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Everything posted by idontknowanymore

  1. Thank you everybody. I talked with my manager about my medication and this side effect and he has provided for me extra small breaks if needed. So far I only took one for five minutes but it is good that the option is there.
  2. I am on Geodon and have been since I was 15 (I'm 23). Due to my new position at work, I will be doing a nine hour shift outside, doing a lot of hard physical work, in 85-90F heat. Should I be worried? I get two 15 minute breaks and an hour long break in the middle of the shift. I can bring water (no other drinks) and we are provided sunscreen. Will I be okay? I am just a bit worried, unless that side effect is really rare.. It reduces heat sensitivity and sweating, making you far more likely to suffer heat stroke.
  3. I am supposed to be graduating college in a month in a few days but I may not be able to because I am failing two classes. I have been in college for over five years because I have failed so much and have been suspended from the college for that reason for a full semester. I did good last semester but am doing terribly now. I have also lost all of my friends. Every one. I was kicked out of my group of friends after I got angry and sent death threats to one of them. He let it go the first time because he though I was just angry, but I kept threatening him and he said he doesn't feel safe around me and he told the whole group to cut me off and block all forms of contact from me for their own safety. There is nothing I can do now. I would never hurt him but when I get upset I say terrible things I regret. I also lost a bunch of money. From late January-February, I started hanging out with a new guy at work. I jumped into things with him way too quick, and I ended up giving him my entire savings because he kept asking me for money and I gave it to him. Now I have no money left and he quit and no longer wants to talk to me. I thought somebody wanted to be my friend but he just used me for all the money he could get then left. So here I am, friendless, failing college, and broke. I don't even think I remember what it is like to be happy anymore.
  4. I only had one friend and today I flipped out and said some terrible things to him. He blocked me from Facebook, Xbox, my phone number, every possible way to block me he did. I can't stop crying. I ruined it. The only friend I had and I fucking ruined it. I deserve to be alone and have no friends. Everybody at work hates me and avoids me and thinks I am annoying. I have no friends in my town, I was bullied to the point of near suicide by everyone and to this day those people still hate me. I can't take it. This isn't fair. I am rejected by every single person I have ever tried to talk to in my entire life. And he was the only one who accepted me. But I got mad at him and said I was going to kill him by throwing him on train tracks, I SCARED him and he blocked me. I know if I died nobody would care and they would probably actually celebrate. Nobody wants to have me around. I am just a waste of space. I contribute nothing useful to society. I am just breathing in air and eating food that could go to somebody who actually has a purpose in life. Meaning anybody but me. Nobody ever wants to sit with me and everyone makes excuses to avoid me at all costs. I am ugly. I'm stupid. I suck at my job and got demoted. Everyone has a bad attitude with me but they are friends with everyone else because I am just an annoying unlikable pathetic excuse for a person.
  5. I feel like this would fit better in Depression than Schizophrenia/Schizoaffective, even though the latter is my diagnosis. I have nothing. I am nothing. I do not have a single thing going for me. While almost everyone hired at the same time as me/after me has been promoted by now (we were all hired as cashiers, they were promoted to Customer Service, Electronics, etc.) I was demoted a few months ago to being a cart pusher. It just reaffirmed that I am seen as being terrible at doing even the simplest jobs. At least I get told I am one of the most efficient cart pushers, but most of the others are mentally handicapped. Still embarrassing. I've been working there for 1 1/2 years and my hopes of being promoted were shattered, and the opposite came upon me. I am going into my FIFTH year of college because I failed so many classes I was nearly expelled. I only have a 2.4 GPA. I am taking 6 classes net semester, which I know I wont be able to handle, but unless I get a lot of credits five years will become 6. My social life is what is bothering me most, though. My only friend told me he no longer considers me a friend. He said something (completely terrible) that I did to him in 2013, he can never forgive me for. He said that he will always judge me for it, and that is understandable. I was supposed to get my contact lenses on Tuesday, which is his birthday, but I asked for the date to be moved ahead because I expected to be invited to his party and I bought him a present already. I still asked him about his birthday and he told me I wasn't invited. He also told me I'm boring, all I talk about is my job, and that I am a very dull person to be around and all I do is complain. I also am thousands and thousands of dollars in debt. And it is all my fault. I have tried therapy but I have found it to be a waste of time. I have tried three group therapies. I have tried counseling at my college, and my counselor was asking me questions that made me uncomfortable so I left. I tried another therapist who claimed that I was probably Obsessive-Compulsive (can a therapist even make that judgement?) I just felt worse with every one I tried. I feel lost. I don't know what to do anymore. Does anybody have advice for me.
  6. I had a paranoid episode at work today which, if somebody saw me... probably could have cost me my job. i had bought a bluetooth earpiece today, threw out the pacKage. then i used it to find out the mic didn't work. i got very, very upset- you NEED the package to do. return. plus I had no ID on me shortly after, I butt dialed my friend, but i thought he called me. i couldn't talk that moment and called him like 15min later. he didn't answer so I cAlled h back repeatedly probably close to 50 times. I walked into a room (which was empty) slammed the door and started tAlking to myself and cursing and saying violent things. I was later allowed to do the return, they gVe me exception because i work here. So that was better So My friend texts me "i was sleeping" and i called him saying that he called me first... he said he didn't to which i chcked to find out i butt dialed him. he told me i'm crazy and pretty much hung up I guess getting my money back was good, but now i scared my friend
  7. Still very depressed over this even though I cleaned up. I could have proven that I can stay home alone this would have been my chance but I messed it up all I do is ruin everything.
  8. I think it started for me around age 14. My first dxs was depression and DID. I was hospitalized a few weeks after being diagnosed. I know when I was 15 I had an extremely bad psychotic episode in which the police got involved. Everything just went downhill for me from there. I was diagnosed with psychotic depression, and Bipolar NOS. This was back in 2007/2008 I was eventually diagnosed Schizoaffective when I was 16, and that stuck, until I was re-diagnosed Bipolar 2 and potentially Borderline at 20... and then back to Schizoaffective at 21.
  9. We have had that bowl I broke for years. My mom collects blue and white antiques and that was one and I threw a chair and smashed it. I put another bowl there but I think she'll notice pretty quick. I decided not to call them. Actually I started calling my dad but hung up after 1 ring because I was nervous that they would have left the party because of me (my dad had to leave his work party once because I had a violent episode and I felt very guilty) so I will just let this be for now. I take Klonopin which can calm me down a bit but once I am triggered like this I completely lose control of myself. It's a curse. It is one of these episodes that got me suspended and nearly expelled from college. I should be graduating now, I got suspended at the very end of my junior year semester due to a violent outburst. They gave me a psychiatric evaluation to see if I was stable enough to go back and they deemed me so. I was honestly shocked. But while I'm happy they took me back, I'm a whole year behind.
  10. I did clean it up. Thank you. I broke my mom's antique bowl, which we've had for years, which she kept things in, I just found another bowl and moved the stuff into that. The chairs seem OK, but other stuff not so much. I wish I had a friend to call or somebody to talk to when this all happens but I have no friends and no real family besides my parents. So this is the only place I can really go.
  11. I'm 22 but due to my psychiatrist's advice and my breakdowns/episodes, I'm usually not left home alone for more than 3-4 hours. Well, I am going to be alone until around 1 am (6 hours) and I ruined it. I was triggered by something really minor, but I took three wooden chairs and smashed them, shattered my mom's antiques, broke a picture frame, there's food all over the floor. I went psychotic. I was screaming at the top of my lungs and probably alerted the neighbors. I can barely talk because I was screaming so much. Nobody was even here, I was screaming and cursing to myself. This could have been a chance to prove that I can be alone and I ruined it. I went beyond ruining it. I don't know how I can make this up. There is glass and porcelain everywhere. My parents are at a wedding and I would feel terrible calling them telling them what happened. Should I? Or should I wait until they get home. I feel so depressed now. :'(
  12. Yet another example of this. I was working behind a counter at my job. A coworker of mine said she left her pen behind the counter. I spaced out and tried to hand her my customer's receipt,.. she laughed awkwardly. But it got worse. I told her that she could borrow my pen. She then said no, I left mine behind the counter and I can't go there because I'm off the clock. I told her YES YOU CAN and she walked away obviously frustrated. The pen was RIGHT NEXT TO ME. I feel like I have some sort of deficiency in my head that this happens. I started crying when I went outside because it was awkward and I felt bad. Should I apologize? I can talk to people online but it person I have trouble with simple things like this.
  13. I failed my midterm at school that was 25% of my final grade. I thought I got at least a C. So not feeling too great.
  14. This issue is getting worse for me. In film class we had to watch a movie and I didn't understand it and I couldn't even remember a character's name. I had to write a page on my feelings on the movie afterwards and I wrote gibberish because I didn't understand it. I had to switch papers and respond to a classmate, who had wrote a very intricate response. She probably thought I was so dumb.
  15. Feeling both depressed and extremely paranoid. Also have been having problems with my hygiene lately. I took a bath today but haven't for a few days and keep forgetting to even brush my teeth. Have been wearing the same clothes for days.
  16. I didn't change my cards but nothing has happened. However, all of his friends (some who I talked to) feel like I TOOK ADVANTAGE OF HIM. Due to something i did amd regretted back in 2013 (I attempted suicide 4 times to keep him from breaking up with me... I was wrong but just so lonely) I found out one friend who I have strongly disliked for a long time says it is GOOD that he took my money as I owe my life to him. everyone says he is the victim. What I did was awful, but that was 2 years ago. I have not really spoken to him, but I did talk to one friend who said regarding this "He could have killed somebody and he wouldn't be as bad as you." Everyone sided with him. I am glad the people here understand
  17. You are definitely not stupid. A lot of MI's (especially Schizophrenia, other Psychotic, and Mood Disorders) get a underlying/ issue of cognitive dysfunction(CD)-which honestly sounds like what you are describing here to me (not diagnosing, relating to my own experience and sharing what I found out from my Pdoc). Non-MI people really don't understand the full extent of this dysfunction, because it is downplayed by the "scary" words of our actual diagnosis and treatment of psychotic and mood symptoms. For some people that dysfunction comes and goes with their mood or psychotic episodes and then diminishes over a period of time (like me, it gets severe during my depression and when my depression subsides, CD lags behind for a long while but then lessens and then diminishes), but for other people it can be much more chronic and debilitating. I at first thought maybe executive function(EF) might play a role, as I related myself to your first post with. EF is related to my ADHD/LDs (and has been present since I can remember) and although difficult, they are consistent and adaptable (adaptable meaning, its how I am and I adapt my disabilities to my surroundings - while that's practically impossible to do for cognitive dysfunction). Take a look at this description of cognitive dysfunction in Schizophrenia and Affective Disorders, res. Dealing with Cognitive Dysfunction Related to Psychiatric Disorders (Alice Medalia, Ph.D. Nadine Revheim, Ph.D.). Anything sound familiar? It might not be what you are experiencing, or maybe you already found your answer way before I got here and I am not explaining anything new (which I am probably not). But when I read your posts, this is how I relate my experiences and direct my thoughts to your posts. Cognitive dysfunction has no cure, but can be improved by certain psychotherapies, using available resources and techniques to make your surroundings easier to cope with, and keeping a close attention to medications as they can help and hinder cognitive function. So don't think for a second that you are alone, or that this is any of your fault, or that you are less than anyone else. Because you are not! Sorry for the late response. This all makes sense. It is extremely frustrating. Lets see...I did great on my SATs (1810, with a 640 in math!). I taught myself HTML and CCS, and while schooling (as in, years later in college) helped, I was making my first web pages when I was 11, coding and all. I even distributed website layouts I made from scratch at that age. In one of my college classes, graphic design, I actually told the professor tips to make our work easier, because I had taught myself Photoshop and seemed more experienced with the program than the professor himself. I probably did some other things that would make me come off as super smart! Yet, even reading a children's book can be difficult for me. I have stopped watching TV except for one show because I absolutely cannot make sense of anything I watch. When I hear people talk, especially in shows, I hear the words but I can't connect them. It is all just nonsense to me. I have a film class AND a CHILDREN'S literature class, both of which are a nightmare for me. I don't understand any of the movies, and I couldn't even read Huckleberry Finn for class because the book was confusing and frustrating. I was NEVER ABLE TO LEARN HOW TO RIDE A BIKE. As a young child, my parents tried and tried, but I couldn't do it. Somebody tried to teach me when I was 17, couldn't do it. Somebody else even tried when I was 20, multiple times, and I just fell over every time. I know I can never do it, but I dream of one day being able to, despite the fact that I have a driver's license, riding a bike would be amazing I think it can be a cognitive dysfunction. It makes no sense. Maybe I will mention this to my Pdoc...
  18. I have absolutely no friends, I have stated this previously. I know people aren't just indifferent towards me, they find more boring or crazy or they hate me. No exceptions. Except, this girl who wants to hang out with me. I would take anybody as a friend, I just beg for some sort of meaningful relationship with another human being. While she is engaged now, she, in the past, did things that I MORALLY OBJECTED to. It wasn't the fact that she was an alcoholic, or the fact that she ENCOURAGED ME to "Dress like a whore" to get guys attention when I had a boyfriend at the time. She, while she had a boyfriend, was friends with benefits with her co-worker (boyfriend didn't know), AND was also sleeping with her cousin's husband (Boyfriend also didn't know!). She came up to me, showing me hickys that her cousin's husband gave her, and she would laugh about it saying "And she doesn't even know what we are doing!! Hahaha!" I KNEW HER COUSIN! She is an extremely nice person, and I was in this awkward position knowing that her husband was sleeping with her cousin. She eventually found out, I don't know what happened but they are still married. It just left a permanently bad impression on me. It was the husband's fault too, what he was doing was awful. But she BRAGGED about it, giggled like a schoolgirl to me about her dirty little secret. She texted me a few days ago, the first time ANYONE has texted me in ages, asking to hang out. I am still on the fence about this. I am so incredibly lonely that I would hang out with anybody. And I feel it makes me a hypocrite to complain about having no friends while this girl is offering me friendship. Should I go with her? I really, really don't want to. But I really really want to hang out with somebody. I feel like I am being too picky and should take what I should get... this all confuses me...
  19. Felt sick and skipped my first class. Got praised in front of the class in my second for having one of the best pages in the assignment, which made me happy. Had a decent day at work. Then, of course, something went terribly wrong and I found out even more people hate me than I originally thought. Sometimes I don't even want to live anymore. I can't afford therapy, everyone I thought liked me hates me and I found that out today despite my suspicions I always hoped they did like me. I guess not.
  20. I just smashed a can of hairspray open and shattered a water pitcher, broke my fan, punched walls, I lost all control and I regret all of this and I can't stop crying...
  21. I got upset today and screamed at my parents until i nearly lost my voice, and I smashed and broke my $250 headset in the process.
  22. This issue of mine makes me so sad. I have worked at my job for 1 1/2 years without a promotion, and I am in one of the lowest tier positions. I see people who came the same time/after me moving up one after another and then there's me. At this job, we initially recieve about 3 days training. I needed 2 weeks of training because I was having so much trouble. I get good hours here, but I have no friends and nobody talks to me so I don't enjoy working here anymore...
  23. I'm super stressed out with school. Next week is midterms. One midterm we apparently have to do at least 3 pages of writing in-class based on the book and other readings. I barely did any of the reading. Another midterm is going to be based on character studies from books we read, but I didn't finish any of those either. The reading is too hard for me and I don't understand most of it. I feel like I am too dumb for college. I have two other classes that don't have midterms as well. I also have to write a small book for my literature class for Wednesday which I have barely started. I work 26 hours over the weekend (4 hours after class Friday, 9 hours Saturday-Sunday, 4 hours Monday) so I don't even know when I can do all of this.
  24. Thank you both... I thought TD was permanent. My doctor said I "Need it" but I will see her again April 8th and I'll see if I can reduce the Geodon. Still worried...
  25. FUCK GEODON. I wish I could sue. I have uncontrollable, constant lip sucking/puckering/twitching which makes me look like a freak. I never thought in a million years that was what it was, because I thought it was only leg/arm twitching. I told her I want to get off Geodon RIGHT NOW but she says I "Need it". I would take the 30lbs I gained on prozac over this. I'm going to have these tics for the rest of my life. I feel so depressed. I am just at a loss for words. Has anyone else been diagnosed with TD? I feel so alone... I am seriously in denial. I may just stop geodon cold turkey. I hope I can do something, but I think it's too late.
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