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About Syn

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    Washington, USA

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  1. Change has also been a huge stressor, even a little change or change I want. Like rearranging our bedroom furniture. Or any furniture in the house. My fiance usually has to wrap me up in a blanket, stuff the dog next to me, and put some familiar movie on, just so he can move stuff. By himself most of the time. It gets pretty bad sometimes.
  2. I think what Crodentia said hits the mark; "Remember, it doesn't have to be forever, but it may need to be forever." You might need to step away from your father and let him handle his own thing. If he complains to your grandparents, he complains. Your father seems to have a lot of pent up anger from his divorce, and has lashed out at you and continues to do so. He is acting like a child who has had his favorite toy taken away, and you don't need to deal with that. You don't have to write him off, but reaching out to him is just giving him opportunity to hurt you. It sounds like he needs to see a therapist, but ultimate that and changing his behavior will only happen when he realizes his behavior isn't okay. Leave the door open, but don't go driving to bring him back. I am sorry that you've had to deal with a a nasty divorce; but focus on yourself & your child. He is making himself miserable, so don't let him drag you down with him. Maybe one day he'll take a step back & realize what he's been doing. Or he may never do that. It's a difficult thing to accept but letting that go & accepting that is out of your control will help you so much. Again, I am sorry you've had to deal with this. My thoughts are with you.
  3. Out of all the five senses, smell is the strongest memory trigger. So from that...I love the smell of pumpkin, apples and the spices that come with fall. Waking up in the morning, with the bed a little too crowded & warm with fiance, cats and dog. The sense of security by having them all there with me, content. A good book, whether it's a new one or one I've read a thousand times My daily phone call to my mom & dad
  4. It's huge that she was able open up and speak to you about her self-harm. It is also very good that she agreed to go to therapy. I'm sorry this is happening and it must be very scary. Being there, supportive and understanding is the best thing you & your husband can do. It may take her a long time to get over this, depending on how long she's been doing this. But a good support system - her friends, you as her mother, - makes all the difference. I used self-harm from age 8 to 18. I'm 22 now, and I'll admit I still crave it. But it's more than possible to quit & find healthy ways to cope. A good therapist can help her figure out what triggers her, why she feels like she has to harm herself and hopefully help her take steps to stop. Also, I agree with what Mim said; teaching her how to clean her cuts, signs of infection & what to watch out for, etc. It's scary thing to go through as a parent but everything you've been doing helps more than you probably know.
  5. I still have issues with it time to time. Maybe talk to your pdoc about changing the time you take it? I take my Zoloft & Cymbalta only at night, my Buspar is once in morning, once in afternoon, and once at night. Also, try occupying yourself with things such you go to bed. Medications helps, but my pdoc always reminds me there is no "miracle drug". So find out what makes your depression worse or better. Being alone is one of mine, but it's also occupying myself helps. Reading, playing a video game, anything that distracts me from thinking too hard, until I'm tired enough to go to sleep. Hope that helps a little.
  6. I just finished school after three years - although after my first year, I had to take a break to recover from a brain tumor being removed. Two classes should be just fine. I would also recommend talking to disability. I thought the same thing - how would they be able to help? I never needed it, but the disability people encourage it - "better to have it and not need it, than need it and not have it." As long as you have documentation, by all means, you should qualify. You'll do fine, I'm sure!
  7. The only ones visible are ones on my upper arm but now my godchild's name is across it. You can still see them if you look for it but most people don't pay enough attention. The rest are on my ribs, stomach & thighs. When I had my brain surgery, none of the nurses or anyone commented on my scars. When I had an ultrasound done once, the nurse said nothing about my scars. Admittedly, I've never been to the ER for my self-harm. My parents have glimpsed them, but never made judgement calls. My fiance has known about them forever, because we actually started sleeping together before we started dating. He never said anything about them until we got together, and even then, he still only told me that they don't matter to me, he loves me regardless. I knew in middle school some of the girls knew I harmed, I'm sure they said things but no one was brave enough to say it in front of my face.
  8. Thank you all, it makes me feel a little better. Alas, I did not get the job but it is very likely whatever funeral home I do end up working at will do a drug test. It seems people have had different experiences, but overall, most people weren't actually watched for a pee test.
  9. (I wasn't sure if this fell under the Anxiety Category board, so I put it here. I apologize if it's in the wrong place.) So I'm about to graduate college with my Associate's Degree in Funeral Service. Had an interview, and good possibility I'll get my job/apprenticeship. Even have known my boss for a couple of months, familiar with him enough that my anxiety isn't too bad about working. My problem is all the jobs I've had, there has been no drug testing. This job means I will be drug tested. I know I will test clean. My problem is...weird. Even my fiance has trouble trying not to laugh, and he's always been good at not laughing with my quirks. Being drug-tested means someone is going to watch me. While I pee in a cup. I can't do this. I don't like people watching me go to the bathroom. At all. Even my fiance isn't allowed in the bathroom when I go. The only human that can be in the bathroom when I go is my 22 month old nephew, and that's because when I'm watching him, I can't very well leave him alone, unattended, while I pee. The thought of someone being there when I pee has caused me so much anxiety that I've vomited today because I thought and worried about it too much. It's a privacy thing. I get WHY they do this, but I just....shake, and fret and just freak out about someone being there. Is there any way around this? Can they draw my blood or something?
  10. My parents started to notice my mental issues before I did. My depression was "officially" diagnosed at age six, but my mother has told me she noticed around 5 years of age. Apparently it showed in the form of odd statements and behavior, such as waking my parents up at 2 am to ask them "What was the meaning of life", asking them to not let the strange people to take me away, worried about the "darkness" that happened after death, etc. Basic things children my age may do once or twice, but it was a constant thing. My anxiety started around age 11 and got worse from there. Heard voices since a young age, they come and go depending on how bad my mental state is. My cutting started at age 8, after the death of a friend. It started out as "punishment" because I felt like his death was my fault, but then it quickly evolved as an addiction & way to calm myself. I had a pretty good childhood. While I was bullied at elementary school, probably because I was a little strange & quiet, I did have a handful of friends. I did have extensive bullying in middle and high school, to the point I've wanted to harm my classmates but I did okay. I am an only child, and am blessed that my parents have always been loving & supportive. I mean, my mother & I clashed for a bit when I was a teenager, but that was due to my reclusiveness and her worry. Depression runs through my family. I think my mom has some level of anxiety, but she won't admit it and seems to manage it well enough.
  11. My therapist has told me the same thing that most people hear have been told - it may never go away. It's hard to hear but therapists can't make promises they can't keep. My doc has always reminded me - medications help but that being active in managing my anxiety and/or depression is something that needs to be worked on. You aren't the only one - while I've always been pretty quiet, I remember having many more friend, being out & about more, helping people, etc. I do look back on that person and miss her sometimes. But I remind myself that I wasn't happy either - I was in a abusive relationship, cutting myself constantly, and being so co-dependent on people to avoid my own problems. Either way, we go through different life stages - we are continuing to grow every day, up until we die. I have good days, and bad days, & I'm sure you do too. Maybe lately you've had more bad than good - it happens. If you feel like you are a danger to yourself, a crisis line would be good. And while it's okay to remember that there are people who have it worse, don't let anyone belittle how you feel based on what is happening to someone else While anxiety may be something you have to deal with, remember, it is a part of you, but it doesn't define you. Don't let it define you. And remember, you aren't alone in this. Truly. If I could reach through the internet and give you a hug, I would.
  12. Well, you can lead a horse to water but you can't make them drink. Trying to get parents to go to therapy, is very similar to trying to get a family member addicted to drugs to go to rehab. They will go when they accept that there is a problem, and when they are ready to face that problem. So until that time comes, keep your boundaries and do what is healthy for you. My mother struggled with dealing with my anxiety & depression when I was a teenager, because it brought up a lot of her own issues. She did eventually get help, and now we are closer than ever. But she had to go get her own therapist, when she was ready to do that.
  13. In signature, but I'll say anyways. Zoloft - 200 mg at night, for depression Buspirone, 10 mg, one in the morning, one at noon and two at night. - For my anxiety Cymbalta, 30 mg, at night, helps both depression and anxiety. AND...every couple of months, I take 2000 mg of Vitamin D, because Washington (especially my area) and the sun have a love hate relationship. They stop speaking for weeks at a time, so I need to take Vitamin D to help. Otherwise I get really sluggish.
  14. Walked a mile and a half yesterday on the treadmill - hopefully tomorrow will bring good weather - Washington and our rain. I didn't really do much today, other than drive and brief walk to dog's nails done...
  15. I have something very similar - usually during my anxiety attacks, I need something or someone to hold on to. I can never remember WHY I do, it's not like the world is going to end, it just helps me. I have noticed if I don't have something to hold on to, I will curl into myself - and then sometimes my anxiety attack morphs into a full blown panic attack. I have done this waking up from nightmares, both my boyfriend and dog have been grabbed and woken up in the middle of the night when I have a nightmare. My dog actually seeks me out when I have an anxiety attack, just so I can hold onto her until I get my bearings. I don't know if any of that helps, but yes, I do understand the feeling. Holding on to something seems to help cement myself a bit.
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