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Posts posted by MattMVS7

  1. I have learned that positive emotions are how we experience the joy, beauty, love, and good values of this life and universe.  When I feel a positive emotion, that is like me getting a surge of sheer joy and beauty from the universe itself.  Nothing compares to this.  Values founded upon intellect, morals, higher obligations and responsibilities, and character strength/development are nothing in comparison.  They do not bring our lives any real value at all since they do not allow us to experience any good and beautiful values in our lives.  These intellectual and moral values are founded upon words.  That is, the words we think and the actions we perform.  But positive emotions are good and beautiful values that go beyond words. 

    Positive emotions are like a holy and sacred life force to our lives while words themselves cannot be this life force which means intellectual and moral values would have to be completely empty and do not bring our lives any real value.  Lastly, negative emotions such as feelings of despair and grief would have to be the inner darkness since they are the opposite of positive emotions which would be like the inner light to our lives and conscious being.  Therefore, having a depressive illness can only take away the inner light in your life and render your life of little to no good value and beauty depending upon how much your positive emotions are sapped out of you.  If you have only a small degree of positive emotions, then your life can only hold a slim amount of good value and beauty.  But if you have a large degree of positive emotions in your life, then your life has a bigger amount of good value and beauty.

  2. 2 hours ago, melissaw72 said:

    Have you found a tdoc and pdoc since writing last?

    I agree with jt ... I also think you really need to find a tdoc and pdoc, and get evaluated by them, if not already.

    I have a therapist and am taking medication.  The medication isn't working for the worry because this is an unresolved situation.  As long as this situation remains unresolved; that is, as long as I am not fine with this situation, then I will continue to remain worried.  My therapist has advised me to try and interrupt the worry by deep breathing and doing my hobbies.  But this isn't working either.  Please read my previous post I have just made because I do not understand how it is possible for me to not be worried and troubled when I am not fine and not comfortable with this situation.

  3. I am coming back to this topic once more because I have a very important question.  That is, if you are not fine and not at peace at all with a certain situation and it is the most horrible situation, then how are you supposed to not be worried, in pain, and troubled about it?  I am not fine with the situation of experiencing those horrific altered mental states and depressive feelings that I had in my nightmares during a near death experience.

    If I were to experience that fully conscious during an nde, that would be an experience far beyond horrible.  So that is why I can never be fine with the possibility of that happening.  Therefore, since I am not fine with such a horrible possibility, then how am I supposed to not be troubled, in pain, and not worried about that situation?  The way I see it, the only way to not be troubled, in pain, and worried about any given situation would be for you to be in the mindset of being just fine and coping with that situation.

    After all, that is how our brains adapt to situations.  When a harsh or horrible situation comes into our lives, then our brain will adapt to that situation in which we will be fine and comfortable with such situations.  Once we are fine, that also gets rid of the pain, the worry, and the tribulation.  But as long as it is a situation where you are not adapting to it (not fine and comfortable with it), then I don't see how there can be any hope for me.

    I just don't see how this obsessive worry and tribulation can disappear or even ease up as long as I remain not at peace and not fine with this situation.

  4. 2 minutes ago, heilmania said:

    Matt, there are plenty of people who live their lives without worrying about this. With therapy and probably meds, you can get past it, but you have to be willing to try. 

    Yes, I've already been told this.  But where I am getting at is that I am in a dangerous situation here since I cannot have a bowel movement due to this obsessive worry.  If I don't have a bowel movement within a certain time and it all builds up in my system, I will die.

  5. This obsessive thought has disabled my functioning in life.  It has turned off the functions of my brain that allow me to be fully functional in life.  It has also turned off a certain faculty.  It has turned off my ability to push in order to get a bowel movement out.

    I try to push to get it out, but I am barely able to push at all.  My mind would have to be fully comfortable, relaxed, and not worried about anything at all in order to get the bowel movement out.  I am not constipated at all.  The bowel is soft.  But I am unable to push to get it out.

    There is no physical issue going on here.  This is all a mental issue here that is preventing me from having a bowel movement.  Even the urge to have a bowel movement is turned off.  I think this is a dangerous situation because there is not a single moment that my mind can be relaxed and not worried in order for me to pass the bowel movement.

    There is a certain area of my brain that needs to be active.  It needs to be turned on in order to give me my ability to push.  I can try to push all I want, but it is not going to work since that area of the brain is turned off.  I can only push to a very small degree and I cannot push any further than that.

    If I wasn't worried at all, then that area of my brain would turn back on and I would be able to fully push in order to get the bowel movement out.  But there is not a single moment where I am not worried about this thought at all.

    It is a constant 24/7 worry and there is no way for me to let that thought go in any given moment.  If I had the choice to either experience the worst possible physical pain such as having my torso ripped apart or to instead experience those horrible altered mental states from my depressive nightmares fully conscious during a near death experience, I think I just might choose to have my torso ripped.  Especially if the near death experience is a more intense experience than my worst nightmares.

    Those horrible altered mental states are not the experience of me screaming in pain and agony.  It is a completely different experience than that.  It is an experience far worse than that.  I would not describe this experience as pain.  There is no way to describe this experience.  It is the most horrible experience.  

    So to try and help me not be worried about this thought would be no different than trying to make me not worried about the possibility that I could have my torso ripped apart (if there was the likely possibility that could happen to me).  There is no way I can be at peace with such a notion and nor is there any way I can not worry about such a thing.

  6. I have a friend who suffers from horrible flashbacks and I have a question regarding flashbacks.  We know the types of experiences flashbacks can bring back such as certain smells, sounds, and emotions.

    But are there certain types of experiences that cannot be brought back during a flashback such as feeling hungry, tired, thirsty, etc.?  The most important question I have here is, would that also include the completely altered and strange horrible mental states we experience in our dreams and nightmares?

    These types of altered mental states during dreams and nightmares cannot be described.  They are entirely new experiences unlike any other.  They are not experiences like touch, smell, feelings, etc.  They are completely altered mental states.  So can those altered mental states be brought back and experienced during your waking life during a flashback or not?   

  7. My mind is also desperately trying to hold onto this worry.  It does not ever want to let it go since it is something so horrible.  I do not feel comfortable at all letting this go.  Even though I want this worry to be gone since that would give me my life back and would allow me to function and do my hobbies, at the same time, my mind does not want to let it go. 

  8. 1 hour ago, jt07 said:

    Well, I got this from here:

    Notice that is PER YEAR. Not once in a lifetime. That is per year.

    As for the near death experiences, the number of them could be much higher and that would even go for the hellish ones.  This would be because many people do not feel comfortable talking about them.  So who knows the actual percentage of ndes.  Even if it was a very low percentage, that would still make me worried.  I just simply cannot let this go which is why I will try talking with my therapist to see what we can do about this.

  9. 3 minutes ago, jt07 said:

    Ok. If I believe the latest and most liberal of the polls, as of 1992, 5% of the population had suffered a nde. That's FIVE percent - not fifty percent. This means that there is a 95% chance that you will never ever have a nde. Also, keep in mind that only a fraction of those ndes are horrifying. You have a GREATER THAN 95% chance of never having a negative nde.

    But then again, there are a small percentage of people in the United States who suffer from depression and I so happen to be one of those people.  Here is what it says:

    "Affects more than 15 million American adults, or about 6.7 percent of the U.S. population age 18 and older in a given year. Persistent depressive disorder, or PDD, (formerly called dysthymia) is a form of depression that usually continues for at least two years."

    So that is like saying I am 93.3% likely to not have depression.  But I have it.

  10. 1 minute ago, jt07 said:

    What is your basis for that? Do you know anyone who has had one? I don't. I haven't even heard of anyone who has had one except rarely in the media. How many people are in the United States? How come we aren't hearing about it every day?

    I even talked with my therapist before and he even said he had an nde.  This shows how common they are:


  11. 1 minute ago, jt07 said:

    Matt, how many people do you know who have had near death experiences? I'm betting not very many because near death experiences are rare. Even much rarer are bad near death experiences. So you are worrying about something that is highly, highly unlikely to happen to you ever.

    As long as you insist that the probability must be 0%, you will never be happy. If I get into a car, the odds are much greater that I will be in an accident than you have of having a nde. Yet I still get into my car. I still live my life. I don't  insist that the probably of getting into an accident be 0% before I will go anywhere. I just have faith in my driving skill to get me through.

    I think the probability of me having a near death experience is higher than what you are making it out to be.  

  12. 2 hours ago, heilmania said:

    I'm so glad you're going to be receiving treatment- give the meds some time to work, and see what the therapist has to say. I bet things are not as bleak as you see them right now. 

    The only way my life can be better again is if I were to accept the possibility that I could have that experience I mentioned before.  But there is no way I can possibly accept that since that experience was so indescribably horrible.  As long as I don't accept that, then my life won't get better.  But there is no way for me to be fine with and accept this. If it were an experience that wasn't all that bad, then I would be not worried, would have my life back, and would find myself accepting such an experience if it were to happen.

  13. 2 minutes ago, amianthus said:

    Your life doesn't have to remain like this. Are you receiving any help in the form of meds or therapy?

    Committing suicide would only increase the chances of having a near death experience. As others have said above, please go to the ER or A&E if you feel that you are a risk to yourself

    Yes, it's not okay that you're not functioning due to this worry. Something needs to change, maybe more than one thing, and maybe what ultimately helps will be something you wouldn't have imagined up until then. There is hope out there to be found, and talking to a professional who may be able to help you function better is an ideal first step towards it.

    Even if the object of the fear (the possibility of these experiences) is immense in itself, there must be more to it, otherwise everyone who had ever heard or experienced or been able to imagine a future of terrible things would live in perpetual terror ... if, once treatment helps you function better and not feel suicidal, this is still something that still troubles you on any level, you will be better placed to try to find solutions

    I am starting to try meds now and will go into therapy soon.  I will present what I have written to my therapist and see what he has to say.  As for suicide, if I am put out as quick as possible, that will prevent any near death experience from happening.  If my brain shuts down as soon as possible, that will prevent any near death experience from happening.  But I hope you are right and I do really hope there is something that will bring my life back.

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  14. 1 hour ago, amianthus said:

    I can relate to this statement terribly, and I'm really sorry that you're going through all of this and that it's taken over your life to such an extent.  

    When you are really afraid of something happening, and it feels like such a real and immediate threat, to be told to "let it go" feels horrifically absurd, like standing alone in a corner of a room, trapped by an approaching fire, or even in the middle of it already, while someone is telling you "hey, you don't need to do anything about this fire -- nobody does." I get the frustration of it -- of thinking, but this is real, this is terrifying, and I have to do something about it – I have to fight it, to prevent it, but I don’t know HOW, -- and the isolation due to other people not seeming to see the need to fight it or act at all.

    I don’t think, though, that therapy would necessarily be just about “letting it go” – it could be a combination of things, from examining whether there’s actually anything that can be done about it, to looking at whether the worry or fear serves any purpose or is helpful in any way, to finding ways to relieve some of the symptoms you are experiencing now (if not this one) and try and make the present moment less hellish.

    Meds, even if they do not solve the worry which has taken over your life, can help to relieve symptoms that either it is causing or that are arising alongside it. They can help you think more clearly about what to do to solve the situation.

    More so, I don’t think you have anything to lose by trying meds and therapy if you’re not already doing so. It sounds like you’re already going through hell, and afraid of worse.

    I wish I had a complete solution for you, but the truth is, I struggle a lot with these kinds of things too; trouble finding peace because of both the awful things that already exist and those that seem sometimes to be inevitable for the future.

    I’ve not heard specifically of unpleasant near-death experiences either, and while it may be possible for it to happen, it is relatively unlikely, and most people who have near-death experiences seem to have extremely positive ones. In addition, I think I read (but I might be mistaken) that only a very small minority of people experience NDEs at all.

    So it may well never happen at all; even if it does, there will be a period of length of whatever time between now and when it happens, and continuing to live in this state is not going to change that. I guess that’s the whole point of “letting go” – not allowing the awful possibilities of the future to spill into and taint the rest of life that comes before they might -- but I understand again that this is not simple, and means very little when you don’t have an actual practical, effective method for “letting go”, which I unfortunately haven’t found yet either.

    One thing I would like to say, though, is that I feel like we can be fully aware during our night-mares too, and have had many myself which were hyper-real, more intense than waking life. Have you ever heard of lucid dreaming? It’s a stretch, but perhaps that could offer you a little hope in this situation.

    Please keep talking, and keep trying things, even if it feels like dripping water into the ocean; like it can’t possibly work – it might well not, but you never know whether it could lead you closer to a real answer to the situation.

    I am not functioning in doing any of my hobbies or anything due to this worry.  It has also lead me in becoming suicidal since it is something impossible for me to let go and as long as I cannot be at peace with it and let it go, then my life will continue to remain this way.  As long as my life is like this, then that means there is no hope and that will lead me to commit suicide.

  15. 1 minute ago, jt07 said:

    The whole purpose of meds and therapy is to change your mindset even though you think it cannot be done. That's what the meds and therapy were designed for, I've told you that I had obsessions and that meds and therapy helped immensely. Please don't discount my experience, I wouldn't tell you something if I didn't know it would work. The key on your part is to be and honest with your pdoc about this obsession and how it is affecting your life.

    Nobody has said that you have to be at peace with a terrifying prospect. Anybody would be terrified if they had such thoughts. The thing is, though, near death experiences are pretty rare and bad ones are even rarer. It's about perspective and that's what meds and therapy do for you.

    What do you mean that I don't need to be at peace?  The only way to get my life back is to not be worried about this and the only way to not be worried about this is to be at peace with this.

  16. 1 minute ago, melissaw72 said:

    I'm sorry you don't think your mindset won't change.


    FWIW ... my mindset has actually changed before.  Completely changed.  It took lots of therapy and a pdoc (now only a pdoc who does his own therapy), and meds to help me along, to eventually change my mindset about things.  So it can happen.  There are ways to do it ... Idk what all the ways to do it are because everyone is different and react different ways to things, in general.

    I am sorry that I am not understanding your post.  Thought I was.



    How is it possible then for me to be fine and at peace with the idea of possibly experiencing those horrible depressive mental states fully conscious during a near death experience?  It would be an experience so horrible that there is no way for me to be fine and at peace with the idea of possibly experiencing that.

  17. You don't understand.  There is no hope for this situation since the only way I can get better is if there is a change in mindset.  I would somehow have to go from not being fine and not being at peace with this to being fine and at peace with this situation.  But this is impossible since I am not fine and am not at peace with the idea of possibly experiencing those indescribable horrible depressive mental states fully conscious during a near death experience.

  18. 3 minutes ago, jt07 said:

    You think it is beyond medication, but I'm telling you that it is not. Once the medication weakens the obsession then therapy can be very effective. You just have to be honest with your psychiatrist and tell him/her about this obsession and how it is affecting your enjoyment of life.

    I'm not going to comment on near death experiences because I don't think they are real or anything other than brain activity. But people can disagree with me depending on their religious views and that's ok. Regardless, meds and therapy can help you.

    In order for this to work, then the situation itself has to be resolved somehow.  There is no possible way for me to let go of the situation and not worry about it.  If these therapies are aimed towards trying to let go of the situation, then it is not going to work since this is a situation that is so horrible that there is no way for me to let it go.

  19. 9 minutes ago, jt07 said:

    There are meds for excessive worry and obsessions, and there are meds for nightmares that happen often. Talk to your doctor about it. I'd say there is plenty of hope for your situation.

    Where did you get that ^^. This is the first I'e heard of it.

    This is far beyond medication.  This is a situation that is so beyond horrible that there is no possible way for me to let it go and not worry about it.  As for your question, hellish ndes are said to be worse than your worst nightmares.  The mental states during those ndes are said to be worse than what you experience in your worst nightmares.  The horrible emotional experiences and other horrible mental states are far more intense in hellish ndes than during nightmares.

  20. I have had horrible depressive nightmares as a result of severe depression throughout my life.  These depressive nightmares were not normal experiences of a normal healthy depressed brain.  

    They were experiences of a severely ill and tormented brain since my depression has gotten to the point of being so severe that it has taken my life away.

    The depression (hopelessness) and the horrible mental states experienced in those nightmares were nothing normal and was beyond anything imaginable since experiences in nightmares are nothing like experiences in your waking life.  

    People who have near death experiences sometimes have distressing or hellish ones.  They experience the horrible indescribable mental states that they experience in their worst nightmares just as bad or even far worse than their worst nightmares.

    But it's much worse since they experience it fully conscious since people are fully conscious and aware during their near death experiences.  

    They are hyper aware and everything is hyper real.  To be fully aware and conscious of these horrible experiences is far worse than being less aware of them during your nightmares.  

    If I ever have a near death experience myself someday, then there is the possibility that I could experience those horrible indescribable depressive mental states that I experienced in those depressive nightmares.  

    To experience that fully conscious would be something so indescribably horrible that there is no way for me to be fine with that and not worry about that.

    The possibility (no matter how slim) that I could have such a hellish or distressing near death experience has completely taken my life away from me.  

    It is a constant non-stop 24/7 obsessive worry that has destroyed my life to where I am not functioning and not doing any of my hobbies, it has troubled me, traumatized me, and has made everything in my life completely devoid of all joy and meaning to make my life worth living.

    So my life is now completely gone and is no longer worth living which is why I have to somehow find a way to address this worry so that I can have my life back.  

    But I don't think it's possible and I think there is no hope since it is impossible for me to let something this horrible go and to be at peace with and allow myself to be fine with the idea of possibly experiencing this.

    I am fine with and am at peace with facing any horrible experience in my waking life since these experiences are normal no matter how bad they are.  

    But those experiences in my depressive nightmares was something indescribable.  They were completely altered abnormal mental states that were an indescribable hell.  They were far beyond just some really horrible nightmarish experience.  

    It was beyond anything imaginable and there is no way I am fine and at peace with the idea of possibly experiencing that again fully conscious during a near death experience.

    There is no way for me to just be here in the moment and not to worry about it.  I don't think any therapeutic techniques can help this.  This is something so far beyond horrible that there is no possible way for me to let this go, be at peace with, and not worry about.

    This situation seems like it is far beyond therapy and other known relaxation, meditation, coping, etc. techniques.  So what do we do for this and what hope is there for this?

    I will add two additional points that are important that I would like to make.  The first being that as long as I have this obsessive worry, my life will continue to remain empty and miserable like this.

    Having such obsessive depressive worries in your life causes your mind to focus on a problem and to shut out everything else in your life so that everything else is completely shut out of all joy and significance (meaning).

    As long as I have this worry, then everything in my life will continue to remain dead and empty to me since my mind will always continue to shut those things out.  

    I will also remain non-functional in doing my hobbies and such since having this trouble and worry has rendered me this way.  

    The last point I would like to make is that some therapists and mental health professionals would say that it is all my way of looking at those mental states in my depressive nightmares.

    That if I were to instead look at them differently such as looking at them from a more positive and less horrible perspective, that I wouldn't have to worry about experiencing them again fully conscious during a near death experience.

    But the experience is what it is.  It truly was that horrible and no change of thinking can change that experience for what it truly was.  During that time I had those horrible depressive nightmares, I was so desperate to try this.

    I was so desperate to try and take away the horrible power of these experiences by telling myself before I went to bed that they are nothing more than unpleasant experiences, that I can look at them from less horrible perspectives to make these experiences less horrible, etc.

    But that did nothing.  When I had those depressive nightmares, the experiences were just as horrible.  So this says that experiences alone in of themselves can be the absolute worst and most horrible or they can be the absolute best and glorious.

    This says that the experiences themselves alone have this power and that it is not just simply your way of looking at them.  If it was nothing more than your way of looking at them, then a change of thought should change the experience.

    In other words, if you looked at a certain experience in the very beginning as the most horrible experience, but then changed your perspective of that experience as being nothing more than an unpleasant feeling, then that is all that it should be now.

    So next time you have it again, it won't bother you that much and would now just be nothing more than an unpleasant feeling and would no longer be the horrible experience it was before.  But this isn't the case for me.  The experience is what it is regardless of how I choose to view it in a different manner.

    In conclusion, some therapists would tell me:

    "Yes, it may very well be that horrible of an experience.  But you'll get through it no matter how horrible it is if it ever does happen to you."

    This statement does not make me any less worried.  It does not bring me peace or anything.  You do not realize what this is.  You do not realize just how horrible that experience was.  There is no possible way for me to be at ease with the idea of experiencing it fully conscious during a near death experience.

  21. I am currently taking antidepressants and I am worried because of the testimonies of people here in this link below.  Scroll down and you will find them.  Some people are fine even after taking them for many years.  But some have their lives destroyed.  In particular, I am worried about all my motivation and everything about me being wiped out from these medications.


  22. 1 minute ago, Gearhead said:

    That is a terrible idea, and will not work. I've passed out before for various reasons (mostly having to do with low blood pressure and med interactions) and believe me, you do not come to with any magical mood improvement. Usually you just have a killer headache on top of everything else.


    It depends on the situation of anhedonia.  It might work in my situation while it might not work for others.

  23. I struggle with chronic anhedonia and it has lasted for over a year and a half now.  But I have come up with a theory that might get rid of it for me and everyone else who struggles with it right here and now.  I don't know if this will work or not, but with anhedonia, you have a chronically overly active part of the brain (the hpa axis which is the area of the brain responsible for the stress response) while another area of the brain turns off which is the area responsible for feelings of pleasure (our good moods).


    If you can make yourself pass out, then that overly active part of the brain might turn off and allow your feelings of pleasure to turn back on.  The brain has to devote all its function to vital organs and such to keep them alive while you are passed out.  So this would have to mean that the overly active part of the brain I mentioned would have to turn off.  So when you wake back up, you might have your full feelings of pleasure back to you and no more anhedonia.


    Being aware of stress (both consciously and subconsciously) also causes that stress region of the brain to become overly active as well.  When it is overly active and can't be regulated, that is why the area responsible for pleasure turns off.  So by making yourself pass out in this situation as well, then you would have temporarily gotten rid of all conscious and subconscious awareness of that stress which would turn off the stress response.  Awareness of stressful life events=overly active stress response.  Absence of awareness=no stress response.


    So if you can also wake back up having amnesia, then that stress response would also be turned off for the time being and further give your brain the chance to regulate itself and turn its feelings of pleasure back on.  This whole thing is just a theory of mine.  I don't know if it will work or not.  I'm not sure if I should recommend others trying it and reporting back to me to see if it worked for them or not.  If it works for them, then I am going to try it.


    I also thought of being put out by anesthesia which would of been a better alternative to passing out since anesthesia puts you out longer.  But since I don't have that option, then making myself pass out would be the only option here.  There is a way to do it.  I heard that you have to hyperventilate and stand up.

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