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About longshadows

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  1. I was given ketamine as a muscle relaxant in my anaesthesia mix (I think there was other stuff in there, but I'm not sure what) when I was getting ECT and it made me feel really good on treatment days (once they'd adjusted the dosages so that it didn't make me nauseated). One of the pdocs at the hospital told me that ketamine can give you a sense of well-being that the residuals of can last up to week. But I haven't found that explained anywhere else, so I'm not sure if I'm misremembering or not? It was in the middle of ECT after all.
  2. I had this problem with Pristiq for the first few weeks. It wore off after a month or so, I think, from memory. At the time it was a relief. Before taking Pristiq, I was basically crying constantly and over everything. I couldn't function. I'm on different meds now.
  3. Thanks for the reply, yarn. It really does help to hear other's stories. Thanks for sharing and thanks for the support.
  4. Thanks for the response WinterRosie. Sorry the original post wasn't very clear. I went untreated for a really long time. I was diagnosed last year. I am in treatment for my mental health issues (OCD, MDD and PTSD), but we're not actively working on the PTSD at the moment because my pdoc and tdoc want to get me stable before they think I'm ready to deal with the trauma stuff. Last year was a bit rough. I guess I already know I have to restrict contact to give myself space to heal. I guess I'm having trouble cutting ties or restricting contact for the sake of my health.
  5. So I have been diagnosed with PTSD from recurrent child abuse stuff. I was just diagnosed this year and I was in denial for a really long time. Partly due to a whole lot of gaslighting by my abusers (family). It took me a long time to realise that the things they did to me were not okay and were not normal. I've never ever called my family on their abuse or even raised it or even suggested that they were abusive. Until recently. I didn't mean to. I didn't ever intend to discuss it with them. But we had a rough telephone conversation late last year after they found out I was in hospital and I called them 'abusive' in the heat of the moment. Afterwards, after I hung up, they called back and I tried to explain patiently that I still loved them and I didn't blame them. And that I understood that they were going through their own things at the time the abuse occurred. But I told them that because of some of the stuff that happened in my childhood had resulted in PTSD, I needed some space to work through it. Their response was to tell me I was overreacting. I got upset at that, but we somehow managed to fumble through the rest of the conversation and to agree that we'd keep in contact by online messages or email (no phone or face to face contact). Anyway, long story short, I found out from another member of the family that my abusers have been telling everyone I have false memory syndrome and there was no abuse and I was delusional. It's not unexpected. In fact, it's exactly how I expected them to deal with it. They've gaslit me about the abuse my entire life - tried to convince me that I imagined it or I exaggerated it or that I was overreacting to what happened. It fucked up my memory so much that I spent a long time convinced that I was imagining it or misremembering it until it was spontaneously confirmed by an objective third party. The thing is: even though I was expecting them to do this, I was unprepared for how much it would mess me up. It really, really hurts. And worse still, it's starting to make me doubt myself again. I'm starting to doubt whether I have PTSD or if I'm remembering things correctly. Logically, I know that the things I remember have been verified by third parties. And I've been diagnosed with PTSD by 3 separate doctors. I even have diaries and journals from the time of the abuse which details what was happening. But I still can't help doubting. Does it ever get easier? How do you recover from gaslighting? I guess the other thing that was really upsetting about the fact they refuse to accept what happened and are continuing down the path of gaslighting and denial is that it kind of makes me think that I'm not ever going to be able to have a relationship with them without sacrificing my mental health. And that makes me sad. Because even though what they did to me was not okay and it hurt me, I still love them. But now I'm thinking that the only healthy thing to do is to cut ties entirely. Sorry for the long, rambling rant. I guess I'm asking - how do you deal with gaslighting? And is it ever really possible to work out a relationship with an abuser?
  6. Glad I could help. I hope it all works out one way or the other. Keep us posted with how you're going.
  7. Re: getting off meds to have ECT. I didn't actually have to get off my meds to get ECT (there was no dangerous interaction as far as I know - I was on Pristiq before ECT), but since they weren't working anyway, my pdoc had me start to wean off it before ECT and switched me to new meds during ECT. My memory of that time is a bit hazy but I think it took me a week to wean off Pristiq entirely and then we waited a few days before starting new meds. I was also still taking Seroquel and Valdoxan the whole time for insomnia and anxiety. I didn't have any major discontinuation issues coming off Pristiq, but to be honest I was in such a bad place when ECT was suggested that I doubt it would have mattered. I can't speak for anyone but myself, but ECT really helped me. It's not a cure, but it got me out of a hole when nothing else was working. I had completely given up and it saved me. I didn't find the experience of actually getting ECT to be stressful or scary at all, but your mileage may vary. Everyone was really gentle with me and I was unconscious for the actual procedure, so the worst thing was getting injected for the anaesthesia. Like someone else said on this thread - it's less hassle than getting your teeth cleaned at the dentist. To be honest, while I was in hospital, I kind of looked forward to ECT days because afterwards I'd be so dopey that I could sleep most of the day. The one thing that worried me most was the memory loss. But I seem to have gotten off pretty lightly in that respect. That whole month that I was in hospital is kind of hazy, but there was no major memory loss. I wrote a lot of stuff down during that time just in case, but I didn't really need it. It's weird. I can remember what happened, but I can't remember any details. Like I can remember my friends visiting me and taking me out for dinner a couple of times, but I can't remember where we went or what we ate or what we talked about it unless someone reminds me. Obviously other people have had much less positive experiences with ECT, but I do think it's worth considering. ECT gets such a bad rap, but for me it was much more effective than drugs and overall, had less side effects. Also, while I'm here - quick update - despite a bit of up and down during December, my mood seems to have levelled out a bit now. I'm not quite as euphoric as I was when I first finished ECT, but I'm feeling pretty good. My fears about relapsing were unfounded (so far, anyway). I think it just took me a few weeks to adjust to being out of hospital and being back at work.
  8. No maintenance ECT since I left hospital. My pdoc did mention it as a possible option, but because my mood seemed to be lasting at the time, pdoc didn't think it was necessary. Will probably have to re-evaluate when I see them next.
  9. Just thought I would give another (unfortunately, not-so positive) update. My mood has been dropping the last couple of weeks. It's nowhere near as bad as it was before I was admitted to hospital, but it's significantly worse than it was straight after ECT (but then again my mood was pretty great straight after ECT). I'm not panicking about it yet. I think it's to be expected that there will be ups and downs with recovery, but I am a bit worried and disappointed. My anxiety is also getting a bit worse (not the main reason for the hospitalisation - that was the depression), but I think that's at least partially (if not mostly) due to stress related to resuming work. I'm mostly still feeling okay about it all. And at least I know that if I do completely relapse, I can go back and try ECT again. I just wish that I could feel the way I did for the first couple of weeks after ECT all the time. Or, hell, even just some of the time. But I think I have to accept that's probably not likely. At least not right now. I've still got a lot of stuff to work through. I went untreated for a really long time so I think that's making recovery harder. I might have to settle for something less. Anyway, I'm planning on talking to my pdoc and tdoc about it when I see them next.
  10. Thought I would give an update. The mood has stayed. I think what my pdoc and all of you have said was correct. I just wasn't used to feeling good. What wadjet describes is pretty much how I feel. I'm starting to get used to it. I still have bad moments and low days and my energy is still not back to 100% yet (not sure I would even know what that feels like!). And I've still got OCD and PTSD and other mental health issues that I need to work through, but my depression is so much improved, I'm still kind of in shock over it. I feel like I've been woken from a nightmare. I'm so, so, so terrified of losing this feeling, but logically I know that even if I relapse, I can try ECT again and there might be other options as well.
  11. Hi all, Is anyone else lost all appetite on Brintellix? First couple of days I was extremely nauseated and simultaneously starving. It was weird. Then later, I had a few days of really, really bad reflux/feeling nauseated (but it's possible that was due to something else). But now that I'm a few weeks in, I'm barely interested in food. I forget to eat. And even if I have something really delicious to eat, I'm barely interested. I don't mind too much. It's better than being nauseated. I just have to make sure that I eat regularly whether I feel like it or not. I was just wondering if anyone else had this issue?
  12. I'm weirdly nervous about how good my mood still is. I have energy and I'm sociable and I feel actually happy. I'm still kind of worried that this might be hypomania and I might have bipolar II (surfacing now due to the change in meds). I've run this theory past my pdoc and she's not convinced. She thinks I'm just not used to my mood being anything other than completely dismal than the good mood is freaking me out. Others who have been through ECT - I don't suppose you can reassure me? What was it like after ECT for you?
  13. Stopped ECT and have been discharged from hospital. I'm at home doing my washing at the moment, but I'm going to head over to stay with a friend tonight. Seeing tdoc tomorrow and pdoc again later in the week. Probably looking at heading back to work in a couple of weeks. Considering how much much better I feel compared to how I felt before I started ECT, I'm amazed at at how well it worked. It saved my life. There's no other way to say it. To anyone who is considering ECT, do it. Just do it. You have very little to lose and possibly everything to gain. I was telling one of the trainee nurses how much better I felt. I finally feel like I should feel at this point in my life: like the world is at my feet. And that's all thanks to the psychiatric hospital, the ECT and the change of meds. Mostly the ECT. I just hope it lasts. But even if it doesn't, at least now I know it works. I would do it again in a heartbeat if I relapsed. It changed my life. It saved my life.
  14. Pdoc has agreed that my mood has improved enough to try stopping the ECT. We're going to do one more ECT on Friday and then skip Monday and see if the mood lasts until Wednesday.
  15. ECT is still going great. I'm feeling a lot better than I have in years. I actually wake up in the morning and want to go out and do things. Food even tastes better. I feel actually happy. The only downside is that I think I've lost quite a bit of memory. I think I've actually forgotten how much I've forgotten. My pdoc keeps having to remind me of things I've told her. Having said that, though, when she does remind me, I have no trouble remembering (with prompting). And to be honest, considering how much better I'm feeling, it's worth it.
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