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kyliewylie

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About kyliewylie

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  1. I have a wide and varied history of drug use. I have now been clean for over 8 years, however one thing I was always curious about is the long term effects of inhalant abuse. When I was 15 and 16 I used a tremendous amount of inhalants. I used gasoline maybe 2 or 3 times, propane once, rubber cement maybe 6 or 7 times. The big one though was keyboard duster. In total I think I have inhaled the entire contents of maybe 8 or 9 cans of keyboard duster. Always in one sitting. I have not behaved this way for over ten years but shortly after this my schizoaffective disorder started to surface. I am characterized by becoming so engrossed in a delusion that I will scream out loud. I know you are not doctors but I am just curious what you will say because no one, doctor or not seems to have a clue. When I explain it they just shake their heads and go well you're here now. I can give you more info if needed. I have tried to research this and the answers are always inconclusive. Like I was saying though I have been clean for 8 years and am still crazy as ever. Still on antipsychotics every day.
  2. You mean like jumping up and down and screaming at the top of your lungs. Not usually. The nature of it for me is far to intense to come out of at the moment.
  3. I can't stop obsessing. It's not an ocd obsession, this is just flat out schizophrenia. My diagnosis is schizoaffective bipolar. Day and night, I find myself thinking of people in my recent past and imagining what they are thinking about me. It is never true is the kicker, I always make up the words they are saying out of the blue and recreate their voice. I do not hallucinate and never physically hear anything. It is all on a delusional level with me. Simple things in life like facebook, I now have 98 more people that i sit and speak for, about, imagine. Constantly saying sorry. I apologized the other day when someone let me take my lunch at work, they were like, ok lunch is not sorry. Calling my mother has prevented me from going into a psychotic episode many times. This is not true honey. For some reason I was given a hit of lsd in my dna. God knows why. I don't know I guess it just felt better to say it. thanks.
  4. Yeah, I just read your entire response without break. Lots of great insight and I really appreciate you breaking it down for me. I am highly suspect that I do not have add/adhd after all. Let me give you some background also. I had a therapy appointment. My therapist wanted to know why I wouldn't attend college for the third time as I have failed at full time schooling at two separate universities already. Then I started dodging the bullet and he landed on add/adhd I think as a scare tactic. Now that I remember it accurately. This therapy is mandatory as it is tied to my meds at a local mental health center in the states. I am schizoaffective bipolar as i had a full blown onset that took about six months right at the crux of adulthood. I just caught myself tripping off today thinking that someone had said something and i was just standing at the kitchen sink washing dishes making it up word for word. Happens every day. This clinician I do not trust. He sent me off on this trip with persuasion and by twisting the definitions in the dsm. The reason i have difficulty reading is because I get so far in and if the text is less stimulating than what my schizophrenic brain wants to conjur at the moment i involuntarily break from it. I am highly prone to psychosis and I don't think any add med would be a grand idea.
  5. Hello, I am having a unique experience at the clinic I must say. I wanted you folks to weigh in on it. I was diagnosed as schizoaffective bipolar 12 years ago at the age of 17. I have posted threads on here about this. At the time I had the same symptoms I have always had, and still do. They are Severe mania, delusions,false memories, insomnia, disorganized speech, disorganized thought and psychosis. I have always accepted my diagnosis and it has been long standing with many clinicians. Now I am working with a clinician who is trying to switch the diagnosis to a comorbid bipolar with psychotic features and adhd. This was brought on by two things, my total lack of any hallucinations, which I realize is non consequential and my disdain for reading and tv. Mainly, it has become about reading. If expressing myself I can type for a minute but I barely ever read for more than 5 to ten seconds before losing all interest. I can not seem to get my entire brain to follow text. I can derive meaning out of text and read but I have to constantly refocus and the visual part of my brain is always preoccupied and drifting off into a totally separate train of thought. Also, by nature I am extremely impulsive and hyperactive. Is this like six of one a half dozen of the other? My questions to you are not for an informal dx, however, how severe can adhd be? Can adhd paired with a mood disorder cause a very severe level of disorganized behavior and psychosis? I am curious myself because I am not regressing like my diagnosis typically follows suit. I am losing the ability to focus steadily as I age and gaining insight. I feel like this clinician might be on to something honestly, the schizoaffective part of my dx is going away and as I age I am becoming more impulsive. This may be apples to oranges, I don't know. I could have both or any combination of the three I guess. I feel like if I don't try to gain more understanding the clinic will reclassify me albeit correctly or incorrectly. Sometimes I just think this clinician is spinning a web.
  6. I came from a highly dysfunctional family, Not really abusive but dysfunctional in a method of insecurity. I was first sent to a psychiatrist at 14 for therapy, Long story short, I have been a fixture in the mental health system ever since, I am now 28. My drug use patterns started with inhalants at 14, but the major notable things were 18 and 20. I used methamphetamines for a year, powder cocaine for a year and crack cocaine for a year and a half while in treatment. I have used drugs or alcohol in general steady from 14 on. The heighth of my use ended at 21 and i am now 28 so i am actually doing very well. I am very stable. Although i have been off meth 9 years since i was 19 and off cocaine 7 years since i was 21, I am still very discontented with sobriety, At every episode, and every juncture I had a parent/counselor/authority figure forbidding my behavior. The only thing that has ever kept me happy is the idea that it is just a mindless system. I used to watch the movie The Wall and knew that the answer was resistance. I settled down out of personal desire but as i realize that the system still thinks it can clamp down at any time it insights a desire in me to dissapear into the night. They want you to fall into place like a puzzle piece, i believe my resistance is necesarry to preserve my rights, otherwise i suspect they would just take over. My entire psychology developed out of this resistance and now i am afraid i won't be able to stop it.
  7. I take Abilify (Aripiprazole) which is a third generation antipsychotic and I used to take zyprexa. In my personal experience i have definitely had better luck with abilify. Look out for the akathasia though and maybe increased mania but typically i think you will carry a lower weight as i certainly have. www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pubmed/15600384
  8. Listen to DanTheMan and have hope, it can take up to six months to come off a med. I detoxed from haldol when i was 21 and didn't have symptoms return for at least 4 months.
  9. I am sympathetic to both arguments but i have to tell you from personal experience, I am off meth nine years, cocaine 7 years and tobacco 5 years and i had access to marijuana through the major points in craving. The difficult part is separating the feeling of euphoria from the marijuana and the other drugs. It worked for me but if you must be completely sober do not fault yourself. Everyone is an individual. Just do whatever gets the job done. For me it was just a point where i said, "I have had enough of putting this particular substance in my body!".
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