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Mike Ragnarok

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About Mike Ragnarok

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  1. I'm working on a teaching career, primary and secondary, in the USA. I'm pretty functional now that I'm on stimulants, otherwise I'm a mess. I'm in a program where I volunteer full time in a school as a tutor, in order to get experience to go into a residency which will get me my license. There is almost a complete masters degree worth of classes I'll be taking in the process. I haven't disclosed to anybody in my program. Any thoughts?
  2. I did a google image search on "random word", and Ragnarok was the first vaguely name-ish word that popped up with a sound I liked. Later, I thought people might think naming myself Viking Armageddon meant something (it doesn't, I'm not apocalyptic, I don't think I'm badass) but it was too late.
  3. It's complicated. I was raised Catholic but exposed to lots of faiths. We lived on the road, mostly Mexico and Central America, but also Europe, India, and Asia. The idea that any one religion was the whole picture never made any sense to me. My religion at this point comes down to compassion and respect for people and the beauty of the universe. Religion is about the relationship between me and not-me. Where my MI comes into the picture... Back in 2001 I had a pretty bad round of depression and possibly PTSD. I went on wellbutrin and had good results. Before that, I thought I was my mind. But when I lost my mind, it became obvious that my mind is not me. And how much of that me or that mind is me vs how much is the little blue pill? So... Less certainty, more compassion, less knowing, more looking. And I'm giving that compassion to the bald monkey in the mirror as well, because it is an animal I am responsible for.
  4. I've worked in places where people quit to go to school, or back to school. Nobody called them traitors or held it against them. Everybody moves on some or later.
  5. I was in the same spot a bit over a week ago. Today is my last day at the job. It freaked me out too. My boss took it better than I expected, particularly since I wasn't able to give 2 weeks notice and my work group is swamped with work. If they like you, they want what's best for you. If they don't, they still have to act professional about it. In writing is absolutely the way to go. Most places will ask you to put it in writing if you quit in person. Writing it down takes your emotional stuff out of the picture. If you use email to communicate with your supervisor, it's an entirely appropriate way to quit. It's going to feel weird. But it's going to be OK.
  6. That dynamic recentering sounds interesting. I'm not using mine for anything that deep. For me (at least so far) is all about being able to find my notes and reminding myself of related things. So far I only have one cross link. Otherwise it's really just a different way to look at an outline. In fact, I can export it to an outline if I want to. But the graphic layout makes it easier for me to find things.
  7. I live far away from my family, but we are emotionally close. Talked to Mom a few months ago (before diagnosis) about ADD. About struggling, and that some people (didn't single out my SO, or my SIL) had suspected ADD. She seemed supportive at the time, but later called me back and said I'm great and she is really angry that anybody would say there is anything wrong with me. I went ahead with treatment. I haven't told her anything else about it. I've thought about telling her, but it never seems like the right time on the phone. I'll probably tell her when I see her in person next. By then the results should be pretty dramatic. I don't know whether going it alone is an potion in your situation. Working for me so far. In my experience, it is more distressing to have somebody you love crazy than to be crazy yourself. If my Mom is still bothered about the diagnosis and treatment, I intend to downplay it. I'll tell her I'm not crazy*, I'm just doing what it takes to do my best. I'll let her know much research I've done, how careful I've been. That I take and keep control and responsibility for my treatment. * "crazy" isn't a diagnosis, it is an opinion and a very loaded word that means different things to different people and in different contexts. I'm crazy in that I am MI in a life-damaging way. But Mom doesn't have a crazy son. Her boys are perfect even if they do need some help.
  8. It's a valid concern and you need to get good answers from your docs. I also do my own research. But since I lack years of studying medicine (I did go to a very good massage school so I have a tiny amount of medical literacy) my research is mostly so I can ask good questions. But yeah, meds do come with physical consequences. Different meds, different consequences. You have to consider the cost/benefit.
  9. For the next 3 days, I fill out applications on behalf of radiologists for privileges at hospitals so they can read images over the internet. But next week, I start a year of volunteering to help middle school kids who already speak English as a second language get good enough at it to do well academically. During that year, I have to take 5 advanced math courses, mostly (maybe all) online and by correspondence. Yeah, that still exists, I was surprised. At the end of that, if i have my ducks in a row and I'm lucky. I start a residency that gets me a teaching license in a little over a year. First time I've had a plan in a long time. First time I've had to run the brain all day too.
  10. This might be a horrible idea, but it works for me in dealing with pain, and with medical stuff like needles. I pay really close attention and focus on the sensations in a very detailed and conscious way. If I were to apply that to flying (this is hypothetical - flying doesn't bother me) I would rest my hand on the armrest and intentionally feel the vibrations. What does it feel like when the front wheel lifts off the ground? Not how do you feel emotionally, the precise sensory inputs. Not trying to figure out whether it is happening the right way, that's somebody else's job. They charge big bucks for that and nobody's paying you to do it, so don't. What about the back wheels? Do they lift off together, or first one then the other? Just curious, I'm sure both options are fine. I bet you can tell just by the way the arm rest vibrates. Listen for the wheels to retract. And the covers to close. Write the experience (maybe just in your mind) down with exquisite detail. Nothing about the emotions, nothing about whether it indicates a problem, just the sensations. Gearhead's idea works with this. If you can tie the sensations to things you learned (that thump - the left distal wing flap, 500 pounds of high quality aluminum moved by a hydraulic cylinder - yeah, I'm just making this up) that might help too. Stuff I know about is less scary. I don't know. This could be a terribly wrong approach for you. But I used it for a colonoscopy a few months ago and the the experience was nowhere near as horrible as I expected.
  11. Here's the mind map I use most. I blurred some things for privacy.
  12. My tdoc suggested using mind mapping software to organize complicated things in my life. Things like my career. I'm ADD, I need all the help I can get. A mind map is a chart where each concept has a blob and there are lines connecting them. Sounds all abstract, but the concepts in using are pretty concrete and specific. The map I use most starts with "teaching" and has a branch for tests I need to take, one for the residency program, one for my volunteer job, etc. On the residency branch I have a branch for each entrance requirement, one for the tuition, one with the name and phone # of my contact. There is a lot more there, but that is the general idea. His suggestions were FreeMind or FreePlane. But those are Windows/Mac/Linux programs, and I can't see something that lives on my desk doing me much good. So I looked around and went with SimpleMind. It doesn't seem quite as powerful as the other two, and it costs money for some features. But it runs on my iPad and my android phone. Costs like 5$ each to share data between them. The Windows version costs something like 25 euros, so I haven't installed it. Anybody else using mind maps?
  13. I had that earlier this year. Detected via ultrasound. All very mysterious. Not an alcohol thing in my case because I drink about one glass of wine per month. Liver enzymes were about double the normal. Regular doctor suggested losing about 10 pounds. I don't think I'm fat. Not skinny either. Losing 10 pounds wouldn't be a bad thing. Non-alcoholic Steatohepatitis. I know some body stuff, I think I'm not impressed by medical terms, but that sounds damned scary. Went in for a colonoscopy because it was time for that, and they found a polyp full of CMV, which is a real common infection, usually asymptomatic, but not usually found in the colon of a person with an intact immune system. Went to an infectious disease specialist. He said the liver enzymes aren't a thing unless they are 10 times normal, and nothing to worry about unless about 100 times normal. And that the infection could easily cause the liver stuff, in fact he would expect higher enzyme levels. Immune system checks out. I hardly ever get sick. Had an HIV test despite my lack of risk factors. Negative. During all this stuff I lost about 5 pounds. Re-testing the enzymes, I'm back to normal. Didn't do another ultrasound. Regular doctor considers the liver thing resolved. And I lost the other 5 pounds when I started adderal.
  14. I did get the job. More work, harder work, way less money! Yay! But it is going someplace. This is a step in my career, not just treading water. I started a blog to tell the story as it unfolds.
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