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About moonbat

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    Fire of Unknown Origin

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  1. I think all of it goes away over time -- if you survive it, and live so long.
  2. I googled akathesia and it seems related to Parkinson's disease. Reading about this shit scares the crap out of me because it makes a lot of sense -- I have multiple physical symptoms of relatively recent onset (past year or so) that fit the description -- and in fact could even explain a good bulk of the psych stuff I've experienced -- though the onset is typically after age 50 and I'm not 50 yet, and my psych symptoms started years ago. Still ... I have not been to a doctor in years, not even a physician. Is it possible to get specific evaluation for something to either verify or (hopefully) rule it out? Do they let you do that -- walk in and say, I have X symptoms, I suspect Y, can you please evaluate me for Y?
  3. Does anyone else here experience akathesia that is NOT produced as a side effect of one of your meds -- meaning, either you aren't taking meds and experience it or you experienced it before you were put on meds? This is becoming a real pain in the arse for me personally. I suspect it might be tied to my insomnia and ongoing sleep deprivation. It starts almost as soon as I get home from work in the evening. I cannot sit still no matter what I do. Curling up, stretching out, rocking, jiggling my leg, none of it helps. I itch, and twitch, and can't stop MOVING and it's like my skin or something just under my skin is crawling, all over. It reminds me of the primary side effect I had when I was on aripiprazole (abilify) many years ago: akathesia, so that's what I'm calling it. If anyone knows of another name, or what might cause this in a NON-medicated person, please chime in.
  4. Now that I think about it, I probably have a long history of sleep disorders. I never really thought about that as a symptomatic cluster till just now -- I probably should explore it with a doc. As a child I had an intricate sleep structure of the sort they based the movie Inception upon. Speaking of which, as a child and ALL MY LIFE until that movie came out, I was the ONLY one I knew who EVER had layered sleep/dreams like that. When I described it to others they could not relate to it at all, and I described it to MANY others on numerous occasions and asked if anyone else had ever had anything like that happen -- I never met one single person who did. Not ONE ... whereas other unusual experiences I've had, there's always been at least one or two others I've encountered in life who have had very similar things. But not this -- UNTIL that damned movie came out and suddenly EVERYONE and his dog was claiming they'd been there and done that. Rubbish. It was happening to me decades ago. I had bizarre nightmares from the age of 2, one recurring one involved an air-raid siren and everyone running from something. I seemed to be older in the dream, way older, maybe even an adult, but I was running away from the whatever too, and the dream always ended the same way: I would come to a fence with some bottom drag on the ground, couldn't decide whether to try to climb it or squeeze under it to continue running, and that split second of indecision (I presume) "did me in" -- I would wake up at that point with the sure sense that whatever had been pursuing had caught me and done who knows what. When I was about 10 I learned about the book/movie "Audrey Rose" and got fascinated with the idea the dream could have been some reincarnation thingy along those lines -- but again, I had the experience by myself, authentically, not influenced by media, though in this case, unlike with Inception, it didn't predate the media itself. I had horrible nightmares as a child overall through about the age of 12 or so, though they started tapering off around age 9. Nightmares so bad I would "kill myself" in my dream to escape and make myself wake up -- that's what started the Inception-esque layering, which was at its peak at age 8-9. The first thing I'd do upon awakening would be to put on the light to re-orient myself with reality, and THAT got incorporated into this REM Hell as well. It's a wonder I didn't fall apart from sheer disorientation out of reality at that age, what with my dreams feeling so real, being layered so that "waking up" became just another part of the dream until 3 rounds of it woke me up for real, and the fact that I discovered I could escape the terror by "killing myself" in the dream ... sheeeeesh ..... In my early teens I started experiencing intermittent night terrors and "old hag" syndrome or sleep paralysis. Scary shit. Felt like I was "awake" but trapped in my body and my body was corpse-like and could not move. I couldn't move, scream, cry out, or anything. These took on decidedly mythic proportions at 18-19 and were fraught with ominous overtones of a "supernatural" and "evil" caste. Complete with full blown visual, auditory, and sensory hallucinations as well. Combined with the other things I was going through at the time, from cognitive dissonance to existential crises to the emergence of dissociative and schiz-spectrum symptoms all over the map for me, all of this pretty much overturned and upheaved my entire life at that juncture. From there by my late-20s it had drifted to primarily insomnia with just the occasional random occurrence of some of those rougher experiences. I think I'd rather have hallucinations freaking me out and still get some decent sleep in the deal than be constantly wakeful and restless yet exhausted.
  5. I've had horrible insomnia for the past 30 years. Yes, for 3/5 of my life I have been living with chronic, continual sleep deprivation and even without other symptoms from other issues that by itself would be -- and in some respects IS -- enough to drive me bats. It's dwindled down from the original 0-2 hours of sleep per night (with about a 10-12-hour crashout period every 2 weeks or so) I had up until about 4 years ago, to being more along the lines of 4-5 hours per night most nights, but it's still an issue, and I'm still having those nights where I will sleep about 3 hours and get up and won't be able to sleep again -- until it's time for work of course, where I can't. I've tried various things from OTC sleep aids to popping Benadryl to medical mj (which is legal here in California) to Valerian root, with varying degrees of random success on occasion, but nothing really works well or consistently. And if I try to re-medicate in any fashion for sleep at a 2-3 a.m. wake up, I'll be too groggy to function in the morning. What sucks about it most is it really inhibits experiencing life to the fullest or making any useful healthy choices for yourself because you're just too . freaking . TIRED all the time. I know getting some exercise and fixing my diet could help tremendously, but I have a long commute and don't have the time or energy for either menu-planning, shopping, proper cooking most evenings, or exercise either in the a.m. or p.m. I'm just too wiped out. On weekends I'm so wiped out from the week and its hours that all I want to do is veg on the couch -- half the time I end up cancelling social plans as a result, which also sucks.
  6. I'd say that's a good "tell" to bank upon for navigating this stuff. What did your doc have to say about it all? It's not uncommon for mental symptoms to be caused by physical problems. A relative of mine once had a sudden onset of severe depressive symptoms but when he went to the doc about it, he found out he actually had a blood pressure issue (can't recall whether high or low just now) and got put on meds for that. The meds fixed the problem and in turn the symptoms of depression disappeared -- so don't rule out the physical when it comes to psych issues. My own problems in this department have not been so much with false memories, per se, as with delusional constructs and layers over top of actual/real memories which end up eclipsing the real issues and creating symptoms that point deceptively elsewhere. That and having experiences of memory deletion -- I don't just mean lapses but as if entire "files" of data on people, places, things were just removed from my head, forcibly so. I've had numerous experiences with thought insertion, thought projection, and thought removal, as they are called, which I suspect are related. I have had "programming sessions" (part of my delusional constructs) in which something I call "sims" get run through me for particular purposes, but I'm usually aware that's what's going on and don't take the retro-styled ones for memories.
  7. I think the acid test of any of this stuff, symptomatic or not, is whether it interferes with (a) your ability to find a reasonable measure of happiness (or at least satisfaction) in your life and/or your ability to accept yourself and live with yourself; and (b) your ability to be functional, productive, and maintain human relationships. If it's not interfering that way, I wager you can feel free to enjoy your imagination or your crazy or both all you please, as long as it stays pleasurable and doesn't wreck your day job or your significant relationships. If it does interfere -- if it breaks (a) or (b) or both -- then it's something to be addressed for the sake of your life quality and that of those around you. That's my generic tuppence on the subject.
  8. Toto, I think we ARE back in Kansas ... this sounds like home to me. I don't want to say too much because honestly the one thing that freaks me out more than anything right now is thinking anyone might read what I share and know who I am IRL. I really need a safe place to explore the shizz that's going on in my world at this juncture and that would put the kibosh on that. Plus, over the past several years (5? 6? not really sure when it started) things have been shifting inside from a more dramatic and compartmentalized system of others with their own names, personalities, histories and memories, to being more of a situation of what I call just "fragmentation". In some ways this is good -- I can "pass" in the "outside world" more smoothly and be more functional for things like work and relationships -- but in other ways it is not so good because when I shift, switch gears or shuffle, I don't have the insider "clues" anymore -- the whole attachment to specific names, M.O.s and goals -- to give me a handle on why, or on what's really up with me that's causing it. It also means when I do get triggered into a more "full blown" switch it is way more disorienting and difficult to manage, mask, or function through. Most notably, though, with the whole "fragmentation" business, the agenda of one part can easily infiltrate or blend into the agendas of other parts, which makes it really hard for me to know what's ME and what is not -- if that makes any sense? -- and in many ways this makes it harder for me to have any sense of self at all, which is triggering a lot of derealization and detachment from my own thoughts and feelings, to the point I don't even feel fully engaged enough to know what's mine and what is not. Sure, I get it -- logically it's all "me" and all "mine" -- but it doesn't FEEL like it, and there's so much internal contradiction and scattering that the boundaries of identity and any sense of selfhood are just evaporating. This leaves me feeling mostly like a mindless drone going through the motions of life with no direction or purpose, and that troubles me as well. I don't want to become vulnerable to some of the things that have been predatory and destructive to me in my past, as a result ...
  9. Hi Susan, welcome to the boards. I'm new here too. I don't have a Dx of DPD but depersonalization (as well as derealization) are both symptoms I deal with as well. I'm so used to them I really don't even know what it's like to not have them. Which leaves me in a weird position of getting it but NOT getting it, if you know what I mean -- I don't have any perspective outside it.
  10. All the Zzzzzzzzs I can't catch.

  11. Hello and welcome to CB. I'm new here myself. Love your intro post. I've been Dx'd with schizoaffective myself, but my most pressing issues are on the dissociative spectrum. I'm pretty functional right now, moreso than I've ever been in a couple decades, just hoping it holds.
  12. Hey everypony. Yeah I do type fast, almost as fast as I think, which makes it a far more ideal medium for noting my thoughts than a pen and notebook, though there's something old-school and romanticized about the latter ... Man what a crap week. I've had rampant insomnia -- lucky if I grabbed 3 or 4 hours of sleep any given night -- and more triggers than a gun factory. OK the last was an exaggeration just so I could show off one of my favorite one-liners. But I did have a triggering experience and given that these are fairly rare nowadays it was unsettling enough just by happening. It was also oddly productive and useful for me in the end. The insomnia is what has really bit me in the arse end. I don't know whether to work from home today or just say fuggit and report in sick so I can sleep, or just give up and go in, but if I sit here yawning over my coffee any longer I won't have to decide on that last one ... Thanks for all the welcomes again.
  13. This is a good thread. Thank you for sharing your situation as it has very strong similarities and parallels with my own. It's good to know I'm not alone that way.
  14. Thanks for all the welcomes everyone. What does it mean when a reply is not added because it is posted "too quickly". Do I have to type sloowwwwwllllyyyyyy-errrrr or something? Adding drivel to add time so this isn't "too quickly" anymore. Drivel drivel drivel ...
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