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Everything posted by ananke

  1. i feel unsafe pretty much all the time. i don't know if it is a trauma thing, but it sounds like it could be. is this something you are able to discuss with a pdoc or tdoc? for me personally it's like a mix of paranoia (from a bad episode that never really went away fully) and hypervigilence
  2. I can't really speak to the anger (I'm more of a repressive type myself, which isn't very healthy but it's on the therapy bucket list) but I can 100% relate to weird obsessive thinking. I mention obsessive thinking because there was some stuff in your comments which resonated with me. I think sometimes in psychology there is an urge to go deeper (i.e. trauma, unconscious, etc.) rather than go broader (e.g. does this fall into a pattern). When I was a teen I had this mental habit of thinking up a 'word of the day'. There was no rhyme or reason to this- there was an obsession though, I was mentally focused on finding patterns in my life and the 'word of the day' was more 'what fits the pattern'. I rewatched Dirty John (Netflix series) recently and something the lawyer said might be relevant. If you try to fight anger with anger (his example was working out job frustrations with boxing) all you are going to get is more anger. You haven't actually solved your problem, just wound yourself up. I do this with anxiety all the time Do you also have a fear of conflicts or arguments? Are the internal debates sort of a way of practising for potential conflicts with others? This is definitely something I've done as well...
  3. IDK much about your situation other than the above, so I don't know if having access to shipping for gifts would make a serious positive impact on your life. I'm not being flippant, it may well do. My feeling is that as you were hurt by your aunt, have not had much inclination to restart that relationship in a decade, and contact with her would probably remind you of how horrible she is, then don't engage. I don't know if she's this kind of person, but there are some folks out there who'd do anything to get a metaphorical foot in the door to re-establish old harmful patterns. It's possible she would be a very bland email correspondent who you'd get some gifts out of, it's also possible this will cause you more resentment and anger. I didn't really help but there you go
  4. Yep, one thing to ruin your own health but it's another thing to put your employees at risk. Even Bojo stayed in hospital long enough to properly recover (at least to the point of not being infectious)
  5. Oh man, it's horrible when you try to relax and the perfectionism still ruins it. As Coraline says, you have to let yourself make mistakes, even when your brain sucks IDK all that's coming to mind is that old CBT thing- when you are at your most anxious, keep pushing through it, otherwise you stay stuck in the anxiety. As perfectionism is part anxiety, perhaps the best thing is to continue, whether with the current doll or a different one. Can the unevenness be a feature? Like high fashion- it's not a mistake its a highlight Maybe you can crochet a cute scarf for the doll? I've started to really root for this crochet project
  6. Wow , if nothing else there seem to be an impressive amount of people on there. I do find it very difficult to read anything about OCPD that isn't from the horse's mouth, so to speak. Whether it's the professionals or those who suspect a loved one has OCPD, those experiences are very different from my own. But I'll go and investigate, there seems to be a OCPD only board. The affection thing doesn't surprise me. I think it depends on what kind of affection, if any, you've received previously. It's very difficult trusting people when you're already prone to being closed off and guarded, and someone comes along to remind you that's how you should be.
  7. would 100% recommend transitioning from smoking to vaping to quitting entirely. i stopped smoking about 4 years ago and started vaping. word to the wise- i stupidly misjudged how much nicotine i consumed and started vaping on a much higher concentration than i should have done. i went from like 8-10 cigs a day to the nicotine equivalent of 3 packs. the good thing is, e-cig liquid has different concentrations so you can go to a lower and lower dose at your own rate. actually it was only because of recent events that i moved from the lowest dose of nicotine to none at all, then reducing how much i used the e-cig, then quitting completely. so much easier than quitting cigs cold turkey, for me anyway. so yeah been about 1-2 months and dont miss it. not even the behaviour, because i made sure to slow that down as well. not a shill for big vape just sharing what worked
  8. there are three components, mindfulness stuff, acceptance (mine's leant more towards Banana Smurfs experience) and values. Like rather than focusing on goals, its more about becoming the person you want to be: https://www.getselfhelp.co.uk/act.htm i havent really found mindfulness helpful, but the other two aspects have helped. particularly with self esteem/intrusive thoughts
  9. It does make sense. Anxiety/stress can be itself triggering. Like if someone with health anxiety worries about something, gets heart palpitations, then panics and thinks they're having a heart attack or something. The trauma can be traumatising I guess. I think I saw some graphic once that tried to explain how trauma is formed. Part of it is things you would expect, like proximity to the situation or relative intensity. But it also mentioned your own personal circumstances around the traumatic event. Whether or not you had a support network, good self esteem, pre-existing mental health conditions, etc. I think if your personal circumstances are already pretty fragile, it can make a traumatic event way more overwhelming. From personal experience that seems to have been the case anyway.
  10. This looks really interesting, I will say I find it strange when these kinds of articles reference a lack of self awareness.. I'm fully aware that my OCPD is BS
  11. I remember you saying, I think even if not a therapist maybe a counsellor or someone to talk to could help. Would you consider a support group? Either way its still a hard thing to go through. I hope this time off goes well
  12. Yeah I think for those of us used to a dysfunctional way of living, going back to chaos can feel safer than trying to be healthy. IDK 'just not used to being well' is an experience a lot of people here can understand. I think it can be helpful to take these things one step at a time. Rather than looking over the cliff edge at an impossible drop, just taking sensible steps to a place you'd rather be in. I know I sound like a broken record, but therapy can help, even though it can definitely feel like a huge hurdle. If you ever struggle to know what to say you can always show them these posts
  13. Hopping over from your blog- TBH your tdoc needs to go back to school. I think the causes of trauma is wildly misunderstood by a lot of the psychological community. I had a similar experience, I was in a bad relationship but because it was only emotionally abusive it didn't count (ugh). From my entirely amateur perspective, any one of the examples you mentioned would be traumatic. I don't know if it will help, but I have some resources if you want to investigate further: https://www.cdc.gov/violenceprevention/acestudy/fastfact.html?CDC_AA_refVal=https%3A%2F%2Fwww.cdc.gov%2Fviolenceprevention%2Fchildabuseandneglect%2Faces%2Ffastfact.html I think in this context the ACE index is helpful at providing context for why some kids and adults experience more health problems etc. than others. https://blackbearrehab.com/mental-health/ptsd/cumulative-stress-and-ptsd/ no idea if Black Bear Rehab is legit but they have a section on cumulative stress https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC4085043/ clinical article about cumulative stress None of us can really tell you whether you have PTSD/trauma of some kind (including me!), but it might be worth bringing it up again with your tdoc. Perhaps you can do trauma work without an official Dx. PTSD isn't an exclusive members-only club, I have no idea why there is so much gatekeeping around the diagnosis but that's a rant for another day. I'm sorry for all the hoop-jumping you are having to do. I think if you feel you have been minimising situations you find traumatic, that's a very valid thing to bring into therapy work, and your tdoc should be sympathetic to that.
  14. You do, its not throwing it back in their face. If you are ill or need time to recover you should have it. Hope you get some relief soon
  15. I'm glad you have a good boss, sounds like a week off is a good idea. Totally understand the frustration that your own brain doesn't work for you. Hope that it treats you better this week. I also really hope medication helps you, particularly trying to come down from the feelings of being not perfect.
  16. by that token, 'do to yourself as others have done to you' also rings true, which would explain my crappy self esteem lol
  17. No worries, I think I've said this on other threads but it is a very overwhelming diagnosis that can come with a bunch of baggage. Sometimes just saying 'heres a specific problem, lets focus on that' makes it easier. Mental illness is never personal failure its just how it is. If someone laid out two life paths, one with and one without OCPD, would you ever willingly chose to have OCPD? Maybe part of the reason its a hard thing to come to terms with is because mental illness can still feel humiliating, a personal failing, etc. When I first started to realise I was depressed (years before OCPD dx) I was kind of disgusted with myself. Obviously I've come a long way from there (with a few more acronyms thrown) but its not an easy thing to hear about yourself. Feel free to put whatever thoughts you have on here, for the most part people are pretty great, no humiliating or anything 😄 Added note: just if you are interested, Millon's subtypes might be interesting research: https://millonpersonality.com/theory/diagnostic-taxonomy/compulsive.htm
  18. I mean its probably a bit of both, but I attribute it to OCPD. As my self esteem has started to slowly improve this fear of effing up remains. I think good self esteem just allows you to bounce back a bit quicker rather than stopping the dread, but that's just me. A lot of OC-type anxiety (again, just from my experience) is very much 'one rule for me, another for everyone else'. I am nowhere near as bothered when other people make mistakes, but can't treat myself with that same compassion. I'm really sorry, it's also very difficult to convince yourself other people aren't secretly harbouring a grudge. It helps if you have a boss that isn't afraid to speak their mind... at least I know they are being honest Humiliation definitely, in a work environment it's horrible because it can feel like everyone is watching.
  19. It's so horrible. Even when it can be fixed or isn't a big deal it sucks massively. If I had a penny for every time I thought I was going to get fired... I don't have any great tips because truthfully I haven't made a lot of progress. The only thing I can do is distract myself until the feelings die down but the smallest reminder can upset me again. IDK about you but part of it for me is the possibility of people thinking less of me. If someone still treats me ok then it relieves like 90% of the anxiety. Likewise someone being angry/annoyed makes it so much worse.
  20. It does sound like a good approach. Sorry I couldn't be more helpful, it is definitely a stressful situation to be in. I agree that sooner rather than later tends to be best, but timing can be difficult. Best of luck for future dates
  21. Sorry, I haven't had to disclose much other than to therapists who are paid to sit there and take it well. Actually, is this something you could role play or something in therapy? You might never be able to predict the response but your therapist can help you weather it I guess. There is a huge temptation (at least for me, the chronically honest) to just blurt it all out and get it over with. But spreading out information might be better- gives people a chance to digest their feelings (if they need to), do research, talk to friends, etc. Plus, though they are important things to know about you, they are two separate things. Would you feel comfortable with a more casual approach? Like just dropping information into a conversation if it becomes relevant? I should stress I really don't know a correct approach but I feel invested in helping you with this lol
  22. Happy Pride everyone! I'm a lesbian with a personality disorder and PTSD from an abusive relationship, but I haven't dated since so I'm picking up tips as well 😆 0112358, how do you feel internally about being a trans man and bipolar? IDK about everyone else, but even when discussing my orientation or mental illnesses to friends a lot of the disgust and shame was on my end. Not saying other people can't have a bad reaction, but usually I'm the one struggling the most. If this is the case, I think it's also possible potential partners are able to see you differently from how you see yourself. I might have a few marbles missing, but I can cook 😂
  23. I found more resources! Honestly I needed an excuse to dig into my bookmarks bar so thank you for this opportunity: Another free PDF, this time 'Unpacking the Invisible Knapsack' 'when black girls get criticized and white girls get celebrated' 'White Fragility' and a related article A great article about Western charity songs for Africa '15 Major Corporations You Never Knew Profited from Slavery' '11 Black American Icons You Won't Learn About On MLK Jr. Day — But Should' That's all for now folks, feel free to add your own!
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