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Rhetorical disease

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  1. Hi, I don't remember too much about my 2 week stay, but if I wrote it all down, it would be a small book I think. I still feel jangly about it a month and a half later and I guess that the worst part is wondering if/when it will happen again. Normal? They did so many tests on me and I only remember one - the EEG, for some reason. Don't remember visitors, like best friends (2! and lucky to have em), brother, or docs and nurses. They say that I'd been mumbly, unstable on my feet before roommate called 911, then still for the first two days, then talkative and friendly the rest of the time. All of the tests were normal, or "unremarkable", so they worried instead me falling. They still want me to use a cane or walker. Ha - I'm only 54 ffs. I also have a whole set of weird symptoms that no one has been able to explain, and again, lots of Dr's and tests. A smaller set are eye/perceptual problems almost like an acid or mushroom trip, but definitely not fun. Immediately have to be really careful not to hurt myself because my balance goes to hell. Sometimes I have to crawl and even so, I faceplant into the floor and cut and bruise myself all over on a regular basis. Sound familiar to anyone? I've experienced illusions and hallucinations (auditory and visual) on a pretty regular basis, but no delusions. None of any of them are predictable though, with no patterns or common triggers (hate that damn word, except when nothing else works so efficiently!). My pdoc took me off lithium (had been 60mg. I reach toxic pretty easily), upped my lamictal from 200 to 400, upped latuda from 60 to 80 + 40 in the morning, then added requip. The rest of my meds in signature. I don't really know what I'm saying or asking, but I've pretty stable since I've been home. I'm having mood swings but attribute most of it to med changes, but the zoomy mixed and maybe manic states are scary now. I feel like I just really need some conversation about it all, and friends aren't open to any of it. They can't handle it, but I think I barely get it myself, and worse because I remember so little before, during or after. I was conscious and remember a few days, but that's it. Stop! I won't say another word now, period. Thanks for reading, RD
  2. Thanks everybody. I can't find how to reply to each message though...I do take Latuda, Lithium, Lamictal, but no SSri. I can't look at my post because I'm sick of saying the same old story. Bah, and embarrassment. But I'm really really glad that I got responses and hope that whomever reads your posts takes some comfort, too.
  3. Hey, No need to reiterate anything that jt said, but I have a few things to say + questions. You're not a liar! Your pdoc will understand your strategy and he/she should understand your fears. It sounds like you came up with a great strategy that worked for you. What I didn't understand about meds is that they take it slow and easy these days. If anything, I wish they'd work their magic quicker. Don't worry and take it at a pace you feel comfy with. You mentioned not being able to take long naps - I've napped with young ones and it's very refreshing! You've taken on some big changes and your new road will have bumps. But those roads never stay smooth for anyone for any length of time. Do take JT's suggestion and try therapy. You can quit or find a new therapist if it's not working. But being able to spew and rant is very important to my mental health! You're still in charge of you. Chances are that you'll come up with another strategy that works for you, and change it again if necessary. You've taken on a hell of a lot of changes. I'll be thinking about you - Breathe! and take care... RT
  4. Very interesting, Kristen! Thanks for sharing this info with us. Woodpecker sounds spot on and sorry to hear that it can hurt so much. I've heard of tms and read some on it years ago, but really have nothing to say but questions. Forgive or ignore me if I ask too many now. How was your treatment plan chosen? Are there others with greater/lesser frequency and length? Did they talk to you much about tms in general? And in your specific case? When you're finished, how do they determine if you need another treatment plan? Thanks again for telling us about your experience. RT
  5. Hi all, (this thread is Cheese's fault!) About a year and a half ago I was diagnosed with cancer. Having been suicidal all my life, this was my big chance to check out and avoid all the usual problems of suicide. Then it turned out that I was going to kick it pretty fast and it would have been ugly. I chickened out and went for chemo! So there. And I'm still learning lessons from it. The feelings still linger in different forms. I need physical therapy because the chemo wrecked my body and because I slept at least 16 hours a day. I was also on psych meds for the first time since a Zanax disaster in college. Now diagnosed manic depressive I started on the med quest and vacillated between cancer worry and mind worry. Problem now is that I have a hard time committing to anything in therapy - mind and body. Their interconnectedness is the real problem. I need the motivation to exercise, walk and I just can't pull it together with any consistency. Yay! for 2 days, fuck it for 3, etc, etc. 2 days may be better than none, but that masks the fact that good old suicide is lurking in the background. Why bother? You'll never amount to anything (I'm 52!), there's no point, you're no good at anything anyway, you're a joke. This seesaw back and forth, or progress a little then fall back. It's all the same old story, but with added weight. I don't really want to know what scares me most, what has driven the choices I've made, why relationships have failed, what I love and won't go towards or why. I am feeling better these days. I have a good med cocktail that keeps me stable (so far) and I have a good relationship with my therapist. I attend a weekly group too, and we all have a really nice, special feeling for each other. I'm really lucky for all of these and I'm pretty sure that I'd be a real mess without them. And you guys. I've never said much, but I do read like crazy and you've made me feel all kinds of feelings - laughter, sadness, affinity, pissed, etc. I really look forward to some time here everyday if I can. This is where I am now anyway. RD
  6. Hi there, This may be a silly question, but I want to put a "Don't Panic" patch on a hat and wonder if people would be offended. It comes from Douglas Adams books and the movie of Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy, which I love. It's intended in all sincerity for the various characters traveling through space. I love it in general too and the spirit of it has helped me for years. Please advise and thanks, ~RD
  7. Thanks again Molecat Exactly - I'm not sure how to gauge moods. Your approach is simple and makes a lot of sense to me. Very much appreciated.
  8. Thanks, Phoenix Re moods, I was just wondering if moods are the things we accept vs a needed med change. My mood range and repertoire has changed significantly due to meds, but everyone has moods, so... Probably over-thinking it. I have been working with a therapist since my dx. It definitely helps. I also go to a process group every week - also really helpful.
  9. Hi Chris, I'm getting 2 senses from you: The title of your post implies (to me) that the shadow is a part of you + you know that the main part of you lost so much weight and pushed people away. The other sense is that the shadow IS you. Could it be that this new part of you is just burying the main or other parts of you? If so, does the main part of you act like a light at the end of the tunnel, or could it? You have to remember who you were before 20 months ago. I'd definitely go for a med change. Meds are the only thing that's pulled me out of the shithole, as I call it. I'm 51, btw and get why that matters. All my best to you, RD
  10. Thanks Molecat - I do get that it's a rollercoaster, but bumpier. Makes sense. I guess we're the same in that we dip into depressions more often. Defining what's normal is exactly what I mean! Thanks for giving me a quick and precise way to say it. I'm confused about mood though - do you mean that moods are part of the new normal? RD
  11. Hi, I've been pretty stable on my meds for a while, but am not sure if my depressed state is normal or not. I have bipolar I and was only diagnosed a year ago (I'm in my 50's). I feel so new to all of this, especially not having extreme highs and lows. Also, I've had med adjustments all through the year. I used to spend most of my time in mixed states or depression, punctuated by periods of mania, so pdoc has been working to get rid of my depressions. I know I'm depressed - little motivation, want to sleep more (but don't), the general blah feeling, and I don't have the excuse of winter either. I live in a high desert and the temps have been in the 60's to 70's and perfectly blue and beautiful. It's really more than the blahs, with the usual head spinning threads of gunk and bunk and bullshit. I know I'm a malcontent and that it may not go away. I've read here about breakthrough lows and highs, but I guess I just don't understand it yet. What do I need to expect? Thanks a lot, RD
  12. brynna, Your post sounds like a very abbreviated version of a long story. Thanks for writing it. I too come from a widely crazy family and it's very fortunate that you're supporting each other. Welcome! RD
  13. Nobody posting for the holidays?? K, I don't want to ruin them for friends or myself (won't be seeing family), so either none or very few. Still haven't decided. I only drink about 2 times a month, so waiting isn't a big deal. Wouldn't really call it waiting. I think stress builds up, then I decide to drink and too often to excess. I feel no stress about this holiday run - mostly because no family to deal with. Just make some good food for my best friend and roommate. His bday is Christmas Eve too. What I'm hoping for is just warmth, comfy clothes, colored lights, some movies and lotsa food.
  14. Because I say - Uh Huh, right on - to everything you guys have already said. Because I'm just too old to keep doing the same thing over and over and over. Because my body just can't take it anymore. Because I started on a new path a year ago - taking meds and having a pdoc and tdoc. How the hell can I really tell if this stuff is helping me? Because it's a crazy cycle - fall in the hole, drink, lose a few days, feel total shame, try to climb out of the hole, a few days pass and I'm feeling better, feel good for several days, fall in a hole, drink - repeat, repeat, repeat... Because everything about it is ridiculous.
  15. Thanks everybody! Switching soon sounds like the best course. I'm typically a coward (about anything in general) but I see my tdoc today and might as well give the topic a shot.
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