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The Right Honourable Jimmy

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Everything posted by The Right Honourable Jimmy

  1. I haven't slept for 4 days and I'm wondering what would happen if I keep going on like this. I started taking sleeping pills yesterday but they don't seem to work. I'm kinda losing it and seeing and hearing things that aren't there probably because of tiredness and it's kinda why I can't sleep too now... What would happen if I keep going on like this, I just can't switch off..
  2. I don't think she is schizophrenic because she's been off her meds for two years and she hasn't turned delusional or paranoid, something is going on especially with who she is a person. Also it's not just a bedroom reletionship, there is obsession, lust and love, and we are thinking to get married, all I want to know is it a good idea? i like her but sometimes I feel tensed when I think of her past and the fact she is not really schizophrenic
  3. So before I start, my girlfriend had a quite difficult past, she is 29(and I'm 19, but that's a different story) and she was admitted to psychiatric ward after trying to kill her mother with a hammer and causing her brain damage. The charges were dropped for diminished responsibility. According to her doctors she is schizophrenic (I think she is not). She stayed in a psychiatric ward for 7 years and she got out. We've been in a relationship for a year now and we were thinking about getting married and my friends were keep telling me not to, because of her past. I asked her to sit down with me because if I'm going to be married to someone, I'd like to know who they truly are. I knew she was hospitalized for 7 years for schizophrenia but I did not knew at the time what did actually sent her to hospital in the first place, she confessed that her schizophrenia is gone and that she hasn't taken her meds for years which I didn't find surprising, since I did notice she did not have any prescriptions back at her house. That was the day she revealed the incident with her mother(mentioned above). My thinking is, by examining her behaviour that she might a psychopath. She has quite of a strong character, which is actually why I am with her, anyway.... I knew she was hospitalized for that long for schizophrenia for attacking her mother.. I've never seen her shed a tear and I have never seen her lose it(be delusional) because she is off her meds, she is extremely intelligent and she manipulates people all the time even me sometimes but I don't necessarily mind that. I feel sometimes she is a bit obsessed with me and once we had a fight and she got really ANGRY when I offended her. She does get offended if people say anything negative about her or question her authority. She always has that charm and she does exploits people. Once, me, her and her friend went out for dinner, they got into an argument and she knew every single weakness of her friend and she used as a murderous weapon against her, she made her friend cry and she left. I asked her how she felt about it a couple of weeks later and she didn't feel a sense of guilt or empathy about her actions at all. She exploits people, she does all these things but hell we got some chemistry, intense chemistry and I'm in love and I'm blinded by her charm, but if I'm going to spent the rest of my life with her I really don't won't to be in a situation that she comes with a hammer and kills me, really. (not likely) Should we separate for the sake of my safety or stay together? I don't know what to do, I might be under an evil spell or something similar to that nature (metaphorically).
  4. I will do that actually, thank you so much for the support sometimes is hard to talk about certain feelings or some particular actions you've made and writing them down would significantly help or just talking at the end of day. ...I appreciate this.
  5. 19 and yep still doing it.... I do it though for a different reason though....let's say pleasure...that sounds more appropriate I wish I could stop though It's very hard I don't really feel guilty about it, just disappointed, it doesn't fit with my personality...there is always a conflict between the urge and the real me.
  6. Thanks, I'm thinking about it? I just think this guilt will go away when I'm feeling better and then I'll just ditch the PD therapy all together : and I don't want that
  7. I hate showering too mate, but I have the advantage that I never smell...to a point. Showering is important though, routine, it's vital if you want to make something out of your life. To me it's important! To impress, to get that job and get to the top, you have to be clean and preferably not like a stinky pirate....although pirates are cool!
  8. Hi I know there is a sense of irony if you write NPD and then write help but any way... I was referred to see a personality disorder specialist which came to me as a surprise. Initially I assumed that my CPN(community psychiatric nurse) was thinking that I might have BPD despite having Bipolar Type 1 with proper full on psychotic and violent manic episodes. So I approached her with this assumption and said with a sarcastic tone 'Do you think I am over-sensitive?' 'Do you think I feel empty inside?' Do you think I'm overly emotional?' 'It's my bipolar diagnosis isn't it, the symptoms? 'I don't need bleeping CBT, all I need is my lithium and my quetipine!' Then, she said something I would have never expected, 'I think you might be suffering from narcissism. That's why I referred you to the PD specialists.' I was surprised and it got me thinking. Yes, I can be very selfish and yes I can be very arrogant, but isn't that normal? You are wandering now probably, narcissists would always hate the stigmas surrounding NPD (since it's about them), if I am a narcissist.......... wouldn't I avoid talking about it!? Well that is true, I denied it at first when I heard it, but today...this day, I am writing this post and I'm feeling like a really different person. You see, my depression side of my Bipolar came back and it's really intense at the moment. It started with anger and me being really grumpy but about a week ago I almost got admitted to hospital for feeling suicidal. At the moment I'm still depressed to that point, and a lot of memories are starting to came back, things that I found irrelevant, silly and funny and didn't feel any guilt or any tiny bit of remorse about them. There were some things that I did (non-violent things)........ I told various people(who had some history) to kill themselves or to cut themselves when I had arguments with them and got offended. Once I had an argument with this bossy girl when I was in a psychiatric ward a couple of years ago, she told me I'll never make anything out of my life, I got angry and wrote a letter with reasons why she should end her life and included a razor in it and gave it to her. Then I didn't really care and didn't felt guilty at all, and I did laugh afterwards when she came out with just three superficial scratches on her arm. I am a horrible person, I lie and lie all the time,I am such an experienced liar that I can make people believe anything I say and especially manipulate people to achieve my desires. I can be so superficial sometimes. I even just say horrible things on a day to day basis when I'm offended and that can be quite often. My house mate was telling me that I dream too high and I'll never reach the top because no one is perfect, I told her, I hope you choke on your own yoghurt (yoghurts are her weakness) Now that I'm depressed, surprisingly I can recognise all these tyrannical atrocities through an emotion called guilt which I don't normally feel. So if I have NPD, it goes away when I'm severely depressed. I just want to put it out there , in order to be a normal selfless person do I have to be severely depressed? So let's say I stay depressed, how do I deal with the guilt? Last week when I wasn't feeling so fab I wrote a suicide note and I wrote "I am monster, I'm horrible and I'm becoming more draconian as I grow, I need to stop this. Before it gets too late." I can't deal with the guilt... So I have two questions Am I narcissist? and how could I possibly accept help (when I am not depressed) since I'm so arrogant and selfish ? & Should I find a way to keep my self severely depressed since my personality is not the same as when I'm depressed and if I do, how to I deal with the guilt?
  9. what's even worst, is that in 100 years all this diagnoses that we are diagnosed with, would probably not exist...Don't worry so much with diagnoses... just remember a diagnosis doesn't change who you are
  10. What's your favourite Video Game? Mine must be Lord of the Rings: Conquest
  11. For me it would definitely be Monty Python's Life Of Brian, it shows another take on life, in the end
  12. Has anyone ever thought Marilyn Manson looks like Roger Smith from American Dad? I suppose they would look more alike now, since marilyn manson looks like this, nowadays ...
  13. Doctors always say there is an environmental trigger to bipolar. I believe, with me, the reason my illness was "activated" was purely biological, even if according to the doctors I had a tough past (what do they know... right?)
  14. The only way I manage is with an 1000 calorie diet(it's not that bad if you eat low calorie food products). I do feel better that now my BMI is at the normal range and not at the severely obese range. I don't think medication would help though, since I feel the need to eat even when my stomach is full. Plus, I'm already on 3 other medications, I don't want to be taking too many pills.
  15. I sat for 12 hours doing past math exam papers, I can get a bit obsessed sometimes with school work :/
  16. What frustrates me is that binge eating is never taken seriously by the Mental Health System. As a child I was morbidly obese and it was never taken seriously by doctors. I was always eating, mostly as a coping mechanism. I remember I was constantly checking the fridge for food, even after dinner. I just never stopped eating. I gained so much weight that it took me 6 years to lose it. The only thing doctors did, was tell my mom that I needed to eat vegetables.... and they also gave me a voucher for the gym which didn't help economically much either. It took my Mom installing a lock in the fridge for me to lose weight. It's only recently that I can manage without the lock. I still open the fridge door to check what there is but I don't eat anything. The new way I manage is by doing my own shopping and cooking. So the way I manage to stay healthy and thin, is by buying only essential food and eating a lot of food that is low on calories so I can subconsciously tell my self I've eaten enough. I am just fed up that food effects my life so much, it is so hard to resist eating crap and my metabolism don't help either. I can cope with it, although the problem is still there and now that I am thiner it is even harder to get help for it . I am disappointed with the mental health system, I feel as they don't support everyone. They are excellent at helping me with my other problems that effect my life but not when it comes to food addiction. Does anybody feel like that anyway?
  17. My psychiatrist said all you need to do is take your medication and recognize your different pre-warning signs before having a full-blown episode, after that you can't even tell you're Bipolar . If you don't know your pre-warning signs, it is vital that you learn them. When I was hospitalized the first part of treatment was sedatives, then the second part was getting used to long-term medication. After that it was all about learning those pre-warning signs of Mania and Depression. When you know your pre-warning signs, you don't even need therapy. If you do recognize an upcoming episode, all you need to do is talk to your psychiatrist and he will sort everything out (probably increase your medication or prescribe you something) before it gets too late.
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