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mshnd06

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About mshnd06

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    Man
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    Board games, soccer, writing, engineering, math

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  1. Thank you so much for your kind, thoughtful and helpful replies. I will talk more with my Pdoc and try to reframe some of my negative thoughts. I will look into a leave of absence and will try to find outlets/people to balance the gloom of graduate school. Thank you again for all of the wonderful replies.
  2. I've been trying to complete my PhD for nine years now. Most days I have a sinking feeling in the pit of my stomach when I think about work and pretty strong anxiety when I go into work. Consequently, I often go missing from the lab for weeks at a time. I am aware this is avoidance but I'm not quite sure what to do about it. I have been diagnosed with major depression, generalized anxiety disorder, obsessive compulsive disorder and attention deficit disorder inattentive type (though I have my doubts about the last one). I have been hospitalized, have tried electroconvulsive therapy, am on three different medications, am in regular group and individual therapy, have tried two rounds of day treatment, and have a wonderful support system both at home (family, friends, fiancee) and at work (extremely patient thesis adviser). I don't seem to be getting better and I am beginning to wonder if all of these diagnoses are just convenient excuses and I'm really just lazy. I sit at home all day and either surf the web or sleep (in excess of 12 hours a day). I feel terrible about myself, find myself to be a burden and wonder if I'll ever amount to anything or if I will just continue to waste my life away. I am beginning to feel like giving up again. I am not sure what to do. Thanks for listening.
  3. I am on abilify and have found it to enhance the efficacy of my anti-depressant. Experienced some akethesia but this was effectively countered by propranolol. I get a little sleepy but cognition doesn't seem to be affected. Have had slight weight fluctuations +/- 5 lbs on abilify but nothing major. Mood is greatly improved, anxiety reduced
  4. I'm less experienced with SI as it is a recent development and not under control but the ambivalence you describe is consistent with my history of OCD so I'll try to describe some of the techniques that have been at least moderately successful for me. I have also found it difficult to find purchase on long-term goals in the urges of the present but having an external focus, tends to objectify it and give it more meaning for me. Also I like to have short-term projects with the possibility of immersion on hand to attempt to weather the storm. Granted it's hard to invest but sometimes the apathy will keep me going in the activity until the urges ebb. I've also had a little success with walking as far from the implements of my compulsion as possible in the hope that time and fatigue will sap my will to engage. Best of luck, mim.
  5. I'm very sorry about your mother. You and her, and all of your loved ones will be in my thoughts. I am also wrestling with the decision to go inpatient but I too am afraid and ashamed. Your safety and health are important and I believe your loved ones would understand the need to take care of yourself in this difficult time. Perhaps addressing this independently would encourage them that you are being proactive with your well-being. You seem to be very empathetic in your concern for the emotional impact on your family but your grief and your pain are valid and important too. I have tried to hide the extremity of my MI from loved ones in the hope that I would be able to support and protect them but have found that the emotional tax of secrecy created further impairment and significantly reduced my effectiveness in helping others. I hope that you find some degree of peace to buoy you in this tragedy. Thank you for sharing and know that we are rooting for you.
  6. I'm sorry about the pain missme and I hope that you can find relief for both ailments. I had to go off of Klonopin due to some pretty awful side effects (but not bladder pain).
  7. Thank you very much Jessamine and Mim. Your words are kind, encouraging and helpful. Thank you for your compassion and insight. I hope you find peace on your journeys.
  8. I've suffered from depression, anxiety and OCD for quite awhile. I have gone through periods of significant suicidal ideation in the past, but thankfully I haven't acted on it. I can't quite remember when I started having self-injuring impulses but I had discounted them in the past as less of a danger because I hadn't engaged. I don't understand why I get these urges and why I started acting on them now. I don't feel like I get anything out of it but I am having immense difficulty resisting. I am extremely ashamed and therefore very conflicted about telling anyone about it. I have discussed the urges with my t-doc and he said that I needed to go inpatient if I started acting on them, but I really don't want to be hospitalized or for anyone to know this about me and I'm hoping that I can get it under control, but I know this may be naive. I often feel like my MI is bullshit, that I just want an excuse for my laziness, my failures or I want attention or pity and I wonder if this is just an extension of that, that I really do want people to notice. I don't understand why I am doing this. I am a lucky person, with a loving support system, no history of abuse, opportunities many people never have. I'm 30, why can't I grow up and be a functional adult? Am I self-indulgent. How can I pull myself out of something part of me secretly believes I want or have just conjured out of nothing. Please help. Thank you
  9. I am hoping you and your father find some peace, that life brightens a bit and your burdens are lightened. Welcome friend
  10. Hi. My name is Mark and I have been diagnosed with major depression, GAD, OCD, and ADHD. I am blessed to have a caring support system (including my parents with whom I live after 12 years of independence and my wonderful and understanding fiancee) and access to care. Unfortunately I still find myself struggling immensely and appreciate this opportunity to articulate my difficulties. I am constantly assaulted by panic and feelings of shame. I feel as if I am a burden and a disappointment to everyone I know. I view myself as a failure of my own creation and that it is too late to do anything substantive about it. I struggle to hope and doubt that I will ever be better. Consequently, I spend unproductive time pining after my past when things were better, when I was better and happier. I am embarrassed of who I am and where I am in my life and I feel incredibly bitter when I see my peers being successful and productive. That envy mutates into self-recrimination because I know I only have myself to blame. I fear being judged because I have so little self-worth and validate entirely via what others think of me/comparing myself to others and as a result I am paranoid even around my dearest loved ones. I cannot accomplish anything productive, have been unsuccessful in anything professional for eight years and am easily distracted. I am no sure if this is because I am lazy or because I have ADHD. I want to know why I can't make myself work hard like everyone else. I just want to be able to do something. I also suffer from OCD and had made great strides thanks to Luvox and cognitive therapies but I have relapsed significantly lately and I am very discouraged, stressed and exhausted as a result. Perhaps most importantly, I don't like myself. I believe myself to be a bad person. I am selfish, self-absorbed and arrogant. I am lazy. I am dishonest because I refuse to take responsibility for my own failings and I want people to like me/be impressed by me. Thank you for allowing me to unburden myself. Sometimes it helps just to write it down.
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