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Tolstoy_farm

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  1. The last thing I would do is judge another person with the same condition that I have. I think an effective strategy for getting past the delusions, despite how real they seem, is to realize that these horrible thoughts I have are not an accurate reflection of reality. One can reality check and that might make them seem a little less real. When I am really experiencing strong delusions, I used to not be able to convince myself that they are not real. But because of therapy, meds and reading about common delusions, they now seem much less real and therefore affect me less. I wish the same experience for other people with my condition. Delusions are evil. Openness is good.
  2. I was imagining that people used the pattern of neural activity in my visual cortex to create an image of what I could see. I thought they had super powerful satellites that could read activity in my brain like an MRI. I may have had this delusion because I used to be a neuroscientist, and recorded from mouse brains. I've never had the idea that it could be like a bodyguard. If I had I would have discovered it was wrong when I lived in the woods for four days and did not eat or drink anything. When things were that bad I assumed that everyone wanted me dead anyway. . But things are not bad like that anymore.
  3. I have to admit, I think I keep a pretty good sense of humor about people watching me in the bathroom. It's strange considering that I am a self conscious person in non delusional situations.
  4. Regarding being filmed while in the bathroom... On Wednesday I was in class and had to leave to use the restroom, or as you put it chickenlips, to take a dump. . I had the feeling that everyone was watching me, so when I came back, I searched everyone's expressions for an indication that they had been watching me. They all looked pretty board/expressionless, so I was reassured.
  5. Hi Chickenlips. I'm actually doing pretty well the last few days. I made a few friends at school and then I found this website two days ago. Finding it was a huge boost. I am amazed to read about other people having the same kinds of delusions that I have! I mean I feel bad for them, but it reinforces the idea that they are delusions. Shortly after reading some I went and had a good conversation with my mother in law, who I had been suspecting of repeatedly reading my thoughts. I felt free to talk to her knowing that she was probably not reading my thoughts after all.
  6. The symptom that I can relate to is the feeling that something bad is going to happen if I do something "wrong". My pdoc calls it schizo-obsessive. For me it is usually what I eat or drink, but it can be pretty much anything. I usually ignore it, but once I did not eat or drink for almost four days. I know this was a mistake. I believe it's best to go ahead and do the things that your delusions are telling you are "wrong". This is a technique for people with OCD. Go ahead and do the thing that you are not supposed to do and see that nothing bad happens. Do not trust your delusions. Trust what you can sense directly and what people tell you. And for me that would also mean do not trust what you think people are really trying to tell you. Only what they are telling you. Not sure if this applies to you. Good luck and hang in there!
  7. dedoubt, I am really sorry to hear about your baby. That must have been very difficult to deal with.
  8. Keeping friendships intact is very difficult when I think that either my friends are trying to hurt me/steal from me or that someone is hurting my friends because of me. And it is almost impossible to make new friends. I dealt with this for 6 years until I started therapy and meds, then I started making friends again and renewed some old friendships. A device that used to help somewhat was that I would simply choose to be as nice as possible and not expect anything in return. I thought people were spying on me, but I would continue to be nice and do good things for them.
  9. I began taking risperidone for a second time about 20 months ago because my delusions had become severe and terrifying. I stopped taking the risperidone but stayed on antidepressants several months ago because my delusions had all but disappeared and I hated the side effects of risperidone. My delusions have slowly crept back into my thoughts over the last several months. Like you, I began thinking people were reading my thoughts again, and occasionally thought people were talking about and belittling me. These symptoms are mostly annoying and sometimes make me angry, but perhaps the worst thing is that I'm reluctant to get close to people. I've decided to try a low dose of abilify, since the side effects are better for some people. I guess I could have lived with the mild delusions, but they were slowly getting worse and beginning to interfere with my relationships, which of course are very important to me. Good luck with your decision. If you decide not to take meds and try to live with the mild delusions, I would like to hear how it turns out.
  10. In bold: I believe this also, more then, than now though. Now, without all the cameras there used to be (I still think there is at least one camera somewhere in here) they all can't watch me anymore. Just some if they have access to the camera. It bothers me that people are watching me, but I've gotten really used to it (it has been going on since end of 2002/2003), so much that I sometimes forget they are there. And I figure, if I do something that they are making fun of or whatever, they can't really tell anyone because then they would seem "weird" because they'd be talking about people in a camera they are watching. Who's going to believe that, you know?, without seeing the cameras themselves. They'd have to prove to people what they are talking about (because the cameras are secretly with only a few select people). Does that make sense? The cameras are secret, and if people who are watching start talking about them, those people would be judged based on them talking about watching people on cameras. The people who are watching me also cannot talk about watching me, but for a different reason. They are not allowed. If they do they will be punished by whoever is in charge of the whole thing. Although for the longest time I thought I would be punished for talking about my delusions. I didn't know they were delusions, I thought it was all really happening, but I was not allowed to talk about it. Like you, I have also gotten used to being watched. In fact I ignore it in terms of my behavior. It only affects my thoughts and sometimes feelings. It's pretty mild right now, but I usually think about it a little bit when I get dressed or take a shower, and sometimes when I am intimate with my wife (although surprisingly I usually don't think about it when we are intimate). It's funny, that I'm kind of self-conscious normally - I don't like to even go swimming. But I don't really care that people are watching me on their computers when I am at home or alone. If I could choose, I would have them stop, but sometimes I think maybe they have a good reason. I get mad once in a while when I think someone is commenting on something I said in a therapy session or some private thought I had. I also don't like it when someone is reading my thoughts when they are with me. But otherwise I don't usually let it bother me. One weird twist for me is that sometimes my eyes are the cameras. I read one other person mention this, so I wonder how common it is.
  11. Bell, I will ask you the same question, why do you believe the thoughts are not false? I have the same thoughts, that people are monitoring me all the time, although I don't usually have the delusion that they are inserting or removing thoughts. I also have the delusion that people read my thoughts. It must be a delusion. It is a common delusion for people with a psychosis, yet it seems so real. But at the same time it can't be. Not only is it extremely unlikely, but other people with psychoses have the same delusion. Yet it still feels real. Why do you believe they are real?
  12. confused, why are you not sure that the messages from the media are not real? It is a common delusion among people with a psychosis. I get messages from the media all the time, especially when I am not on medication. It must be a delusion. Yet at the same time, I believe they are real. Why do you still believe they are real? If you are like me, you just know because it seems real, but I wonder if you have a different reason.
  13. SSRIs like fluxetine do not cause TD. typical, or 1st generation antipsychotics like haldol can cause TD, and atypical antipsychotics have a much lower risk for TD. I think it's generally about 2% of people on atypical antipsychotics long term. I wish you the best of luck with what you're currently going through. Do you have family that you can stay with for a while? I abruptly left a good job when my first psychotic episode started, and stayed with my Dad for a while. Also, I'd recommend you find a therapist that charges a fee based on your income (or lack of income). There is usually something that is publicly funded.
  14. I also have the experience of feeling certain that my delusion is real, but also knowing that it is a common delusion that psychotic people have, and that it is basically impossible. This happens to me all the time. When I am on medication they feel a lot less real and happen a lot less often. Sometimes my delusions go away for a while, but they come back.
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