So ever since the end of last year when I was confronted with the reality that it was emotional abuse and may even overt and covert sexual abuse (eww) from my mother I've been trying to distance myself. I already live 1800+ miles away from her but she calls me every day. So I'm colder on the phone calls to get her to hang up quicker or I tell her the truth when she asks me questions. I don't really tell her anything that's going on in my life. If she asks me what I did at work, I tell her I did work and that's it. If I tell her I went out to dinner and she asks how it was I say it was good and that's it. I don't let her keep going in the conversations.
She's noticed and has said to me that our relationship is becoming more distant. I tell her the truths sometimes. Like my cousins' daughters are going to college and neither one of them wants them to go. So I told my mom "she just shouldn't do what you did, which was not give me an option to live on my own in college and move with me." To that she said I was the one who asked her to move in with me. The excuse I gave everyone regarding the fact that my mom moved to a new city with me was that I didn't want to live in the dorm. But really, my mom guilted me and I felt I had no choice. In fact, I originally wanted to move out of state for college but then she would do the whole "if I'm sick, you won't be able to see me, vice versa" thing and I felt guilted. I told her that was the truth and told her to cut the conversation.
Lately she's been watching a religious channel and comes to me with realizations. Like it was saying how parents are distancing their own children and causing harm when they don't let them go. She asked me if she did that to me and then I said yes. And she denied it. She denied me ever lacking the ability to make my own decisions. I told her that no matter what I tell her that she's just going to deny it anyway.
She's also been asking for forgiveness this way, "if I ever did anything wrong to you, then forgive me." I told her that's not how you ask for apologies. By doing that you're not even recognizing that you did anything wrong. I told her that she would have never accepted that apology from me. Then she said she would have that she never denied an apology from me (a million times she did). Then she told me that parents always forgive their children and children should always forgive their parents.
She has chronic pain and when she talks about how miserable her life is I feel like I should feel compassion. I know that I hurt her when I'm cold. I know that. She tells me that.
She asked me how I'm doing mental health wise. I told her that even if I was doing bad I wouldn't tell her because she was the one who told me before I moved out of state that if I'm ever not doing well that I shouldn't tell her because she'll worry about me and that won't be good for her health. She then denied ever saying that and said she would never say such a horrible thing. Then said that if she ever said something so stupid, that it was just her being stupid and that I should forgive her because she'll be there for me always. She'll come live with me if I ever need her.
So I've been feeling a lot more compassion towards her. She's changing, right? She's 66 years old. She's maintained that she's never going to change her personality. But what she's changing isn't her personality. Part of me says that's how abusers get people to stay. Then most of me says I was never abused and that I'm just being mean to someone who loves me very very much.
I don't know any more. Folks on the chat encourage me to cut off contact or change my name next time I move and not tell her. I know it's probably best but idk. I would feel guilty.