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the life of the mind

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  1. The answer is all of the above, and yes, you are right, we are nuts because we are smarter than average! But I've had a bit of a distance from the CB's for a while, and I come back with a different perspective on this thread. Why does this test say that older is stupider? I only have to observe my bf's 21-year old brother who is hell bent on pickling his brain from drinking so much hard liquor, and listen to some of the half-baked things that come out of his and his friends' mouths, to say, "Whew! I am SO glad I'm not there anymore!" (no offense you young'uns) It's hard to swallow, but I'm willing to wager a pretty penny that my friends and I were much the same way when we were that age. Plus a 90-year old man just fixed the shower in our new renthouse in our new town in our new state, so I gotta respeck. Would that I would live so long so well! (^that's me, according to the test)
  2. I got the same problem, Sallie21. I don't know what to do about it, I just don't work and am trying to work out a "holistic" treatment plan with my bf. It's difficult. I finally decided to go with the hypomania and not try to "reign it in" because it's not like I can reign it in when I'm depressed. Well, gotta go-- battery is low. More tomorrow. the life of the mind
  3. THANK YOU, SALLIE21!!! I am so glad that you posted. Exactly as you said, I believe that if both of you are willing to honestly give it your best shot, and do the work, then the relationship is worth working on. S- and I both feel this way. I relate it to a song we both know by Liz Phair. Love is nothing, nothing, nothing Like they say You got to pick up the little pieces Every day. I KNOW he knows that relationships take both of you willing to work on things. Another song I relate to is by Wilco (I love music, it explains a lot to me about myself). We used to have a lotta things in common, But you know now we're just the same You always had more than I really wanted Aw honey, help me, Come on honey, help me pick up, Aw honey, help me pick up the change Aw honey, help me, Come on honey, help me pick up, Aw honey, help me pick up the change. You kinda gotta put some thought into this one to understand what it means. Think about it. S- doesn't really listen to Wilco, but I had it playing in my car recently on the way to the grocery store with him. This song got to play, and I could tell it got his attention. It's catchy. Well, anyway, it's just a song. We do have lustiness for each other. That much I know because of the other day. We just weren't having fun, trying too hard to concentrate on our "issues." Another song by Guy Clark-- just a snippet, don't worry-- "There's such a thing as trying too hard." As for my self-worth, I have to work on that too. I had a great sense of self-worth before I got diagnosed-- the grandiosity and all. When I got diagnosed, I kinda took the attitude that everything I'd been doing up to that point was wrong. I was thinking wrong-headedly at THAT point, obviously. But I said it to myself so that I would take the meds and not try to get off of them when I felt better. That part worked. Now I have the task of disentangling that part from the rest of what I lived and felt and breathed in the "before time." It takes work, too, or maybe it doesn't-- I've worked on it for quite a while now. I probably need a different approach. Unfortunately therapy won't be an option for a while. So I try as best I can. I probably need more exercise. S- encourages me to take my dog out, etc. But the self-worth bit also seems a bit irrelevant when you take into the fact that I had a truly bad relationship in college that I kept going back to. He did not want to work on things. He was selfish and uninterested in my life. I finally ridded myself of the bastard once and for all. That is why I said, "I know a prick from a hole in the ground," earlier in this thread. The man I'm dating now does not resemble the other guy. (Except for looks-- odd.) Not in his personality, not in his interest in my life and friends, and he does actually think I'm smart (not so with the first guy-- bastard, like I said before). And obviously he doesn't just want to have me around when he wants sex. He looks up books about how to understand and deal with BP. Anyhoo, I tire of explaining myself to people who don't even know him. And I was being sarcastic when I said that if I do come crying back, I know you guys will still be here for me. (I know you can't tell tone from typing, my bad.) All these knee-jerk reactions (except yours, Sallie21) further reinforce my reluctance to share. I thought that a forum would be a safe place to share my road-bumps because of the anonymity and all. Like Katharine Hepburn wisely said, "Never complain, never explain." Good call, Kathy. Well, back to real life. Let me reinforce, the CB's have helped-- lots of good points. The absolutism is what gets to me. Peace out the life of the mind
  4. Scatty, It's great that you've been together with your man for so long. I have a few things to say about what you wrote plus new developments, but at this point I don't know if it is wise to post them. I doubt whether it is healthy or helpful at this point because I perceive that of those of you who respond to my posts don't seem to have any sense that giving advice gets a little hairy at times. Like I've mentioned before, the truth comes in shades of gray most of the time. I kinda get the impression that the people who post on the CB's believe that they indeed know the "Truth" or the "Way." Kinda like, "Since I have a MI, I know better what people go through, and therefore I can tell them what is right or what is wrong." I don't want to knock the CB's though, so far I love them. I just think that everyone should acknowledge the possibility that their own opinions may have specious aspects now and then. I know what you're thinking-- everyone here has basically said the same thing. I don't want to argue my relationship with any of you. I started this post because I wanted to hear what other people had to say about a situation I've never found myself in before, nor heard of anyone else having. A lot of stuff people said, I've used in convo's with the "dude." While I don't know what has taken effect in his mind, I think that you guys gave me words that I couldn't put my finger on myself. Sometimes if you say the same thing over again, and they don't get it the first couple of times, I think trying to find a different way to say it can trigger something else. I dunno. Now, honestly, I don't do the drama thing since I got on the meds. Not till now, anyway. Boring and eventless suits me fine. Sometimes when I invite new people into my life, though, they like the drama. Since I don't know them as well, I get (got) drawn in before I figured out how to stay a safe distance (the ex/best friend really likes the drama-- she's younger (26) so what can you do). I got diagnosed with BPI, with psychosis, and OCD got added later. My OCD more covers the ground of intrusive thoughts, etc. So I have a jumble of thoughts that sooner or later need to get dealt with. My meds don't do miracles, but they sure help a LOT. Stress stresses me out. Moving to another state, signing up for SSDI, cleaning out 3 (yes, 3-- don't ask) cars to sell, having a horrible mess in my room, the ex/best friend always trying to get me to "help" (read: do) clean up her pit of an apt., people asking me to run errands for them during the day (they ask me a lot) since I "don't have a job," the list goes on... makes me a little bit more than stressed out-- more like overwhelmed, paralyzed. I had a minor meltdown a few nights ago with my dad-- crying those stressed-out tears. I've asked people to help me with this stuff for months or even a year, and people kind of forget that when I ask for help, I need it. The people in my family/life have sortof had the attitude, "You need to do it yourself-- you don't even have a job." Yeah. But since the other night, people have agreed to start helping me with all these pretty major tasks. And I'm NOT going to clean up her apt.-- I gave back the key. I don't have insurance, so I go to a community mental health clinic. I get pretty good care there, but when I asked for therapy, I got short-term (like 3 months). The clinic likes to focus on short-term therapy because in long-term therapy, some sessions don't do any good, anyway. Ok. I hope that better services abound in the new place. The new "developments" bode well I think. Basically I went over there on Sunday to "talk," armed with a few books that offer different perspectives than that Fast book (LSWBP). I also came with a game, one of my favorite games that I've ever played. It's a word game where a series of words that don't go together actually sound out a common phrase. You say the nonsense words out loud over and over until you understand the phrase that you repeated with different emphases every time, making yourself feel and look really goofy. I love it! The "dude" had fun too. He has different pronunciations than most Americans, so he didn't really want to say things out loud over and over. He still liked it though, and I coaxed him into saying the cards out loud about a third of the time. After that we went inside (in from the back porch). I opened up my bag and started giving him little ideas I had about how the different books might be useful, and I told him some ideas about making a modified treatment plan that would work for both of us. Since we'd last talked, though, he'd read some chapters OUT OF ORDER! in the Fast book (which he likes). He read the last chapter, which I had already read and said should've been Chapter 1. The last chapter, Laughter and Joy, talks about setting aside at least one day a week for a "BP-free zone." He texted me that I was right, that should've been the first chapter. So he thought that Saturdays should be the BP-free zones. But since it was Sunday and we didn't get to hang out Sat., we had BP-free day Sunday. We ditched the books and sat on the couch and talked to each other (really talked, not "talked") and had lots of fun and made each other laugh and discussed how smart we thought each other were. And then we had sex. He said having fun with me was a great turn-on. I think so too. We weren't doing that before. I think we each learned our lesson about that. I also think too much togetherness can make things tough. So, things worked out. The CB's helped a hell of a lot, although I don't like the fact that people try to make final judgments about whether I should "stay" or "go." Y'know? When my girlfriends have problems they come to me with, I try to remember how I feel and have felt about what people have said to me in the past. So I try to give communication tips, or point out what he actually may be thinking (guys aren't all bad-- sometimes they are just thinking along different lines), and generally try to help her calm down and quit calling/stressing over it until a reasonable time has passed to see if he calls the next day, saying, I'm sorry I didn't call you last night but my aunt was in a car wreck and I had to go to the hospital (or *whatever*). Or I'm pissed at him too, and vent a little, saying, what a dick! or something. But if she calls two days later and says everything's fine, and she seems to be happy, then I am happy for her. Over time, though, in one instance, my friend kept having the same problem and ending up in a big fight about every three months or so. I was like, Look-- you're having a pattern with this-- you have to talk about the problem instead of forgiving him and getting back together, only to get mad when it keeps happening and you finally have it up to your eyeballs after three months and break up with him again. She never heard of good communication skills like "I" statements, and I told her to write down some things she wanted to say and just read off the card if she needed to. She did and said it worked. I haven't heard her stressing over that problem since then. But I try to still like the guy no matter what (except extreme cases like abuse or cheating, of course) because that is a rational, sane, friendly, civil thing to do. I realize you guys don't know my guy at all. My thing is to not just give feminist advice but also feminine advice. If you think there's something wrong with that, PM me and I'll tell you why I think feminine ethics are just as valid as feminist ones. I find it very interesting. So, after you read all this, then do what your momma told you, if you can't say anything nice... well, then don't bother. Or to put it another way, let's just agree to disagree for now. It's not healthy to argue when neither party is going to change their minds. And please, no posts that say, ok but don't come crying to me.... Because you know damn good and well that if I *do*, you're still going to be here for me. Right? That is how I would be. the life of the mind PS There's no such thing as "right" advice. I've heard a saying once that I'm fond of, "The only kind of advice there is is bad advice."
  5. Hope that Stoli, Shannon, and Iko can be all together when the right time comes. I was wondering if there could be a picture? How can anyone be cruel to pets? They're just innocent little animals. I imagine any owner treating their animals cruelly-- whatever animal it is, mammal, reptile, domestic, wild, fish-- will receive the exact same treatment in hell as they bestowed on those who depended on them. That is exactly what I need to hear.
  6. Happy 31st in 3 days, VE! I, ZZTop, think that replies from you shed the most light of anyone so far. Now I know why they call it the CB's. How did you get to be so cool?

  7. hmm, how thoughtful. apparently you like to follow along silently and throw sand in the eyes of the defeated when it's all said and done. wise. and no, not all brits are repressed. far from it. absolutely fabulous comment, though. not all americans are fat and not all southerners are racist. not all muslims are fascist. not all whiteys are cultured. Basically, i think that the further along in a relationship you are, the less dramatic the issues are going to be (in theory-- provided you somehow can learn to communicate with each other and get to know each other better along the way). i think that you can give in early, move on to something else till things become unpleasant there, too, and move it on down the line again. Wifezilla, I'm asking you because you're a veteran of a long term relationship-- are things, not are things easier now per se (i don't expect things to ever become effortless), but don't you somewhat have a template with your husband for recognizing when it is time to "communicate" in the earnest, we have to get this out of the way before we can go forward, kind of way? It seems to me that my parents do. Their 34th anniversary is the 23rd. So, did your relationship just magically start out with this template? Or didn't you have to go through a lot of issues rather rockily while it was still being forged (and is still being forged even now?) I may be wrong, but i observed over the years that when people split up, they choose not to stick it out, not that the sticking it out choice has been ruled out for them. It's not like my parents haven't had more than their share of issues. When I was growing up they fought like cats and dogs almost every night for a few years. At another time earlier than that, when I was the only one out of my siblings to comprehend what was going on, my dad almost left. I ran out into the driveway when he was leaving for work carrying a drycleaning bag of a couple of suits. I asked him if he was coming back, and he said he didn't know. I said, please come back tonight. I don't know what happened during the day that day, but he did come back. Maybe they were just sticking it out for the kids at that point. But while they were doing that, shit happened and they were there together and they fell deeper in love with each other. That's not the way it happens for everybody, I know. But I think as long as you keep an open heart and open communication lines, you have more of a chance than if you don't. All I'm saying is that I for one don't expect things to be "easy" (like my grandparents had it after being married for 64 years) right off the bat. If that means a little drama, inadvertantly making a scene, who gives a damn? The crowd and waitstaff at that tapas place has not a thought in their mind of me excusing myself and walking out trying to suck up sobs, and no doubt will they ever think of the day again, not just me but what they ate and what wine they drank and whom they talked shit about who wasn't there. I live my life, they theirs. I don't give a damn. They probably don't either. If I had a daughter my age who by some wormhole in the universe had a situation like this, and she'd gone through a day like mine yesterday that ended with the "scoundrel" making the call s. did at the end of the night, I hope to god she wouldn't ask me what to do. I didn't ask my mom. I know how much this ol' heart of mine can take, and I know what I have to do so it won't kill me for the rest of my life. I talked with him cheerily about each and every conversation I'd had that day, from my buddhist friend at the bookstore with me, to my phone call with my funky best friend, to the phone call with my BPD friend. I like posting on the CB's all my drama. Because you can read or not read, and if it is dramatic to you, then you don't have to let it interfere with your life. Whereas if you were in the middle of the street where I was screaming and yelling outside of a bar (or pub, if you are so lucky to be in the UK) or something (which I haven't done since I was diagnosed), then I would be interfering with your life, and you could mutter "Draa-mah!" under your breath to your pals all you want. And we would all be getting what we want-- a show. *Deep sigh*. Much better now. Back to the two year old, whose daddy just came and gave me a break for an hour and now she's wiped out and napping. Yea for the deadbeat dad coming through for the widdwle grrl. Which means I can go sit on the porch and soak up some Southern early spring sun.
  8. as in, breathe in, breathe out, repeat? probably as good as any other, as long as you keep taking the pharmaceuticals to pay for your priviledge to exist in a capitalist society based on the religion of consumerism. and keep smoking to pay for your death. edited to delete quote from previous response that wasn't intended. by lotm.
  9. Oh yes. totally avoid talking to her. I did call her last night and leave a teary voicemail-- hey, it's me, the drama queen. call me back if you're not involved in anything. Then i called MY best friend (where the hell has she been this whole time?-- in another town, in school, in love (with a single dad), working, sleeping, probably having sex,... you know. we are best friends anytime, but we both get involved with other stuff) and expected to leave a similarly blubbery voicemail on her phone. But instead she picked up, "Hello," and with that one single word I sniffed up my tears and felt so silly for about to be launching in on the drama spiel in my head. It was all ok, my girl is here for me. i explained as needed, but nothing seemed so horrible as I thought. Not that she didn't empathize-- she just knows me since the "before time," and her opinion of me hasn't changed. One of the few people in my life who is like that. The one thing I remember her saying is that, "I'm not trying to say he's a bad person, I just hate seeing you like this. You've been miserable for months." Oh, how warm is the light of day on my face. *** I wish the saga ended there. I hung up with her with the words, "Tomorrow is going to be great. I will wake up single." Then another friend of mine called who I'd been blowing off for a few days. But it turns out she needed it (how cute is that little guy!). I was recently instrumental in getting her diagnosed as Bipolar II, which I thought she was. She is actually borderline, but last night I was like, "Aren't you glad I told you you were bipolar, though?" So, I say she needed blowing off because I got her away from depending on her poor ex who'd been taking care of her and her 6-year old daughter till the point he was neglecting himself and couldn't take anymore. So she leaned on me for a couple of weeks, which is fine with me because I know that it wouldn't be forever. So in my time of wrapped up in my own shit, her therapist (unorthodox drill sargeant, imo) told her to not call me in the middle of a panic anymore. Just wait until she calms down. Cool. I already had figured out that if I didn't answer the phone the first time, the fire would burn itself out, blah blah blah. So we talked about that, and I'm only going on about this to get to the point when the call waiting beeped in.... Yeah. You know it. The uncommunicative (ha-- my best friend made me laugh-- she said, "He's so into psychology and stuff, he should know that when someone asks you something you don't just not respond. You have to at least be social. ) emotionally repressed person on the line. Earlier last night, i texted him when i knew he was on the way to soccer practice, "If u r interested, go to crazyboards.org under the relationships-crazy for loving you topic, the topic i posted is i must be high to say goodbye, my username is the life of the mind." I'd mentioned that i found this place back about when i first got on it. Later he told me that he went here, but couldn't find me. I was like, whew! He said he found lots of cool other info like side effects of meds and stuff. So I switched over and said "Hello?" I think he expected to find me still in sobbing mode. He sounded a little surprised to hear me ok. I said, "What's going on?" like I always ask everybody. He said he just finished reading this (board? topic? forum? I don't know the diff) conversation. So I asked him if there were any more posts after my last one and he said, no. Lotm was the last one. Yours was the last one. I said, "Oh. Did you like my big giant potato comment?" So anyway, mr. no talky talky asked if i wanted to come over tomorrow night and talk about stuff. I said, "Like what?" He said, "Like where we want our relationship to be going." I said, "Oh. Tomorrow night?" I have a one-day/week nanny gig for my friend's little girl for 14 hours (I'm here now, will be done at 8). I said, "I won't be done until 8, and you're usually winding down by then. Are you sure Saturday during the day won't be better?" Pretty much quoting him word for word about the winding down part (part of one of his reasons in the email), and also his friend told me that he said every time i tried to talk to him was "bad timing." de-de-dee. Ok, then, dumbass, say, "This ain't such a great time babe. Can we pick this back up ____?" She told me, say, "When is a good time for us to talk?" And I said he picks a time like three days later. So she said, say, when is a good time tomorrow for us to talk? Too little too late. So he comes back and offers to talk tomorrow (which is today) at a time he's already said is bad for him. Sweet offer. No reason to be in such a rush, though, I think. So Saturday, midday, we agreed to talk again Saturday sometime on the phone and arrange whatever else. Great. Loverly. Good. Until Saturday, though, I am single and will devote not a thought towards this boy and whatever he might be thinking/going through. That is for him to think about. I will think about how happy I am today and how beautiful and sharp and smart this little two year old girl is that will probably come snuggle up to me in a little bit. She likes to massage your hand while she's sleeping. Ok, bring on the response-- lotm
  10. Vomit. Was that video praising the book or did it somehow turn objective/critical. I could not even listen to the first woman say anything more than the first sentence out of her mouth. if he's not that into you, you will know because his friends will start to call you psycho-bitch and you will feel like you are a giant moldy potato sitting at the table or wherever you happen to be stalking him at the moment. I am almost 30. I know a prick from a hole in the ground. He's just fucked up. Why does that make him a loser? Am I a loser too? Yes. I am. Because I am not looking inward for answers. I am looking everywhere else and am on the computer all damn day and can't even throw a load of laundry in to wash while i'm doing it. My buddhist friend told me today that i was going to be alright. it is true, but that was the first i'd heard of it for a long time.
  11. Yes, that is simple. what is most certainly NOT simple is why he can't say the nice things to me although he obviously cares a hell of a lot. i can tell, but that's not enough for me. my mind reading machine only runs rickety some of the time, and other times not at all. he cares he cares he cares he cares. he just doesn't care about himself. and i don't care about myself. so it's no good. there aint nothin wrong with him except what's wrong with all the rest of us on here. except he's not on here and he doesn't know where to look for when i'm trying to communicate with him. because i told him on the first night i met him that i was bipolar. only because i thought it was safe-- i asked him what brought him to the states and he said his dad is a mental health nurse and a hospital here wanted to hire him to try to incorporate some of GB's more humane approaches to mental health care. and he said his brother was bipolar. so i burst out with my diagnosis. won't ever make that mistake again with anyone. so he doesn't know me from my symptoms and he never will be able to make that decision because he never will know me without knowing me to have symptoms. vicious. love is viscious and so is everyone that thinks they know about it. "At night the ice weasels come." yes they do.
  12. Uh-huh. I guess that Loving Someone With Bipolar Disorder book I'd file under that category too. How is making that effing list going to help me feel better about myself so maybe I MIGHT get off my duff and do stuff that makes my life better. I hate myself and wanna die-- the phrase going thru my head when I got home from the tapas place a while ago. not literally. i just hate myself and wanna crawl into a hole in the ground and never come out. Incidentally, i've never ever hated myself before-- not even in junior high or in the depths of dark psychosis (actually i was a goddess then)
  13. Yep, as it turns out, a self-fulfilling prophecy. I should have known better, I practically saw it coming from the beginning.
  14. no, he doesn't want to have sex, he just wants to tell his best friend how much he loves me and thinks i'm brilliant and have such a high iq and am wonderful. he just doesn't want to say any of that to ME. She (his best friend) told me NOT to read he's just not that into you because it oversimplifies things and is a load of crap. i went to the bookstore today and read parts of all the books i could find on the shelf whose titles i related to. He's Scared, She's scared was the closest one to what i see w/ s. I think dr. phil is a goober head and i don't watch him. speaking of carpal tunnel, whats his name has it because he had to work in a factory to help pay the bills while he was married and in college and she didn't want to do anything but lay on the couch. so now his, um, dexterity is limited.... His best friend also says that in a lot of ways i'm probably reminding him of her-- free spirited, outgoing, etc. which is what is different from what he is. and i have been laying on the couch. he told me again that wasn't a turnon (when i spouted off that he can't blame the lack of intimacy on me) because he already had an ex wife that did that. while he paid all the bills and took care of the house and cleaned and took care of the pets. I said, it's not like-- well, I don't live here. You have your own house. he didn't have anything to say about that. I was just at a tapas place with his best friend and she said, i think that you're just not happy with (my name) right now. and he's not happy with him, either. and it made me cry and i had to leave and have my friend go back in and get my stuff. it's over anyway, he's not the kind of man i want if he can't say nice things to me even though he thinks them. his best friend says, he doesn't have any more issues or pain than anyone else, he just balls it all up inside and represses it. i said that is a total british thing to do-- which is where he is from, so i guess it's just a cultural thing.
  15. Hello! I have a question for Wifezilla-- You said a few years ago you were on the verge of leaving your hubby. I was just wondering, did you still have an interest in having sex with him during this time? I don't mean offense, like being snide, I was just curious. still more troubles in guyville. at the moment am too stressed to post about it, but if i could i'm sure i would benefit from you guys' thoughts. It's just too hectic!
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