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  1. I am smoking for more than 10 years (heavy or occasional depending on my mental situation). After my episode I quit the regular cigarette and have smoked e-cigarettes for about 6 months. Then I started to smoking both regular and e-cigs! after some months I quit the e-cig ... Since e-cigs are relatively new products, there aren't enough study to prove or disprove their disdvantages and/or risks. http://www.sciencealert.com/e-cigarette-vapour-damages-the-immune-system-of-mice Anyway, I am smoking cigarettes because I like them and if it helps me to die earlier I would be grateful since I want this hell of suffering called "Life" to finish as soon as possible.
  2. I'm glad you took your meds again. Does your DR know about you going on and off meds? No, He doesn't! But when I had my first episode 2 years ago, after testing lots of drugs and going through a really tough time I became stable with 5 mg Olanzapine and after a while he reduced it to 2.5 mg (I am very sensitive to anti psychotics and even on a very small doses I am having lots of cognitive problems) At that time he said I should use it like a snob and find the dosage which best suits me. Currently I am taking 1.25 mg of olanzapine with 10 mg prozac. I am quite good, just some sleep problems and depression which comes and goes (sometimes I am high and sometimes I am very low, even if I don't have bipolar!) When I discontinued the drug I was feeling quite normal, but before that for more that 1.5 years on 2.5 mg, I was just staying at bed doing absolutely nothing plus horrible anxieties and depression attacks.... I can't stand going back to to that time even if I risk going to another episode! I will maintain this 1.25 dosage to see what happens. Unfortunately my life and job is very unstable which makes me swing a lot (I just found a full time job three months ago but still I don't have a contract and any minute they can fire me). If I reach a stable point, probably it would be much easier to control my symptoms. But for now, I don't have any choice other than waiting. My life is so fucked up!
  3. I am not a specialist but from my experience after about 2 years of coming and going delusions plus 1.5 psychotic episode, I think what you described about your colleagues behavior is a mild paranoid which I am struggling with almost everyday (Even if I know it is not real!). I know it could be very confusing and exhausting, but what can we do? It is the illness and the circuitry of the brain, genetics or whatever the hell it is. I think you should talk with a good psychiatric and explain exactly how you feel and think (In my opinion it is not just a depression, and somebody should look for the underlying cause and find a suitable drug for you). Probably with small doses of anti psychotic you can manage your everyday life like I do! I had a very bad depression for a long time too, which I wanted to kill myself and I was thinking about how to do it almost everyday. But now, I am feeling better, even if it comes and goes and sometimes I go out of control... My biggest problem now is not depression but it is that little everyday delusions. Sometimes, I really can't recognize delusions from reality and I consider every fucking thing a delusion even if it is not. Who knows! when I go low and don't want to exist anymore I tell to myself: "The Dude Abides!"
  4. Yes. You were right! For about 2 months of going drug free (discontinuing olanzapin and maintaining only prozac) I was quite good and I could do my job and my brain started to work and my anxiety faded out completely and I was very happy. After that I had a brief period of delusions. It was very short and I could recognize that I am going into the viral. So I tried to rationalize and not think paranoid again. I decided to start olanzapine again, But I thougth that maybe it would be better to wait a little to see what happens because I tried really hard to cut the drug very slowly and had lots of problems cutting it off. Anyway I didn't start the drug and for about a month I was quite good and could do my job, just some small delusions here and there which most of the time I could recognize that aren't real. But after that something happened at work and I get very angry, unstable and then I had a panic attack. After this, some days ago I started taking Olanzapine again! Now, I am better, just a little depressed. I think I should continue my medication for a long time......
  5. After a long psychosis episod, I was on Olanzapine for almost one year (just sleeping or sitting there doing nothing and/or dealing with terrible anxiety and depression etc) Several months ago due to not having any delusions, I lowered my dose from initial 5 mg to 2.5 mg. Around 3 months ago I started lowering my dose from 2.5 mg to 0.625 mg and then every other day and so on...Since 3 weeks ago I stopped the medicine completely, and now I am only taking 20 mg Prozac. I don't have any return of positive symptoms (I hope I never will) and my negative symptoms completely disappeared and Now I can think and work well. No anxiety and no depression anymore! Just I had some sleeping problems in the previous weeks (waking up in the middle of night and difficulty going back to sleep) but this problem is becoming better by time. I hope it resolves soon. So, it is possible to go medicine free. But is it possible I have another episode later? I don't know! and if anything goes wrong, I will report it here.
  6. The fact that you know your thoughts are delusions is a very good sign. In my case, I never accepted that I have delusions even if the doctor was telling me so. I was thinking everybody is lying to me and I couldn't trust anybody. I was thinking I'm in a game and everybody is playing a role! I couldn't even pray or anything like you, cause I don't believe in God. I was feeling desperate, lonely and helpless. This was the suffering from positive symptoms that I reckon before. Probably this kind of uncerteinty and not knowing what is wrong and what will happen was causing more pain than physical symptoms. But remember, The main reason my episode lasted so long was that doctor couldn't find the right medication and all that three months were the trial and error with different kinds and dosages of AAPs until finally he found the right Antipsychotic for me (Zyprexa). Another thing is that I'm very sensitive to AAPs and I was getting lots of strange side effects even on low dosages. But people are different and not everybody gets them. So if your Pdoc finds the right drug, your problem could be resolved in a short time. Be patient and don't lose hope.
  7. For me, the episode was a living hell which lasted around three months. My suffering in general was a mixture of positive symptoms and the side effects of Anti psychotics. I had severe headaches, really bad inner sense of restlessness (This was so horrible that sometimes made me cry), severe anxiety, nausea and panic attacks. Sometimes I had a feeling in my jaws that I wanted to press them and also I had muscle stiffness in my neck, back, etc. Some nights I had a really terrible and vivid dreams. I remember one night I woke up with terror and my heart was beating 160. Apart from that, several times I had a near death experiences, altered consciousness, dream-like state or whatever. I was thinking either I will go mad or I will die. Everyday, I was hoping that I don't wake up the next morning or how can I kill myself not to suffer anymore. I remember I wrote a letter and put it in my computer background hoping that after my death or craziness somebody finds it: "I hope I survive and delete this text myself! But remember if I die it was nobody's fault. I was born in a wrong country. I couldn't enjoy my life and I wanted to die long before this incident. If I go crazy or half conscious or anything other than full consciousness, please find a way to kill me, this is my last request and I urge you to do it. Because we don't know how the person feels in that situation. Maybe I would suffer but I won't be able to tell. This two months of suffering was enough. Besides, I don't want my family and friends see me in that situation. I don't want somebody takes care of me all the time and destroy his/her own life. Thank you for doing this last request" Even now, after one year I still feel bad even thinking about those days. I hope with the new developments in our understanding of the brain and the source of mental illnesses scientists could develop new drugs with least side effects and nobody ever suffer like I did....
  8. “My one regret in life is that I am not someone else.” -Woody Allen

  9. I exactly understand you and believe me, last year I was thinking exactly like you. I was thinking people around me are imposters and many other strange conspiracies. I had constructed my own strange inner world and inside this world all the things were making sense. I sometimes becoming skeptical about my thoughts but I could find lots of evidences to support my delusions. It was only after I seek medical assistance and took my meds that I slowly become better and realized that all the things I was experiencing were part of my illness. So, please immediately search for a good psychiatrist, because the earlier you start medication the better. If possible, ask your friends or family members to help you. It is not a good idea to isolate yourself in this situation. It's not good to stay in this mood for a long time and I assure you that you can recover as soon as you find the right medication. Let me know about your progress. I would be happy to help you with my experience.
  10. Your explanation matches exactly with mine. I usually had them in the afternoon and at night. Sometimes migrane like sometimes cluster like, sometimes behind my eyes, sometimes I was feeling my head is about to explode, sometimes it was dream-like state, plus all the feelings you described. When I started AAP it magically disappeared, but after a while when I stopped the medication it started again. But since last year when I started Zyprexa it never happened again. I don't know if I stop, it will start or not. Did you have delusions and paranoia since April along with your headaches? Did you get any medical assistance and are you taking any pills? what did the doctor say about your headaches?
  11. After my episode when I stabilized, I slowly realized my thoughts were not real. Most of them were so ridiculous that I always wonder how could I ever believe in them? But sometimes when I look back, there were few things that I could never convince myself that were just coincident! How could it be just a coincidence, no way I ever accept that....
  12. I'm very sensitive to AAPs. I couldn't tolerate even low doses of Abilify and Rispersal. I started Zyprexa 2.5 mg and then stabilized on 5 mg. After a while I reduced to 2.5 mg for several months. I have some problems with concentration and I sleep two much and am tired all the time even with small doses. I am thinking of stop or change my medicine.
  13. During my first episode psychosis, I was feeling my family and friends have been using hidden cameras and microphones and watching me 24/7. I was searching everywhere to find them and even if I couldn't find anything, I was sure they're there! I could here the clicking of the shutter sometimes... Fortunately after I started using Zyprexa and my delusions disappeared, I never thought these again.
  14. Thank you very much for your replies. I was at the last year of my PhD studies when the episode happened. Last year which I should have been very active to finish the thesis and find a job, obviously I did nothing. Now I'm in a very bad situation because it is not easy to find a job especially in my condition without motivation, energy and concentration! I am very desperate and feel like a big failure! Now in one hand, if I don't stop anti psychotic and can't motivate myself to study and find a job, I could go into depression and fall into a positive feedback that could goes on and on...On the other hand, if I stop the medication because of the potentially stressful and hard times ahead of me, I could relapse into another episode. So, as all of you suggested I think probably it's better I stick to my low dose Zyprexa or change to less sedating anti psychotic. Another thing I forgot to tell is that around one year before my episode I became very ill after drinking alcohol and had flu-like symptoms. I did the blood test and one of my liver enzymes was too high, but after some weeks returned to normal. But after that, whenever I drank alcohol I got sick for a long time. I stopped drinking all together after that and it remained a mystery for me. Any of you had this problem or know weather it is related to the illness or not? Another mystery for me which even doctors didn't have a clue about it was my strange and severe headaches during my episode. I couldn't find on the internet any information that relates this kind of headaches to psychosis or schizophrenia. Anybody has experience with headaches during episode?
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