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charlotteshead

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About charlotteshead

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    a spinning dive into the macabre

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    Woman
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    USA

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  1. What...??? Who on EARTH would ever say that? That's akin to saying, "You can't have blue eyes if you have red hair." That makes zero sense. What people say boggles my mind. Was this a professional?
  2. I really appreciate all the discussion! It's so beneficial just to hear general thoughts from others. I forget things so easy, man, my last pdoc in the hospital was awesome and he focused less on my PTSD dx, less on any possible BPD, and spoke about how things need to change in the psychiatric community in regards to how trauma, both as adults but especially as children, affects a person. He talked some about complex ptsd, the concept of ptsd-like symptoms being chronic, and that he thought/hoped in coming years that the diagnoses of both PTSD and BPD would change, and in some cases merge. Not
  3. Could you expand on your thoughts on bias? I wonder if you mean something like this...I felt some of my more negative experiences with docs came from them jumping to conclusions when learning about my childhood sexual abuse. I remember sitting in the hospital after attempting suicide, and for some reason 2 pdocs came in, no idea why. They sat on either side of me and were pretty intimidating. Anyway, I felt very very much like the experience women of the past had from male doctors discounting them with "hysteria." They pushed BPD heavily but in a weird negative condescending way, if that made
  4. Thank you so much sbdivemaster! That really, really helped. I might refer back to this when I have the same feelings in the future. While I know only professionals can give "professional" advice, frankly my fellow sufferers usually give the best advice.
  5. Dang, I knew about the 5/9 thing and forgot about it, haha. I often "joke" with my husband that 13 years of psychotropic medication has created holes in my brain. Joke in quotes cause I believe it's partly true. I'm much dumber. All of my pdocs have agreed on bipolar, and I know it can be hard to suss out BPD from that, so perhaps that's why they've never given the actual diagnosis. Not being totally sure. I think also it could be that I respond so-so to therapy and really well to medication. I like therapy, especially group therapy, and go into it whole-heartedly but it just never makes
  6. I've been dx'd with bipolar II for a long time...in the past couple years, some drs have bandied around the idea of BPD but never landed on anything certain. I match a lot of the symptoms really well...intense fear of people being mad at me, being abandoned, occasional self-harm, the unclear self image...all very clearly stemming from childhood abuse. I think what's kept them from diagnosing me is missing several key features. I don't have intense, unstable relationships. My relationships have always been the most normal, functional part of my life. That idea of relationships either being
  7. I go through this endless cycle, since I was diagnosed at 15 (and I'm 28 now) which is, "I can't have bipolar because I don't get manic." (I get hypomanic) "I must have BP because this behavior isn't normal." "I can't have BP because this hypomania is too mild to be anything." When I'm depressed, which is most of the time, I can never remember what hypomania really feels like, and I feel as though I'm exaggerating my own symptoms. I think, genuinely, I still don't completely understand hypomania, or rapid cycling which plays into it. People like my grandpa, who had BP I, it seems so obvio
  8. In my research I came across this description of symmetry. http://www.ocdtypes.com/symmetry-ocd.php Some of this really rang true to me. Like scratching one side of the face then doing the other. I do those sort of things. I thought that you had to be compelled to do these sorts of things only because of worrying about some negative event occuring. However, 'needs to feel just right' sounds like a much more sensical and simple way of describing how I feel. I've hesitated to ever talk about these symptoms because of aforementioned embarrasment, and the fact that it's not severe. But n
  9. I'm starting this thread to see if anyone can relate to this at all. (This ended up long but I hope by the end of it, you are encouraged.) It's very difficult to find any information on DID in children. We tend to only hear about adults and how it affects their lives now. I want to share my experience and hear from others. I had a traumatic childhood and years of abuse. Hence I had DID (or something like it, undiagnosed) WHEN I was a child. Not later. I never knew. Naturally. Because the point of having alters was to protect my core self from knowing what was happening. There is only
  10. That was actually really helpful chillpill. My history with abuse is severe. And its become worse the past couple years. I think I do see a relation between them. Tourette's, for some reason I think I'd thought of this vaguely once. When I happened to read a description of it that was totally different from how media portrays it. Huh.
  11. I get to the account settings page where I can change my sig. But I click the actual 'change signature' button and it opens a new tab. This tab never loads. It just stays blank. No error message. Blank white. Tried on both Chrome and Safari. Is this happening to anyone else?
  12. Can I preface this by saying I'm not trying to be one of those people who's like, "Oh I'm totally OCD!" I have bipolar disorder, that happens to me, it's annoying. But I finally want to talk about this, and my therapist is out of town for a couple weeks, so I just wanted to kinda chat. This is pretty long and rambling but if anyone feels inclined to read it all, I would be so thankful. I feel like this board would be best to discuss this with, but maybe anxiety board is better. I'm not sure. I know the drill, you aren't doctors, can't diagnose me, etc. I'm hoping simply to see if there's anyo
  13. For a long time I tried very hard to stop. Distractions, alternatives, and the like. But for the past few months, I've felt like I just don't care, and apathetic about trying to quit. This is not to say its ok, don't think I'm saying that. But surely, others must have times they're very motivated to stop, and other times they are just numb to it. When I want to self harm, I just do it...I tune out the voice that softly says, 'hey, maybe you don't have to do that..' Then I start to turn to it in this weird way...like not when I'm angry or panicking...almost like when I'm bored. I guess its
  14. I was rx'd Zyprexa 2 1/2 months ago during a hypomanic state. It helped me sleep but made me so, so dumb. I couldn't find words, was exhausted, confused...combined with the Lamictal stupids, I was useless at work. So I stopped taking it. As always, the hypomania crashed into a terrible depression. Got really bad in the last 2 weeks. Pdoc titrating Lamictal up over the next month. But I've been sitting at home the last couple days wondering if the Zyprexa can have any mood-stabilizing effects that would help kick me out of this depression, or level me out. At the moment I'd find a way to handle
  15. I take Lamictal and Buspar, though I've never taken Brintellix. I've been on Buspar 2 years (20mg) and Lamictal 9 months (225mg - currently titrating up to 300mg), though this is the second time I've taken it, the last time I was a teenager. The possibility for increased suicidal thoughts is a common potential side effect of many psychiatric meds. Something to monitor, definitely, but if you keep careful track of your moods you can recognize signs of that before it gets too far. The rash scared me too but it's quite rare. But as for memory loss...well, for me it's not so much memory loss, such
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