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baepolar

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About baepolar

  • Rank
    Your ex-girlfriend's crazy bff

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  • Skype
    mchmely

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  • Gender
    Genderfluid
  • Location
    lawn guyland, new york
  • Interests
    literature
    writing
    electronic music
    French cinema
    cooking
    thrifting
    blogging

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  1. Sonic, I'm a recovering addict with over a year clean and sober from all drugs of abuse (and alcohol). DXM was my drug of choice. I can only speak for myself and my experiences. That being said, we may have a lot in common. I suggest you go into a dual diagnosis treatment center for acute stabilization. An inpatient stay can help you manage sobriety until your mental health returns to baseline. From there, you may begin to work on addiction recovery. Unless you're relatively homeostatic on the psychic level, maintaining sobriety can be excessively challenging. However, substance abuse and dependence exacerbate mental health symptoms exponentially. It's quite a catch-22, as oftentimes we dually diagnosed often use to self-medicate. If you believe you are an addict, then please be mindful that once someone with the disease of addiction puts any sort of recreational chemical into their body, they are drastically altering their brain chemistry. The circuits in the frontal lobe seize, and they can no longer control the compulsion to get high, like a tic. Please feel free to let me know if there's any more guidance I can give you.
  2. Hi guys, long time no post. So, Big Ang, the Mob Wife who looked like that one Muppet, passed away a couple days ago from throat cancer. As is wont to happen with a borderline leukemia survivor with PTSD, I've been struggling with the typical thoughts of "why do people who have the desire to live, die from something similar to what I, a manic depressive nihilist, survived? Anyway, I guess I'm just hoping I'm not alone in internalizing these things that have no actual effect on me.
  3. Hi guys!! Just an update: marijuana maintenance failed, it just led me back to dxm, but I did 38 days inpatient and am now 67 days clean.
  4. Because I've already lost everything meaningful, and I'll never get it back if I keep this up. Because I'm too young to be fucking up this bad. Because I'm sick and tired of being sick and tired. Because The Rooms offer more hope than use ever has. Because the rebound anxiety is crippling. Because I hate not feeling my mood symptoms and not being able to tell what's real and what's withdrawal.
  5. totally regretting that i refilled my meds late. i guess latuda is my bitchy pill?

  6. reading the urban dictionary entry for lsd. trips sound an awful lot like psychotic episodes.

  7. Thanks guys. Pdoc is talking wellbutrin eventually. She won't prescribe it until I have some clean time from drugs.
  8. Sweet Dreams by The Eurythmics tells such important truths. "Some of them want to use you/ Some of them want to be used by you/some of them want to abuse you/some of them want to be abused

  9. Hi Van. I've struggled with binge eating for 13 years and bulimia for 5 years. My bulimia is currently in remission. I use my ED as a coping skill for my BPD. What I find that helps me if I have an urge is chewing gum while smelling something really strong (i.e. lotion, perfume, hell even fabric softener) until i feel like I'm tasting it. Another thing is I find bingeing on really thick, chewy, bready or crunchy foods (i.e. steak, bagels, chips) makes me less likely to purge, because I'm scared I'll choke on my own vomit and die, and that's not how I want my story to end. Also smoking cigarettes helps me with urges to purge, because when I smoke after eating I feel less full and bloated. I also have a harm reduction tip: if you really have to binge, try taking a gulp of cold clear fluids (i.e. water, gatorade, diet soda) between each bite of food. You'll become fuller faster without ingesting as many calories, so you'll feel less guilty. If you really can't live with yourself feeling that full and you have to purge, It'll be a little easier on your body. I hope you can put that bitch Mia in her place. Stay strong!!
  10. I was diagnosed with acute lymphocytic leukemia when I was nine. Even though I've been in remission for eight years, I think about relapsing a lot. Like, I'm irrationally convinced that I'm going to die because of all the damage that's been done to my body over the 19 years I've spent with it. If I got sick again I would refuse treatment. Not because I'm suicidal, but because it's not worth the physical pain, the emotional turmoil, the financial toll on my parents. It's picking my battles. I don't wanna take more pills than I already am. I can't take steroid regiments because I'll go psychotic. I'm a drug addict, so they'd be blatantly negligent if they prescribe a narcotic pain reliever, and those are the only ones that work. And the last thing I need is more intrathecal methotrexate to dissolve my brain into something that resembles tubby custard. I've envisioned my life if I relapse, both if I get treatment and if I don't. If I do get treatment, it'll be because I have too much life to live, or if I had a spouse/children. But if they told me tomorrow that I'm sick again, I wouldn't "put up a fight". Instead I would throw a party for me and my friends. Then I'd move to a state where I could get MMJ and do a shit ton of psychedelics and draft my memoir. MI and addiction are worse than having cancer, I would know. Social stigma is a major contributor to the misery that is MI and addiction. Everybody loves cancer patients, and everybody hates addicts. Really there's not much of a difference between the two when you think about it. A cancer diagnosis turns your life 180*. Suddenly everything changes. Your life splits into "before diagnosis" and "after diagnosis". Somehow you manage to cultivate a routine around your illness. And when you go into remission and complete treatment, for some sick reason, you begin to miss your cancer life.
  11. So over the past four of five months I've repeatedly tried and failed to be completely abstinent from drugs. It seems like every time I think I have a handle on it, one little thing changes and life spirals out of control again. Don't get me wrong, I really, truly do want to recover. But I'm not ready to be sober. I hate being sober. I just rely on using too much right now for me to successfully cut it out of my life. My time will come, it's just not now. I was wondering, while in recovery limbo, if I would be doing any harm reduction by switching to only smoking weed. Like, really regimented about it, open with my parents, not being obnoxious, still tending to obligations etc., or will this really only be a band aid? Although the way things seem right now I don't think I could stoop much lower.
  12. the run is never over

    1. dragonfly23

      dragonfly23

      it can be, when your ready. Maybe your ready huh, I hope your ready Bae.

  13. I don't really know which board to put this topic on. I guess borderline is the best one to ask, since overwhelming emotions are more of a borderline quality. I don't know how to be okay with being bored or anxious. I usually turn to drugs, which help short-term but are really only killing me. The borderline in me is perfectly okay with that, but the part of me that recognizes my worth is vehemently against my use. Anyway, how can I just sit with the unbearable discomfort? Do I just ride it out? Any coping skills? I just don't see any intrinsic meaning to life anymore. There are too many questions and not enough answers.
  14. what are some good SPECIFIC sober activities? I'll gag myself with a spoon if someone suggests making a meeting. Anything You wouldn't think of?? ones I've come up with: cerebral: - read, analyze a book - try all the writing prompts on reddit - philosophize physical: - jog until you collapse - 200 squats - dance to 150bpm trance hobbies: - crochet a lace doilie - make a scrapbook of your personal style evolution - paint a sistine chapel-esque mural on your ceiling misc. - invent an online persona and cultivate followers - organize the pantry - clean out your hard drive
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