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mythweaver

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About mythweaver

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    μυθοπλόκος

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    http://queerhawkeyes.tumblr.com/

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    non-binary

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  1. Hey myth --

    Haven't seen you around lately. I hope you're well!

    -Alice

  2. Yesterday someone in the waiting room at the counseling center commented on my scars, but I was okay with it. I was petting her dog, which was an emotional support animal I think, and she was telling me that she had scars too but Magic (the dog) had really helped her. I don't mind when other self injurers talk to me about SI, though this is the first time it has happened outside of the hospital.
  3. I called the Emergency Team for my check in and it was Unhelpful Doug. Luckily I am doing fine this evening so it didn’t really matter. He remembered seeing me in the hospital last fall but said he didn’t think we’d ever talked on the phone, and I didn’t correct him because otherwise I would have said something like ‘you told me to take a walk when I wanted to kill myself so I hung up and overdosed and then you came and saw me in the ER and the way you treated me was really invalidating also...

    1. mythweaver

      mythweaver

      Unhelpful Doug is the main reason I don't call the E Team. This check in thing was supposed to make it so I would be more likely to call the E Team in the future, but unless I know for sure that I will not have to talk to Unhelpful Doug, I don't think I am ever going to call them.

    2. cosima

      cosima

      that really sucks, myth. could you possibly report Unhelpful Doug?

  4. goals for today use two coping skills be honest during my meeting with the Emergency Team don't sleep during the day unless I am really tired
  5. goals for today call the gym to find out how to cancel my membership clean the bathroom read
  6. I thought it would be interesting to hear about people's experiences with gender and how that relates to their ED. My dysphoria started when I was 13, which was when I started filling out and got my period for the first time. I didn't recognize it as gender dysphoria at the time; it wasn't until I was 15 that I even realized I could be trans. But my ED started when I was 13, and I feel like the dysphoria, despite me not realizing what it actually was, contributed to the development of the disorder. In my later teen years my ED became more about trying to reverse trauma, but the dysphoria still played a role. Even when I am relatively okay with my weight, I am usually distressed about how my body looks because of how people perceive me. I have been on T for over 3 months, but the only time I am read as male right now is over the phone. I don't bind (it's a pain, literally and figuratively, and most binders don't get my DD boobs flat anyways) and so I am almost always read as female. Most of my dysphoria has to do with my chest. I can't get top surgery until next year (specific requirements of the one surgeon in my entire state that takes my insurance say that I need to be on T for a year), and when my dysphoria is bad I have a much harder time accepting anything about my body, which means I am much less likely to be motivated to stop restricting/actively trying to lose weight. Of course there are other things besides dysphoria that keep me stuck in my ED, but the dysphoria seems to be the one constant over time. I also feel alienated sometimes from ED recovery stuff, as a lot of it is geared towards cis women, and uses gendered language quite a bit. There is so much talk about how the media affects women's body image and contributes to EDs, and I feel like that just doesn't apply to me. Also even if my insurance covered residential treatment there isn't exactly a lot of places that are co-ed or trans friendly. The IP place I go to is co-ed, but the first four times I was there I didn't say anything about being trans. The fifth time I told a few people, but didn't feel comfortable with the entire community knowing. One resource I did find was Trans Folks Fighting Eating Disorders (TFFED), which has been pretty helpful in making me feel less like an anomaly. [if anyone wants to know more about them, here is the TFFED website, tumblr, and facebook.] What have other people's experiences with EDs and gender been like?
  7. Getting help early on, if you can, is really important. No one here can diagnose you with an ED, but what you are doing sounds disordered. I would definitely tell your pdoc. I would just try being honest with them and say that you are having food and body issues. They may or may not diagnose you with something, but once your pdoc knows your treatment can be adjusted accordingly. A lot of people tell themselves 'once I reach x weight I will stop' or 'I will get help after I lose x pounds' but that is dangerous because once you reach x weight or lose x pounds, you will likely want to lose more. I have had many goal weights, and when I reach one I never want to stop. No number is ever low enough. Also you do not need to be underweight to have/be diagnosed with an ED. I have had an ED for 9 years, during which time I have been underweight, 'normal' weight, and overweight. I hope you tell your pdoc and are able to get help for this.
  8. I felt comfortable with my current therapist almost right away, though I didn't bring up my intrusive thoughts for 2.5 years. I actually told my psychiatrist about them first (I had been seeing him longer than my current therapist at that point and he felt safer), then I told my therapist a few weeks later. I think this had more to do with my self disgust and shame about the intrusive thoughts than it did my relationship with my treatment team members though. When I was a teenager I didn't trust my therapists, and would either hold back or lie. I went into therapy when I was 14, but I wasn't completely honest with a therapist until I was 18, which is when I started seeing my current therapist. I do not let myself lie to my treatment team anymore. Telling the truth can be very uncomfortable (and in regards to my eating disorder can have unpleasant consequences like going inpatient) but being honest with them, especially about hard things, has really helped, so I force myself to do it anyways. My current therapist was on maternity leave from December to March, so I saw someone else during that time. I talked about some really hard stuff with him. I think I was able to trust him so easily because prior to being my primary therapist I had also interacted with him via the counseling service's Emergency Team. He had met with me in the ER before, talked to me while I was getting stitches, and had seen me when I was very vulnerable. I actually really miss seeing him, I have thought about asking to have him be my primary therapist again.
  9. I have found seeing a nutritionist to be really helpful. Mine knows a lot about eating disorders, and really works with me where I'm at (if I'm not able/willing to follow my meal plan, we try to find compromises). She also works in my gp's office, so they talk to each other a lot and stay on the same page. I do see a therapist, but seeing a nutritionist as well adds more accountability and lets me use my therapy time to talk about more than just the ED. My insurance covers it, otherwise I'm not sure I would go. But I've seen a nutritionist since 2011, and I think it has been really helpful. I've learned a lot and the extra support outside therapy is nice. If you don't have a treatment team at all though, I would start with finding a therapist.
  10. I was on 3 mg, but the lactation did not stop even as I was decreasing the dose. I told my psychiatrist about it a while ago, but when I see her in a week or two I will bring it up again.
  11. My boobs started leaking a few weeks after I started Risperdal (so last December or this January). It wasn't that bad so I kept taking it, I figured the benefits outweighed the side effects. I decided I wanted to go off of Risperdal for a variety of reasons and have spent the last two months slowly lowering my dose with my psychiatrist's guidance. I took my last dose this week. I am wondering how long it should take for my prolactin levels to go back to normal and for my boobs to stop leaking now that I am not taking it at all.
  12. "So you're going to stop doing that, right?" -said by the librarian while checking out my books. I don't even have any new (visible) scars. When I told her they weren't new, she just asked the question again.
  13. That is great you didn't purge from January to April! Have you brought the worry of further relapse up with your DR though? I was purging from Jan-Apr, just not as much. I see my nutritionist tomorrow though and hopefully we can come up with a new plan.
  14. I spent January through April purging not even every day for the most part, and not really thinking about my ED all that much. I don't know why, but that changed this month. This week has been hard, lots of ED thoughts and increased behaviors. Everything else has been going really well since I came home from the hospital in December, but the ED doesn't seem to want to budge. I'm worried I will relapse further and it will cause my depression and other issues to flare up again.
  15. *facial features scrunched up in disgust* that's not really a comment, but it does say a lot. I've gotten that mainly from fellow patients over the last few weeks whenever I roll up my sleeves enough that a particular (nasty, bright red, painful, so large and tight it restricts my movement of that arm to some degree) scar is showing. I feel a weird sort of validation whenever someone has this response to either that particular scar or my other ones. It's like if a fellow self harmer thinks it's bad, than it must actually be bad.
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