peeej

YAY Lysergia! I come back, and it's like.. different! But the same! But different! It's good to see you Yes, this too. I didn't really mention it since the topic was BPD. I helped plan a sexuality and AS conference in the past, and the researcher, at least in person, seemed to respect the ability of autistic people to know how they experienced their gender and sexuality. As opposed to some professional views that block autistic trans people from access that non-autistic trans people have, because of some BS lack of insight argument. (ETA: other MI dxes may also be a barrier to access to SRS or other trans-related services, so not singling out autism spectrum on that one) For me, I do think being autistic and my non-cis gender and sexuality are linked, but hey, it's a good thing. I just have sub-trauma reactions to remembering this one pdoc who, not only was saying "do you like penises or not?" (yes seriously) and also said "You want an aspergers diagnosis so you have an excuse not to change" and refused to even discuss the possibility because he knew two male autistics who were nothing like me.. uh, yeah.

A pdoc who was trying to pursue BPD with me was trying to pin down my sexuality and "use" my bisexuality (and at the time, pretty intense confusion around it) as a marker of unstable identity. Well, I suppose technically my sexual identity was shifting, but I have a pretty strong reaction to that identity piece (of the BPD dx) in general but specifically when it comes to sexuality because it IS fluid. I still want to mail that pdoc a package of Judith Butler's seminal works for toilet reading. Now, distress over it being fluid? That happens. I blame a messed up culture that has removed the skirts from piano legs but is pretty much still good at making people feel like freakheads for stuff that doesn't make babies.

I totally dig the not liking progressive muscle relaxation through clenching, if I'm in any kind of group where they lead us in that I opt out. Clenching the muscle can 'trick' it, not only because it provides your brain with a contrast sensation to being relaxed, but for perpetually tight muscles, contracting the entire muscle can help it actually relax. A possible alternative to laying there and focusing on that icky sensation would be weight lifting followed by stretching. However; as someone who also doesn't like the relaxation technique of contracting muscles, I also seem to be unable to maintain a regimen of weight training. Still, it's a bit better than the PMR. Like Olga I'm a yoga teacher who has found that having people lay down at the end of class (which is actually a really important part of a yoga class) is helpful to relaxing, and people do end up nodding off or falling asleep. You could try a bath, trying to release the muscles in the warm water. Focus on imagining your arms and legs being light and floating. breathe into your belly and lungs and feel the slight increase in buoyancy in your body. There are many visualizations to use for relaxation, but the one to start with might be breath exercise. Just be aware of breath, breathe consciously but not so deeply that you build tension in your body, and if you find your mind wandering, follow only this rule: come back to the breath, and do not berate yourself. Even if your mind wanders every 30 seconds. Place your hands on your belly and chest if the physical sensation will help your focus. Would be interesting to know what techniques work for you. Happy relaxing pj

I take clonazepam PRN for mainly sensory issues which contribute to my anxiety. I don't really know whether clonazepam is helping the actual sensory issues or whether it just reduces the anxiety associated with it, thereby actually allowing me to function better in spite of sensory challenges. Presumably both. I take it PRN about once a week or less. I also take Lamotrigine. If I miss a dose, I experience effects that could be described as an 'aura'; I often don't realize why I feel so funny. For perhaps a more relevant anecdote, I'll share the experience of my SO who has been on clonazepam for years and has tried unsuccessfully to get off it. He has had no luck getting a doctor to help eliminate this drug. And yes, withdrawal is a nightmare. He was reducing the dose by eighths of .5 and eventually just had to go back on it. He has developed a tolerance over time, a distinctly physical need to take it consistently or risk not only a general instability of mood and heightened anxiety but physical symptoms that spill over into seizure territory. His description of the experience includes the feeling that the volume on everything is turned up so high that his environment becomes overwhelming. One problem with anticonvulsants that I've experienced (Lamictal for over 3 years), and it bears true for him with clonazepam as well, is the feeling of being slower. ACs prevent seizures by slowing down the firing of neurons (their original effect being to prevent the haywire firing of electrical impulses associated with seizures). For me, it is like I increasingly can't think as fast. I remember myself having a 'rhythm' that is no longer there. I was more driven to be interested, and thinking about more things, and more able to make connections and string complex thoughts together. With anticonvulsants, over time the brain gets used to operating at a slower rate. Over time, taking the drug for a long period keeps the brain in a depressed state (whether or not a person feels "depressed"), and it follows that a depressed (in the non-mood sense) brain will be making fewer to no new connections. Under-stimulation of the brain eventually leads to memory loss, confusion, dementia. Now, removing the chemical compound that slows down the firing can have the effect of making the firing increase and this is why anticonvulsants should be tapered slowly or even people not taking them for a seizure disorder can have withdrawal seizures. People can have seizures withdrawing from alcohol. It makes sense that suddenly not taking a drug like clonazepam would create all kinds of body sensations and thought disturbances. The brain is being activated far more than usual. If you blindfold yourself for an extended period of time, even moderate to low lighting can be too intense. If you wear earplugs constantly, you will be more sensitive to sounds. The point is, creating a barrier to brain stimulation and then removing that barrier has effects. Keeping the brain active has the effect of keeping it robust, and things like crossword puzzles, intense physical activity, sex, social interaction all can serve to stave off these things even in people who do not take psych or other meds. Intense physical activity can help regulate brain activity. Even walking helps coordinate the two hemispheres of the brain. Not keeping active (from hip replacement/convalescence to just being shoved in an institution), as we know for elders, can make someone very quickly slide into dementia (which includes Alzheimer's -- there is a whole other category of dementia that is due to drugs, and another caused by illness such as AIDS). I had a doctor suggest a Lamictal taper (at my request) that was incredibly aggressive. I decided to not go off the anticonvulsant mainly because of positive life transitions I've been going through, but if I was going to taper (I think I eventually will), I would have a pdoc work with me much slower than this doctor initially proposed. Of course in some cases nothing else but a drug like clonazepam works. A cost-benefit analysis can result in an informed choice to remain on a medication that over time will have an undesirable outcome in the long term -- the quality of life it affords is worth it.

partly posting because less able to keep it hidden partly posting to ask about other autistic experiences, maybe with being able to control it. or how to deal with not being able to control it. it's not a bad thing that other people with tourettes, ocd, hypomania, adhd, or anyone even without any brain cooties has some type of diversion response to discomfort. of course people will. it just feels like a bad thing to me when the way this is shared is "oh, that's not just autistics/bipolars/green aliens (read, what the fuck was this topic for anyway -- or i never bothered to read what forumCONTEXT this was in" .. and as well meaning as it is to try and normalize an experience, it's all happening in a context that feels like it could be specifically autistic. example: many people "flap" when a bee is near them. NT flaps. *flapflapflap* oh gee, why are they flapping? what is it? oh, it's a bee. makes sense. Autie flaps. *flapflapflap* oh gee, why are they flapping? (ummmm okaaay there is no bee) [or, there they go flapping again - annoying. that's so distracting -- never bothering to see that there is a bee there.] how is it being *read*? i think im supposed to appreciate being "normalized". maybe add that to AF's list. peeej ~ comfortable in the privacy of her own home since 1981

i do preemptive stuff too. im basically referring to a non-verbal state that happens - hence the use of the word *vocalize* - when ive withdrawn (for whatever reason). it doesn't just happen when i've 'said something stupid' but sometimes just from an interaction, and "seeing myself". i save it all up if i can control all those finger movements (like playing a piano with no piano there). but then when i am alone, it all lets go. you should just delete this topic, nalgas -- apparently everybody flaps.

also pretty cool - i went batshit and inpatient on celexa. a lot later i was put on cipralex/lexapro. ah, the blurring between education and marketing. it's really happening everywhere. future shop in the classroom (as long as you paint the room FS colours we'll give you computers!)... history books (no, the other guys were evil barbarians)... a marxism and capitalism lecture thanks for sharing, opie

but it's kind of demonstrative in some small way (im referring to this discomfort) soooooo, if there's something that happens that i feel all discombobulated about, i have to make a sound or movement to dissipate the feeling. so sometimes i leave a place, get in my car, and if i realize 'oh shit, i said something really stupid back there' i flap and vocalize. i can mainly control it around other people. occasionally i can't. hrm. i guess this is more of an 'anyone else' kind of topic. anyone else?

I was saying how it didn't matter whether it was a little shock or big shock... shock is shock and, to me, not an acceptable practice. I actually thought I was treading lightly, as "NTs" are always told to do. I didn't think you were doing anything problematic, opie. just to clarify that. I think i understood and I agreed with what you said. I just had to respond to/concur with the sentiment that stomping all over the opinions of autistic people in the autie space is touchy. and probably something to be aware of. i hope it didn't sound like i was suggesting that non-auties should be not allowed to post or something.