! :-( . I was prescribed the same anti-depressant as anyone else in my college who saw the P-doc, evil Effexor. Having no idea I could ever be bipolar, I eagerly ate these magic pills like candy. But not long after, my life took a nosedive. It was my senior year. During the fall semester I did nothing but isolate myself, and I had to give up more than one leadership position (hard for me to get in the first place, since I'm extremely introverted). I was always late to class. Then in the following semester, I became a fulltime rage-aholic bitch. Over the next year, I would return to just plain depressed. I would say each "cycle" lasted 4-5 months. Over time, with continued anti-depressant use (switched to Lexapro at some point), everything started to unravel. I started cutting, so I immediately thought I had borderline personality disorder. My cycles got shorter and shorter until my moods were switching hourly, or by the minute until I landed in the hospital after an intentional overdose. Was placed on a combination of Lamictal and Wellbutrin and felt normal for the first time in years. I started writing profusely, filling an entire notebook in a day. Making unrealistic plans, so not how I used to cycle. Got up to theraputic dosage and stopped the cycling, but also stopped feeling creative. I felt bored all the time. Wanted the spark back, so I went off all my medication - cycles started up again. Went on lithium, but I hated the symptoms. Here I am, at times more creative than ever, but also at the mercy of erratic energy levels. I've also experienced hypersexuality, mostly in terms of looking at a lot of porn when I should be working on something or purchasing sexy outfits or sex toys. I even "take care of business" while I'm at work sometimes because the feelings are just too strong. I'll have to text my boyfriend or go in the ladies' room...I also use the ladies' room to have dance parties when no one else is in there because sometimes I just can't contain it all. And don't get me started on lack of sleep... I understand what it's like to receive praise over an achievement and yet feel you don't deserve it. As a magazine editor, I am responsible for guiding a lot of writers. Some days I feel so amazing, like I have a great gift and have found my true "calling," while on other days I can't keep track of anything and don't feel like communicating. I'm notorious for not answering my phone, which often turns out to be a bad decision since I have missed such things as my father calling me after having a mini-stroke. A few years ago, I missed a call saying my brother had collapsed and was in the hospital (he later died). Then the guilt sets in. So my compromise is to always keep my phone on with the volume up, although I still screen my calls. I guess there is a limit to how much a person can isolate themselves. Finally, I get it when you say you're not depressed enough to end it all but still feel like crap nonetheless. I feel this the most when I'm not able to reach a goal. I have tons of energy and start some overly ambitious project and then push it aside when I crash. To me, that's the worst part of this whole thing. I'm a very big proponent of mood music - even if you're all alone, you can feel like your emotions are validated in some way, through song. There is not a day I don't listen to music. I'm trying to view having bipolar as a gift, and I know it enhances my natural creativity. The ultimate would be to channel all these experiences into some form of art. I usually prefer non-fiction writing, but I also write poetry and draw with pastels. I also like mixing fragrances (one of my many hair-brained business ideas that has yet to take off). Whether you are found to have BP I, II or NOS, I hope you are able to find a treatment method that works for you. I'm in that process now, as well as a newbie to this site. Let's keep each other motivated :-) .
  7. Thanks so much, Owl. I'm still in the same city. I had a great Pdoc who was very empathetic, seemed to understand me well, and poof!- he got fired. His replacement was an NP who, weirdly, downgraded me from Bipolar to Major Depressive Disorder. If anything, I generally start out euphoric and turn into what seem like mixed episodes that veer into depression, but it's certainly not purely depression. I need someone experienced enough to tell the two illnesses apart. Having to establish a rapport all over again when your aim is to get stable is no way to get treated - I pretty much stopped going after I saw the NP. But since so many MD's aren't taking any new patients under my insurance plan, I'm lucky if I find anyone to treat me at all.
  8. Over the last month or so, I've been turning to you guys at Crazyboards to seek some common ground, as I sure don't feel it where I'm at. I'm 32, live in a major city w/ my boyfriend, and my sincerest hope is to be able to save up enough money to move out of state for graduate school. By trade I'm a fairly disappointing legal secretary, where I'm daily treated like dirt by my coworkers no matter how hard I try to do my best. This is what happens when you have nothing but work-study office work experience to put on a resume as an undergrad. Nevermind how mindnumbingly bored I was after day one, I should be "lucky" I have a job in this economic climate...hey it's just a paycheck and benefits I tell myself. It takes all the willpower I've got just to get out of bed every morning because I know I'm headed for a day of nonstop ridicule. Moving on... Anyway, since age 20 or so I experienced mood swings. At first, I thought I had a borderline personality. I fit pretty much all the criteria, especially fear of abandonment, moods that changed at the drop of a hat (never positive, mind you), and my relationships - friend or significant other- were all so very messed up. It wasn't until a particularly bad breakup at age 26 that everything came to a head. I attempted suicide with booze and pills in a bathtub (my favorite place to be) and not only did I lose my shot at rekindling the relationship with that guy, but I lost pretty much all my friends. Two years ago, I lost another "best friend" after I started dating a mutual friend. The first time around was understandable - I was chewing this girl's ear off about my ex and she couldn't take it. Or, more likely, her new boyfriend was scared of me. One day, I came home shaking from every negative feeling known to man. I took a nearby wineglass and smashed it against the counter. She moved out not long after without a word. This latest time, however, I know I didn't deserve to be dropped. She claimed I was a "bad friend," which translated roughly to "You have a boyfriend and I don't, and I can't be happy for you, so I"m giving you the kiss-off." Nevermind I dropped everything to be with her while her mother was dying in the hospital, was with her the moment she died, and took days off from work to be at her wake and funeral. Nope, my boyfriend and I were just bad people apparently. I'm quite sure the only thing I did wrong was back out on meeting her at a cheap restaurant because I was feeling sick. With an autoimmune disease flare-up. Again, moving on... The title of my post is exactly that. I am doing my best to get some help again. It turns out that I did not have BPD as originally thought. Up until a couple months after my suicide attempt, I had only ever been prescribed antidepressants. Effexor had been the one to do me in. It's truly the devil. After 4 months of being on it, I started having intense nightmares - semi trucks falling from the sky like rain...killer tornadoes...pestilence. In my ignorance, I thought it was a mere side effect of the drug. I developed a terribly short fuse, hurling both insults and items such as my jewelry box at the wall in my dorm room. My friends at the time were in my roommate's room (our rooms were connected by a bathroom), and they were terrified. Of me - the person most likely to be terrified of other people. I never knew at the time that these rage outbursts were my first instances of true mania. I assumed it was BPD, a) because the mood switches were within hours and b) there was (to my knowledge) no bipolar disorder running in my family. No diagnosed bipolar disorder, that is. Now I know otherwise. In 2011, the same year I was diagnosed with the autoimmune disease Sjogren's syndrome, I went for psychological testing to see if I had attention deficit disorder. I had a lot of memory problems that was making work much more difficult that it really was (aside from my inability to socialize), and I also wanted to see if I had dyscalcula since I was so horrendous at math. After over 10 hours of testing, a neuropsychologist diagnosed me with Bipolar I and Paranoid Personality Disorder, the latter of which I denied - if anything, I had an avoidant personality. I can't look anyone in the eye, I refuse to answer the door or leave my bedroom wherever I live, you know the drill. Fear of rejection after years of being rejected/bullied as a child. Had a secret to carry since I was 3 years old, also making me not trust anyone. So I guess I was pretty much always a weirdo in everyone else's eyes. My 300 question personality indicator survey pointed the doctor in the direction of BP I as opposed to II since my answers had been "extreme," although the last time I received treatment they told me I had BP II because I seemed to have more hypomanias and depression. My main "problem areas" include overspending, taking on too many projects, not wanting to go to sleep EVER, and executive dysfunction. In terms of that, it surprised me to learn I had a slow reading disorder (I'm an English major and now a part time writer and editor, so Ii LOVE to read) but was average in math. I qualified for extra time on my GRE exam, but I for some reason decided I didn't need to take it. Apparently the test results are only good for a year. It was 10 hours of testing and I paid approximately $500 for the whole thing. So now I do need to take the GRE's and will have to either study my ass off to do well or be tested all over again. I've had various things happen, usually involving $$$, that made me put getting treatment on the backburner. Having crappy teeth is par for the course when you have Sjogren's, so most of it went to that. I also have chronic back pain, knee pain, and arthritis due to my autoimmune disorder. I originally was on Wellbutrin and Lamictal. Then I switched to a world renowed bipolar specialist who only ever prescribed lithium. Lithium, while I felt it had worked to reduce my hypomanias, did very little for my depressions and made all the physical symptoms from my Sjogren's like dryness and joint pain, worse. Not to mention, it increased my acne. No, thanks. I briefly tried Abilify and it made me nauseous and made my eyes extremely sensitive to light. II'm hoping to find a new pdoc soon because my relationships (what's left of them) are all starting to deteriorate. If I lose my boyfriend, who is also my best friend (and I his), my world will basically collapse. I'm so grateful for his understanding...and his appreciation of my weirdness. But he knows my moods are swinging more and more out of control as the days go by. A few days ago, I went to hopped in the shower and started singing, dancing, doing push-ups while in the shower...came back to my room and wanted to have a dance party. My boyfriend yawned and said, "Oh no, here she goes again..." It's not all fun, though. I'm very snappish. We rented a room with a Nepalese family just to save money before our big move a couple months ago, and needless to say, it's been one big nightmare. They move my stuff around a lot, which I really can't stand because my last roommate stole from me constantly. Instead of politely explain how my olive oil that I swore I bought went missing, I ended up making the guy think I was accusing him or his family of stealing (entirely possible, since someone took a slice of our pizza without asking. No we label everything). That was over a month ago, and now no one except the roommate who isn't related to them, will talk to me. I feel like I have done this a lot in my life. My extreme social anxiety, fueled by paranoia and irritable hypomania, ruins my conversational skills. And they were never great to begin with. I really don't want to be like this forever, so I'm willing to make the necessary changes. I would give anything just to give the appearance of being normal, even if I never could be. Thanks for reading. Misfit Love
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