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Inanlae

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About Inanlae

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    non-binary
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    Middlewest, USA

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  1. Thanks for the feedback, folks. We're going to try adding Trintellix (same as Brintellix), and I'm going to enroll in an intensive outpatient therapy program (again). It helped last time. My short term disability administer is giving me an extension too. Virtual paperwork is difficult, and doctors get sick too (the best doctors, anyway--they're the best because they've been sick; they don't get sick because they're the best). None of this would be possible without health insurance. Failure to insure all people everywhere is the height of inhumanity. The brilliant Catch-22 of privatized health insurance and working: you have to work to get health insurance in order to be healthy enough to work.
  2. So for seventeen years I've had pain depression. It especially feels like it's squeezing my heart. It hasn't historically been *about* anything. I've just chalked it up to biochemistry, heredity. And I've thought about suicide, most days, for at least fifteen years - because pain sucks. Ups-and-downs. Roller-coasters. Probably every person on here has done time at the worst torture theme park in the world. Two years ago, my cocktail started working. There was some CBT and DBT in the mix too. I decreased my daily Ativan from 3mg to 2mg. Plus 20mg Latuda, 300mg Sertraline, 100mg Topamax. I actually felt happy, for about two years, until this October. Then it stopped working. And I stopped working. I work in a level I trauma center, where I identify cancer, anemia, and the effects of the coronavirus on the human body. I feel like I have a front row seat to human suffering, without being empowered to ameliorate it, and it's another kind of torture. I am very tired of fighting. If there was a euthanasia travel agency, where I could just walk in, plan my funeral and end-of-life arrangements, plan my ideal death, and just call this thing at 38, that would be a somewhat attractive option (not telling, The Tallest Man on Earth, flaming-Viking-burial-at-sea.) I'm tired of fighting this disease, personally. And I'm tired of coming up against the tsunami of "world suck" (H/T Vlog Brothers) which seems to be hate-fucking itself ad astra. So the strain theory, which I haven't read much on yet, is that we consider the termination of our lives when under one or more types of strain. I personally find this theory hopeful, as targeting the sources of strain, i.e. "world stuck," could reduce the inducements to terminate one's life. The General Strain Theory, according to one Wik I. Pedia cites loss of positive stimuli, addition of negative stimuli, or the inability to reach a desired goal, as three possible sources of strain. I will follow up on this with my tdoc on Wednesday. I think work is introducing negative stimuli, and I have a shit ton of unreached goals, but am starting to care about goals less and less. Basically, it pisses me off that I've had to dramatically reduce my goals due to my diseases, and it's kind of tempting to just leave the party. Please feel free to weigh in if you have personal and or academic experience with this. I'm also meeting virtually with my pdoc tomorrow... to tweak the cocktail. Would love recommendations. My current rx mix, dxs and rx, failures are in my signature. Lamictal induces hives and vomiting. Depakote causes dyskinesia. Lithium ruined the thyroid and causes acute renal failure. Medicine. Ha ha. Organ roulette. So the observation about different species of depression is that while for a decade-and-a-half I experienced what seemed like purely biochemical, chains-around-my-heart, tar-and-shark-filled, basements-beneath-basements depression. This feels more like a rational(?) depression, which has me concerned about whether it will be responsive to biochemical therapy.
  3. So I did get a new pdoc. And I survived the crash landing! I even managed to go to work for a few days without it. My late grandpa might have even sent me my favorite bird to let me know he was in my corner. :'-). Thanks for the response, @CrazyRedhead!
  4. So I'm pretty sure that my pdoc is ghosting on me. My Ativan refill is due, and he just denied the refill request.. His office won't take my call. Has anyone successfully done a two day taper? Scared.
  5. I've been applying for jobs. I just quit a new one because I was too anxious to make the commute. I've been checking the disability box. How do you know when it's time to throw in the towel on working? Have you been able to find a job that works with your disabilities? My GAD manifests as social anxiety and agoraphobia. It seems to be getting worse. I was too anxious to meet with a new tdoc today. How do you even begin to qualify for disability in the US? How do you get help when you can't help yourself?
  6. My experience with an IOP was super positive, though I've heard IOPs vary. I would try to get a sense of the particular program's reputation before committing. DBT skills, when I remember to use them, are SO helpful. Regarding agoraphobia (I'm in hiding right now), I took low dose Ativan before attending. I'm going to use a combination of medication and DBT skills to take my dog for a walk (not easy for me). You're brave for looking into this. I see this was in February. Did you end up doing the IOP, @Byron-Black?
  7. Mine is radical acceptance. It centers me. I had a ring made, with the initials "RA" to remind me. Honourable mention to "ride the wave" and "opposite to emotion action." More reminder rings to come.
  8. Both. Addicted to Ativan. When I can't get enough, I take Benedryl, ZzzzQuil. Breakthrough depression and anxiety. Current cocktail is not adequate. Reached out to super busy pdoc. Hopefully he can get me in sooner than January!
  9. I'm not on any Klonipin. 3mg Ativan/day. I think I have both dependence and addiction. I've done some bad things to avoid withdrawal. : (
  10. The ultimatum because I'm exhausted all of the time. I'm going to work with my pdoc to decrease it. I'm allergic to Lamictal.
  11. Depression seems to be becoming less responsive to treatment. Anxiety seems worse too. I have experienced some cognitive impairment and exhaustion, possibly due to long term benzodiazepine use. I'm trying to wean off Ativan now. Cognition seems better, initially, but the anxiety is worse. I think it's time to change my cocktail again. Maybe I'll try Seroquel next. I've read good things from my fellow GAD-sufferers on CB. I've gained weight recently, but nothing is worse than depression... maybe a panic attack.
  12. Keep fighting for yourself, @orangey123. I deal with hypersexuality too. Prostitution has also crossed my mind in my lowest moments. And I tend to burn bridges when depressed. Write down what you know to be true when you are not hypomanic. Put them where you'll have to see them, so that if you're hypomanic again, you'll be reminded. My health-craving self has to fight for my diseased self. I advocate for her. I pick her up when she falls down. I keep fighting for her. I keep fighting for me.
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