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About VictimOfReality

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    North Carolina
  • Interests
    Motocross, exercise, learning, music, guitar, college basketball, fixing things and understanding how things work.

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  1. I recently started taking Lamictal and I noticed a difference. I would get sad rather than depressed. I am only on 150 mg a day. Do to recent life events I think it is time for an increase.
  2. I am sorry I put this in the wrong forum, I am pretty worked up and I didn't really know where to post this issue. I know his pdoc so if push comes to shove I can say something to him. I know my friend would be pissed at me but I would have a hard time living with myself if I knew about this and didn't do anything about it. You guys are right, if he's committed then he's going to do it and all I can do is support him and let him know how much our friendship means to me. I am going to hang out with him tomorrow. I am kind of afraid to bring it up but maybe I can have a 5 minute conversation about it. He did admit to me he would tell me if he felt like he was going to do it but I am not to sure I believe him. Thanks guys. Your support helps greatly as usual.
  3. One of my friends today told me that he is a month away from killing himself. He said he would tell me if he felt like he was going to kill himself but I don't believe him. He suffers from major depression, anxiety, and has attempted suicide more than once. He told me he doesn't want to tell his doctor because he doesn't want to go back to the hospital. He has been so many times and it doesn't help him. He is in is 30's and has had a rough life. I wont go into details but life never has been easy for him. Right now he is on disability and copes with substance abuse which I can tell he fells guilty about. I can kind of relate to not wanting to go to the hospital. I have been three times and it didn't really help me. Him and I deal with some similar issues but I am not suicidal. I have no idea what to do. My high school best friend said the same thing to me and sure enough a month later he killed himself. I can't accept the fact that there is nothing I can do. I am currently dealing with my own issues and doing a decent job staying functional, but I feel like I want to drop everything and figure out something to do to help him. Is there anyone out there that can help me and give me advice. I know I can't force him to get help but there has to be something else I can do, I can't deal with another friend committing suicide. I am going to talk to my therapist about it as well. I was just hoping someone could tell me something to ease my mind.
  4. Hey Indigo, I can relate to the OCD, paranoia, anxiety, and a state of constant panic. I Had to drop out of the current semester because my symptoms were destroying me emotionally. I work, but part time. 3.5 to 4 hours a night. Most of the time I am extremely paranoid at work. All day I think about, will I have a panic attack at work tonight and suffer from paranoia the entire time? Are you doing any therapy? Do you read about your issues? Try paranoidthoughts.com. I go on there and try to run through the coping skills and questions they tell you to ask yourself to relieve paranoia. I am new to fighting all these negative, intrusive, paranoid thoughts fueled by anxiety and paranoia. At this point in time I can't control it. When the fear comes my mind goes in overdrive and analyzes everything in a negative way. Okay but anyway my advice (which you probably are already doing) is take meds, try therapy (find what form of therapy that works for you and a therapist you like and can trust which is hard with the paranoia, I know). Practice your coping skills, even when they aren't working. It takes time, I am no where near getting control of this either. But at the end of the day we can learn to cope with these things and live life. My therapist told me about a Schizophrenic patient he knew that, with time, was about to manage his illness and start his own business helping others with Schizophrenia. That gives me hope that even though right now I feel like it's impossible, some day I can cope with this and be a productive member of society. I hope I helped at least a little. Right now I am very anxious because I have to go to work in a couple of hours and I have no idea if my paranoia is going to ruin my night or not. Hang in there man and keep fighting.
  5. Yes, I am taking my meds and seeing a therapist. My pdoc and therapist both know I am having a hard time accepting my illness. I was talking to my therapist yesterday that maybe I should try a med adjustment. I have tried so many. It's just frustrating and it has really ruined my quality of life. I have to learn to live life on life's terms. What makes it difficult is when your family expects you to act like a normal person all the time. Reality is I can't, I am disabled. So that's a constant struggle.
  6. My collection of mental illnesses has been controlling me my entire life. Bi polar being the predominate one. Episodes of depression that last months but mostly years. Episodes of hypomania, when I act like a complete asshole. The worse are the moments of feeling numb. I have terrible social skills so I have lost most my friends, I can't hold a job, I continuously embarrass myself in college, and no one wants me around. My mind racing, always thinking of what people think of me. Am I repulsive? Am I a gigantic asshole? Why do people treat me like I am some sort of idiot? The pain that has been burning inside of me for quite some time has now become unbearable, words can't even describe. Hanging onto hope like I am holding a rope as I hang from a cliff. At 26 I can't live on my own or manage school and a part time job. I play denial everyday because all I want is to be normal. Reality is that this is going to follow me for the rest of my life. People will always treat me like a child or as if I am a moron. I will always be odd, I will always see the world differently than "normal" people. I wish people would see me as who I really am, a compassionate, understanding, and nice guy instead of seeing me as mentally ill. I have realized life will always be about survival and not the pursuit of happiness. It's very unlikely that love will ever cross my path. All I can do is try my hardest to stand up for myself and have an ounce of self-respect, feeling alone in a normal world. I just needed somewhere to let my feelings out. I hope someday I will feel better but I know I have a long bumpy road ahead of me that has a high chance of failure. Sorry if my post is hard to read. I can't tell if I can structure sentences together to create something conceivable.
  7. Everyone reacts to these things differently so take the advice of drinking a little alone in a safe place before doing it in public.
  8. Welcome to the forum. You will also find some great support here.
  9. Thank you all for your suggestions. I am a new Bi Polar but I do understand the importance of structure for me. Right now it's my summer vacation and I am struggling to find a job so there is very little structure in my day and I am not doing well. Much thanks to Odetta for the insight from someone who has experienced exactly what I am trying to get into. Thanks for the waking up suggestions. I do those things as well, but I am currently in an episode of deep depression and anxiety. In the morning my thoughts and mood are very negative. Getting out of bed is a real challenge for me right now. I can see how my mood swings would be problematic for project based work. It wouldn't be a big deal for me to change my major. I am a transfer with my general education classes completed. If I decide to change again I have to think long and hard about what I am going to do. The decision to go for engineering was rather impulsive and I was hypomanic/manic at the time, I didn't consider a lot of things. Even though I know my diagnosis, I am still making mistakes and adjusting to accepting my Bi Polar.
  10. I would just like suggestions from fellow Bi Polars on jobs that suite us Bi Polar people. I mean career wise including a college education. I am going to school for Electrical/Computer Engineering at the moment, I enjoy the math. If I am successful at getting the degree I would try to get more of a desk job where I am given projects or problems. I work best in that environment. But some of the symptoms of Bi Polar Disorder might get in the way, for example coming in on time (a problem I have because I am not a morning person on my medication). Another cool career I would be interested in would be Architectural Drafting. The problem is that my passion is in music. I worked on a Bachelors in Music for 2 years until I began to realize finding work with that degree would be hard. I could also use my engineering degree to do something in the music industry. I wouldn't mind being a gear tech, you need to have a good understanding of electrical circuits. That's my plan at the moment. I would like to brainstorm backup plans in case things don't work out for me. Thanks everyone!
  11. I spent a lot of time going over in my head thinking why that happened to me that day and I came to 2 conclutions. 1) I was hypomanic or manic when I was there so I am sure I was acting a little odd. I think they picked up on the fact that I was mentally ill and used my illness against me to get rid of me. 2) Because I was hypomanic or manic I was acting odd, possibly as if I was on drugs. So maybe they though I was on drugs at the time. I have talked about it a lot with my therapists and phsychiatrists over the past year and a half. That was not the right way to deal with me even if I was on drugs. If they believed I was mentally ill they couldn't fire me for that so they used it against me to break me down un til I would leave. They won. I am still working on it with my psychologist. To problem solve my issue of unemployment I decided to work with vocational rehab to help find a part time job while I attend school. I have been trying the past few months to get a job and it's discuraging. I start with them July 16th, so I have hope they can help me find a simple part time job. I am more than cababile to do plently of jobs, as long as people leave me alone. I am an easy target, and I don't handle it will yet.
  12. pentapox, I am stuck in the crisis phase still. But I have been successful in the past so I know I can do it again and continue to grow once I get over the idea of being mentally ill. I am trying to train myself to realize I am a human being that's having a hard time, not a human being with a mental illness. My mental illness does not define me, there are other positive values I have to offer that are not related to my mental illness. It's just that right now my mind is stuck on seeing everything negative and difficult. I am working on it with my Psychologist. I would like to take a DBT or CBT classes but I can't find any in my area. I have been reading The Feeling Good Handbook which describes CBT and how to use it. I like what you have in your signature, "[diagnosis] depends on what doc you ask really, I don't take dx seriously." I can learn from that, I should stop focusing on the label. I have always been pretty hard on myself so your advise to be gentle is a good idea. I had a therapist once tell me I take things too seriously, I should learn to relax a little. Something for me to work on. I also understand there is not instant cure and that medication, therapy, and taking care of yourself are just pieces of the puzzle to managing your illness. hamster, You are right about bullying, everyone deals with it at some point in their life. It didn't used to bother me too much most my life but since that first anxiety attack, bullying usually triggers an anxiety attack. It gets pretty frustrating. I understand anxiety can be managed pretty easily because I had it well under control for a while. I felt confident in social situations. It does take a positive state of well being and practice to achieve it. I am studying engineering right now. I have average intelligence but have a pretty strong work ethic so I believe I can do it as long as I learn to manage these anxiety attacks and regain my self-esteem. Thanks for the advice guys, it's a big help. It's also nice to know that I am not alone.
  13. I have a problem I would like to seek advise on. I will try to tell my story as short as possible, any advice is greatly appreciated. I have suffered social anxiety all my life and now at 26 years old it has manifested into social phobia that is severally effecting my quality of life. Most my life I haven't had any serious problems with relationships or making friends. When I was 20 my illness (not knowing what it was at the time) drove me to abuse pot for about 2 years, then turned to alcohol abuse for a little while. When I turned 24 I cut it out because I was sick of being fat, and of the guilt that came with my inappropriate way of dealing with my problems. Once I quit, I worked out and lost the weight and my depression seemed to bother me a lot less. Until this one day when I was 25. I was working for a good company making a decent income for a 25 year old who is a college drop out. I was happy with my job but I was laid off because I had an allergy to a product they produced. Surprisingly I didn't let it bother me even though I was unemployed for 5 months stuck living with my parents. Stick with me here I am getting to the point... I eventually landed an even better job and after working there for 2 months I was offered an even better job for an even better company that I decided to take. This had me feeling pretty good, and my anxiety was managed. Now what ended up happening at this new job changed my life completely. While in training, there was this one day where majority of the people in the training started mocking me and making fun of me which triggered my first anxiety attack. Ever since that day my anxiety and anxiety attacks have taken over my life. Along with all sorts of diagnosis. I have been diagnosed by different doctors with bipolar disorder, schizoaffective, OCD (thought form), GAD, social anxiety, social phobia along with my already known illnesses of depression and ADHD. So I am left wondering what the hell do I have? I don't believe the schizoaffective diagnosis. Most doctors threw the bipolar diagnosis at me, so I believe I am bipolar, along with ADHD, possibly OCD (thought form), GAD, social anxiety, and social phobia. The continuous bullying I have been experiencing since that day along with the loss of majority of my friends, my social phobia and anxiety attacks have become debilitating. I am trying to go back to college, which I am doing well except for the bullying I get from people much younger than me. I am struggling to find a part time job. It's summer vacation, I am living with my parents and I have no money to go anywhere or any friends to hang out with. My anxiety and depression have taken control of my life and I feel really guilty about being lazy and what have you. I am making an effort to get a job and to help my illness, but my illness just keeps winning. I do have a Psychologist and Psychiatrist I am working with but I wanted to know if anyone who has any advise for me to help me get out of this rut and move on with my life. Maybe someone out there has had a time where their illness took control but was able to over come it and could give me advise. I am stuck and really frustrated with my self, but I have hope some how. Thank you for reading.
  14. Nirvana, I am right there with you. I had a bad bullying experience at a job and it turned my whole world upside down. It has been a year and a half and I still have anxiety attacks whenever someone bullies me because my mind is triggered back to that horrible day. My selfesteem is crushed and I have lost most my friends. I am left feeling lonely and insercure in my mid twenties and it's like I have to start all over again. Doesn't sound like bullying toughened me up. You got to learn what works for you. I am struggling to find what works for me. I build myself-esteem up and then I have an anxiety attack and it's back to sqaure one. Talking to someone about it helps, though it is hard to find someone to trust when having this problem. But at the end of the day it's best to find your own way to deal with bullying. If you get there before me, let me know what works for you.
  15. I hope to feel better some day.

    1. M@ri


      me too! have a good day!

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