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Everything posted by ten.tries

  1. Pretty sure I'm manic, feels like I'm rapid cycling. Thinking about hurting myself. Not too serious about it, but I have the energy. I could do something small. I'm not desperate enough, but if I get enough energy, what if I do something big. There's no one to talk to. I've tried reaching out to a bunch of people, friends, strangers, just to distract myself, stimulate my brain, because I'm so restless all the time, and now it's 10pm and there's no one there anymore. They all have their lives. I'm probably being obnoxious. I've already done a lot today, much more than I'm normally able in a day, fixed my résumé, cleaned my desk, vacuumed my bedroom, bathed my dog, had a bunch of conversations, it's not enough, my brain won't stop
  2. I have a pdoc and a counselor, but I haven't seen either of them in several months. Stopped seeing them partly because money, partly because I didn't have much to report/didn't know what to report, partly because I could barely see any progress even after 2+ years of seeing them both. Last time I saw my counselor I mentioned my interest in trying out CBT or another similar form of therapy—not that I know her job better than her, it's just all I seem to do is vent every time we see each other, and I'm not sure how much that really helps. She basically said she needs to hear me talk some more before she can decide what kind of therapy I need, and deep down I'm just, "Dude, we've been seeing each other on and off for years, how are we still at this stage?" Plus she'd only see me once a month—again, not saying that I know her job better, but. :\ I DO plan on coming back to see them both this November, though. (Plus maybe my pdoc will finally give me something for anxiety, even though last time he just told me that my anti-depressant works for anxiety too.) Anyway, I know I haven't been the best patient and probably shouldn't quit seeing my counselor every time I stop feeling any progress, but I still feel like she probably isn't the right fit for me and am seriously considering trying a different counselor—this time closer to where I live so at least I'd have a good excuse and avoid an awkward "break-up" if ever. Wow, sorry for rambling. :\
  3. I hope it really was what's best for me and not just another excuse. Every time I turn something down it always just sounds like an excuse, and I'm getting tired of it + of myself. It isn't always easy to tell when I really just can't/shouldn't do something and when I need to push myself a little harder. That's exactly it, it's so difficult to commit to anything. But the pressure to become a "functioning" member of society is real—I can't mooch off my parents forever, I can't keep avoiding stress and anxiety forever. So I'll just have to learn to manage. This whole job scare (lol) has been a wake-up call of sorts. At the very least it's made me start thinking about the future again, and it's pushed me forward a tiny bit. Now I plan to go back and start seeing my doctor and counselor again (maybe find a better one), figure out if I'm really ready to start working full-time, find a way to work around all this fear and lack of motivation.
  4. Thank you, friend. I had a mini-meltdown two hours before the interview, and then I realized that it wasn't worth the anxiety it was giving me. It was for a company in an industry I wasn't really interested in, and I was never even sure if I really wanted the job. I just took the job exam for the lols, and then shit got way too real way too fast. Suddenly I had a phone interview, and then they were calling me to come to their office for another interview, and just. Yikes. Anyway, I just find it really difficult finding the balance between "taking care of myself" and "taking chances for growth" because the risk is so real and one wrong move could cause another major depressive episode, and if I'm going to risk that then I want it to be for something I actually want that's actually worth the risk.
  5. Hi everyone, I ended up cancelling the interview and withdrawing my application. It wasn't a great day. But thank you for all of the advice, I might actually use some of it in the (hopefully near) future.
  6. Hi guys, I have a job interview later that I don't even know how I qualified for because my resume is so sparse . . . I'm sure they'll ask me why all I have on there are brief part-time freelance gigs and a 4-month full-time stint with lots of gaps in between. Do you have any advice on what I could say to explain it without letting them know that I'm mentally ill? Thank you so much
  7. It's my birthday today and I'm lowkey suicidal and also kind of horny. Great combo.

    1. yarnandcats


      uh...happy bday? work with it.

    2. philosophin


      I hate that...I know what you are talking about.  And for some reason my husband finds me irresistible when I'm super depressed.

    3. hamster


      happy birthday. hope you got laid.

  8. Hey, kids. Been a while. But I'm still alive.

  9. Sam, what is this dating website? Haha. Me too. But maybe there are kind people left out there, who knows haha.
  10. Hey Velvet, I've been published locally a couple of times, but I prefer working as an editor. I found my current client through Elance, and they're great and the website's great, but man, I get so freaked out when I'm looking for jobs. I feel like everything's "WE NEED YOU TO DO THIS AND BE THAT AND ALL THE THINGS ONLY HEALTHY PEOPLE CAN DO. ARE YOU HEALTHY?? CAN YOU REALLY DO THIS??? REALLY????" haha.
  11. So I have bipolar 2 and prefer to work at home because of it, and I rely on all these websites for freelancers to find jobs. But I'm at a place where I feel like working will always be a struggle because the world prefers healthy people and it's not always kind to people who occasionally need extensions because they woke up depressed. Clients need to work with people they can trust with deadlines and all that shit. I know that. I'm still struggling with the idea that I shouldn't get special treatment just because I'm diagnosed with a mental disorder, but shit gets real sometimes, y'know? So I just thought, Man, I wish there was a website that offers all kinds of jobs specifically for people with MIs. Clients don't have to treat you like a special snowflake, but they're at least open-minded and want to give you a shot anyways. I don't know. I'm rambling. Is there something like this that exists? Where is this utopia?
  12. I had my eyebrow pierced and then a couple days later I had take-out sushi that was way too expensive and barely even satisfying. And now I want to go shopping. For a social thing I'm going to next week that I probably won't even enjoy. Ha.
  13. i'm so fucking fat i want to go shopping and fucking TRANSFORM or whatever. like a goddamn butterfly.

  14. Today, in a moment of helplessness and near rage—triggered by a stupid, insignificant incident—I told my brother to please offer any kind of help. He mumbled a response, something along the lines of, if he helps me I'll just find some reason to criticize him, at which point my vision blurred and I found myself saying, "I swear to God, I will kill myself." Now I feel like shit for saying such a thing. In that moment some part of me must have meant it, but it still feels a lot like manipulating someone just to get what I want. I realize I only ever threaten people that way when I feel incredibly alone. I am ashamed that I do this. I am ashamed that I make everything about myself. I am ashamed that I seem to think I should get special treatment just because some doctor gave me a name for what it is to have too many thoughts and feelings. I am so ashamed. Call it a call for help. Whatever. I must be alone for a reason. Who wants to help such a glorious mess like me? When I call I call too loudly. It makes me want to disappear to make things even with the universe.
  15. I think I just felt kind of lonely all of a sudden.

  16. why is everyone asleep when i'm awake and have lots of energy

  17. I have some money now and doing some hardcore budgeting. But I'll be able to buy meds later. Thanks for the concern.
  18. Well, I have accomplished the Thing! Ran out of cash though, so I'm forced to skip meds for a few days. Meh, I'm okay. I'll be fine. Yes, timers can be super helpful. I use an app called Focus Booster, and it's pretty awesome.
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  20. I'm in such a good mood I'm actually kind of excited about cleaning the apartment

  21. Unfortunately it's past 1am here and I don't really have that kind of relationship with my pdoc and counselor. I think this one is a mixed state. Because at the same time I also feel like a really shitty person who's kind of a useless piece of shit. Just kind of useless and not completely, but the shit is there. If only this always came as the type that makes you hyper productive. But no. I just want to curl up in bed, binge-watch a series, and think about all the many ways I suck while feeling somewhat fantastic.
  22. I'm not sure, I'm too lazy to keep track of my moods these days. I find it a little difficult to pinpoint what my mood is exactly sometimes. : But I saw my pdoc today, and he upped one of my mood stabilizers. So I should be fine. Soon, I hope. Because I have a deadline at work and I'm terrified. I also know somewhere in there that I'm panicking, but my brain is too busy saying "fuck it." :
  23. There's this episode of Batman Beyond where the Joker kidnaps Robin and messes him up so he looks like a Joker clone that can't stop laughing. He laughed even though nothing was funny, and he laughed until there were tears in his eyes, and you could see in his eyes that he didn't think anything was funny either, and you could see that he didn't really want to laugh, and that he hated it but couldn't help it. I also remember someone I know saying—in response to an online post where someone mentioned that they "envied" their sister for being crazy because the crazy made her more "free"—that there is no freedom in craziness, if anything it makes the world a lot smaller. And that's precisely it. On the outside, even on the outside of your own brain, you seem completely happy and joyous and "free," when the truth is you're trapped inside those feelings. You have no control over them. On the inside of your brain you know you're exhausted and your brain can barely keep up with itself and sometimes you start to feel like your brain isn't even moving anymore because it's moving so fast, but you can't stop because you're too happy and joyous and "free."
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