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HazelBLK

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About HazelBLK

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  1. Well, I'm guilty of suspecting bipolar and her behavior reminds me very much of mine when I was younger. I am dx bipolar1 and complex PTSD...sometimes switched to BPD. I can't sort this stuff out. But before dx they need to rule out substance abuse. I think she tested positive for amphetamine during one of her arrests. They also described her as popping pills constantly including antidepressants...so it could be (bipolar3) or drug induced mania. I don't like her music or image. I've never paid attention to her but I do feel for her now. I can't imagine how much more unbearable my younger and crazier days would have been if it had been documented everywhere I went. As for BPD, damn sure sounds like a f'ed up child hood and yes, I'm inferring that connection. Looks like an abusive exploitation to me. She's not exactly intelligent or given to much self reflection from what I can see. I wish her well. I'm here today mostly because this has brought up a lot of stuff for me. Sometimes forgetting is a very good thing.
  2. I am so happy for you! I just hope the United States will follow suit or at the very least stop voting Republican (and definitely not for Ron Paul either). The working class (formerly working) need a break here. 26 years of Republican rule has been devastating.
  3. I wasn't suggesting the government started or flamed these fires. I am questioning whether the resources to fight the fires are in place. I'm wondering where the resources are. What percentage of California's National Guard are securing George Bush's oil somewhere like 9,000 or 10,000 miles away? I have heard reports that there was some arson involved in some of these fires. That's sad but not unusual. My heart is with the people of southern California, the fire fighters, all the animals living there and the National Guard tonight.
  4. The disappearance of crazymeds.us is very sad to me. It's no coincidence that this site looks a lot like that one. I'm not the right person nor am I able to recall history accurately but I remain grateful to a fellow named Jerod and my hat is off to him. I think he was a real creative genius and put together a tremendous amount of research and work and we on this board are still benefiting from the fruits of his labor. I don't post a lot. I saw a lot of what went down. I'm flawed too. I totally wish him well.
  5. This is really bad! They're now saying one million people have been evacuated and things changing by the minute and are looking very bad. Speaking of Ron Paul - if he were president there would be NO ONE fighting this fire and there would be no shelters and no assistance to the evacuees and probably no highways for them to drive on. There would probably be private highways with tolls that only rich people could pay. I hope everyone here looks beyond single issues to see that these Libertarians and right wing Republicans do not care about public health, safety, the commons or our infrastructure. We are in so much trouble. Do you aspire like me to rise to the level of the middle class? Forget it if you keep voting for these sociopaths. Forget about health care of any kind unless you are uber rich. That's what right wing thinking is all about. Yes, this is a political rant but I'm really, really, really holding back so excuse me. Anyway. Someone close to me is a fire fighter and fire science specialist for the US forest service and I'm worried he's going to get called up to fight this one. This is really dangerous work. I hope he's away from his cell phone. Actually I hope he's somewhere camping in the mountains of New Mexico and oblivious to all that's going on because he'd go if called upon. Our national forest service has been grossly defunded during the Bush administration. I think Arnold called up the National Guard this afternoon. It'll be interesting to see the response because I think they're mighty busy doing something somewhere else at the moment. Something tells me there's a big story not being told.
  6. Yes, I think they're legit as I get the same thing - Bupropion SR 150MG and they are purplish brown. I agree, it's an icky color. I wish they were another color but I'm managing to take them. I once told my shrink that I simply could not take any pills that were pink and she respected my wishes which was cool of her.
  7. Slight hypomania would be great! I feel bored with being stable too and feel like time goes slowly and I don't know how to fill the time. I have no idea how I used to do it.
  8. I like my tdoc but I think she is quick to make judgments against me and anyone with borderline personality disorder. She wants fast results and I'm not going very fast.
  9. I have been thinking a lot about kids who get picked on and bullied and have to admit that I participated in this when I was a child. I know how much I hurt you because I was also bullied and made fun of but maybe not as much as you were. While I never was the initial instigator I know that I joined in. I can think of about five kids that were picked on mercilessly and I wonder what became of these people. I feel so ashamed of myself. Yes, I was hurting too but that's no excuse. I have no way to make this up to you but if I saw you today you would get my sincerest apologies and I would help you in whatever way I could. Thankfully, as an adult I have learned compassion and I'm particularly compassionate for the under dog. I have my moments of striking out angrily and hurtful words but I would never hurt anyone just for the fun of it. If you are out there I just want to tell you: I am so sorry! I hope you find peace and happiness.
  10. I've had to increase my Temazepam to 30mg up from 15mg but I still think it's much better than Ambien because I would wake from Ambien after two hours and be hyper-awake. If I didn't fall asleep on Ambien I was one of those people who got auditory hallucinations from it and did irresponsible and rash things and forget that I'd done them. Yeah, it can be very dangerous. Temazepam has been the gold standard for a long time from what my shrink said. Maybe you just need a higher dose? It's been a life saver for me. I kind of consider Ambien a bit too trendy anyway.
  11. I have never been violent but I have a lot of violent visions and anger so this does scare me. Realistically I have to keep reminding myself that I'm OK - that I've never hurt anyone and don't want to. I am me. He is someone else. His teacher described him as "mean". I don't think anyone would describe me as mean but I'm not sure if that was always true. Does this story make anyone else doubt themselves? Another thing that bothers me is that there is this guy in my neighborhood who acts a lot like this guy. IEveryone feels the same way about him but if he's not breaking the law or threatening anyone he is free to keep ticking. I'm thankful that (some years ago) I was given the option to sign myself into a psychiatric facility instead of being court ordered because I was in big trouble and had threatened to do some really bad things so I know what a serious thing this is but I have mixed feelings about our freedoms and the mental health system. In some ways I wish it were easier to legally compel people to get treatment.
  12. My big problem with meds these days is that my psychiatrist keeps pushing the newest stuff on me and I don't trust psychiatrists anymore. What could motivate them to keep prescribing the least of the tried and true? My shrink looks more and more messed up as the days go by. There is something very wrong with them and you can see that it's eating at them. Take what I'm saying with a grain of salt but I honestly believe there is something very wrong going on. Why do they always want to give you something new? I would think they'd approach this with more caution. Less is best for me. It trust myself. No more anti-psychotics for me.
  13. I'm learning to stop trying to be heroic and overcome my illnesses- BP1 and BPD. I simply cannot handle much stress at all let alone dealing with the general public. I have been on SSI for a long time and struggle with feelings of worthlessness. If you can find a part time job that is low stress you should feel good about yourself because these illnesses are really, really brutal. Don't brutalize yourself with guilt if you can't work. You may have other very valuable things to contribute to society. The heroics have invariably led to hospitalizations and a worsening of my self esteem. What's left? Practicing compassion and just being a kind person to the people I know and encounter.
  14. Whoo, I can get lost in the phosphenes! I dig them. The Spanish painter Matta was painting what they looked like to him - definitley some of my favorite art. I've made some art from them too I always thought they were kind of normal phenomena (I see full blown movie pictures in my head sometimes too) and not specifically related to or caused by Autism though I've long suspected that I am a little Autistic or have Aspergers. The shrinks don't think so. Check Matta's paintings out if you get time.
  15. Good points, AirMarshall. I, for one am acutely aware of just how careful - too careful pdocs and tdocs have to be for fear of being sued or reprimanded and I feel it gets in the way of them giving me honest opinions. So when they recommend a new med to me saying that it's strongly indicated I'm never sure if they are really recommending it and think it's right for me or they are just covering their asses. They can't trust me and I can't trust them and they are ultra-careful to the point that I don't feel they are relating to me as the unique individual that I am. They are just saying and doing what is legally safe for them to do.
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