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spazzysteph

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  1. Diagnosed with Generalized Anxiety Disorder, ADD, depression. I'm done with Fetzima after 7 months. Started taking 40 mg in November 2014 after Cymbalta 60mg stopped working. My mom died and those horrible months threw me for a loop, so increased dosage to 80 mg about 3 months ago. I'm a mess. I'm off work in the summer so I sit around and lament my life, cry at the drop of a hat, internalize any feelings of friends or family, I'm obsessed about my dad being alone and my heart is broken for him. Even though I'm miserable at home, I'd rather be here alone than deal with the anxiety of being anywhere else. I have things to do around here, but can't bring myself to get anything done. My friends miss me, as I hole up in my house. I want to laugh again, I want to be my crazy, fun self. My husband works out of town a lot so I'm alone... I could spend time with friends but I'd rather be home... the process of showering and makeup is too much to bear. I had a mini breakdown the other day after reading several sad things on the news; I question my faith (I've lost all faith), I question whether I'll ever be ok again. I've taken drug after drug since I was 18 (25 years ago) and I don't know where to go from here. I have an appt in a couple of hours and I was just checking in to see if my experiences on Fetzima were similar to others'... I see I'm not suffering alone. I have had "suicidal thoughts" but would never go through it because I love my family too much. But I have thought about it and how I would do it. My husband almost called an ambulance for me recently because I was spouting off crap about hurting myself, things I regret saying now. He even hid our gun... to think I'm "THAT" person just compounds my hopelessness and depression. I hope my PCP has another solution for me... I really feel like the old me is gone, dead. What's left is a shell of a person that looks good on the outside (when I can bring myself to shower and fix myself up) but I'm dead on the inside... numb except for obsessions and sorrow and tears. On the outside I've got it all together - college educated with a great job and great husband, no financial issues; I have everything anyone could ever want or need, except for a normal brain. I hope I can check back in in a few weeks with a more positive update. I just don't know what happens from here.
  2. I've been reading a lot on this board about the new Fetzima. I was put on it four weeks ago by my GP when my Cymbalta just didn't seem to get the job done anymore. I've been on antidepressants off and on since 1996 but wasn't diagnosed with Generalized Anxiety Disorder and ADD until four years ago. Up until then I had been on every drug you can imagine for depression. Cymbalta changed/saved my life, but my insurance company began to only supply me with generic, and I could tell immediately that it just wasn't the same. I started getting brain zaps, and that would usually only happen if I missed a dose. So my GP suggested Fetzima. The first couple of weeks I had the zaps and was a bit fuzzy in the brain, but all in all the transition was a smooth one. I felt decent and was just glad to be taking a non-generic for a change. Then last Friday night happened. 12/19/14 went to holiday party and proceeded to poison myself with shots of liquor. By 10 p.m. I had fallen down twice, blacked out (although I was awake) and could not stop throwing up. (Not typical behavior when I drink!) Husband drove me home. I did not take my Fetzima that night because I knew I would throw it back up. Threw up all the next day until around 3 when I could finally keep some soup down. That's when I took my Friday dosage of Fetzima. Had to stay in bed because I was so physically ill. Slept a majority of the time, took Fetz at normal time Saturday night. Sunday was still ill, brain not functioning correctly, irrational thoughts, completely depressed, slept most of the day and night. Took Fetz on time Sunday night. Monday was hoping to feel better but depression was worse. Fought with husband who doesn't understand what's going on, threw a fit and threw crap around the house, scared the cats, announced that I hate Christmas and I hate my birthday (on Xmas day), I don't want people at my house on Christmas, I don't give a crap about the stupid gifts and everything can be thrown in the trash for all I care. Threatened to leave my husband to be alone at our lake house, he wouldn't let me leave because (mostly) he thought I would hurt myself there or on the way up have a wreck on purpose. I scared him and scared myself that I was being so irrational. I told him of suicide plans that I had made back in the 90s, that it's always there in the back of my mind. He asked if I needed to go to the hospital but I eventually calmed down and showered for the first time in two days and brushed my teeth for the first time in three. I took two Klonopin and slept most of the rest of the day. I felt insane. I now feel incredible guilt for my behavior which compounds this helpless feeling. I want to feel better so today I'll be leaving the house for the first time since Friday. But I'm still here crying, guilty... Everything was fine until the alcohol Friday night. I haven't eaten hardly anything, trying to stay hydrated with water but I'm hardly peeing and can't remember the last time I pooped. I don't know if I'm not eating because I'm not hungry or if I'm just trying to hurt myself? I've lost 10 pounds since November... not on purpose, just burning more calories than I eat. I'm a runner but haven't been able to since last week because the weather is so bad and I really don't know right now if I could run if I tried. Am I doing this to myself - am I in control of my actions, or did all that alcohol and Fetzima really affect my brain so significantly? My family has been through a lot these past two months; my mom was diagnosed with stage 4 renal cancer and had to have her kidney removed and three tumors in the artery from the kidney to the heart, the same week I started taking Fetzima. I have been strong for her and my family but everything seems to be crashing down now. I had been fine until Friday night. This is supposed to be a wonderful time of the year but I just want the holidays over so I can get back into a routine. I am a teacher and I hold my shit together and I'm a professional but these last 4 days have been the worst of my life. I have presents to wrap and I don't even care if they get wrapped at all. I have got to have a better day today.... certainly my brain cannot still be mucked up from the alcohol 4 days ago??? Has anyone else had this experience... getting REALLY drunk on Fetzima (I weigh 107 and had probably 10 or more Fireball shots) and then being bed-ridden for four days??? I'm desperate for advice... I don't talk to my friends about this because I'm embarrassed, and my husband has never suffered from mental illness, so while he tries to make things better, (yesterday he told me I needed to snap out of it - I snapped alright), he only makes things worse. And that compounds my guilt also. When am I going to feel better? Can alcohol + Fetzima basically make someone go insane???
  3. I've been a long time reader of the boards but just decided to join because of the lack of information on Fetzima. I've been taking it for a month now and had a horrible experience these past few days. I've been struggling with depression, especially anxiety, since my teens; mom has OCD/hoarding disorder and dad was just diagnosed at 67 with bipolar disorder (we all knew that, he just wouldn't got to the doc to get medicated). It's beyond me why two wacked out humans would get together and spread their horrible genetics to not just one child, but two. My brother is a bigger mess than I am. I decided not to have children to try to end this bloodline! I've been on Prozac, Effexor, Wellbutrin, Lexapro, Pristique, Buspar, Depakote, Remeron, Cymbalta, now Fetzima, and I know I'm forgetting some. Reading these boards have helped me realize I'm not alone in my struggles. Thank you for that.
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