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About 3xEmonkey

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    Not actually a monkey

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  1. I work at a car dealership, and sometimes my job entails calling the manufacturer. I usually just leave sticky notes on the paperwork with instructions for my boss to call them. He knows "I'm not good with people." Sometimes the tension comes out as aggression; and he'd rather deal with it than risk me ruining things. It's as close to good as I could get.
  2. I clench my jaw and suck all the moisture out of my mouth that I can. Dentist says it's fine as long as I drink plenty of water and don't start grinding. Does pacing count as a symptom or as a way to let it out? It seems to make it worse, sometimes, right?
  3. This just isn't enough.

  4. When my psychiatrist quit, I had no idea. I was assigned another one, who will very likely leave me. It's one of those programs where the doctors are all residents. I walked in, and the lady at the desk told me the doctor left. Wasn't a big deal. I see the psychiatrist for meds. As long as the meds work, all she needs to do is write prescriptions. I do like that she's nice. So now my counselor quit and I only cry when I think about it. Five years. I had her before either psychiatrist. She closed the doors. No more patients. Doing her own thing now. That's awesome. She referred me to anoth
  5. I can't do nothing anymore. Even when I try.

  6. I'm not a expert. I only barely understand what's going on with me. Two concerning things have happened recently, and I'd like some input and info on how to handle this. 1) My 20 yo nephew went through a bad break up. First love, first heartbreak, that kind of bad. I feel like I was the only one who took him seriously. I guess I'm the only person in the family who remembers being 21 and crying til' ya' vomit. He tried to cut himself, but he's just not that guy. I talked to him for hours. I called him a couple of times every day. And every time he said he was depressed, I rolled my eyes an
  7. True. Weddings and gym class were embarrassing. The person below me likes to cheat in card games.
  8. Thank you, all. Looks like I need to bite the bullet and embrace the reality of the situation. I'm seeing her for counseling for a reason. And @Wooster is right. In my case it is an important symptom. Maybe I'll approach it as a talking about talking about the topic. This will be a growth spurt if I can manage it. If I can manage it. Baby steps. I won't lie. I'm really just terrified I'll rip off a bandaid to find out I need an amputation.
  9. How honest are you with your counselor/psychologist? I'm asking because, well, you want to be honest and get the benefit of the counseling session. You are not doing yourself any favors by holding back or, worse, lying. Some topics are harder to speak about than others, though. Even when I overshare during manic phases, it is hard to share certain things with people close to me. Strangers on the internet or mild friends can get all the information in embarrassing detail. My spouse and close friends, and even counselor get vague answers. So what do you say? Do you swear to tell the t
  10. I think they leave out psychosis sometimes because the general public doesn't understand it as a symptom of bipolar. I get more and more... not angry, sorta upset, mostly disenfranchised when I see MI as a defining character trait on tv. It's something we live with, adjust to, maybe embrace but primarily just do our best to survive. My disorder isn't the reason my husband stays or goes every day. It's not how I keep or lose a job. Has nothing to do with graduating, celebrating, fighting, hurting. Nothing. I mean, sure, I've done some things I regret and am proud of due to all the fun symp
  11. Just a simple idea. I try to do low-energy things when manic. Mostly I read, but some cheap tv helps. These activities sometimes keep me from getting revved up. Like a toy with a pull string, if I don't get it started, it can't go too far. It's not a permanent fix. It helps with the insomnia. And porn. Lots of porn. We're monogamous, so I can't run around and find another. Self service, for me anyway, is a decent way to ensure I'm going to stay clean and safe. I wish my college self had this info.
  12. 1/2 quetiapine 25mg as needed 1 hydroxyzine hcl 50mg twice daily as needed 1 levothyroxine 25mcg daily 1 bupropion xr 150mg daily 3 lithium carbonate 300mg daily 1 seroquel xr 150mg daily There's a birth control pill, too, but not on me now. As an aside, I like to challenge myself to see how many pills I can take in one swallow. With or without water sometimes. Not everything is taken at the same time, but I am up to five pills in my achievement.
  13. I'm with LMoS on this. When my sex drive turns up, I watch a lot of porn and masturbate. I won't lie. I've had issues with it, like absolutely needing to find sexual release several times a day, even at work. It's inappropriate, but I do my absolute best to behave. Even driving. I've had to pull over and either finish on the shoulder (so dangerous, don't attempt) or pretend to stop for gas and handle it there. But porn and self service really help. I'm in a married monogamous relationship. He enjoys the so-called perks of the situation, but he understands that it's not a good place to be-
  14. I am a warranty clerk for car dealerships. I have held other positions for our business group- cashier and accounting clerk. This one suits me best. I have a lot of independence, but more importantly I am alone. My boss is a big reason why I am successful here. He's fine with me and my hours as long as my work is done. Since the meds started, I am not the early bird I loved being. But he also lets me work through lunch so I can still leave at a decent time. Working with customers or working with others on a team or in a crowded office was a nightmare. Led to anxiety, drinking, cutting. Ugh. No
  15. I miss being manic. And then all of a sudden I don't. I forget how inconvenient it is. I have to go to work. No, I can't masturbate at work. No, well, yes, I do anyway. 

    Oh, and how about that oversharing? Fucking awesome.

    And I feel sticky and puffy. I feel like I am in heat and that's not okay.  And I really just want to go home and drink. 

    I forgot just how bad manic can be.

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