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chickenonaraft12

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About chickenonaraft12

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    eey-oooohh.... oyy-oooh...

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  1. THIS. When I'm in that state (my last REALLY low point being about this time last year...being one phone call away from calling a cab to take me to the hospital)...it's just that you want it to stop. And nothing else is working. The ONLY continuously sucessful method I've used to a) keep myself from doing something stupid and b) to try and get out of "that spot' is to think about how would the world be different with me gone? Not just gone, but having taken my own life. How will my mom and siblings react? How would my friends, distant and uncaring as they seem to be in my head, react? Who would take care of my cat (a really grouchy senior cat-- the type that would have a really difficult time finding a new home)? With me gone, will it place an extra financial burden on my roommate who will have to be responsible for the entire cost of rent and utilities until new living situations were figured out? Funerals are really expensive. Do I really want to put that financial burden on my (already grieving) mother? What would my friends from church and Bible study think-- would they feel guilt that they didn't try to help me more when I reached out for help? I hold quite a few responsibilties at work-- with me gone, who will cover those duties? We're in one of our busiest seasons...and with me not there it just increases the workload on my coworkers that is already too much for them to handle at times. (etc.......) It's kind of a morbid train of thought, and it can be easy to dismiss initially to think "Yeah, nobody would miss me. They'd probably be relieved they don't have to put up with me anymore." But I like to try and find logical reasons how my intentional death would affect the ones closest to me in their every-day lives. I always try to put feelings aside when thinking about this kind of stuff because I know my feelings can change drastically depending on how low I am. I really try and seek out logical reasons why my presence is valuable to the world... or, rather, how bad my absence would affect those around me. Now, thinking about these things never "fixes" my problems. I still remain depressed (most times). But that kind of thinking is what keeps me from going *too* far into desperate thoughts.
  2. Thank you both for your answers! Still trying to figure out the timing aspect (i.e. how late can I take it without suffering sleep loss). But everything else has gone pretty smoothly
  3. I was on 15 mg of Adderall IR twice a day, but was getting really bad crashes in between dosages. I literally felt like a drug addict.... the only time I felt "normal" was when I had it in my system. So I talked with my pdoc and he switched me to 30 mg of Adderal XR once in the morning. Today was my first day on it (after having been off of the IR tablets for over 2 months now...). 1. On average, how long does it take for the meds to start working? I know the IR started working almost immediately (for me anyways). 2. How many hours of "alertness" should I be prepared for? Like, how late in the morning would be considered "too late" to take it? (I know sleep schedules vary, so that's why I figured I'd ask for an approximate amount of time I should prepare to be unable to sleep). I also am on a low dosage of Xanax just to calm down my brain enough to fall asleep at night (which works like a charm for me), so I don't know if that would help wind me down at the end of the day as well? 3. Have any of you switched from IR pills to XR pills? I'm on the same dosage of the med, it's just a difference of how many pills I take during the day. Did any of you notice changes in how the medication helped with concentration? Other than my 'crashes' in between dosages, the drug REALLY helped improve my concentration. I was really amazed and how... "present" I actually was during conversations and lectures and such, so I don't want to lose those benefits. The reason I ask is because I'm starting a new job on Friday and I want to be prepared in case something funky goes on while my body is getting used to the meds.
  4. I noticed a significant increase in my mood as well once I started adderall in addition to prozac and wellbutrin. No idea why that would be... maybe having better focus helps me feel more in control of stuff? Idk. I am just glad it works.
  5. One of my best friends told me flat out "ADD doesn't exist"... she thinks she knows everything b/c her mom is a doctor (OBGYN). That made me really mad. So I've just stopped talking about it with her. At least she's supportive of depression/EDNOS.
  6. I have my own "code words" so to speak that I started using in high school. I've never outright told anyone what they mean, but have always secretly hoped that the people who actually cared would figure it out based on general body language/tone of voice, etc. "Decent." A nicer term than saying "surviving" or "alive" ... since enough people know me well enough by now to take those too literally. I save those "code words" for days that I'm REALLY not well. Like, the days I've considered admitting myself to the hospital b/c of suicidal thoughts. When I used to work fast food, if a customer asked me how I was doing (after having said it to them when they walk up to the register), many times I'd say something along the lines of "I'll be a lot better in about 45 minutes..." (when I was scheduled to leave). That usually got a chuckle from them. But that way I could at least get across to someone something other than the standard, meaningless "I'm fine" or "I'm ok"... I'm really big about trying to be as honest as possible... but without feeling like I'm unloading all my problems on everyone I come across. Although, right now, I don't have too many people in my life who I feel comfortable talking with about depression (in person, anyways). I wish I had the guts to tell at least some of my close friends/family members that I trust what I meant when I use my "code words"... then they could catch on without having to make a big deal about it, in public anyways. Guess I'm just too chicken... (Guess I chose my username well lol)
  7. I'm already feeling burned out at my job, and I've only been here since late february... and I think it's mainly because a) I've been working really hard and seeing very little result and b) there's been a lot of drama and I am not good at blocking out other people's negative energies. I worked 50 hours last week... and yet it felt like a marathon. 3 12-hour days, 1 4-hour day, and 1 8-hour day... with all the negative energy swirling around... I just feel dead. And I get to back tomorrow morning!!!! Yipee! (ugh..) Thankfully I set aside time to book an appointment with my therapist. Since starting this new job I've had real trouble setting aside a time to actually meet with her. So she knows like NONE of all this crazy stuff going on. It's been like over a month since I've last spoken to her. I know I am not lazy. I work very hard. Yet I can't help but feel pathetic that I feel THIS drained after what most people would consider just a normal work week. Now I know most people don't deal with mental illness and aren't as sensitive to negativity and other people's stress as I am... but still. I can't seem to get calm enough to just be still. My mind is just clouded with too much negativity for that to happen. If only I had like a valve to let loose some of the things inside my head. That would make life so much simpler..
  8. I restrict eating (not underweight enough to qualify as "anorexic" though), and I have a question for anyone who is trying to get better or already has. I'm also not a calorie counter or a health nut. I just have "my foods" that I restrict, and "safe foods" that I usually can eat (which could be takeout pizza or ice cream loaded with calories,..). (just giving background information so people know what foods I actually DO eat, which is most things...when restricting, it's usually an all or nothing deal) One of my biggest problems is that if I go through a restricting phase, hunger comes across as nausea. If I get rid of the nausea I'm able to eat whatever I want...helping me boost back into recovery mode. I'm sitting here having restricted for quite a few days now feeling physically sick and dizzy. I acknowledge (and accept) that I'm feeling really hungry. So I start figuring out what I want to eat... and each one just makes me feel even more sick. And on and on... eventually I tend to order chinese or a pizza, but that gets expensive. After eating something, the nausea usually goes away...which makes my life 1000000% easier in trying to figure out what I'm going to eat. Basically what I'm looking for are ideas of foods that will take the extreme hunger away (to get rid of the nausea) so I can go about eating regular food. An...appetizer, if you will? I'm thinking I may resort to a bowl of oatmeal tonight (I tried soup yesterday and for whatever reason it didn't work out). That usually works. But I'm looking for *more* ideas so I have a list of things to choose from.
  9. I'm taking a really low dosage. 1.5 mg daily. So I doubt it's an overmedication issue...unless the meds just aren't doing it for me at all.
  10. Lately I've been feeling really off- I've actually fallen a few times and stumbled around/lost my footing quite a bit this past week. Anytime I use the stairs I go really slow because I feel like I'm going to topple over on them. Has anyone else had issues like this with xanax? I only started taking it last week so I don't know if it's really the meds or if it's just me being extra clumsy.
  11. Hey guys, So I'm trying to write about depression, and I want to make it a bit more personal than just the generalized list you find on the internet. I know what I'm like when I'm depressed, but are there any specific/unique things that you do (or don't do)? For example: When I'm depressed I call in sick to work, lay backwards on my bed under all my sheets, and pretend nobody can find me. I also like sitting in the closet. Also if you want to share unique coping mechanisms I'd appreciate that perspective too. Mine would be that if I'm in a REALLY bad place I stop and make myself write a list of 5 reasons why I need to live. (Right now that list is my cat, my school finals on thursday, my family is visiting in 2 weeks, I have a therapist appointment tomorrow, and I'd leave my sister to pay the full amount of rent...which isn't nice.) Like I said-- I'm looking for unique and specific things that you wouldn't necessarily find on your "depression symptoms" checklist. Is there one particular food you go to if you can't get the energy to eat (mine is either Dominos delivery pizza or a bowl of cereal)? I'd appreciate any feedback! I want to make this as "real" as possible-- not sterile and cold.
  12. Thanks guys. It feels good to know I'm not alone in this brain fried madness. I feel like I overheated my engine or a wire short circuited in my brain or something. *fiz fiz static*
  13. So today (and part of yesterday too) I've been really struggling with concentration issues. Even moreso than normal, for me. For instance, I'm almost always able to quiet my mind while I'm reading a book or critiquing a poem/prose or something of a similar nature. But when I read it's like the words just don't make sense to me anymore. Like I get that they're words, and I understand them on a surface level, but when it comes to comprehension everything goes out the window. It's like I'm reading a grocery list or something.. I start thinking "Why would you put THESE words together? This doesn't make sense..." Even the idea of sitting and watching a movie right now.. having to concentrate on everything being talked about and all the people and whatnot... just feels so exhausting. I can't figure out if it's exhaustion (It's been a long month), sleep deprevation, ADD, depression, or a combination. Blah. What do you do when you can't concentrate on anything?
  14. Hey guys, So I'm working on a group project (fun..) where we're given like 10 min max to present a short blurb about a mental disorder. I'm in the depression group, and I'm supposed to come up with something to help the class empathize with a person suffering from depression. Here's what I'm supposed to do: The entire presentation can only be 10 min max, so whatever I do I have to keep it pretty short. I would really love to show the "hyperbole and a half" comics on depression, but that's kind of awkward to read out loud to a class while on a powerpoint... and would take a lot of paper to print for each person to have their own copy. I also thought I could possibly find a youtube video to show the class... but I can't seem to find anything short enough. The only one I found was extremely...triggering... and I definitely don't want to show that one to the class. I could also write a tiny bio of what it's like for ME to have depression (I wouldn't say I wrote it-- just quote it as something I found on the internet. I could tell my teacher where I "got" it from later since he knows about my depression already). Something that would be easy to read in like 3 minutes or less. I'm a pretty descriptive writer, so I think I could do it well. OR I could find someone else's bio or poetry or something and read that. I dunno. What do you guys think would be a good idea? I want it to be interesting and something that can draw the class in to really try and be empathetic with people who have depression.
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