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amianthus

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About amianthus

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    under the cypresses

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    female
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    UK

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  1. I feel like I'm drifting between phases of a dream, stuck in a slideshow of reinterpretations of an indefinite world

  2. Hey foxy_jesus, I'm sorry to hear this happened. Interviews are so stressful even for those without MI. I've made similar mistakes with missing things in the past and can relate to how you feel. I hope you can stay safe and not hurt yourself; as jt07 said, you don't deserve hurting yourself. Please try to be gentle to yourself if you can. I hope that you can reschedule the appointment again, although it is understandable also if you let this one go. Was this company one you were really passionate about working with, or just a possible option you were prepared to try? Whichever way, more opportunities will come in time, especially if it is the latter.
  3. I can relate to this, particularly when I used to be really anxious about seeing anyone I recognised when out. On occasion I've spent hours avoiding someone out of that anxiety only to realise at the end of the day that's it's not even them, but a complete stranger.
  4. Back after two messed up nights in the hospital. I still haven't totally made sense of what happened. I will never take mirtazapine again

  5. I am very sorry to hear about your loss, Montague. What with that and the illness of your other grandfather, it sounds like you've been under a lot of stress. It is so discouraging when, just as you begin to be able to look forward to something again, such life events happen which are so hard to deal with. My family & I went through a similar hard time two years ago over Christmas and New Year's with the illness and death of my grandma and step-grandma. It's very understandable that you are struggling with school and staying positive after that. It's most likely going to be hard for a while, especially if you were close, but even if not. Do you have a therapist or counsellor you can discuss this with, or could you look into meeting one to help you through this time? It's encouraging that you had a really great semester in school before all this happened. I hope you can hold on to that, if possible ... although it is more difficult again now, that is at least proof that things can be better for you. It may take time and help to work back to that point, but it exists, and when you next get there, hopefully life circumstances may be kinder to you. For now, CB is here for support.
  6. I'm very sorry for your losses, Alien. This thread reminds me of that phrase; "It never rains but it pours." I had a similar year in 2015 where my step-grandma died at the very beginning of the year, my grandma a month later, and my great-grandma later in the year. It's hard enough dealing with one loss or family illness, let alone several. Here's to hoping for a better 2017.
  7. As incredibly stupid and harmful as the whole anti-vax movement is, I do just want to say that I really don't think Blurred had any malicious intent in posting this -- we all make stupid mistakes and I imagine she's feeling pretty horrible right now. But Blurred, please, I really urge you to look into some of the evidence that has been posted here. If you're so sure in your views, what have you got to lose? At the very least, read the paragraph of the DTaP leaflet where, after listing autism among other 'effects', it states: "Because these events are reported voluntarily from a population of uncertain size, it is not always possible to estimate their frequencies or to establish a causal relationship to components of Tripedia vaccine." In other words, one parent with an autistic child who also happened to be vaccinated (two completely separate events) could hear the conspiracy theory and conclude, without any actual evidence, that the vaccine caused the autism. They report it and, legally, it has to be listed, because this one case cannot specifically be disproven, although it is certainly not proven either ... but by that logic, every single such conspiracy theory would be true. I.e. that pretty much every food causes cancer and every known medication causes seizures, heart attacks and death. The reason that people are reacting with such intensity and anger here is that these views are incredibly harmful. They are harmful to you -- someone else has spread them to you and made you fearful of vaccines, putting you at far greater risk from a variety of dangerous but completely preventable diseases. I know you don't mean to cause harm, but by insisting that vaccines should be avoided, you may end up persuading other impressionable people who come across this that this is the case -- and that can literally cost lives. It does literally cost lives. And in the case of infectious diseases, many of those lives are those of young infants and children. I also have to agree with Gearhead -- and again, I'm sure you didn't intend this, but you need to be aware so that you can review what you are saying, with at least a few more relevant facts this time -- the views you hold so stubbornly are often also extremely harmful to autistic people, and to spread them is to contribute to this, if unknowingly. If you refuse to get vaccinated, yes, stay away from the baby until her immunity is better developed. You are extremely, extremely unlikely to experience any real ill effect from getting a vaccination. The baby is many times more likely to become ill from coming into contact with unvaccinated potential carriers of an infectious disease. You'll simply have to tell your brother the truth, that you don't want to get the vaccinations and so can't meet her until she's older. But again, I really, really urge you to reconsider. Look into the actual science behind vaccinations and think about it. I promise you, you are extremely unlikely to be harmed by having a couple of vaccinations; in fact, it will protect you yourself from contracting certain diseases which could disable or even kill you, and more so, it will protect you from potentially spreading those diseases to others, particularly to those who, for reasons of age, or illness/suppressed immune systems, are unable to receive the vaccines themselves. Is it not worth a dubious one-in-a-million risk to protect yourself and others around you from the much more likely possibility of dangerous infectious disease? A couple of quick, potentially life-saving shots, and you could safely form a lifelong relationship with your niece.
  8. Remnants, I'm really sorry this happened to you. It truly sucks when we have the intent to do something good and help someone but end up not being able to do it. That is one of the things that has cut me up the most about MI too; that it so often makes it so much harder to help others. As you said, it is logically okay, and something you could not help (i.e. not your fault at all, and you had the best of intentions) but I totally understand being upset and I would be too, in your situation. I hope you don't completely give up hope of ever being able to do it though -- perhaps in the future your doctor could prescribe meds which help to stop your anxiety from increasing your heart-rate or blood pressure so dramatically. There are still so many options out there although I agree it's hell going through them all and having the ones that are not right fail in succession. Your body is busy trying to stay alive at the moment, but in the future, with more suitable treatment, you might be well again, or closer to it, and in a better place to use it to help others. I like the quote in your signature btw, and think it applies very well here. I admire your bravery for going and trying to give blood in the first place when you were incredibly anxious. Today has been horrible for you and it's completely understandable that you are upset about it but I really hope you can still try again to make tomorrow a better day, as hard as it is. Could you make an appointment with your doctor & speak to them about how much you are struggling right now?
  9. That is super confusing & frustrating from your mom. It does sound, like you said, like she doesn't really understand how these things affect you. Do you think she would be possibly receptive if you asked to talk to her about it, or wrote her a note explaining why it would be difficult and not healthy for you to be at that weight, and that such expectations place extra stress on you, and are generally unhelpful? Correct me if I'm wrong, but it sounds like you felt and were a lot healthier at your higher weight. It sounds so stressful to have had so many people focused on and worried about your weight for years. I can understand being scared of going back to that. It makes sense that you struggled to gain weight when you were throwing up almost every day due to acid reflux. Is your acid reflux any better now, or do you still have the same problems? I hear you on seeing a nutritionist feeling pointless, if you have already received lots of nutritional advice in the past and it's not made a difference. If it does get to the point where you decide to see one, I hope that they can perhaps offer some new suggestions.
  10. Firstly, of course it's okay to talk -- that's what this place is here for. I'm glad that you reached out about it. From reading your story I think it's more than understandable that you are scared about this. Particularly as it created issues which made you fear for your life. The effects of being severely underweight sometimes get minimised, but they really can be disabling & sometimes even fatal in the worst cases. It must have put a lot of stress on you experiencing those issues, feeling guilty over eating even small amounts (if I understood correctly?), and having to go through all those medical visits. My case was not as severe as yours but I have also been somewhat underweight for most of my life, dropping to severely underweight when I haven't been eating well. One of these times I started experiencing effects such as dizziness, heart rate slowing, trouble standing up, and trouble waking up (I would become aware of being asleep but not be able to fully drag myself into wakefulness)-- I started to force myself to eat and eventually made it through that time without medical intervention, but even that was terrifying, so I can relate at least in part to the fear of being dangerously underweight & its effects. It must be really rough struggling to maintain the weight due to a med change. Do you feel able to bring up the issue with your doctor? It sounds like you could definitely use some help to allow you to maintain weight so that it does not drop back to dangerously low, either by helping you to improve your appetite or finding ways to consume larger amounts of calories even when you are not hungry (for example, supplement drinks, & small amounts of calorie-dense foods rather than larger volumes of foods lower in calories.) Would you feel okay with working to maintain or gain weight, or is there a component of being afraid to do this also? I wonder also if seeing a dietitian may be a possibility for you? They might be able to give you a meal plan to maintain/gain weight, and help you find ways to eat enough for your body when your appetite is low, or ways to help improve your appetite. I hope it helps talking about it with us here, and that you can reach out for as much help as you need to get this under control without becoming underweight again. It sounds like you've become very aware of it early on, which means that there are lots of steps you can take to look after your body and seek help with nutrition and weight before it gets really bad again.
  11. Thank you melissaw, that's a really good idea about the records and I hadn't thought of that. I will take in the copies of referral letters and such that I already have, and try & find out about the full records. I think it is possible, I'm just unsure about the specifics of how to do this, but I will look into it.
  12. Hi all, I hope you are all doing okay today. Sending gentle thoughts out to anyone who isn't. I haven't posted in this thread before but I hope it's okay for me to drop in and vent, and maybe ask for a little advice if anyone has any. Lately I have been struggling more with depression again, but ... not constantly. Things will be really bad for a few weeks and then improve for a while. But the worsening always comes back around, no matter what happens, no matter what I think and do. For some time my GP has managed my meds & it's been quite a while since I last saw a pdoc, but as my symptoms got so much worse again, my GP referred me back to mental health services (UK). My assessment with them is later this week. In the past few days things have gone from terrible to a fair bit less so. I want to back out and cancel all appointments with all medical professionals and ... pretend some of these things never happened? But obviously they did, and past experience tells me they almost certainly will again. So, I should go. But I'm scared that because I don't present as a complete wreck (as I would have really quite recently) that they'll just turn me away anyway. Because I'm 'not sick enough.' I didn't kill myself & I am eating again. Yet I'm terrified of the things that happen to me. I want to refuse to acknowledge it because acknowledging it without any positive solution seems so dangerous.
  13. My mum & step-father would sometimes walk around the house naked up until I was around 12. At which point I talked to them about it and they thankfully stopped, but in your situation it doesn't sound like your mom listened to you at all. I found it so uncomfortable just that they would walk around without clothes on, like I had to stay in my room in case I saw them if I stepped out. But they never made me touch their bare skin like yours did. If they had, I would have found that very disgusting & distressing too. I'm sorry that your mom did this to you and ignored how uncomfortable it was making you. It makes sense to me that such experiences would spark intrusive thoughts. It sounds like she has little respect for your boundaries. In my experience it's natural for a mother to want some physical contact with her children (hugs, maybe a kiss on the cheek or on top of the head, no more) but it is unfair of her to be saying that so frequently if she knows how uncomfortable it makes you feel, and of course the physical contact you have with a romantic partner is going to be very different to that which you have with a parent.
  14. Are the readings by any chance philosophical/religious/psychology texts? -- I won't mind at all if you'd prefer not to answer, I just wonder if it's any of those because they are so rich in intense ideas. I understand the sense of being harmed by negative ideas. I will think obsessively about them too and have avoided certain texts in the past because of that. It's scary to feel that they may have damaged you irreversibly. I think that certain ideas do change you forever but that doesn't mean that you can't find peace with them at time, with the right support. I'm also glad that you're seeing your psychiatrist soon and agree that you're more than welcome here. Do you have a therapist you can bring this up with as well?
  15. Why does everything in my life seem untrue the moment I start to think about it?

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