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Remnants

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Everything posted by Remnants

  1. Thanks everyone, that makes me feel better about it
  2. Has anyone had any experience with taking two AD's together. I'm already on Mirtazapine 45mg & today my doctor said to stay on that but to start another one called cymbalta. She wants me to start on 30 & go up to 60mg. They're different classes of AD's too I believe. Things are really bad & I'm willing to try anything right now. It just makes me a bit nervy. I googled it & it only says what I had already suspected; serotonin syndrome being a possible reaction which I'm sure she's aware of. I go back to see her in a week. Just wanted to see if this is a normal practice.
  3. So one out of the two people I met with were nicer. I was actually in astonishment leaving. Like I had fallen into an alternative dimension. But that was short lived. They were suppose to call this morning to check on me which didn't happen. I got some grumpy person call this arvo telling me that I didn't want any contact with them. Well, yes. When you've treated me like shit in the past of course I don't. They keep asking me what I want. I guess it's this new mental health act the grumpy one aluded to the other day. But I literally have no idea. I don't want anything. Nothing helps. I can't ask for what I want. I feel awful. Last night & today have been so bad. I would have actually been honest if it was the nicer lady from the other day had followed through. So much for my optimism. I just want them gone again.
  4. Okay, thanks. Good to know. yup, definitely not being so honest with this psych again.
  5. Update: I got a phone call on the way to see my psych, she was okay. She actually listened to me say that i didn't want them coming to my home and that I had had bad experiences with them. Agreed I didn't have to see them today. Follow up late this arvo, same lady, still nice. She agreed that I didn't have to go in to see them because of uni. She said she has a background in what I'm studying so brownie points to her. I hope that I see her, not someone else (but at the same time, everyone in my profession knows each other & wanting to work in this area mean keeping a good reputation. I need to not be seen as a suicidal, incompetent, BPD person). ANOTHER call at like 5:30 this arvo from some other person to find a time for me to go to the adult mental health clinic (scary!). Like get your shit together. I'm busy. I don't want to spend the like hour I have before uni meeting with you when I could be having a yummy lunch at the shopping centre. But whatever, I'll play your game. I'll meet you, tell you I'm fine & go to uni. {Rant ahead} She fucking wanted me to cancel my volunteer commitments for her. Like fuck off. Isn't it important that I keep up appearances & do my normal shit. Like volunteering is the only thing in addition to uni I have going for me. I volunteer in a service I'd like to one day work for. I'm not going to take another day off just because you want me to. If you would meet me at a park I could make more time but no, you want me to go to this clinic. I'm hurt that my psych didn't call this arvo like she had said she would. I know that this whole catt business probably cancelled that out but I would have liked to know.
  6. I'm between my second and third year of my degree & I've been feeling so incompetent & like I know nothing, questioning why I'm doing this at all. However, having finished most 2nd year units & starting some 3rd year units, the one 2nd year unit I'm doing does make me feel like I actually know stuff.
  7. I'm sorry all this has happened, it can be really scary when adults take control. Hopefully they can get you the assistance you need. I hope your journal shows up too
  8. They're suppose to call tomorrow. I'm going try to either see them somewhere else or not see them at all.
  9. Yeah, I feel like most psychs have a very idealistic view of these services. Maybe they have to because there isn't anything else.
  10. Yeah, as long as I've been self harming I've had imaginary self harm too. I hope you're able to keep yourself safe right now &/or have some support.
  11. Yeah, that's pretty much it. Nope, for them to leave me alone? Haha.
  12. Australians are probably like 'say no more' and anyone else are like 'What?' I'm being referred to the crisis assessment and treatment team. AKA people that driving around judging people and making people feel more like killing themselves during crisis. My psych referred me. I spoke to psych triage.. the phone version, tonight. CATT will call tomorrow. I told her 'I have a diagnosis of BPD on file. They're just going to judge me and treat me like crap, invalidate me.' She's like 'You have a diagnosed mental health condition, you're not worth any less that anyone else. A lot has changed since your last contact with us, we've had a lot of education on the needs of people like you and that was {insert different area here} we're {insert current area here}.' I said 'fine, whatever'. So, I need to try to keep them away from my home. My mum is here and I can't have her know whats going on. It just complicated everything. I'm pissy with my psych for referring me, I'm pissy with me for telling her anything and for struggling so much and I'm pissy with them for just not doing it anything like they've done so many times in the past. The lady that I spoke to was very two faced. She acted all sweet so maybe I'd tell her whatever, but you could also tell she was hiding a grumpy, evil side they all have. Anyways, I'm sure I'll need to complain some more before this is all over. So I'll do so here.
  13. I've not ever heard of not being diagnosed under 18 but I guess it varies country to country and between health professionals. I'd definitely want to encourage you to seek out support from a professional, like your GP, school counsellor, youth service or something similar in your area. Its definitely something you want to treat and the earlier the better. I was told by a psych before that 'you can find evidence to justify anything if you try. i could find evidence i was a completely different race or something if i tried'. Not in terms of invalidating your experience, it sounds like you definitely have a lot going on & it's really hard for you but that you can get the help and support you need if you let a professional do the diagnosis work & check for anything else. Just making sure you get the right diagnosis and treatment.
  14. Sorry I'm not much help. But we're here if you need it to get through til your appointments.
  15. Yeah, I get that. But you are worth help and getting better and believing bett things about yourself I'm sure your loved ones do. If you talk about this they might be able to dismantle some of the negative thoughts through positive ones? do you see a Tdoc? It sounds like it would be really beneficial to work through this with them. When it's so deeply engrained like I know it is for me, it's so hard to shift by yourself and it's hard to deal with long term. You are worth getting help, you are worth support and you are worth feeling better about yourself.
  16. Made my room accessible (tidy) to trades people tomorrow. Maybe out of sight out of mind kind of tidying but considering where my brain is, it's better than nothing.
  17. As much pain as the worst days I've ever experienced. But so very greatful to have one of the services I've used in the past who, when I told this to, swooped in & have done everything they can to make sure I can survive this. I'm so lucky.
  18. It depends on what it's related to but generally I talk about it. Mostly to do with apologising for whatever it is that's making me feel shameful. Whether it's justified or not. Given the little context I don't know if that's helpful but I hope you can talk about it with someone you trust, maybe Tdoc or something. It's a difficult emotion to carry.
  19. Yes, I can so relate. I think it's the things that underline the mental illness. Coupled with the mental illness making it worse. It's a very dark rabit hole. But of course I don't know for sure where yours comes from. I really encourage you to talk to any supports you might have about this & try to find a way out of it. I know you say you know it's untrue but feels true, it could slip over it thinking it's completely true if you ruminate on it too much. Please know there isn't anything inherently wrong with you. Even if you know it on some level, maybe hearing it could help.
  20. Clean clothes do uni tomorrow plus off the floor, clean backpack that has been sitting there for 4 months (since the end of uni last year) with shit spilt in it, cook a healthy dinner to last at least the week, finish making my top for manual handling class coz I don't own any tops suitable, pack backpack for uni tomorrow including cutting up veggies for a snack. all complete! with only a minor mental breakdown compared to normal day before Uni returns preparation days
  21. I'm so sorry you had two really difficult things happen at the same time. It's so hard to loose a Tdoc you trust & have to try to find someone, then build that trust again. On top of dealing with someone I'm assuming what quiet manipulative. It's understandable you resorted to old coping strategies. Yeah, I've always wanted the opportunity to say some of them, but also thankfully never have had to. I'm glad you're doing better. Please feel free to post here whenever you need. It's a safe place & there are some really lovely people about.
  22. it's really hard & frustrating when everyone is telling you to stop something that you find beneficial. I guess most people have some level of worry about more severe or permanent damage. Obviously I don't know how you go about bruising but for me to bruise myself I would need to do something that would potentially compromise my bones. Maybe it's something like that? It really varies from person to person. Have you tried explaining all this? Is it your treating team or friends/family? I have adopted a more like 'I won't self harm unless I really need to, but I'm not trying to stop' approach. I did this as a late teenager but it's stayed with me. So I guess different to you but not taking that extreme approach people expect, like 'you have to stop right now'. I hope you find some people here you can relate to & the people in your life saying this can let up or understand, it's not beneficial to have people adopting that position all the time.
  23. So I gave her a note that basically said what you had, she said that it's if I have a certain plan for a close date, ect. Just the standard stuff. I had also self harmed this week so I told her & it was fine. She wants to check in about it & my suicidal risk ongoingly now though. Thanks.
  24. Thanks. I really do appreciate the support & the logical, frustration (for want of a better phrase) for me. I'm scared of confrontation and I'm scared to talk to the boss. I might meet with her next week & see where that goes. Its really affecting me, or pushing things that were already at breaking point over that threshold. I don't have the strength to do anything about it right now. I feel so pathetic.
  25. Thanks guys. I really appreciate it. I emailed her this arvo & said a lot of the stuff I said here. Basically I felt like I couldn't say it in person, that I'd chicken out or she'd not really listen. She replied with this big thing about being welcome to talk to someone else at the service, change workers, ect. But she said that like I can choose whoever I wanted implying I knew anyone else which I really don't. Or we can make up a 'contract' to keep her accountable & to kinda know what to expect. Idk how well that would work. I kinda just want to leave the service right now. It's not particularly helpful anyways. But I'm also in a very self distructive state right now, so it's probably not the best time to make that call. Although, I don't think I've ever made a decision like that & regretted it.
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