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Ashdene

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About Ashdene

  • Rank
    Ashdene

Profile Information

  • Gender
    Woman
  • Location
    South Africa
  • Interests
    Trauma Medicine
    Disaster relief/Response
    Medicine
    Clinical Nutrition
    Photography

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  1. I was diagnosed with Bipolar many years ago, and some people may still remember me here I hope! You are my family but i have been away for a while!!! I dont know if i was ADHD, depressed and had a severe eating disorder? I don't know if i was just not coping with situations i was put into including rape and no family support? I haven't been seeing my Pdoc for a while but havent needed to see him? Im down to only 75mg seroquel for sleep at night due to my insomnia and provigal due to my ADHD and thats it? I feel very balance and my work is going very well and super balanced running my own private practise? I did start recently with a sports psychologist for my show jumping and he uses hypnotherapy and light therapy? Very weird!!! But brought a lot to the front which through me for a look and brought alot of issues up!!! Ended up hurting myself with a hammer to try cope with everything he brought up! But its now settled down? Off most my meds for a long time and seem quite ok? Guess i should see my Pdoc! I know its dangerous but feel kind of "normal"? Dont know if it was more my eating disorder rather then anything else with ADHD? A part of me doubts i am bipolar? Just want to move forward with my life but dont want to make silly choices?? Love Ashdene
  2. Revisiting my eating disorders and the consequence I now have to deal with 

    1. water

      water

      How are you? 

  3. For many many years I've dealt with anorexia and bulimia. i always knew there would be consequences but thought it would be obviously and I would be ready for it! I dealt with surgery to my esophagus due to my hap hazard bulimia when I couldn't vomit my food! But always preferred to starve myself! Haven't been here for a while! I felt like I was getting myself together! Even for a brief moment last year I gained weight! I thought I was fat but for the first time in my life my BMI was normal!!! Of course everybody kept commenting on my weight gain and made me feel terrible!! It's back to a low normal BMI from my horse riding the thing that has changed my life was discovering horse riding!! It's changed my life!!! I have never loved anything more then my horse and my riding!!! I wouldn't give up riding for my eating disorder! My horse is my world! And if I'm too thin I can't keep up with the sport! My horse loves me right back and makes me feel complete!! 3 weeks ago my horse tripped with me after a jump! I smashed my clavicle in more then one place and required hectic surgery. I have discovered I'm terribly terribly osteoporotic after all my years with starving myself! And people seem to question me continuing riding now? last week my riding Instructor who became my dad fell and got a brain bleed. He is now brain dead. I can barely breath knowing he is gone. He is the man that changed my life. Believed in me and made me realize I'm worth more then punishing myself. He visited me every day while I was in hospital while I haven't seen my own parents yet? I turned to my eating disorder before for support. I discovered my horse and riding and the support of the most amazing man to pull me through. Need support now cause I don't know how I'm going to pull it together xox
  4. Oh thats totally understandable, sorry if it came outs wrong, a lot of people from here message me as a dietician wether overweight from drugs or underweight from illness. If keeping it on the boards is better I will let people know that ask for help. But I do agree that open conversation is the best way. The main point I was trying to get across was not that I want to help but to share my consequences? And see if anybody else could do the same xx
  5. I will never forget when I was 16 and was very anorexic, I was sent to a boarding high school but my junior school was in my home town. I went to my friends 16th in my home town and a girl introduced me to a group of people as this is "Ashdene" she used to be beautiful but now she is just too thin! I felt humiliated and totally confused cause I didn't see it. People will always have something to say!. And to be honest at one stage I used to get upset if nobody commented about my thinness! I took up medical and humanitarian work, and now that is the first thing that people from my home town ask me about and then only my looks! It gave me confidence! It gave me drive and pride! Find something to change the conversation and show your inner self!! Because I'm sure its way more beautiful then your weight!
  6. I used to be bulimic for about ten years and ended up eroding most of my oesophagus away and had to have major surgery. I recently have been having gastro problems and found out that my abuse of laxatives 7 years ago (lasted 10 years though) has resulted in a twisted colon and may need surgery again. I found this out after vomiting up blood last week and ending up at the doctor. I am no longer the same person I used to be and as a dietician and a person with a huge heart, Please speak to me me if you ever need any help! When we get so involved in the disease we pretend not to care about the negative effects and try not to see them! I used to claim I never wanted children when in actual fact I would kill for a little girl like brothers two beauties!!! All my love Ash xx
  7. I totally understand what you saying! Feeling that way myself. I keep telling myself I'm still thin and people always remind me I am skinny (So keep trying to remind myself of those comments to control my irrational thoughts) I know when I feel bad and I can't look in the mirror unless it is a singular portion of it up and close, so then I don't see the whole picture. You can go do something that makes you feel good, a manicure, a massage! Or put it towards a hobby that distracts you from your fears? I found horse riding and it is theraputic but not cheap! I stopped caring so much about my dress but rather my horse? Tell me if there is anything I can do for you xxxx
  8. It took me years to eat in front of people! But to me that was a breaking point! And a goal to achieve! I knew at that moment, that I could have a life again and could be accepted back. Its amazing how uncomfortable we make other people feel. I won't lie and say that I still don't scan the menu and watch other peoples plates and how the are eating but i have found true pleasure in feeding myself. I started by going out to eat by myself. First went for tea, eventually ate the biscuit that came with the tea and slowly moved to sushi and a glass of wine. So I practised in front of people i wouldn't have to see again so that I wouldn't feel judged or as guilty! Day by day it changed me! I stick to certain restaurants where the people who work there know and understand my small portions! But make me laugh and feel at home! I hope you will be able to endeve to enhance your life, cause that is what you will do! Its hard I know! And still not 100% But keep chatting and we will all support you xxx All My Love Ashdene
  9. Hey! This is a topic I can totally relate to, and I believe most people with and ED can. I have the largest wardrobe known to man kind with every size under the sun! I just can't let go of my skinny cloths. But I know now how much better and happy I feel when I know I look good in the right size. When I force something on to small it emphasises every imperfection! And only makes me feel worse! You need to learn how to dress your body that makes you feel good not just by what the size is! Infact, go home and cut the labels off your clothes! Its only a number. (I know as somebody with an ED it tends to be an important number!) But you got to brake the cycle!!! So no to the dress! Unless you look at a more appropriate size xxx
  10. Ok did you honestly have a gluten intolerence test and a c-scope to confirm? Look my BMI is 19 and feel guilty to say i have a problem, but one i now i have full controll of! people, one you have a stigma will always pick on you but you need to be strong enough to cope with it and more important know what you are doing is correct and healthy!!! I will respond to you pm asap! But proud of you xoox
  11. oh and by the by, I totally agree with Lifequake, you are never to heavy to suffer from an eating disorder! NEVER!!!!
  12. Hey! 1 year of recovery is really not alot, so you still in a fragile place, so I am so glad you are able to see the signs! And I'll be happy if in ten years time you still see the signs! Its very common that unintentional weight loss (through work for example) is one of the hugest triggers! I know it kills me! If it helps, I am a clinical dietician? For portion sizes, 1 fist should be your starch and a palm size of protein plus two different coloured veg? But if you very underweight i would half that and work up to that as your goal? Please pm me if you need help or even a diet plan? I don't mind? Have you thought about a supplement? xxxx
  13. My personal opinion is to go to the ER? Its amazing what damage bulimia and so forth can course! I had to realised the hard way!!! Including multiple surgery"s! But as i always do, your body should not hurt naturally!!! So be proactive. Go to the ER be honest and not ashamed at all! its more common then we know (sadly) But by being proactive and self assured is your start afresh and start you recovery!!!! xxxxxx
  14. Oh I can completely relate to this, most sleeping aids (....). Because I have an Eating disorder, these sleeping aids I believe made me relax and was not in complete control of myself and as a result I gave into my desperate need to food, The thing that i deprive myself of. That control fly's straight out of the window, I fell like it is a form of sleep walking. I just now take my medications, immediately go to bed, and if I wake, roll over and go back to sleep if possible!! Its hard but i think also there is an element to having an eating disorder and being over controlled? Med's make you loose that control, and you body says FEED ME! Well thats with me? With some hypnotics, sleep walking and increased appetite are a common side effect, that throws in a whole other issue! Hope you get a handle on it!!!! All the best Love Ashdene xox I freeze, kiddies fat free 125ml yoghurts and freeze them, so yummy little snack!
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