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About CybilServant

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  1. I'm afraid of being chased/caught and hurting other people. Everything goes back to this fear. I'm terrified of the dentist because I have to lie there and worry that I will lose control and hurt someone while trying to 'escape'. Anywhere I see a cop it makes me panic because I'm afraid they will chase me.
  2. Oh wow I never thought about that... maybe? I don't believe any of the weird stuff my parents do but you know how when you've been told something for long enough it's just kind of there in your brain? (They didn't think therapy was useful but thats just because they think everyone with an issue is possessed.) But I really really want therapy to work for me On a happy note I was able to get an appointment with my new therapist so hopefully we can find some solutions!
  3. Elaborate? Hm where to begin lol. My parents have some unfounded beliefs and basically think that doctors try to kill people. It doesn't make any sense, I know! But we didn't go to the doctor and every time a family member died/ was ill my parents told us the dr's made them sick/killed them. I grew up pretty terrified of medical professionals. And cops and firemen. We were never EVER supposed to get in an ambulance or call 911. That was right up there with not taking candy from strangers in windowless vans.
  4. Thank you for the reply. I've never had a doctor I just went to appointments the therapists made for me to get the pills. I guess I don't know the difference between a therapist and psychologist. My parents think that dr's try to kill people so we never went as kids and it's all new to me. I'll do some google research
  5. Thank you guys for the help! There are definitely meds I haven't tried yet. The two I tried were for depression because all the therapists insisted I am depressed (even though I can't relate to any of the symptoms it's so stupid). On the depression meds they upped my dose because it was making me blackout entire days I couldn't remember (so up the dose, right?) and one day I went off to end my life which I have never before or since felt it was TERRIFYING when I realized what was happening. They stopped me cold turkey that same day and I'm scared to try anything else :/ I've never ever wanted to kill myself before, it was awful. I guess I'll just keep trying. I wish I could at least see improvement to encourage me ugh
  6. Yes! I've been through three therapists and two doctors so far Starting my fourth therapist as soon as they can get me in. The first lady was provided by my campus and was just really not getting it and assured me that 'everyone gets anxious sometimes' kind of deal. After a year of that I tried someone who ended up really wanting me to convert to a religion and I'm just not into that, even if it's worked for other people. Third lady was obsessed with my childhood and convinced it was really awful and the key to my recovery was to forgive my parents. I had an average childhood and I've never held anything against my parents. All of these therapists told me I was depressed, btw. They said anxiety and depression go together. My mum has anxiety and depression and I can't relate. But again, I know it can look different for different people. Thank you guys for your help! I'm just super confused about what depression feels like since I don't see myself in the common symptoms. Maybe reading through the depression forum will help.
  7. I just want to get better but the suggestions are akin to: stay positive, go out and do stuff, exercise, eat well, chill with friends. I already do all these things :/
  8. I have panick attacks and excessive energy. When I'm really stressed out I see people who aren't there (although I'm not always 100% sure they're there or not because sometimes they are) and my hearing will go in and out like get farther away. I have severe memory problems. I hear people saying my name when they aren't, but that happens to other people a lot I'm told. I always think my phone is ringing when it's not. Just all that basic anxiety stuff and I've never been suicidal in my life except one instance where they upped my Prozac because I had a negative reaction to it (why?!). I stopped meds after that they didnt help at all. Other than that I've never wanted to kill my self I just want a damn minute of peace. Is this what depression is like? They told me the same thing that it's different for different people. Both my mum and sister have depression and I can't relate to them at all.
  9. I am SO sick of people telling me I'm depressed... I'm not depressed! None of the symptoms match up! I keep hearing it over and over and I get mad when they tell me that. Am I totally missing something? Were you diagnosed with depression and it didn't make sense? Maybe I just have a huge misunderstanding of what depression is. I'm not sad or lethargic I haven't lost interest in my passions. I sleep well, am eating fine, no self esteem issues. Is there a reason they keep telling me this?
  10. I am so frustrated. Two years of therapy with three different people and I haven't got any grip on myself. At least I don't feel worse as time goes on but the stakes are higher and consequences greater as I get older. What am I supposed to do? We've done worksheets, breathing exercises, and discussed my stupid childhood for months on end. I just want to feel ok. I don't know what I'm doing wrong. I tried some meds that did nothing at all and I tried some that I had a terrifying reaction to. How long until you started to feel better? I'm starting to get really scared that I will never improve. My diagnosis is 'generalized anxiety with failure to adjust' what does that even mean? My last therapist says I haven't forgiven my parents but I've never held anything against them. I had an average childhood and she kept pushing like something terrible happened to me but nothing has! I've had a great life aside from this crippling anxiety. I'm so confused and frustrated I'm going to see another therapist in about a week. But I'm the common denominator I think it's just me I won't get better and I don't know why.
  11. I've been totally honest with her and it's been easier than I thought. I'm at a point in life where I desperately want help so I don't want waste any time. Hoping she knows what to do! It's only been three weeks of treatment so I know it takes more time than that to see results.
  12. I've never been motivated to stop SHing by itself, it's the only thing that's helped. But when it gets in the way of doing other things I love is when I despise it and want to quit more than anything. Remind yourself of/discover/pursue your passion in life. Cutting doesn't fit into most dreams.
  13. That definitely happens to me. The worst part is like you said when you're still deciding which is real- your waking life or the horrible dream you just woke up from. Some dreams do bother me throughout a day or more depending on how horrible they were. Most of the time I just have dreams where I am killed which used to bother me but is old hat by now. I do think having anxiety could make this worse because it lets the same thoughts of the dream go around and around in your head while someone else might just forget about them.
  14. Thank you all for your answers. I agree that it will probably get easier as trust is established. I would never outright lie to them, I do want to get proper treatment so I can get better, but may not bring up certain things until I feel safe to do so. My sister unfortunately had a dr that wasn't that great who set her back quite a ways (she since found someone who's helped her a great deal) so I guess I was just nervous.
  15. I finally made an appointment with a counselor, which is a step in the right direction. I haven't had a real appointment yet, just an intro to get the gist of what's going on, make sure I didn't need emergency help etc. I want to be open about stuff because I really want to get better but I'm kind of nervous of talking about everything. I'm scared I'll get reported or they'll recommend I get committed or something. I don't think I'm any worse off than the majority of people struggling with stuff, I just want help. But once you take about what's going on you can't take that back. I feel like saying that I want to do something will mean to them that I will do something. I'm not suicidal at all (and have never been, actually) I'm talking more along the lines of SH or daydreaming about stuff like that. How honest are you with your counselor? Do you tell them everything that's really going on? I've never gotten help before so I think I'm just nervous about the unknown. I just want to get a grip on my life.
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